.../...pocket sized Taser Gun.../...
June, 25th 2009 05:56 AM

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
It home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the
blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing
to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish
out of water... Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5 inches; long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in
the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
The fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
body
Flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
Zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and
now regularly threatens me with it!

 

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