about the author
April, 22nd 2006 02:02 AM 

Crazy Fool was developed on a remote hairy island village on a hidden meander of the River Thames (Englaxed).

By the time he was 6 he could spell sdrawkcab, and had already foreseen the demise of Welsh rugby. With a boisterous haircut and petit but massed legs he grew to help maintain the cheese and pickle industry in the Northern Hemisphere.

By the age of 23 he had traveled the globe and beyond, mostly on bacon. And funded his lavishly hedonistic and freelance lifestyle by offering his services as facial hair for ‘The Amazing Bearded Lady' in the circus of tent.

On returning from the great 9 years Strawberry Picking Crusades with Hagrid The Equally Unshaven he found the great taste of fish and headed south in search of the fabled Psychedelic Santa Fish.

He now resides in Vietnam siphoning dribble from his ears into wee wicker and porcelain pots as it oozes from the moist muscle from within its bone like shell.

Please donate kindly to his cause, and pity him by reviewing his lonely renditions of waffle and blurt.

Am I the author?
Am I the author

Or is it me?
Or is it me?

And now some Q and A...

 

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Richie Benaud's My Spin on Cricket and Pirates by some scurvy dog, can't remember.

2. WHAT TIME IS IT? Where? It's 10.02a.m. here.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE MAT? A squashed mouse.

4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Totopoly

5. YOUR FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Turnips in brine and bacon bi-weekly.

6. BABIES? Jelly - black ones.

7. FAVOURITE SOUND? Sizzle sizzle.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? To be given no choice.

9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Sex.

10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Wait till someone else answers or until I throw a shoe at it...then the other...then the cushion...then the bairn...something's gotta hit it!

11. FUTURE CHILDS NAME? Arnould/Louise and if a girl Louise/Arnould

12. FAVOURITE COLOUR? Beige and primrose cheque.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? Friends, beer, rugby and yes woman God damn it, I'm getting there...and bloody family!..........aha aha and weed dudes.

14. FAVOURITE FOOD? Shepherds pie.

15. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Garden hose

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Yes, when it suits, especially when you hear that wa wa sound...

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Not into that.

18. STORMS - cool or scary? Like them. Cool's a word for Yanks.

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Ford Cortina Mark II estate. Reg: PYT 128L

20. WHO IS THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK WITH? My mate who died in a car crash when he was 17. A great lad, fat and fast and great at rugby. Loved a beer and had a stutter - was a right laugh taking the piss out of him when he was drunk - ‘Ffffffffffffffffffffffuck off'.

21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Beer...and err beer.

22. WHAT'S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? Don't have one, but have got a plastic rain mac under the seat of my scooter.

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? Naturally.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Lottery winner research guinea pig.

25. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? A table.

26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes

27. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Half full. Except when the missuss rings.

28. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Zulu, Monty Python's Life of Brian and The Italian Job (Original)

29.  DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Tnhik os.

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Dust.

31. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 3 or anything divisible by it except for 28 because I liked being 27 when I was...ahem...27! - Is 27 divisble by 3?..Yes! Ok that one then and forget everything about 28.

32. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Pro-am baked bean wrestling.

33. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? He reminds me of Russ Abbott/Frodo and Fraser rolled into one.

34. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? On the grounds of foolhardy's worth...ness.

35. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING: Psycadelic striped, arsed skin tight, bell bottomed trousers I stole from missuss cf.

36. BEACH, MOUNTAINS or CITY? Bitch in the City of Mountains.

37. TECHNOLOGY or ART? Art with a twist of techno.

38. COMEDY or HORROR? My life is a comedy of horrors.

39. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Legs up to the bum then zip around the front and up to their tits. Stop.

40. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? Opening time.

41. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Do people still buy them - been living in Asia too long!

 42. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Saucy Wong's rub n tug parlour.

43. WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU. STRONG IN MIND or STRONG IN BODY? I let them both go years ago.

44. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Not necessarily when I get up.

45. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? The cook.

46. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Peoples feet, people eating and the tap, clink, clack of a smart mans shoes as he walks on a tiled floor.

47. WHAT DO YOU PREFER, A SPORTS CAR or 4wd? Sports car in the mountains. 4wd for the kids run!

48. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? I'm here aren't I?

49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Once spring is springing and autumn is falling. But now it's mostly wet and hot or dry and hot.

50. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To produce any type of bacon at will.

51. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? A tattoo.

52. CAN YOU JUGGLE? My life and reality daily.

53. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Friday followed by Saturday then Sunday.

54. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI or HAMBURGER? If you knew sushi like I know sushi oh oh oh what a hamburger.

55. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU E-MAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? None.

56. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? A Russ Abbott/Frodo/Fraser type person

57. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON? Wacky races

58. FAVOURITE MEAL? Shepherds pie

59. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Sweden today, New Zealand tomorrow, Devon the next...

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Hate.

 

 

 

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