A Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Queensland.

   He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

   As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked  him what he was doing.

  The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

  The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

  The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in OZ and, if you don't

   let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

   The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes

   in  Queensland.

   We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

   The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

  The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.

   I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth

    until someone gives up."

  The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could

    easily take the old codger.

    So he agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.

   His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

   His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

   The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him

    face-first into a fresh cow pat.

   The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.  

   Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

    "O'kay, you old codger, now it's my turn."

             (I love this part.)

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up, you can have the duck."

************************************************

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful
woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty
flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.

He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said  "Ahhh,
Ryanair".

*******************************

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in

the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE

THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up

the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.

*********************************

  
On a group of beautiful deserted islands
in the middle of nowhere, the following 
people are suddenly stranded by, as you 
might expect, a shipwreck:


    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

    2 French men and 1 French woman 

    2 German men and 1 German woman

    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

    2 English men and 1 English woman

    2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 

    2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

    2 American men and 1 American woman

    2 Scots men and 1 Scots woman


One month later on these same absolutely
stunning deserted islands in the middle of 
nowhere, the following things have occurred: 


    One Italian man killed the other Italian 
man for the Italian woman.


    The two French men and the French 
woman are living happily together in a 
menage-a-trois.


    The two German men have a strict 
weekly schedule of alternating visits 
with the German woman. 


    The two Greek men are sleeping with 
each other and the Greek woman is 
cleaning and cooking for them.


    The two English men are waiting for 
someone to introduce them to the English
woman.


    The two Bulgarian men took one long 
look at the endless ocean, and another 
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and 
started swimming. 


    The two Japanese men have faxed 
Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


    The two Chinese men have set up a 
pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant 
and a laundry, and have got the woman 
pregnant in order to supply employees 
for their stores. 


    The two American men are contemplating
the virtues of suicide because the American 
woman keeps endlessly complaining about 
her body; the true nature of feminism; how 
she can do everything they can do; the 
necessity of fulfilment; the equal division
of household chores; how sand and palm 
trees make her look fat; how her last 
boyfriend respected her opinion and 
treated her nicer than they do; how 
her relationship with her mother is 
improving and how at least the taxes 
are low and it isn't raining. 


    The two Scots men have divided the 
island into North and South and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if 
sex is in the picture because it gets sort 
of foggy after the first few litres of 
coconut whisky. But they're satisfied 
because at least the English aren't 
having any fun.