BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over

his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial

sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to

wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,

Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese (British comedian)
To:  The citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of  
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the  
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over  
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does  
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America  
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you  
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules  
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be  
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and  
'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping  
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable  
levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as  
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of  
communication.

There is no such thing as US English.  We will let Microsoft know on your  
behalf.  The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of  
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.  You will relearn  
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or  
therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows  
that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults.  If you're not adult enough to sort  
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not  
grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more  
dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  A permit will be required if you wish to  
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and this is for your  
own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.  
Holden Monaro's are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start  
driving on the left with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go  
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense  
of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been  
calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon.  Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries  
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are  
properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and  
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer  
at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,  
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as  
Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the  
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They
are also part of British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all  
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good  
guys.   Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play  
English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a  
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese  
grater.

13. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of  
proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in  
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American  
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  Don't try
Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly  
thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host  
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of  
America .   Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond  
your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's  
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies  
due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,  
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.  Only He can.

John Cleese

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and , we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Susie Fox

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber

I hope this helps.

Ted

In our day

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while

they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese,

tuna from a can, and didn't get tested

for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby

cribs were covered with bright

coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine

bottles, doors or cabinets and when we

rode our bikes, we had no helmets or

shoes, not to mention the risks some of us took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars

with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup

truck on a warm day was

always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden

hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take-away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops,

 McDonalds,

KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.

Even though all the shops closed at

6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to

death!

We shared one soft drink with four

friends, from one bottle and NO

ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store

and buy Fruit Tingles and some fire crackers to blow up frogs and

lizards with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and

real butter and drank soft drinks

with sugar in it, but we weren't

overweight because.......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning

and play all day, as long as we were

back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our

go-carts out of scraps and then ride

down the hill, only to find out we

forgot the brakes. We built tree

houses and cubby houses and played

in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video-games at

all, no

99 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound,

 no

mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat

rooms..........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went

outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no

Lawsuits from these accidents ..

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in

us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter

time.......no really!

We were given BB guns and sling

shots for our 10th birthdays,

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass

covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in

 1956.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or

rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had

to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and

bullys always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent

stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade"....

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem

solvers 

and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW

TO 

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow

up as 

kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our

own 

good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how

brave 

their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't

it?!