Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to 

understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address 

and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from 

them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I

was born and on what date

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round

 every

Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or 

video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years 

ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two

 of

which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what

 channel

I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I

win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where

 I

am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in

good time.

Do you people do this by hand? 

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including

 the

one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd 

years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the 

last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration

forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and 

boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms

that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I 

have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for

re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in 

Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her 

maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be 

absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I 

die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But 

between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the

 application

to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you

have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture.

 Do

I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for 

God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, 

sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all

 this

crap

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and

get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last 

one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be 

so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in

the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be

 too

damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over

the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser

to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... 

the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we

are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over

 ten

years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security 

clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats 

away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first 

Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red 

Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 

"important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN 

PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.