Hoax warnings annoy me, but this one is important.

Please immediately send this to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a 

survey and asks you to show them your bum, DO NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam; they just want to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this warning yesterday. Now I feel so stupid and cheap.

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL -- PRICELESS!!

ACCORDING TO A NEWS REPORT, A 

CERTAIN SCHOOL IN TULSA WAS 

RECENTLY FACED WITH A UNIQUE 

PROBLEM.

A NUMBER OF 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS 

WERE BEGINNING TO USE LIPSTICK 

AND WOULD PUT IT ON IN THE 

WASHROOM. THAT WAS FINE, BUT 

AFTER THEY PUT ON THEIR 

LIPSTICK THEY WOULD PRESS THEIR 

LIPS TO THE MIRROR LEAVING 

DOZENS OF LITTLE LIP PRINTS.

EVERY NIGHT, THE MAINTENANCE MAN 

WOULD REMOVE THEM AND THE NEXT 

DAY THE GIRLS WOULD PUT THEM BACK.

FINALLY THE PRINCIPAL DECIDED THAT 

SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. HE CALLED 

ALL THE GIRLS TO THE WASHROOM AND 

MET THEM THERE WITH THE MAINTENANCE MAN. 

HE EXPLAINED THAT ALL THESE LIP 

PRINTS WERE CAUSING A MAJOR PROBLEM

FOR THE CUSTODIAN WHO HAD TO CLEAN

THE MIRRORS EVERY NIGHT.

TO DEMONSTRATE HOW DIFFICULT 

IT HAD BEEN TO CLEAN THE MIRRORS, 

HE ASKED THE MAINTENANCE MAN TO 

SHOW THE GIRLS HOW MUCH EFFORT 

REQUIRED. HE TOOK OUT A LONG-HANDLED

 SQUEEGEE, DIPPED IT IN THE TOILET, 

AND CLEANED THE MIRROR WITH IT.

SINCE THEN THERE HAVE BEEN NO 

LIP PRINTS ON THE MIRROR.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.

THERE ARE TEACHERS, AND THEN 

THERE ARE EDUCATORS.

**********************

   
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the 
procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

 MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.



**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car
window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and
hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to
its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10 . Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written 
on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt
in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card
into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.
 

						

						

						
						

						
says it all
						
						
*********************
 
 
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she

bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a 
salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?" 

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been

there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the

price of this lovely bracelet?" 

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price."