A guy decides to have a party where his guests
are asked to come as different emotions e.g .
 fear etc. On the night of the party, the first
guest arrives and the host opens the door to 
see a guy covered in green paint with the 
letters N and V painted on his chest.
 
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what
emotion have you come as?"
 
And the guy says, "I'm green with NV". The 
host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have 
a drink". A few minutes later the next guest
arrives and the host opens the door to see 
a woman covered in a pink body stocking 
with a feather boa wrapped around her most
 intimate parts. He says to this woman 
"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you 
come as?"
 
She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says,
"I love it, come on in and join the party".
 
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes 
for the third time, and the host opens the 
door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
standing stark naked one with his knob in a
bowl of custard, and the other with his knob
stuck in a pear.
 
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, 
what the hell are you both doing? You could 
get arrested standing like that out there in the
street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed 
to be?"
 
Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and 
Mick here has just come in despair".
************************************** 
 
 
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to
launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at 
the windshields of airliners, military jets and
the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum 
velocity.




The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents 
of collisions with airborne fowl to test the 
strength of the windshields.




British engineers heard about the gun and were 
eager to test it on the windshields of their new 
high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent 
to the British engineers. When the gun was 
fired,the engineers stood shocked as the 
chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into 
the shatterproof shield,smashed it to 
smithereens, blasted through the control 
console, snapped the engineer's back-rest 
in two, and embedded itself in the back wall 
of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.



The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment, along with the
designs of the windshield and begged the
US scientists for suggestions.




You're going to love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo --





"Defrost the chicken."
 (True Story)
 
 

						

						

						
						

						
That a chicken?
						
						
 ********************************
 
 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is
a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same 
size as your car And you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also 
travelling at the same speed as you. What must you
do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
 
 
 
 
Answer;
 
 
 
 
 
Get off the Merry-go-round, you're pissed.
*********************************** 
 
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the 
following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
 
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her
 on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with
 a six pack of stella, a pizza and some  Wagon
Wheels.
 
As she turns he smiles at her and says,
 
"Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies
 
"How did you guess?"
 
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and
gently says
 
"Because you're minging"
 
 
*************************************** 
 
Two Scots, Archie and Jock are sitting in the pub
 discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've 
got everything organised already; the flowers, 
the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, 
the minister, even ma stag night..."
Archie nods approvingly. "Havens, I've even 
bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie. "That's braw, you'll look
 pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
 *****************************************
 
40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
 People in Scotland sunbathe.

 35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

 20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and 
wool hats.
 People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.


15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the 
state.
 People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.


0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
 People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets
 cold.


 -10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
 People in Scotland lick flagpoles.


 -20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico. 
 People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.


 -80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the 
Artic.
 Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise
 until it gets cold enough.


 -100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. 
 People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear 
flaps.


-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
 People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their
 whisky kegs.


 -297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. 
 Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.


 -460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
 People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill chilly ... eh? "


 -500 degrees - Hell freezes over. 
 Scottish people support England in the Worrld Cup !!
 
 
BEING BRITISH - although is relevent to any 
globalised land these days, even the Vietnamese - 
but not the French!
 
 Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish 
pub for 
a
Belgian beer and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian
 curry 
or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and 
watch 
American
shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all...
 Suspicion of anything foreign!
Oh and...
 
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than 
an
ambulance.
 
 Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk 
all the 
way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
 healthy 
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
 
 
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, 
large fries, 
and a DIET coke.
 
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain
 the pens to
the counters.
 
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds
 on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
 
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls
 and 
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone 
we didn't want 
to talk to in the first place.
 
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of
 a skating
 rink.

						

						

						
						

						
Parking spaces for leaving!
						
						
 NOT TO MENTION...
 
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
 
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from
 new shirts.
 
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
 screwdrivers.
 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.
 
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
 decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.
 
 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys 
pulled out
of
the soles of their feet.
 
 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with
 a
lit cigarette in their mouth.
 
 A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&Ein the last two years
 after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
 
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of 
Control
Scalextric cars...and finally.........
 
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into 
the
toilet.
 
 
 
Isn't life a great country!!!