a lawyers tale or two and yet again dear women...
September, 13th 2007 04:03 AM
An attorney arrived home late, 
after a very tough day trying to 
get a stay of execution for a 
client who was due to be hanged
for murder at midnight. His last 
minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was 
feeling worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the
door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to
 be getting home is this? Where 
have you been?'
 
'Dinner is cold and I'm not 
reheating it'. And on and on and on.
 
Too shattered to play his usual
role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a shot 
of whiskey and headed off for a 
long  hot soak in the bathtub, 
pursued by the predictable 
sarcastic     remarks as he 
dragged himself up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the 
phone rang. The wife answered and
was told that her husband's 
client, James Wright, had been 
granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright 
would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible 
day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs and give 
him the good news.
 
As she opened the bathroom 
door, she was greeted by the 
sight of her husband, bent over 
naked, drying his legs and feet.
 
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' 
she said. To which he whirled 
around and screamed,
 
       'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, 
WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
 
   
Dear Mr. Green,
 
I am writing to you to express our 
thanks for your more than prompt
 reply to our latest communication, 
and also to answer some of the points
 you raise. I will address them, 
as ever, in order.
 
Firstly, I must take issue with 
your description of our last
 communication as a "begging 
letter". It might perhaps more 
properly be referred
 to as a "tax demand".
 
This is how we at the Inland 
Revenue have always, for reasons
 of
 accuracy, traditionally referred 
to such documents.
 
Secondly, your frustration at our 
adding to the "endless stream of
 crapulent whining and panhandling 
vomited daily through the letterbox on to
 the doormat" has been noted. 
However, whilst I have naturally
 not seen the other letters to which 
you refer I would cautiously suggest that
 their being from "pauper councils, 
Lombardy pirate banking houses and
 puissant gas-mongerers" might 
indicate that your decision to "file them
 next to the toilet in case of 
emergencies" is at best a little
 ill-advised. In common with my 
own organisation, it is unlikely 
that the senders
 of these letters do see you as a
 "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a
 "sodding charity".
 
More likely they see you as a 
citizen of Great Britain, with a
 responsibility to contribute to 
the upkeep of the nation as a 
whole. Which
 brings me to my next point, 
whilst there may be some spirit 
of truth in
 your assertion that the taxes you 
pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted,
 toppling folly that is the Public 
Services", a moment's rudimentary
 calculation ought to disabuse 
you of the notion that the 
government in
 any way expects you to "stump 
up for the whole damned party" 
yourself.
 The estimates you provide for 
the Chancellor's disbursement 
of the funds
 levied by taxation, whilst 
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off
 the mark.
Less than you seem to imagine 
is spent on "junkets for Bunterish
 lickspittles" and "dancing whores" 
whilst far more than you have 
accounted for is allocated to, for e
xample, "that box-ticking fa硤e of a
 university system."
 
A couple of technical points arising
 from direct queries:
 
1. The reason we don't simply write
 "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
 with the vagaries of the postal system;
 
2. You can rest assured that "sucking
 the very marrows of those with
 nothing else to give" has never 
been considered as a practice because
 even if the Personal allowance 
didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
 medical logistics involved would 
make it financially unviable.
 
I trust this has helped. In the 
meantime, whilst I would not 
in any way
 wish to influence your decision 
one way or the other, I ought to point
 out that even if you did choose 
to "give the whole foul jamboree up
 and go and live in India" you 
would still owe us the money. 
Please send
 it to us by Friday.
 
 
Yours sincerely,
 
 
 
H J Lee
Customer Relations
 
  
Dear women

1. From 7 September to 20 
October 2007, you should 
read the sports
section f the newspaper so 
that you are aware of what 
is going on regarding the
World Cup, and that way 
you will be able to join in 
the conversations.
If you fail to do this, then 
you will be looked at in a 
bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO 
NOT complain about not 
receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, 
the television is mine, the 
decoder and DVD are
all mine, at all times, 
without any exceptions. 
If you even take a glimpse
of the remote control, you 
will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in 
front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it 
crawling on the floor and 
without distracting me. If
you decide to stand nude in 
front of the TV, make sure 
you put clothes on
right after because if you 
catch a cold, I won't have 
time to take you to the
doctor or look after you during the
 World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind
, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to 
eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open 
the door, answer the telephone, 
or pick
up the baby that just fell from the
 second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you
 to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty
 of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny f
aces to my friends when they 
come over to watch the
games. In return, you will be 
allowed to use the TV between 
12pm and
3pm, unless they replay a good 
game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you 
see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it,
 it's only a game', or 'don't worry, 
they'll win next time'. If you say 
these things, you will only make 
me angrier and I will love you less.
 Remember, you will never ever 
know more about rugby than me and your so
called 'words of encouragement' 
will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me
 to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when
 the commercials are on, and only
 if the halftime score is pleasing me.
 In addition, please note I am saying 
'one' game, hence do not use the 
World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse
 to 'spend time together'.

8. The replays of the tries are very 
important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, 
I want to see them again. Many
 times, and record them.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have 
any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires 
my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites
 us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in
 a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights
 show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves.
 Do not even think about saying 'but
 you have already seen this...why 
don't you change the channel to something
we can all watch??', the reply will be: 
'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'.

12. Please save your expressions such
 as 'Thank goodness the World Cup
is only every 4 years'. I am immune
 to these words, because after this 
comes the reruns of the Rugby World
 Cup, etc etc.

13. And finally, if you are female and
 your "man" likes rugby less than
you, he is not a real man and shall 
be bound by these rules and 
additionally be referred to as 
"the bitch" for the duration of
 the World Cup

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

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