A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He  smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl  was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders 
of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly  she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what  are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're  mating," her father replied.

"What  do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's  a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl  asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question  
he replied, "No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

"The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.
 
"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said. 

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

" I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. "

" I am 96 " said the old man . " I don ' t want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "

Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New
York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
woman
boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward
his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use
my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."