some good old fashioned ones
August, 23rd 2007 05:02 AM

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water

 

 

***

 

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
 
"Aye, this is a nice bar," the Scotsman says, "but where I come from,
back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink,
ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
 
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
 
Then the Italian says, "Si, dat's a nice-a bar, but where I-a come
 from,
dere's a better one.
In-a Roma, dere's-a dis place, Vincenzo's. You buy a drinka, Vincenzo
buys you a drinka. You buy anudda drinka, Vincenzo buys you anudda
drinka."
 
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
 
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in
Dublin, dere's dis place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they boi you yer
first drink, dey boi you yer second drink, den dey boi you yer tird
drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you out de back and get you
laid!"
 
"Wow!" the other two exclaim. "That's fantastic! Did that actually
happen to you?"
 
"No", the Irishman says, "but it happened to me sister".

 

 

***

 

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to
bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your t!ts"
he says.
"You dirty b@stard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my
husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull
your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ar$e and lick
it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One
more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your
pu$sy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t!ts and
lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ar$e cheeks  and
lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches
the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries  hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of
Guinness..." 

 

 

 

 

Other news