‘She's got legs she knows how to use them.'

(ZZ top)

Repunzel: A Film starring: Bristley Shears, Prince Adolf and crazy fool; Act II, scene I

Bristley

Prince: Repunzel Repunzel lay down'z your long golden heir.

fool; err, just a minute my prince. (Turns to the drunk shaven headed diva on the floor, who's warbling ‘oh fuck I've shat myself again...') - Bristly, Bristly wake up you daft bitch, your blokes here again, what are we gonna do?

Prince: Who art z'thou talking ze shitzen to z'thout fair rumpy maiden?

fool: Ahem...errr...no-one, be with you in a minute (fool spy's some bleach on the stone slabbed castle floor and proceeds to soak his long midnight shadow - beard, but doesn't have enough to finish the job. He hastily drapes it from the tower's window after incessant barks from The Prince, who is now climbing the bleached blonde bristles of fool's beard, which on every step are fading back to their natural auburn / ginger-brown autumnal tones, where upon the prince reveals to himself his approval)

Prince: Ah, zis colour not so bad eh. From now on my likes for ze dames head vill be for-Eva Braun!

Holy fuckelroy - they get worse don't they.

Beard shaving?

Bet ya wondering what the opening credits from ZZ top have got to do with this week's theme eh? Yes, believe it or not there are themes - loosely. Anyway, if you get it, use it as the first question in this week's tittyeasers! As for beards they are essential once in a lifetime for any grown man or 84 year-old widow from the hills of Georgia. From Jesus to John O'Groats they've all donned them. Why mine was like a sail the other day as sped over a high bridge on my moped on the way to work. And as they do mushroom it is true that you'll find the odd crumb from yesterday's dinner in there!

Go to work on a beard - have you grown one today?

But now folks it's to unwind with some serious cerebral scratching:

1. What is the connection between ZZtop's opening credits and today's theme? (See above)

2. Which two companies first developed the compact disc?

3. What is the middle colour of the Italian flag?

4. What is the only English anagram of MARASHINO? (And what the blazers does that mean?)

5. What is formed by the metamorphosis of limestone?

6. Where did Polly work for Basil and Sybil?

7. What is Ceylon now called?

8. Who were the three founder members of The Who that remained after the death of Keith Moon?

Answers on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ *Comps & results - we have a new winner this week folks. Did she get the WHO AM I? - I can't remember, but someone else definitely did - have a look at the page. Anyway; onto a new-un:

WHO AM I? ‘I'll be commentating on the world stage in the next month or so, alternating with Lamb'

Is it me?

But enough of that, have you tried a slice of PACHARAN - the numero uno tapas & bodega joint in Nam - ‘Oh baby when you dance like that - bodega bodega.' It is No.1 - no bull.

Pacharan no bull

Check the other supporters of cfn for links - you might find something you like. In the meantime if you want to get in touch with the fool hit the contacts page or just mail him on info@cfnr.co.uk 

But what's on in cfn this week: *Digger's got all the reviews, previews and news...mail him on diggerafl@yahoo.com.au for your say...& *Trigger's got all the gee-gee form from Down Under - giddy-up. There's a new one from the *Archives or should that be an old one? A new *TiV is on it's way, as too are many, many new items - I'm just a bit of a busy lad right now - Stay tuned to cfn for all your necessities. Old favourites, such as *Tit-bits and the *Comps pages are always there. Remember - Just cf it!

I don't know about those Bongo Massif bro's but the Fishman cometh...

But now let's take a look at the odd shaped ball:

And how about Gloucester dumping the Leicester Tigers and moving up to 2^nd spot in the English Guinness Premiership eh! - Err, exactly how about it - especially when we had some nifty Super 14's to write about and a bundle of smileys to comment on from the RBS Six Nations.

And starting with them; Ireland must be happy with their God, for a pipped win over the Scots 19-18. Scotland really went to that Celtic party with a forward gritty disruption plan in mind and they nearly got it - and they got that but not the result.

Irish coach Eddie O'Sullivan was even happier with his God that player Ronan O'Gara wasn't killed after he was suspected of being ‘choked'. He said of Ronan, as he lay motionless next to a ruck at full time; "He could have died and was going blue. John Hayes spotted him immediately and put him into the recovery position. Maybe the person involved could come forward and explain what happened." - Aye, attempted murder schemes the fool - call Taggart.

Onto Italy's win over Wales; 23-20 and they really did have their God on their side eh. In a game that could've gone either way, well I suppose it did didn't it in the end, with the Italian's doing enough to hold off, comeback and hold off again. The Welsh were right to be a tad peeved when they were awarded a penalty in the dying seconds, went for the try instead of kick only for ref, Chris White to blow up for time and end the game! After nearly being lynched Chris said, "I'd like to apologise to the Welsh coaching staff and players for the misunderstanding. I would like to thank them for the good grace with which my apology was accepted." - As the ambulance doors were closed...

What the ...

If that wasn't enough action England's young guns whipped the French, as the fool predicted last week, 26-18. Ashton and the boys were pretty happy with that as you'd expect, especially with the performance of the youngsters in Flood and Geraghty, who said, "I was just happy to get on - and to have a hand in a try was great." - Just great mate, great. - I'd praise the pack personally.

Flood

Flood also got a try on his debut start, but it was Captain Catt who got emotional, "When you face France, who came here the only capable team of winning a Slam, you have to front up. It is our first win over them since the 2003 World Cup semi-finals, and my first game against them since that match. I'm not afraid to admit there's a lot of emotion surrounding this performance, and a lot of strong feelings among the boys." Feelings, nothing more but feelings, trying to forget, the feelings of love...

Catt emotional

Dewi Morris chipped in his tuppence worth, and expressed his likings for the young blood, (poof), "To me it's like one of those ‘Terminator' movies where the robots are finally overcome by humans." - He went onto get a bit arty, "Here was a young English side, sprinkled by a little moondust from Catt and Corry. Let them stay together and become England's future." - Beautiful Dewi, beautiful!

moondust

Well it's the last round this Saturday and Wales can't win it but keep your eye on Hooky - he's good isn't he. And Mark Cueto's back for England; the fool rates him as pure class and one of the best wings in the business - he's playing fullback on Saturday!

Cueto and dad!

Anyway, Ireland, France and England are level on table points but it's the Irish' massive points difference and ‘easy' draw against Italy that should stead them as favourites. But can Scotland cause an upset in Paris? Will the Taffs finally get a win this season in Cardiff against the English? - fool's bettings: Ireland, France, England.

P.s. the bet's still out there!

so are these

Ok, let's have a round-up of some Super 14's goings on: And it's the Auckland Blues who are running away with the accolades so far. They are a team who basically are showing the rest of the world how to play fast running, forward and back intermingled rugby.

Dougie Howlett's pushing for the vacant wingers spot in the All Blacks. He had a couple of great hits and two more tries to notch level pegging with top try scorer in the comp with Joe Roff on 57. But that's not what pleased Australian coach (The only talent from Oz in the comp so far!) David Nucifora; "I don't know about the tries, but I liked the tackles." - Can be touch sometimes, those coaches.

Ok, The Bulls hoofed the Tah's in the Aussie Stadium 32-19, and became the only 2^nd S.A team to have two back to back wins in Aus - the other being The Lions the week before.

But it's The Natal Sharks who are the on form S.A. team who had a great win 30-14 over the Cheetahs in Bloemfontein - the racist heart of S.A.!!!

In Natal

In other news Portugal beat Uruguay 12-5 in Lisbon and that means Uruguay will have to beat Portugal in Montevideo by 8 points or more on 24^th March if they want to go to France in September. - Ah Paris in the Autumn

Paris in autumn

Other quick's; and French Clubs want the New Zealanders, and it looks like they may get em - Byron Kelleher and Nick Evans off to Agen? Anton Oliver and Luke McAllister to Toulouse or Biarritz? And Howlett and Ali Williams are also getting bombarded from the Top 14 Club's, now that there's a new T.V. deal in the Championship - ah, money talks - ‘hello money' ‘Hello fool'. In the meantime Chris Jack's off to Saracens and Aaron Mauger to Leicester - there's only about 300 people in the whole country anyway. There'll be none left in a couple of years!

Best beard in rugby this week: Chabal

Chabal hides

And now this...

But now it's cricket time:

And only one of 16 teams from 51 matches is going to lift the winner's trophy in Barbados on 28^th April - that's a fact - I thank you.

Michael Vaughan reckons it could be him, he said, "I think we can win the World Cup. Any team in the top 8 will say exactly the same and it's about getting your performance levels to the right standard in these conditions." - Performance levels Shoaib, performance levels.

I've just farted

He continues, "If you get on a roll in one-day cricket, momentum can take you a long way." - That's why Alec Stewart reckons he's the best cricket captain now.

Vaughan goes onto reiterate the track and field, "I believe the team who handles the conditions quickest will do well because every island, every wicket could be different." - Island, Barbados - sounds terrible doesn't it.

But it was the Windies who opened up shop with a win over Pakistan - that right there is the fool's money!

Kenya beat the Mounties by loads, and do you remember they made the semi's in 2003! Australia thumped the kilted ones by 203 runs, amassing 334-6. The Punter got 113 of them himself, he said, "Things are starting to feel really good and the boys played well." - They hold the record for most winning runs - 256 - against Namibia 2003.

Graeme Smith is shrugging off the notion that the current best ODI team are ‘chokers' in reference to throwing away important leads. I think you'd have to agree with him there, especially that 434 game. Graeme says, "I would say the word ‘chokers' is quite a laughable word. When we're at a restaurant eating our spare ribs, we smile about it." - He says pretending to sound human and not a murdering racist ‘Is-it' choker!

Tarum Sharma 23 from India is going to kill himself by setting himself on fire if his government won't let him sell his kidney, as he says. "Anybody can survive with one kidney but you will never get the opportunity to watch India win the World Cup in the West Indies." - Nope, and you probably never will - ‘put another log on the fire for me, sit down and drink some coffee...'

Put another log on

Not so drastic is England's Jamie Anderson's broken little finger on his bowling hand. That doesn't sound good for their opening clash with N.Z. on Friday. Freddie said, "N.Z. have plenty of destructive hitters and all-rounders. The two teams are evenly matched and it should be a very close game."

Yep its a finger

He then said, "My left toe looks bigger than it did in Australia. It was black and blue but it is still a bit sore." !!!!!

Kiwi Shane Bond said he used to be a Policeman and that, "Was the making of me as a cricketer." What? All policemen in New Zealand play cricket? Ah no, hang on he was referring to being involved in uncomfortable situations and how being a copper helped him with that e.g. house raids and visits to the morgue etc. Now he says, "Bowling to Kevin Pieterson doesn't seem so bad after that." - And I just got it - Freddie was referring to his bad ankle, which is on the mend!

Best beard in cricket this week: Monty.

Other sport:

Lewis Hamilton goes into Melbourne's opening F1 GP this Sunday with trepidations from David Coulthard and Button who think he should have done another year's testing. But gets the thumbs up from Webber who says, "Lewis will win races this year."

Fernando is the benchmark of course, now with the Shoe gone, and hot on his heels is Kimi Fuckinhell the Finn. None of it bothers Lewis though and he's a basic chap who nonchantly said, "My aim would be to finish, preferably in the points." - You do that mate.

Keep on track Lewis

Wembley's 90,000 seater stadium opens on 24^th March with a sell out crowd of 60,000! It's a bit of a tester for the England v Italy under 21's. It was only 10 quid a ticket, but there's a long way to go to pay off the £326m cost.

Wembley

I don't think any of the boys will be playing in Nike's new trainers - they're made from crocodile skin and cost £1,400 a pair. There's one pair for one size in a glass case in premier shop in London's Oxford Circus, to celebrate the 25^th anniversary of Nike's Air Force 1 Liner - I don't know either. But they have got them in anaconda too. Animal rights activist Cliff Warwick said, "Its distasteful consumer excess." - cf says ‘I'll have a pair and make it snappy.' - Oldies are the oldies.

advertisement

Ok, what else is in the news:

Factory Girl starring saucy Sienna Miller has got one of the best raunchiest sex scenes the big screen has ever seen - paying attention now? She says, "They put make up all over your body so it looks like you have a nice bum and you don't see the stretch marks that us girls all have."

Not me

In scenes with Hayden Christiansen rumours were rife they were at it for real as it was so...real! On that she said, "I think if you're going to do a love scene you may as well do it, because people don't have sex with clothes on." - Did she?

Got the horn?

Angelina Jolie is here in Saigon, as I speak. She's here to pick up foster child # 3. Her and Brad do have one by birth, as in born to them! Her name is Shiloh, and two by adoption, Maddox 5 from Cambodia and Zahar 2 from Ethiopia. Next will be Xerox from planet Zob

Scary

Sly Stallone is in the Aussie dock for taking in 48 vials of growth hormone drug Jintrapin - your 5ft 6" dude - deal with it.

Something for the nerds: Britain's building a new cruise liner; The Ventura. Here are some stats that I liked: its 951ft long. It takes 300 tons of paint to cover it - that's 5 X the Eiffel Tower, which I didn't know had paint! It has 11 acres of carpet. For 3000 passengers on a 14 day voyage they'll drink: 3,900 bottles of bubbly and white wine, 1,800 of red. 2,500 bottles of whisky, 1,800 of gin, rum and vodka. 600 bottles of cognac, 50,400 beers and 42,700 of soft drinks. - How do they know, they haven't gone on it yet!

Building Ventura

A woman from Hong Kong swallowed a toothbrush whole and still managed to call 999 for help - what did she swallow her dentures first!

Get this; 17 year old Nick Coates from Glouc, UK has been offered £8.5m for his website; sharpeness, a newspaper for young kids - hey watch it, what about crazy fool's? I knew the market was kids. Anyhow, he said, "I could walk away with about £4m - but I'm not interested in that at the moment." - His mum and dad are going spare - ‘sell the fucker son, sell it...' He gets 70 volunteers from around the world to help - I bet they'll be on the phone soon. He's still doing his A-levels and works 10 hours a week in Comet (A shop that sells washing machines and toasters etc...) - Anyway I can't go on with this story, it's too upsetting, what about cfn, what about my news, I could have been someone...

Thats what I think of it

A new kind of leopard has just been discovered, that was actually spotted 180 years ago. WWF's Stuart Chapman explains about the Borneo Clouded Leopard, "For the past 180 years we've been looking at this animal and never realised it was unique." - ‘Does that look like a T-rex to you?'

Borneo Leopard

Ok, lastly, Neanderthal man died out 30,000 years ago from climate change and incest. Top boff Jose Carrion from the University of Murcia, Southern Spain said, "Groups got small, finding it impossible to cleanse their blood. Climate change and incest finished them off." Humans only continued because they used new tools and moved into bigger colonies - now we've got remote T.V.

Just cf it!

cf