Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

 This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford: (The very last one made me laugh most ...).

 Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

 Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again." And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely, Charles Brown Store Manager

A young lady

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young
lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she
had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on
his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My
butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming? That was me..."

Never again

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her

two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the

entrance. On the way out, the door greeter says, "Good morning,

nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they

bloody aren't you f***ing idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger

one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do

you really think they look alike, you f***ing d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone

would sh@g you twice!"