Rat pie of merrie olde England and more, plus some interesting facts on Britain
November, 16th 2006 03:33 AM
Rat Pie of Merrie Olde England
Ingredients:
 
Rats
Shortcrust pastry*
Oysters*
Stout*
Organic hand-reared shallots*
1 free-range ostrich egg*
Thigh-rubbed Iranian black pepper*
(*Optional)
Method: Take rats, oysters, chopped shallots and 
season well with black pepper. Marinate overnight
in stout, then gently wrap in shortcrust pastry 
envelope. Glaze pastry with yolk of ostrich egg and
bake for 90 minutes at gas mark 4. Serves an 
entire reception centre for three weeks.
 
Delia says: Young, tender rats are the best. Older 
examples may require extra time in the marinade. Be 
sure to clean the urinary tract fully to prevent 
contracting Weil's disease. Wash down with a cheeky
Romanian 
Merlot. 
Delicious.
 
Squirrel Scallopine
Ingredients:
 
4 Grey squirrel escalopes*
Seasoned Patagonian rough-crushed wholemeal flour
2oz "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"
8oz Alsace truffelized button morels, trimmed and 
sliced 1 tin supermarket-brand strong lager
(*Not the red variety, for God's sake)
Method: Beat the escalopes flat. Dip in flour and fry 
in a large griddle pan using the "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter!". When escalopes are brown on both sides,
lowerthe heat and add the mushrooms. Cook for 1.3 
seconds, then add the lager. Cover and simmer for 
20 minutes.
Serve on a bed of bee-tickled Bengali crescent rice, 
flavoured with Uzbekistan extra-virgin saffron heads.
 
Delia says: Terrific. Enjoy the subtle chicken-like 
flavour and texture of the squirrel, while 
complimenting yourself that there is one less tree
rat in the world. The tail makes a handy duster, 
too.
 
 
 
10 things all immigrants should know about the UK
A beginner's guide to Britishness
by the Rockall immigration and nationality 
directorate We at The Rockall Times are delighted
to support the government's new Britishness test 
for anyone unfortunate enough to have been 
born outside our Sceptred Isle who now wishes 
to permanently set up shop in the world's biggest
repository of state benefits.
 
To promote the rigorous application of the 
Britishness yardstick, an advisory body has just 
published an essential 100-page guide - entitled
A Life in the UK - which gives newcomers a
fascinating insight into life in good old Blighty. 
More importantly, each fact digested moves the
proto-citizen one step closer to that more 
treasured of all possessions - the compulsory
 ID card.
 
So, it is with great pleasure that we hereby 
reproduce ten randomly-selected extracts from 
A Life in the UK.
Welcome to Britain!
 
Just under half of UK households own a pet - 
dogs and cats are most popular. 
A few people keep grandparents for the amusement 
of their children, but most prefer to home these high
-maintenance creatures in "care homes" - a bit like 
kennels but not as well appointed.
 
Heirs to the throne are not allowed to marry anyone
who is not Protestant, although extra-marital 
indiscretions, talking to plants and giving forth on
any subject - no matter how slim one's grasp of 
the topic - is permitted as long as it does not 
unduly frighten the horses.
 
Years ago, an engagement was seen as a legal 
contract. Today it is not. If a person breaks off
their engagement there is usually no duty even
to return the ring. Likewise, marriage is nowadays
something you do just to get a lovely honeymoon
in the Seychelles and lots of presents, with no 
obligation to try and make the union last more 
than a couple of months. Unless, of course, 
you're marrying someone to get a British passport,
in which case you will need to make some sort of
pretence for at least two years. Sex in such cases 
is optional.
 
Thatched cottages are mainly the products of south, 
south-west and the east of England. Up North(tm), 
everyone lives in small, soot-encrusted terrace 
houses  with outside privvies and tin baths in front 
of the coal fire. 
 
In Wales, people build stone structures insulated 
withturf to house their beasts, while they 
themselves sleep on the ground wrapped in 
sheepskins. 
 
Property prices in the UK rose 3,925 per cent 
between 2001 and the end of 2004. A small 
pile of recycled bricks formed into a cube roughly
the size of a dustbin recently sold in London for
£1.2m.
 
 
Boxing Day is so named because servants, 
gardeners and other tradespeople used to 
receive money (a Christmas box) in appreciation
for work done throughout the year.
 
Some postmen still get them, but are more likely to 
get a smack in the mouth for rifling the Xmas mail 
in search of tenners sent by adoring grandparents to 
their wide-eyed and expectant grandchildren.
 
 
Motorcyclists and passengers must wear crash 
helmets,but the rule does not apply to Sikhs wearing
turbans. Neither are children living on sink estates
bound by this rule. They also enjoy the privilege of 
being exempt from having either driving licence, 
tax or insurance before mounting their stolen 
scooter of choice.
 
Only the United Nations is a bigger international 
organisation than the Commonwealth, which houses 
30 per cent of the world's population. Many 
Commonwealthians come from a place called "Africa" 
and so are likely to demonstrate a touch of the old 
tar brush - much like yourself.
 
Groups of friends normally buy "rounds" of drinks, 
where the person whose turn it is will buy drinks 
for all the members of the group. It is sometimes
difficult to get served when pubs are busy: people
do not queue, but the bar staff will usually try and 
serve those who have been waiting longest at the
bar first. If you spill a stranger's drink by accident,
it is good manners (and prudent) to offer to buy 
another before they smack you in the mouth. If 
you're of foreign extraction, it is most prudent to
buy drinks for everyone in the pub and to continue
 to do so for around ten years or so. The locals 
will still despise you, but you will at least be spared
the traditional greeting of "what can I get you, you 
dole-scrounging Albanian paedophile cun*t?"
 
 
Chiken Tikka Masala is the UK's favourite traditional 
dish, and is said to have been favoured by none other
than Henry VIII who was introduced to the delicacy 
by Thomas Moore's wife at a Hampton Court Palace 
swan-roast in 1511. 
 
Britons also like low-fat oven chips, crisps, 
microwaveable mini pizzas washed down with 
lashings  and lashings of delicious Sunny D. 
 
Your local supermarket operative will help you locate
these nutritious delicacies.
 
The Rockall Times provides access to a huge range 
of local, national and international information, 
with a news service in just one language - English. 
If you need to find out more about a particular topic,
it is often the best place to begin, with its major 
sections on Society, Sex, Politics, World News and
Yeast Logic. 
 
Naturally, you'll have to learn the language first. 
 
University degrees are difficult and expensive, so 
we recommend a City & Guilds in Beginner's English
for Cypriot Cafe Owners, which includes essential 
starter phrases such as "Wan tos?", "Wan bubble?" 
and "Wan cuppatee too shuga?"
 
And there you have it - pretty well everything you 
need to know to integrate seamlessly into British 
society. We look forward to your swift 
amalgamation into the vibrant, multi-cultural 
melting pot which is themodern United Kingdom. 
Enjoy.

 

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