9th - 15th sept 2011 volume 449
September, 14th 2011 19:21 PM

“Davy’s on the road again

Wearin’ different clothes again”

(Manfred Mann’s Earth Band)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

  

Click on fool’s logo in home page – good one this week; – The One With …

Plus new radio station in Phuket – stream live on line at www.radioindochine.com

And catch his live A Question of Sport… Of Sorts! Saturday’s 1-2p.m. Broadcast live from The Lounge, Bang Tao Place, Cherntalay, Phuket.

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 15.9.11                                           

For Elements of: No.3 Royal Air Force, Police Wing

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Show me the green

A man dressed as a Gumby tried to rob a convenient store in the US but couldn’t locate his gun.

 

The man in full green suit, as depicted in the long running US animation series, held up a 7-Eleven store in Southern California became rattled when the cashier brushed aside his motives, which caused the Gumby to become agitated ‘You don’t think this is serious? I have a gun.’ He exclaimed

 

He then proceeded to fumble in his green foam attire but only managed to drop 26 cents on the floor. At this point the plain clothed man, believed to be an accomplice walked out in embarrassment. Sometime later he was heard outside beeping the horn of his car.

 

The cashier described the would-be robber as a, ‘green Sponge Bob Square Pants.’ At which point San Diego Detective Gary Hassen outlined its seriousness, ‘It doesn’t matter if a potential robber is wearing a ski mask, a bandana, a hoodie or a big green head – it’s still a disguise.’

 

A $1000 reward has been offered by US Crime Stoppers, whom many believe was fronted by Gumby’s arch rivals The Blockheads, a pair of humanoid red-coloured figures who wreak mischief and havoc at all times.


 

Wasn’t me

A bus driver who hid under his vehicle to avoid a fine caused major traffic congestion in Zhongshan, China’s Guangdong province.

 

Police were unable to talk out the driver who went through a red light then swapped lanes without due care and attention. The fire brigade were called in to tow the bus but the unnamed man moved in time with his bus.

 

Police eventually used force and yanked him out through a narrow space. The defendant denies any wrong doing.

 

In a similar state of denial an elderly Chinese man who was caught on cctv, admits he may have been speeding, however, pictures posted in the local paper of him groping a female passenger’s breasts whilst driving were down to, ‘camera trickery’, to the extent that he denies there ever being a girl in the car!

 

Meanwhile police have arrested a man in Tacoma, Washington, after he asked a neighbour if he could leave a body in their garbage.

 

Although the neighbours refused, a body was recovered later with a single bullet shot. Anthony Tyrone Clark denies murder and ever seeing the victim.

 

Police are looking to interview the Blockheads.


 

Divine intervention

Tens of thousands of dollars accounted to be the monthly takings of a church were in fact the proceeds of a brothel.

 

On the website of the Phoenix Goddess Temple Church it says, ‘Sex is a holy, sacred and divine healing force and the cure of our beings. Once we embrace this force, instead of deny it, we become successful, happy and powerful manifestors.’

 

33 people arrested on prostitution charges were bailed by two suspicious characters dressed in red who said they worked for the Vatican.


 

 

 

 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Bounding along the corridors of providence, embroiled with glib self-righteousness, it’s difficult to cherish any memoirs of pious grandeur whilst the local Sunday service has been dipped in both Sodom and Gomorrah’s charity box. Just where in the wide, wide world of tolerable diversity does running a brothel from a church warrant such incredulous abhorrence, that not only ply’s a Judas Priest record with credence of Beelzebub ocious proportions but sanctifies the misgivings of workers rights in the eye of the beholder, which in this case would have no doubt seen Mary of Magdalene turning in her secret heavenly quarters and exalting her innocence with a decree of absolute abstinence, whilst she prepares another batch of soothing spa oils for the virtue of moral understanding…, ‘not me boss, I didn’t give the nod’, she exclaims indignantly and pours a scornful eye on the breed of society that brewed such ill-gotten gain and bred this 20th Century lifestyle of hedonistic banquets that beggars belief and lay souly on the shoulders of mankind’s future… or as Mr Bolan put it when he put in the request for this weeks Get It Off Your Chest Request; and so Mr. B, here are your Children of the Revolution…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: I’m watching the rugby here…


 

www.loungephuket.com

 

Here’s a story I couldn’t leave out; Benedict La Gouache’s truthful CV from which he has an interview as a copywriter; briefly and in note form reads; ‘venereal disease-free’, ‘relaxed attitude to punctuality’, aged 28, ‘previous jobs boring and disheartening’, ‘philosophy degree pointless’, ‘peddling disastrous horses arses’, ‘stealing ginger biscuits’, ‘good at hiding and pretending to be on the phone’, ‘can stick with people I hold in contempt’, ‘can lift more than it looks I can’, ‘likes to draw pictures of friends and close eyes and pretend to be Darth Vader’,  he vows to write a conventional CV once he gives up smoking and possesses the chemical impetus.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘A waiter is a man who believes that money grows on trays.’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*A burglar by the name of Hu Feng, stole a parrot and sold it to a pet shop. Just by chance the original owner, Wang Lu, visited the pet shop when the bird started ‘shouting’ and gave the name and address of Hu. Wang Lu said, ‘The shop owner hadn’t been able to make the bird talk, but as soon as he saw me he wouldn’t stop. He even does impressions of the geese on our farm.’ Just in case you were wondering; African parrots go for around £260 in China – worth taking a gander at.

 

*Not sure how much a two-snouted pig goes for, but there’s one in northern China, Jilin province to be exact. Named Xiabao, which means ‘babe’, the little piggy literally does have two mouths to feed but finds it difficult because his head is too heavy to lift.

 

*A sheep in New Zealand is predicting the rugby World Cup wins for the All Blacks by eating from a hay box with the country’s flag on. Sonny Wool was originally trained to predict the weather. Rather unconvincingly it has already picked New Zealand over Tonga and will no doubt get the best hay for Japan and Canada Japan, but all eyes are on the French. Meanwhile the Emperor penguin dubbed Happy Feet that lost its way and ended up on a beach in New Zealand is feared to have been eaten by a killer whale. The penguin was nursed back to health at Wellington Zoo after eating sand it mistook for snow. Sirtrack helped the bird back to its habitat and attached a device that hasn’t been recorded for three days. A spokesman said, ‘That’s the way the world goes round.’

 

*A Cambodian boy suckles from a cow. At 20 months old; Tha Sophet helps himself to a dairy teat twice a day after his parents left for Thailand to work and put Granddad in charge. Um Deung, the grand father said he tried to pull him away but he relented and kept going back.

 

Number crunching


 

*The battle of the fatties is hotting up as the world’s official fattest woman; Pauline Potter tops 50st. However, she has stern competition from unofficial 52st Susan Eman who is aiming for a whopping 115st stone before she croaks. She’s gunning for 57st by the end of this year, whilst Donna Simpson is currently the heaviest mum at 43st and is aiming for a scale toppling 72st, despite doctors health warnings. She then went on to explain how she can no longer fit in the car and how she has to wash daily between the folds to stop infections… and that’s where my interest stopped.

 

*If you’re thinking of doing the dirty, Mexico is the place where the public will most tolerate the sexual indiscretions of politicians and stars at 57%. Next up was Belgium on 55% in a poll conducted by Reuters, with USA on 48% and France a disbelieving 33%. Japan will least tolerate such behaviour with only 28% condoning such indecencies. Meanwhile, a Supervisor in San Francisco’s bay area is fed up with the legal nudity of restaurant goer’s naked bums on seats and has proposed an ordinance to make clothes a necessity. Appropriately named Scott Wiener said, ‘When you have your orifices exposed in an eating establishment, a lot of people don’t like it.’

 

*Andy Pag has just completed a world trip in his converted Mercedes school bus fuelled on vegetable oil. The bio-truck has a 1,200 litre tank fitted under the bed of his eco-home - fact.

 

*A £468m satellite is about to fall out of the sky and could land on you. The Upper Atmosphere Research satellite is 155 miles up and was launched 20 years ago to study climate change. It has long since ran out of fuel and is on its way down. The odds of bits of it hitting someone are 1-in-3,200, as Gene Stasbury from NASA explained, ‘Things have been re-entering ever since the dawn of the space age; to date, nobody has been injured by anything that’s re-entered. That doesn’t mean we’re not concerned.’ – San Fran will have them.

 

*31 year-old Londoner Dave Cornthwaite has just spent two and half months paddle-boarding 2,340 miles down the Mississippi River. He started where he describes the source as a creek 6ft wide and a foot deep then covered 77.2 miles a day. This was No.4 in a series of 25 lengthy quests he has set for himself. He’s already skate-boarded 2,240 miles from Perth to Brisbane, kayaked 1,476 miles along the Murray River and tandem-biked 1,300 miles from Vancouver BC to Las Vegas. He next plans to ride a bike with a sail across the Chilean Desert and hopes to raise $1.6m for AV Foundation, an East African charity specialising in technical support for electric and water and a breast cancer charity called Coppafeel.

 

*Bernie Ecclestone’s heiress daughter Tamara has a £1m bath fitted in her £47m Chelsea pad. Made from Amazonian crystals, she says its money well spent as she spends a lot of time in the bath.

 

*And demolition man Steven Magee has eaten a full English breakfast worth 7,500 calories and weighed 3 kilos. 60 customers have tried and failed the record breaker at the Hungry Horse café in Corby Northamptonshire, which consists of 3 sausages, 3 beef burgers, 3 rashers of bacon, 3 slices of black pudding, 3 square sausages, 3 portions of beans, 3 portions of mushrooms, 3 potato waffles, 3 potato scones, 3 hash browns, 3 portions of fried bread, 3 rounds of bread and butter, 3 rounds of toast and all cooked on a 3ft griddle - At least there’s something healthy about it. You know, in Saint-Aygulf in southern France they make an omelette with 14,400 eggs, using 15 litres of oil and 3 kilos of butter and cook it in a 3metre pan… but I don’t want to talk about 3’s, we like 5’s, here’s Bowie…

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page


 

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