Crazy Fool's Newsround - people nicking me stuff

people nicking me stuff
September, 01st 2010 21:51 PM

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Bald as a coot

The common coot is a bird with a white bill and front shield, which make it look bald. To be as, ‘bald as a coot’ then, is to be totally bald.

Educated Puns

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

Letters:

Just in case you missed it…here for one last week…

The Making of a GEEZER

The following were submitted to the editor of the Phuket Gazette and subsequently found their way to fool:

As a regular visitor to Phuket I often read the Phuket Gazette.
I particularly liked the Crazy Fool's Newsround article on strong beer in one August issue. Who is this Crazy Fool? Where does he come from? What's his social background?
Is he going to be a regular feature - I hope so.

H

Read the Crazy Fool article while in Phuket on a stop over - Will there be more?? I work for an airline and the Crazy Fool article has done the rounds. We have crew flying in and out of Phuket a couple of times a week and the Crazy Fool is becoming a bit of a cult among crew. Please let me know when he / she will appear again.

Regards,

PaulDay
Qantas / Jetstar Airways

Reply: Dude, that tops the most dude-ish of letters - you get a double geezer badge and to top that you're the first to get one. Your duderism will go down in the course of geezer-ship in the field of duty.

Dear Editor,

Whilst recently on holiday in Phuket I met an employee of yours who described himself as the Crazy Fool. This man entertained me into the small hours of the evening before we returned to my hotel. In order to track down my new romantic interest I have read your newspaper on line and have discovered that the Crazy Fool has in fact appeared in your newspaper. Could you please pass on my contact details to him so that we can remain in touch until I return at the next opportunity.

Regards,

Eric Albright

12 Saviour St

West Park

San Francisco

So, there you go; the fool attracts all-sorts. But the upshot is, no, fool didn’t meet a moustachioed backstreet biker from the hills, nor did he hone his uphill gardening techniques on the said Eric’s vegetable patch. However, he does hope to be a regular feature in Phuket’s favourite rag and subsequently will endeavour to fly the Quantas/Jetstar flag where ever he goes what ever he does, carry the big fresh flavour, what ever you do, where ever you go…that was an advert wasn’t it? Can cooler in the post for the first in with the correct product!

Meanwhile, before such a slanted angle took the better of me, I wanted to at this point post a new competition to promote the art of GEEZERISM; i.e., to be a GEEZER, as pertaining to the whole of the Quantas/Jetstar staff who read fool’s article and as such by their response via their spokesman Mr. Day, have earned it.

Plenty of folk have asked the ponderistic features of being a GEEZER in the past and naturally I’ve had to deck ‘em with one raised eyebrow, as if to say, ‘don’t come the soft boiled prawn doughnut with me sonny-lad-Jim-thing.’

You’ll note Quantas was awarded a Geezer badge for actions above and beyond the call of duty, but for those not quite understanding the etiquette of being a geezer, here are a few examples of things not to say;

‘I can’t eat all these chips.’ – POOF

‘It’s a bit nippy out here in it’ – POOF

‘You’re having another! Your wife’s gonna kill yer’ – POOF

‘Care!’ – GEEZER

I think you get my drift – it’s neither Oxford nor Cambridge or even middle class titteristics that spout from that jelly-faced Jeremy Clarkson cunt who lofts around in his jacket and jeans all posh and rich like, but I’ll tell you now walrus on a plate face; it’s not posh or rich to wear jacket and jeans, it’s GERMAN!

Go on, be a GEEZER and earn a badge today…which of course you’ll never get because … no, bollocks, you will, send in your GEEZERISMS and fool’ll send you a badge if you’re worthy – come and ‘av a go if you think you’re savvy enuff…

Send all entries to fool’s web address by submittance in the contact us page or hit direct on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

People nicking me stuff – making head roads in this life is hard enough without having gout, long hair, a limp, from over-compensation because of the gout, hideous facial features, warts, breath like a turd sandwich, piles, being late for everything, always in trouble with the missus, lice, betty swallocks, writing this, whilst still being late and getting later, having to say gotta, but I’ll be back, I haven’t fifnished yet… as it is, it’s finished by the way, not this but the spelling, spell check, American spell check, you can stick your z’s up your, mine’s a pint, quizzes, chant, banter, nonsense, format, categories all the above I sent to a local radio station, which they said would work, can you show me, oh no, we’re not hiring, but thanks, now all my stuff is on the local radio station by some twat who can’t pull me off – ooh-err! People nicking me stuff - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

bicycles

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Snoop Dig

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Randall, Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…A bottle of…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Comps and results

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…a tick…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from…coming back soon

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – pure laziness! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity