A Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Queensland.

   He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

   As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked  him what he was doing.

  The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

  The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

  The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in OZ and, if you don't

   let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

   The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes

   in  Queensland.

   We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

   The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

  The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.

   I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth

    until someone gives up."

  The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could

    easily take the old codger.

    So he agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.

   His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

   His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

   The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him

    face-first into a fresh cow pat.

   The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.  

   Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

    "O'kay, you old codger, now it's my turn."

             (I love this part.)

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up, you can have the duck."

*****************************************************

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the  husband

said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me  happy

and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments,  then said, "Your dick's bigger

than your brother's".

*********************************

 
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE
THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up
the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
 
**************************************