Crazy Fool's Newsround - 9th - 15th April 10 volume 375

9th - 15th April 10 volume 375
April, 14th 2010 21:22 PM

“Let me tell you people a low down thing or two

I just can’t stand that old evil way she do

She gonna miss me, yeah, you’re gonna miss me

You’re gonna miss me baby, when I’m dead and gone”

(Muddy Waters)

Harpdog Brown

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 15.4.10

For the 3^rd Battalion Rifles

The rugby bit:

Can you

feel the Force?

Published 15.4.10

Heineken Cup: about time, it’s been a while

What do boots make…

Eight missed kicks cost Clermont a one point deficit to Leinster to the negative tune of 28-29. fool never whips the boot boys however; Johnny Sexton planted his smackers whereas Morgan Parra and Brock James were overly continental with their attempts at goal.

In a classic Heineken Cup quarter final the lead changed four times with only two try scorers sharing a five-haul spoil. Clermont maybe top of their domestic table but they didn’t have the clout to steer home a semi final in this comp this year.

However, it must be said the Irish luck saw them ride a 40% margin of possession and territory and a 20-10 score line going into the sheds – whose line and whose sheds is anyone’s guess, but a wild stab would suggest they weren’t in their favour

Leinster did, nevertheless, do the necessary when they had the ball yet, Mazieu snuck home first in the 12^th minute with a neat chip from James, gathered by Gonzalo Canale onto Aurelien Rougerie and finally Malzieu to touch down.

B.O’D steamed at Marius Joubert then sketched him to put Heaslip away for a scorcher and not long after in the 34^th minute Heaslip was over the whitewash again from a lineout.

Come the 43^rd minute come the Malzieu fella again and he simply carved up Shane Horgan for pace to notch his second try. Clermont’s third came from territorial attack, a high kick, which Horgan fumbled, gathered, turned to clear and it was charged down by Joubert who put away, none other than the M fella for his third.

Roncero’s records presents

Down by the Med, Toulouse snuffed out Stade Francais 42-16. The Parisians touched down first with neat hands from Hugo Southwell to Noel Herman Oelschig onto Lional Beauxis and was finally recorded on Roncero’s record sheet.

Argentinean prop Albacete bollocks’d his way over for Toulouse, centre Yannick Jauzion snuck under a vain tackle to grab the second five-pointer and Cedric Heymens ran in a routine try to hammer home the nails.

Ball room Britz

A late Nikki Walker try for the O’s left a pulsating finish in San Sebastian but the boys from the big surf held on 29-28.

Ospreys may think they were hard done by when a Biarritz offside hand slapped down a ball in front of the posts in the last minute, which produced only a scrum and not the expected penalty. Dan Biggar missed the drop attempt that ensued and all was over for the Welsh.

This was a cracking game in the Spanish spring sun with both sides creating end to end stuff. Damien Traille dropped a goal after 30 seconds. Takudzwa Ngwenya’s try was a stunner; from a scrum the ball was quickly shipped his way and off he took off down the wing like a raging bull on Meow, brushing off Shane Williams (6623) tackle in his wake.

Ospreys immediately bounced back from a James Hook break and it was nonchalantly finished by Ryan Jones who stepped inside the last defender. Some penalties and another DT drop goal ate some time before Hook and Biggar combined neatly to put away Lee Byrne for another score.

Ian Balshaw rallied after a Ngwenya kick to score Biarritz’s third and that man DT dropped his third. With ten minutes to go Nikki Walker’s try was more than a consolation, but time eventually burped it’s last and as it turned out it was nothing but.

Soulon suckers!

Toulon beat Scarlets 38-12. 13 points came from the boot of Sgt. Wilko and three of Toulon’s five tries had to wait till the final eight minutes.

The first went to Clermont Morieniol after a quick tap and go from Matt Henjak, who reportedly hasn’t punched anyone in a nightclub for at least a season.

The second went to Sean Lamont’s 35m kick and chase and despite Morieniol sin binned in the 52^nd minute Scarlets did not point up. The last three came from Jeremy Finzelle, Sonny Boy Williams and Olivier Missoup.

Begorra O’Gara

Northampton slipped up to Munster’s dominance 33-19 at Thomond Park. O’Gara’s control of territory in the second half strangled the Saints and once the Red shirts have control there’s nothing stopping them.

Dougie Howlett’s two tries and Jean de Villiers and Paul Warwick’s one a piece sent the last remaining English team out of the comp, despite Saints centre Jon Clarke’s try and the hoof points of Stephen Myler.

Heineken Cup semi’s

Semi one: Toulouse v Leinster 1^st May; Stade de Toulouse @ 15.45 GMT

Semi two: Biarritz v Munster 2^nd May; Estadio Anoeta @ 15.15 GMT

Amlin Cup semi’s

One: Connaught v Toulon – Jim Staples is unavailable

Two: Wasps v Cardiff

Dates TBA

Guinness Premiership:

To be honest I’m confused if these are the Guinness or Amlin Challenge games – I think the latter. Either way here are the results: Sale succumbed to Saracens 30-19. A 75^th minute Brad Barritt try sealed the previous efforts from Chris Wyles and Alex Goode. Sisa Koyamaibole has a funny name and scored with it for Sale/ L. Irish took care of Worcester 23-13. The Warriors now lie 4 points below Leeds and staying up doesn’t look promising. The Armitage brothers scored for the Exiles with Alex Grove touching down for Worcester – not to get confused with Alex Goode, and definitely not the lion from NY Zoo! / Leeds were whopped 11-46 by Quins. Four tries in six minutes did the trick there, two from Mick Brown, and one each from David Strettle, George Lowe and Chris Brooker. Leeds five-haulers were Cerion Thomas and Alfie To’oeia. Jim Staples and Frankie Croxford did not play/ Wasps knocked Gloucester about then put 42 past their 26. The Cip was in scintillating form with a hand in all three of Tom Varndell’s tries and in Serge Betsen’s one/ This definitely is an Amlin game therefore I will make light as we haven’t got time to show every bloody result…except this one; Newcastle 20 Cardiff 55. Despite the seven Welsh tries Newcastle said it was the best first half they’d ever played.

Top 14: Heineken…

Magners League: …Cup

Super14’s

Can you feel the Force

Bulls stay top with a 33-19 win over Chiefs in New Zealand. Gerhaard van den Heever opened the account under the posts from lineout reward. A fumble by Bulls let Brendon Leonard and his bald head in for the Chiefs. Pierre Spies played his 50^th Super14 game and is nothing short of a freak. Fourie du Preez sped up field to find his hooker Botha with him and he scored. The Chiefs let slip in the final ten minutes and Potgeiter went in for the bonus try/ The ‘Is-it’s’ had even more success in New Zealand; this time Stormers beat Blues at Eden Park 33-21, which stemmed from precision set piece work and a remarkable defence. Their record shows only 96 points against, which is 100 clear of any rival. Basic Blues mistakes thwarted their advance despite tries from Luke McAlister and Joe I-should-cocko/Force riding on a high from last week’s win over Stormers continued and they beat Highlanders 41-27 in Queenstown. Ryan Cross and Cameron Shepherd scored two each with Justin Turner the other. The lead bobbed around a 6-0 margin till the 70^th minute. Highlanders prop Chris King scored in his 50^th Super14 game, whilst Stefan Setefano and Fetu’u Vainikolo got the others – Can you feel the Force?/ Reds swamped Lions 41-26 with three tries in the first 17 minutes from Quade Cooper, Rod Davies and Seina Faingaa. The Lions, still looking for a win put three tries of their own on the board from Michael Killin, Frano van der Merwe and Herbie Kruger. Peter Hynes and Ezra Taylor ran in the last two Reds tries/ Brumbies annihilated Cheetahs 61-15 in Canberra. Stephen Hoiles, Patrick Phibbs, Tyrone Smith, Rocky Elsom, Ben Alexander x2, Adam Ashley-Cooper, Matt Toomua and Alfie Mafi all contributed with tries/ Crusaders just nudged out Tah’s 20-13 with five boots from DC and a late try from Kahu Fatuali’i. Tah’s dominated up until the 77^th minute with Phil Waugh once again showing why he is one of the best defensive wing forwards in the game. A team with him and Neil Back would have been something to see. Tah’s may have been robbed by an intercept from Halangahu, who was judged to have been offside, but as they say the whistle has now blown and the jury’s gone home.

fool says:

Force away to the Blues this week – come on, really? Three is the magic number though and when your colour comes in, stay with it is the casino motto. Yet fool, taught to lead with his head and not his heart is a master of non-conformatism, so it’s Force by 7! (That’s a 7 with an apostrophe not 71)

Some shorts:

*SANZAR cannot commit to a northern/southern hemisphere comp at the end of 2012. They like the concept but bad timing deals a sour card. Come on SANZAR, it’s a two year warning!

*B.O’D’s pondering on the rumours that he’s heading to Stade Francais after the World Cup. Leinster boss Michael Cheika’s going so speculation put 2 and 2 together and came up with pink.

*Ex Wallaby and Warratah Peter Hewatt on the other hand is leaving London Irish to go to Japan. In his three seasons with the Exiles he amassed 75 games, 21 tries and 428 points said, “I will always be proud to say that I have played for the Exiles.” He is going to play in Japan because he’s always wanted to – get it, got it, good. Jim Staples is not going to Japan.

*Cheika is trying to keep Gasnier at Stade Francais after he has been linked with Rod McQueen’s Rebels. Stephen Hoiles is also on the cards, as too is Greg Somerville from Gloucester and All Black fame.

The Cip, who’s already on board is to play against England for the Baa Baa’s on 30^th May. Also in the black n white hooped outfit are Paul Sackey, Jerry Collins, Carl Hayman, Doug Howlett, Alan Quinlan and Paul Warwick. The following week they play Ireland. Fergus Slattery is unavailable

*The Premier Rugby and RFU and English Rugby Players Association have got their collective minds together and come up with an idea the Australian Football League came up with years ago; Illicit Drug Policy in world Rugby, which basically comes in a three tier warning system; strike one and the matter will be dealt with under the carpet and a fine. Strike two comes with a fine and suspension and three hits get you a sleep over in the big house.

Cocaine, cannabis, ecstasy and speed have all been targeted but meow’s verdict is still out there.

Some competitions now: If you’d like to take part in fool’s rugby comps check out the comps & results page –win a prize!

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Also - See THE NEW extra RUGBY BIT’s new column for: ‘Gezza Strip’

end rugby here!

Chili’s

Bar & Restaurant

Superb home style Thai food with a bonus of bacon and bangers see www.chili-restaurant-phuket.com for more

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

A willow the wisp of cricket now:

A thribble

under your hat

You can keep your briefs round your midriff but your noddle’s gotta be kept under your hat. Be in the know, you’ve been told - here’s your essentials from this week;

Aussie David Saker got the nod as England’s fast bowling coach. Do you remember the host of names fool has been touting over the last couple of weeks? Well, forget them because the dark horse from Victoria’s obviously been keeping it under his proverbial for weeks.

This was David’s pitch in the dragon’s den, “I believe I can offer the English bowlers a great deal and oversee their development at the highest level.” – And apparently that swung ‘em, and so did he.

Warney knows the Sak well and played with him at Victoria for years. He describes him as a passionate, very good player who understands bowling very well.

As for his fashion status alongside Broad and co he said, “He’ll be excellent for the English dressing room. He can be a little in your face at times and pretty aggressive, but he’s absolutely spot on.”

Broad instantly had another fit; “White again, always its bloody white, why do we always have to wear white?” – David, “Shut your pie-hole mate and get it on, yer pommie poofter or piss off.”

Meanwhile in the IPL bottom team Kings Punjab XI beat top of the ladder Mumbai Indians to keep their dreams alive at reaching the last eight.

A six wicket win and top knocks by Sangakara with 56 off 42, Adrian Barath 33 off 27 and Mahala Jayewardene’s 31 off 18 easily chewed up the 154 required tally.

Balancing the books in Australia with fool’s best tenuous link to date are the high earners in the shape of; The Punts, Michael Clarke and wait for it…Shane Watson. Shane was left to wander in the shadow of success season after season till he made his mark when he took over from Mitchell Johnson’s debacle at Edgbaston in the last Ashes. He’s done alright since eh!

(Tally…books… yeah, it’s been a long day)

Pakistan’s Nasir Jamshed, which is probably one of the best names in cricket, hasn’t done so well but could have if he wasn’t caught cheating in his school exams. You can get arrested for that, and he did.

Police are also questioning Danish Kaneira who has been accused of match fixing at Essex. England’s Twenty/20 league is broadcast in India where betting is rife and legal, however, deliberate no balls and wides aren’t.

Kaneria, who took 258 wickets in 58 Tests and 21 year old Mervyn Westfield are under scrutiny for tampering with their ability in certain overs, with Danish sending a sizzling 15 balls off target and Merv the swerve, 2 no balls and 4 wides in one over. They were thought to have been grassed up by a colleague, which is a shameful offence in Essex, unless you want to end up feeding the fishes off Southend Pier.

Fact: David Essex is not from Essex.

Ireland beat Jamaica by seven wickets at the Jamaican Cricket Festival Twenty/20 tournament in their warm up for the World comp in the Windies starting 30^th April.

Paul Stirling graded 18, Gary Wilson 15 and Captain William Porterfield 14 as they closed on 120 for 9. Porterfield declared after, “Our batting may not be up to scratch but at least we showed we can field.” – We’ve known that for 200 hundred years.

The Windies went on to beat Ireland and Canada and will now play Canada in a one off ODI, whilst Vietnam’s ECCS kick off their first game of their world tour to Phuket on Friday 23^rd April – more of that next week.

Lastly Freddie’s dream of freelancing is all dependant on a knee that works. Lording it up in Dubai, Freddie is aiming to be back playing for Lancashire by July and has all the intentions of squeezing himself back in the English circuit.

However, selector Geoff Miller found pomposity the order of the day for dealing with any brashness stating Fred cannot ‘buy into the team’s ethos’.

Freddie firmly jammed two fingers up at the hierarchy wielding old fart and burped, “All I know is the ethos of the England team is to try your best when you take to the field and that’s what I’ll do when I’m back playing.”

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re still there: Matt Prior, Stuart Broad, Graham Onions, Graeme Swann and Michael Clarke all made into the Wisden bible. Virender Sehwag also carved his name as top Test batsman with over a run an ball last season.

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Other Sports:

In boxing:

‘av it

Audley Harrison splatted Michael Sprott in the 12^th round to take the European title with a powerful left hook. He then took fool’s advice and spoke only in the third person; “I know 100% Audley Harrison will be world champion.”

There is a queue however, and haye has plans for himself. The only way for Haye to unify the heavyweight division is by the Klitscko brothers bashing it up. Wladimir holds the WBO and IBF, whilst Vitali occupies the WBC.

Logic states those two should fight each other and the winner takes on the Hayemaker. But the boys mum has told them never to fight each other. Haye says they have to, be it in their back garden or Las Vegas’ front.

Money obstacles are forefront of the Ruskies thoughts. Last year’s bout was cancelled because David had a bad back, he was very much on the lesser purse, whereas now with reputation in David’s corner nothing but a 50/50 tag is expected or the bros are deluding themselves, so says Haye.

Haye’s given it to them on the end of a stick; “They keep bleating on about fighting me, but if they’re serious about unifying the world title there is a very quick way to get it done and dusted – box each other and the winner takes me on.” – My place – anytime.

Meanwhile 47 year-old Evander Holyfield beat the Terreblanche out of ‘Is-it’ Frans Botha for the eternally vacant WBF title in Las Vegas. After throwing the belt away because it’s worth tuppence, Evander described how he has visitations by a naked George Foreman and said, “I am going to be the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. George said, ‘It’s not about age.’”

In horses:

I’d just like to say

I’ve said enough

Tony McCoy won England’s Grand National on Don’t Push It at the last fence. This was Tony’s 15^th attempt who afterwards said, “I am lost for words.” - Which was a complete lie because he then said, “Until he passed the post I thought it would never happen.”

Jockeys, can you trust them? The debate rages on. Tony continued to talk, “It means everything to win it – it was a negative on a CV.”

Did Tony really mutter those emphatic words; we’ll be asking the studio’s very own tea lady who’s been with us for five and a half years now. Until then back to you in the studio fool.

World Cup news:

Thank you fool. World Cup news is that it is still on, despite China not being in it.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

This is jam hot

Tom Sedgewick and Ravi Mistry both 19 rattled off 96 ‘joke’ letters to prime ministers and presidents around the world inviting them onto their radio show. Three agreed.

The students at Hull University host a weekly chat show called Sundried Tomatoes and Ravioli attracts 10 listeners on Jam Radio. Latvia’s president Valdis Zotles flew them to his palace in Riga and proffered them five star treatment, which consisted of a Molotov cocktail and a gherkin.

Australia, Czech Republic, Finland, Lebanon and Liechtenstein all rejected their offer, whilst every other country ignored them completely. The Dominican in the Caribbean said they would be honoured to share a Red Stripe and green one; in fact their president Nicholas Liverpool was very concerned with global warming, whilst Slovenia’s Dania Turk discussed World Cup football and Chernobyl by Skype…until it melted.

fool has since sent 96 letters to Digger to appear on his radio show and has so far only met mild resistance. Wait till he hears about the gherkins.

Hung out to dry

Kris Iris 31, a sports lecturer at Staffordshire University, fell asleep on a flight to Vancouver where he went unnoticed till a mechanic found him in the hangar one and half hours later.

He was still on the plane in the hangar, in Vancouver but it has not been established if he had a hangover. Kris says he wasn’t drunk, and to prove it he pretended to be all grown up and declared he would write a letter of complaint as to why he wasn’t found.

Air Canadian Dry shocked at the incident, said, “Hey dude, like argh, cha, this kind of thing has never happened before. Hey, you gonna eat that?”

They offered him 20% off his next flight, free drinks mixers for any Air Canadian Dry flight and a free course available on personalresponsibilitythepowerofyou.com

Suited and boosted

A new robotic suit invented by Japanese boffs has gone on sale to help the farmers. Not the sales, but the suit.

The exoskeleton, designed by Shiyeki Toyama at Tokyo’s Agriculture and Technology University, has eight electronic motors and senses movement to boost arms and legs, plus supports areas of strain, such as the back, “i.e. when picking a radish from the ground the lower back will be supported.” said Shiyeki who knows his raddishes.

The idea’s been used in hospitals for the past 15 years when moving fat bastards, but fool tells you he would have given $6m to use it during his stint of strawberry picking in Denmark in 1986.

Has anyone got any pickles?

Samoa’s first ever bank job occurred this week. Four gunmen raided a bank in Vaitele and relieved them of their cash from the ATM and teller. Police arrived an hour later.

...and all her regime

Malcolm McLaren died this week; the man wildly credited with inventing Punk, Buffalo wings and a Formula 1 team was probably best remembered for speaking Double Dutch.

Billed, ‘an absolute icon’ by music writer Jon Savage, he described the cultural guru as, “One of the rare individuals who had a huge input on the culture and social life of this nation (UK).”

In 1977 when his piste de resistance the Sex Pistols released God Save the Queen in her jubilee year my dad’s mate painted his van red, white and blue top to bottom. Argh, those were the days; when asbestos was in your handkerchiefs, yet snot was still green.

Johnny Rotten remembers Malcolm with fondness, “For me, Malc was always entertaining, and I hope you remember that. Above all else he was an entertainer. I’ll miss him and so should you.” – I do, and for that reason we’ll save the 3^rd battalions, The Rifles dedication from this week till next and offer this week’s fool’s to Malcolm, who reminded us, “It’s better to be a flamboyant failure than a benign success.’

success

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘managing several bands, Malcolm McLaren’s Adam and the Ants trio who left to form part of Bow Wow Wow were the best he tipped his titfer to. ‘where snakes in the grass are absolutely free.’”

On the other hand Red Hot Chilli’s guitarist John Fruisciante has been voted greatest guitarist from the past 30 years by BBC radio6 fans, which are roughly 29,990 more than Sundried Tomatoes and Ravioli’s audience and nearly as muh as fool’s.

A bunch of others came 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th right up to ten and beyond, but it was Shaun Kearney’s breakfast show host Steve Lamarcq’s quip that best summed things up when he said, “His range from minimalist melody lines, through choppy Hendrixian chord voicings, all the way up to 11 with wailing metal tinged blues, gives him the edge over many in the list. For that I salute him.”

Cool huh – bet you think I’m gonna play some – stuff that, here’s Buffalo girls by Malc:

Most famous people from Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: ADMINISPHERE; The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.

‘Arse’

A sculpture of a naked woman lying down in the woods of Blagdon Estate, Northumberland is 1,312 ft long and will take 1.5 million tons of earth and clay to mould.

Landscape architect Charles Jeck’s said, “People will grow to love her.” As he etched a smug self appreciation grin at the camera the grip boy dropped the mic on his head and the scale model stretched out behind him was heard to say ‘wanker’.

Maximmidiano Pereyra and Ariel Diaz are two robbers on the run from an Argentinean jail. They have so far eluded the police by stealing a couple of fleeces from farmer’s barns and been hanging out amongst a flock of thousands making it nigh on impossible for police to spot them.

Locals said they have seen them running through fields at night and the police insist they are closing in. A spokesman from the local ACME police force said, “They can’t pull the wool over our eyes forever.” – As ‘tosser’ was heard to emit from a nearby woolly mound.

Cup of tea and slice of cake?

Dr. Who’s regeneration sequence is said to have stemmed from a bad acid trip. The BBC memo leaked during a truth and reconcile group bonding ecstasy beano regards the original transformation of William Hartnell to Patrick Troughton in 1966 as, “The metaphysical change is a horrifying experience – an experience in which he relives some of the most unendurable moments of his long life including the galactic war.” – And we all remember how bad that was.

The memo continues, “it is as if he has had the LSD drug and instead of experiencing the kicks, he has the hell and dark horror, which can be its effect.’

Exactly, when John Pertwee turned into Worzel Gummidge I couldn’t sleep for weeks.

Don’t mess with my tutu

Whilst Joseph Squire 66 waits sentencing for rogering a horse and a donkey in Leicestershire, Cambridge University is actively promoting women to gyrate around a pole in their infamous Blue Room for £2 a pop.

A spokesman from the Pole dancing club said, “If an intelligent, independent woman wants to learn a particular form of dance in respectable surroundings, we see nothing degrading in it.”

Churchill, Roosevelt and Archbishop Desmond Tutu all gave speeches in the Blue Room and I’m sure they’d all agree.

Meanwhile some of the fat kids in Liverpool could do with getting down there, but alas, they are no longer fat, nor are they obese, but are now to be labelled as ‘unhealthy’ according to the 1984 Truth Commission.

Luckily ‘team reality’ from the Child Growth Foundation has sanity on their side and pointed out, “If you are obese, you are obese. If you start using the phrase ‘unhealthy weight’ you are just fudging the problem.” – Fudge, someone say fudge… gimme, gimme, gimme…

I can see clearly now

Up for auction this week is Marilyn Monroe’s stuff. Including an x-ray of her bust worth $1,200, a green velvet upholstered chair she used for her last shoot with Life magazine at $2,400 – surely it can’t be the last shoot. An x-ray of her bust. Some wooden skis with her initials BB! @ $800. An x-ray of her bust. An unopened Channel No.5 perfume bottle at $1,200, a 32 page prompt book of ‘Something’s Got To Give’ with personal notes and directions @ $8k. And an x-ray of her bust.

If you’re thinking what’s the point of an x-ray of her bust then think again because Lisa Murphy has made a porn book for the blind called Tactile Minds.

But at £150 you might just want to get your kicks by ballooning across the English Channel held up by 57 oversized party balloons like American Jonathan Trappe.

Jonathan will cruise at 7000ft and burst the odd balloon to descend over the world’s busiest shipping lane. In 1940 it was even busier with up 300,000 boats getting the fool’s Granddad and the British Expeditionary Force back to Blighty. Happy days.

That’s all for this week – here’s the next bit:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

And now this:

Play of the Day by Jimmy Hill

It is Him

The scene: Jimi and fool are walking back from the supermarket whistling Dixie. Suddenly they are attacked by a water pistol wielding gang of mice. Dig! Jimi used to play cards with the metaphorical cats before finding sanctuary in fool’s garden and claims those halcyon days of cheese and gin rummy are over. Sheltering from under a dustbin lid of fire Jimi mediates:

Jimi: Alright, now dig this baby, you don’t care for me, I don’t care about that, gotta new fool, I’d like to laugh at, I have only one burning desire…

Narrator: Is Jimi wilting? Are the mice blind to his desires? And is Ace low when picture shows? Whilst we work it out; here’s the quiz:

1. Who invented Gin Rummy?

2. What was the original family business of Shell Oil developer Marcus Samuel?

3. What id sorghum?

4. From what is the writing material true vellum made?

5. What is a bowyang?

6. How is the third battle of Ypres in WWI also known?

7. What was the Beatles first No.1 in America?

8. What is the basic ingredient in hummus? A) Anchovies B) Chickpeas C) Aubergine

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at… in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Rod Stewart – NO. Bram Stoker – NO. Paul Simon – NO. Dame Ednar – NO. Recap - YES, “I sang a song about that mariner looking for water.” – and we all know I completely forgot who ‘I’ was meant to be there, so let’s start a new one eh! “I was the best Dracula’s keeper.” And No.2, “I didn’t have to roll up my trouser leg to get the part.” As the stumping continues will progress to round three, “Such a cunning fox, I was in fact a rat.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 16 bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1, (1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Seagoon: To try to draw her attention, I set fire to myself. It moved her. She fried an egg on me.

The Goon Show

*Non-descript trivia moment*

FIREWORK CATEGORIES

Category 2 Garden fireworks. For small displays; a minimum of 5 metres clearance for spectators

fool’s Gold

As part of his fee for appearing in Terminator 2, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was given a Gulf Stream GIII jet aircraft

Two dogs were among the Titanic survivors

When asked what he thought of Western civilisation, Mahatma Gandhi replies, “I think it would be a good idea.”

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one

every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their restaurants in Saigon, Vietnam

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have this from the Doc…

This week's word is BREVIROSTRATE.

It means having a short nose. Given that Westerners are known as "long noses" in certain parts of Asia, the suggestion is that Westerners are generally not brevirostrate... certainly judging by the Fool's caricature, he is definitely not brevirostrate.

Letters:

This week’s letter is R…R

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Bony fish – when I say that I obviously mean any type of food that is mildly annoying, not that I find food annoying, apart from butterbeans, but food that is not readily attackable.

As soon as scran hits the table it should be open to a full face frontal. Tools are not always necessary, but then perhaps Mrs Etiquette across the way has her beady eyes on your conscious and you may be inclined to pick up a fork ‘n spoon.

Having no knives, anywhere in Nam, you tend to eat like a Yank, imagine my surprise when dealt with the culinary delight of a double serving of cutlery in Phuket and for the first time in ten years have been able to point a blunt butter knife at someone mid mouthful and sentence and gesticulate the finer points of dignified dining.

Yet its necessity to dissecting grub, as opposed to cutting up sausages, though a pronged tool stab in the middle should be sufficient to snag this beast, the dissecting procedure attached to fish should not be necessary, as we have the wonderful boil in a bag. But no, it’s hacked up fish all the way and chicken come to that, which pertains to all and sundry in south East Asian quarters. All this is simply bred to feed only an aggravated anxious sweat for the half-a-bloody-hour’s scraping and digging it takes for slither of ruddy chicken liver the size of an ant’s molar.

When I first saw an older family member who lived on site of a school in Saigon, he hacked open a live tortoise with a machete, peeled it out of its house and whacked the exposed head with a hammer in order to stun it so the bastard wouldn’t know which direction to run away, then hacked off the legs for a similar purpose.

He continued to smash and chop away mercilessly without a care in the world for any portion of a decent sized piece of tortoise meat and I surmised there and then what a waste of the tortoise’s finest cuts.

There should be a market and indeed a culinary school of how to crack open a tortoise When I order it I’d like the best bits then I suddenly realised I don’t eat tortoise, I’m a foolian and we only eat rare turtles and parakeets. Bony fish - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Fat, happy, jolly women chefs with the droopy chef’s hats, which are a cross between a train driver’s cap, because they have that little peak (detail is terribly important) and the mandatory chef’s tall hat, which droops and doubles as hair keeper carrying the authorisation symbol for such a skilled and proficient face. Preferably Thai or Samoan – Sweet Love

Neither Thai nor Samoan or even the right hat

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; says he’ll be back next week

*Trigger: catching his brother soon

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Snoop Dig

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Randall, Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Some more letters from Viz…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Comps and results

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…and a two, and a two, and a two…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity