Crazy Fool's Newsround - 9th - 15th July 2010 volume 388

9th - 15th July 2010 volume 388
July, 14th 2010 21:15 PM

“I was a Highwayman. Along the coach roads did I ride

With my sword and pistol by my side”

(The Highwaymen)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 15.7.10

For 104 Force Support Battalion Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Band on the run

Armed only with a double-barrelled surname 19 year-old Colton Harris-Moore has evaded the Washington police for at least 1000 miles; until now.

Dubbed the Barefoot Bandit following a series of burglaries, Colton has been on the run since 2007. Making his escapes on foot, car and boat, it is now believed he learned to fly from video games, stole a Cessna light aircraft in Indiana and fled to the Bahamas.

FBI agent Steve Dean said, “Harris-Moore has gone from being a regional nuisance to a national nuisance to an out and out criminal.”

And in reference to his cult following on facebook (the website that endorses criminals…Freedom of Speech Rake in the Subscribers Act 2010, see pages for Raol Moat, Wayne Rooney and Ned Kelly), which has amassed close to 70,000. Plus merchandise such as T-shirts and songs that have also been dedicated to the 6ft 6” child star; The agent concluded, “It is irresponsible and sad that people are creating a hero out of him.”

After securing a $1m book deal, Colton’s mum wiped back a tear saying, “I’m glad Colton is able to enjoy a beautiful island.”

… ‘…yep, that’s right, Tom Hanks, no, no, MacGyver as Steve Dean, aha, and Tom Cruise on top of DiCaprio’s shoulders for my boy…aha…yep, theme tune; Wings’

Keeping on track

Following years of inhibitions, stuffy rail commuters on America’s rail service Amtrak have been subject to at least one mooning per annum.

The ‘Mooning of the Amtrak’ tradition stems back 30 years and is believed to have started in a pub nearby the tracks called the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel, where it is believed one happy punter offered to buy a drink for anyone who ‘mooned’ the passing train.

At its peak 10,000 bare-arsed locals showed the ‘iron horse’ brigade what they thought of them. However, at times it got so out of control couples with a one track mind began to have full blown sex by the lines.

The Orange County Sheriff now oversees proceedings and only 100 or so revellers take part. Whether folk are still mooning is not known.

Back for a second viewing – too good to be shown only once

Keeping mum

Keeping them firmly tucked away the Instant Boob Job Bra offers a natural look, whilst not overheating.

The British company has inflated its assets by up to two sizes and with the technology of microbeads (little beads), which like frozen peas keeps the bra and its holdings cool, unlike silicone which has tendencies to overheat.

A spokesman from the lingerie company said, “Britain is way out in front in bra technology. Our team has been tirelessly working to discover the answer to the ultimate cleavage without going under the knife.”

This may sound like a pointless exercise, as blokes might just as well walk around with a sock in their pants, but it seems women really are conscious about their body confidence as some 48% of British women prefer keeping one item of kit on whilst having sex, it has been revealed in a recent survey.

37% of men would prefer it to be a negligee but the bra wins hands down by 61%, which reminds me that England’s Ian Ashcombe won the World Pea Shooting Champion for the second year running.

A good old fashioned British orgy

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘When Jim Morrison wrote Peas Frog in February 1970 it was thought to be a subliminal prophetic reference Paul McCartney’s pea shooting classic of 1983, the Pipes of Peas, which was then fashioned into a winning formula pipe for Ian Ashombe. Unfortunately fool doesn’t have a tape of this classic but he has been inundated with calls regarding last week’s Elvis Shrimp song and thus has been requested to play another rare treat from the King; this time down on the farm…’

Take it away Elvis: (only available on website!)

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: MYSTERY BUS – The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10^th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,

Animal news

*Camel milk holds only 2% fat as opposed to a cow’s 4%. It also houses 5 times the amount of Vitamin C and has lower cholesterol. It’s good for type b diabetes and where am I going with this? Oh yeah, it’ll be in British shops soon. It’ll be expensive mind, as your average camel only yields 13 pints a day compared to a cow’s 50. Oh, and it tastes like crap. Have you had yours today!

*Andy Brandy Casagrande (real name!) sings to sharks and enjoys it so much he recorded a song, with them, and his guitar, in the water; The Great White Shark Song is his stand for awareness to the environment.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but what do the man-eating, murdering bastards do for our environment apart from eat left over number plates.

Starting off with the line, “If I were a shark I wouldn’t bite you, I’d just swim up beside you,” the song goes on to describe in detail how the poor mites confuse surfers with seals and so rip them apart, then come back for more because they like the taste of human flesh, because deep down they are sadistic serial killers with the want for nothing more than to impose terror on 4^th July (close the fucking beaches God dammit Mayor) as depicted in such favourite lines as, ‘It’s my ocean too, so please keep it clean, ’cause I can be fucking mean.’ – Can’t way to play it next on my yum yum yellow waterproof ipod whilst I’m pissing in the sea… nurse…nurse…

*Timothy Delano 18 had his hand ripped off by an alligator in the Naples Canal in Florida this week. He managed to scramble ashore and make it to a nearby garage where an air ambulance took care of him but couldn’t re-attach the hand as it was covered in toxins from the gators stomach. He did manage to call his mum and leave a message saying, ‘Mum, I have no left hand, Goodbye.’ – He couldn’t have sent a text, not using that kind of grammar anyway.

Meanwhile an unnamed 37 year-old Aussie drunk (take your pick) was thrown out of a pub in Broome so went to the nearby Broome Crocodile Park and rode the back of a giant salty called Fatso.

The drunk remains alive if a little eaten, as police sergeant Roger Haynes explains, “He has attempted to sit on the back and the croc has taken offence to that and has spun around and bitten him on the right leg.” – If he thought that was a problem, just wait till he gets home.

*Research at Sheffield and Warwick Universities categorically state that the chicken came before the egg, which makes sense or you wouldn’t have the egg!

Protein found in the chicken’s ovaries called ovocledidin-17 speeds up the development of the shell by converting the calcium carbonate to calcite crystals. It’s all in the report, Structural Control of Crystal Nuclei by an Eggshell Protein. – have yours delivered today.

Number crunching

*Britain’s oldest hardware store is to close as it cannot compete with the out of town DIY superstores. Gill & Co Ironmongers was founded in oxford in 1530. Owner Victor Hunt 48 said, “It’s an end of an era.” – Which is naturally devastating if you like that sort of thing, but just in case you didn’t; a model with the world’s biggest implants has picked up a bug whilst having her form restored after the birth of her son.

Brazilian, not her size, Sheyla Hersly 30 had to return to her country to have the op as US doctors refused to tackle her 38kkk’s.

*130 year-old granny Antisa Khichava is awaiting the nod from the Guinness Book of Records to find out if she is the oldest person on the planet.

Local authorities confirm her documents tally-up; however, Anitsa is not fazed by beauroctratic legalities as the pensioner tucked into a splash of vodka, corn porridge and some spicy chicken in her Georgian mountain village.

Yes ladies, you are this year’s oldest trio…

*The American Psychological Association has confirmed that more women are turning lesbian in their 30’s as they become more relaxed with life.

Knit one stab one

Berliner Patricia Waller 48 hand knits and crotchet’s macabre toys which sell at £1000 – £25,000 a pop. Her biggest sellers are of Bugs Bunny with a fork in its belly, a teddy with its head sawn off, a mole skewered by a trowel, a rabbit about to be stabbed by a carrot and her piece de resistance, Miss Piggy in a mincing machine.

Finally, 23 year-old Romanian model Sersian Buriova has formed a political party for beautiful people.

Among her policies are a tax levy of €10 a kilo for overweight people, €100 fine for infidelity and prison for jokes depicting blondes as dumb.

Draconian perhaps, but she has a point for creating revenue, especially in the tourist sector where she envisages all tourists guides to wear bikinis.

And welcome to the doughnut factory

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz