hangovers and world cup advice...
September, 06th 2007 09:18 AM

1 star hangover

 

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

 

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

 

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

 

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

 

 2 star hangover

 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

 

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

 

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

 

3 star hangover

 

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap.  You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

 

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

 

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

 

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

 

 

 

 

 

4 star hangover

 

You have lost the will to live.  Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

 

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

 

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,  or,   it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

 

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters.  Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

 

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

 

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

 

5 star hangover

 

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

 

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

 

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

 

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

 

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

 

Death seems pretty good right now.  Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.  You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

 

 

star hangover

 

You arrive home and climb into bed.

 

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

 

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

 

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

 

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

 

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

 

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

 

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

 

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.  Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

 

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.  Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

 

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

 

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

 

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.  She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

 

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

 

Work is simply not an option.

 

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

 

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

 

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

 

Thought so!!

 

Dear women

1. From 7 September to 20 October 2007, you should read the sports
section f the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.
If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the decoder and DVD are
all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse
of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If
you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the
doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the
games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and
3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so
called 'words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying 'one' game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to 'spend time together'.

8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something
we can all watch??', the reply will be: 'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'.

12. Please save your expressions such as 'Thank goodness the World Cup
is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, etc etc.

13. And finally, if you are female and your "man" likes rugby less than
you, he is not a real man and shall be bound by these rules and additionally be referred to as "the bitch" for the duration of the World Cup

Thank you for your cooperation.


 

 

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