Crazy Fool's Newsround - a little tickle

a little tickle
March, 30th 2006 09:39 AM

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in
his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he

wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last

night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he
sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does
it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today

after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My
word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming
from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the middle ages on Time Team Live
said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night? "Not only did HE have to leave the
set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so
well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses
them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -"Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford
crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I

once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

she was later found disguised as a tree!

the office

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey".

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how
the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch
this time."

i couldn't stop grinning.

(2) A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear."

Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afriad of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet
shits itself"

(3) Sum things I can't do

DAVID Beckham has never been known as the sharpest tool in the shed and this little anecdote from London's The Mail on Sunday will do little to dispel that. The England soccer captain confessed at the weekend that he is occasionally so befuddled by his son Brooklyn's maths homework that when the six-year-old recently asked for help with a school assignment, he had to turn to his former Spice Girls pop star wife Victoria to help out. "Their homework is so hard these days. I sat down with Brooklyn the other day, and I was like, 'Victoria, maybe you should do the homework tonight'," said Beckham. "I think it was maths, actually. It's done totally differently to what I was teached when I was at school, and you know, I was like, 'Oh my God, I can't do this'." The Mail on Sunday even gave examples of some national curriculum maths questions set for seven-year-olds, including: "Bec went to the shop at 11.45. She came back half-an-hour later. What time did she come back?" and "What is 12 divided by three?"

Live on your own Ms. McTavishl

(4) Real ads from Scottish lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old

and 23 stone, Gemini,

seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for

tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming

passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride.

Anything considered. Box 06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex

addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps

on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by

longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still

exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and

shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail

purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy

walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting

brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more

as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy

journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage.

Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office

social functions. >References required. No time wasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*st*rd living in a

damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde

lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded

lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and

slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a

pale moon. Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss

Wrangler competition

Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,

seeks nostalgic man

who's

not afraid to cry, for long nights spent

comfort-drinking and

listening to

old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, square heid, big

moustache and curly hair,

seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm

and 11.30pm

(5)The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree

smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past

and looks up and says

"Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get
a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,
finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up
and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"