An elderly couple in a small town had 

been dating for a long time. At the 

urging of their friends, they decided 

it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to 

dinner and had a long conversation on 

how their marriage might work. They 

discussed finances, living arrangements

and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was

time to broach the subject of their 

physical relationship. "How do you feel 

about sex?" he asked. "Well, "she said, 

responding very carefully, "I'd have to say

 - I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a 

moment, then over his glasses, he 

looked her in the eye and asked "Is 

that one word or two?"

 
 
  Something for the weekend...
 
FYI - Tesco is a large supermarket in 
the UK! 
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says 
to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I 
suppose I'd better see a Doctor!". 
"Listen, don't waste your time down at
the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a 
new diagnostic computer at Tesco 
Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's
wrong, and what to do about it. It 
takes ten seconds and only costs 
five quid.....a lot quicker and better 
than a doctor and you get Club card
points." 


So Jack collects a urine sample in a 
small jar and takes it to Tesco. He 
deposits five pounds and the computer
lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and 
waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: "You have tennis 
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will 
improve in two weeks." 


That evening while thinking how 
amazing this new technology was, 
Jack began wondering if the computer 
could be fooled. He mixed some tap 
water, a stool sample from his dog, 
urine samples from his wife and 
daughter and the cat, and masturbated 
into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to 
check what would happen. He deposits
five pounds, pours in his concoction, 
and awaits the results. 


The computer printed the following: 
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a
 water softener. 

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
 
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him 
with anti-fungal shampoo. 

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. 
Get her into rehab. 

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They
 aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 

6) And if you don't stop playing with 
yourself, your elbow will never get better. 

Thank you for shopping at Tesco