The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment
with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised
when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other
eye."

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes
his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has
bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet
you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss
into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.."

Jack & Jill A modern story:

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you ? 

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would have sex with you twice!'