.../picture the scene.../...some one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe.../...
August, 28th 2008 06:17 AM

Picture the scene: a timid-looking, plainly-dressed middle-aged old man – his short hair well-oiled and sharply-parted, his small wire glasses picked out by a solitary shaft of light – stands in the middle of some dark and echoing room…

 

My Lord, may I speak to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury before they leave to reach the verdict, and before you, my Lord, pass sentence upon that verdict? Thank you. You have heard that for many years I lived a happy and simple bachelor existence. And, like most bachelors, I was rather set in my ways. I was an active member of the local church society. I also belonged to a small music appreciation group, made up of some very close friends. It was during one of these musical evenings that I first met the woman who was later to become my wife. She was actually everything that a man could have wished for: she was attractive, witty and intelligent, but, above all, she shared – or at least she gave the appearance of sharing – my interests. It was only in the following months that I began to see her as she really was. She created such embarrassing scenes that gradually, one by one, my friends began to stay away. I had to suffer her sulks, her fits of frenzied rage, her long accusing silences. Until eventually she just followed me about the house, nagging incessantly. There was no escape from her shrewish voice. And then, on the night referred to by the prosecution, she followed me down to the last sanctuary that I had: the cellar. My mind snapped. I could take no more. I picked up a hammer, and, as she turned to face me, mocking laughter fell from her twisted mouth. There was no fear in her eyes. She dared me to hit her – she actually dared me – and, God forgive me, I did. I struck again, and again, and again.

(A woman’s voice calls out: ‘Henry!’)

Yes, dear?

(‘What are you doing down there in the cellar?)

Just practising, just practising…

 

I LIKE Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.

Tom Stade

MY girlfriend said: “Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?”

“Yes,” I said, “but a gun is easier to conceal.”

Lloyd Langford

MOST of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.

Andrew Lawrence

IT’S amazing that Silvio Berlusconi got re-elected considering he’s had more scandals than a dyslexic shoe shop owner.

Andy Zaltzman

VELCRO. What a rip-off.

Tim Vine

 

 

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