One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

2007 Australian Citizenship test
 
1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
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2. What is a bloody little beauty??
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3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
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4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
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5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
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6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
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7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
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8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
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9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
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10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
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11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
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12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
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13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
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14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
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15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
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16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
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17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
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18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
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19. Who would you like to crack on to?
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20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
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21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
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22. What does "sinkin' piss at a mate's joint and getten para" mean?