productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: Keef Richards has checked himself into a health farm in the middle of Norwich. Except he lands up at Farmer Giles' poultry farm where all the fattening Christmas birds have come down with the flu.

fool is standing in the cow's field with his trousers down.

Farmer Giles: Ooh, me grapes, (He mumbles to himself, as Keef approaches through the muddied misty morning looking none to whacked than normal) Can I help you? (Asks Giles inquisitively)

Keef: Cold turkey mate.

Farmer Giles: as a matter o'fact yeas.

Together: Ta da (they both mime to the camera.)

fool; That's cow shit that is. (fool shouts from a distance)

Narrator: Don't labour the point fool, come on, let's do the quiz;

1. What kind of game bird always has a sporting chance?

2. Royal Sovereign is a type of which soft fruit?

3. What is a peregrine?

4. The song Tomorrow comes from which musical?

5. Which actor links Play Misty For Me and Pale Rider?

6. In legend who or what was Excalibur?

7. What is the layer around the earth called?

8. If you were suffering from nephritis, which of your organs would be inflamed? A) Liver B) Kidney C) Heart

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - They're there this week - I bet ya.

 WHO AM I? I tell you what, cold beans aint hot, but apart from that the WAI? Is raging on a fierce battleground out there, and let the fool rest you assured that no prisoners want to be taken alive. The Legal Eagle has stretched his lead by two over Dracule, with an early call to last weeks clue, which was of course the rabbit, and not the Mad March Hare from Alice's Wonderland - oh hang on, the Eagle phoned in first, but he did say it was the Hare, didn't he, and not as the Drac texted in a couple of minutes later with the correct answer - the rabbit, which of course is technically correct (Just said that), which in turn makes him only one point behind of the pre-said two - no wonder the rabbit punches were flying - comprende? So there's your competition folks, if you want to get the worm, you'd better get up before you go to bed. Here's this week's clue, "Play the game, play the game, come on, play the game..." - Think mad! - Gotta know your films.

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Olympic Swimming Pool Specifications:

Length...50m

Width...25m

Number of lanes...8

Lane width...2.5m

Water temperature...25° - 28°C

Light intensity...>1500 lux

fool's gold;

Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non coffee drinkers.

Barbie's measurements, if she were life size would be 39-23-33. Phoarr

It's estimated that any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk. I'll drink to that.

And now those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and caipirovska on a Wednesday. Oh, and let Curtis King rock you. - Thursday is... *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh November - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - dude, those burgers are the go - best I've evr had, meaty and a little spice - superb.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger , like the fool, has been a little under the pump lately but promises he'll try to send something of the goings on in the world of AFL to keep his hordes of fans fixed this week!

*Trigger by contrast is pumping out winning formula's left, right and bleeding well centre. Tune in and cash out.

*Tit-bits - some crackers last week - see what's in store for this week (In other words I'm not sure yet). *Grub-Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips - so till quieter times when fool has the space and time - eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile *Fishman - that's it mate, I'm sending Bongo's manager down to get the gen. And *Bongo Massif Bro's - The rock fest is cometh-ing and you's is not here yet!

Mr. Meaner...You're only making it worse for yourself...what'd'you say? Right, that's it...

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

Some stuff happened this week, which was all in the papers, but because fool does a weekly round-up, he'll share some of the splatterings that caught his eye - thus;

It is no secret that the Heineken Cup is huge these days and already this year's it's set to be even bigger...yeah, you got me, no, yeah, yeah, no even bigger than that...bigger God damn it.

Last week's first matches saw a record attendance all over Europe and with the Southern Hemisphere stars arriving in their hordes there's just no stopping the show now.

But don't get yourself too bogged down in thinking that the influx of Super 14' eeners and South American Corned beef'ers are moulding themselves into an English football Premiership arena, because their not.

premier babe

They're coming for sure, but no fear, for the love is being well and truly shared, i.e. The Leicester's, Ospreys',  Stade de Francais', Trevisio's, Munster's and Edinburgh's et all are still majoritarily of the home grown breed.

And as reiterated time after time in fool's column, the H.C. caters for all aspects of the  oval shaped pig bladdered game, i.e. set pieces, running, and kicking and not just some extended version of touch; hence (A much out dated word), the H.C. has it all in rugby terms.

Rant over.

Back to the action; and Wasps won a thriller over Munster 24-23 with a great comeback from 23-10 at half time, which set Dally thinking ahead, "You can bet a bundle our return in Ireland will be just as razor edged." - Cock fighting was banned in England in about 1830-odd as the fool recalls.

Point of interest: Dally went to school in Yorkshire, which boasted no less than 27 rugby pitches - not the whole of Yorkshire, but just his school, but then there's no need to boast is there, I mean it's in bloody Yorkshire -'I like what I say and I say what I like.'

Meanwhile over in Brive, which is a very cheesy part of France, Steve Thompson made a miraculous comeback to rugby, to; No.1 play in the first bloody place, after retiring from a neck and shoulder injury last season, and No.2 playing for a whole hour instead of his allotted 10 minutes. - Can't remember who they played or if they won but it would be good to see him back in international rugby...wouldn't it?

Some good games to watch this weekend would be Gloucester v Ospreys - where (Ospreys) Marty Holah, ex Waikato and All Black plies his trade these days after going there initially only for a couple of months and has now signed a two year contract - along with every other '49er'.

By the way, fellow countryman Warren Gatland did get the Welsh job and Marty says, so astutely of him, "I think he has a lot to offer Wales.' - Well said Marty, I couldn't have put it better.

Back to the games to watch: Munster v Clermont Auvergne, with a good head to head hooker clash between Irishman Jerry Flannery and Bok-head World Cup winning Captain John Smit. - Go the Mick

From a coaches point of view, Edinburgh's, ex-England coach Andy Robinson's side  take on Leicester's coach and ex- Argie boss Marcelo Loffreda this weekend. - It's all ex's these days, can't everyone just stay together?

The last time they met was when Marcelo was jumping up and down at Twickenham as Argentina nabbed an intercept to race away for their first ever win over England.

Andy Robinson has never forgotten the shit he got as England's coach. It was as if he was never the coach in their 2003 World Cup side! And that's what grates him most, as he says, "One of the things that upset me more than anything was the way I was routinely portrayed as a bad coach." - Just a bad manager.

Which incidentally does belong in the English Premiership arena of managers and coaches;  to which all sense and purposes Clive may have fashioned.

Let's rock on to the great Argentinian debate - a tale of, 'nobody likes us, nobody wants us, why don't we just go and eat worms'.

They want to join the Six Nations, because of its knockout system, and as Hugo 'legend' Porta simplifies it, as all their players currently play in Europe.

A move which current legend Felipe Contemponi refutes, saying they should go to the Tri Nations or their home country will never get out of its amateur status and all players will just stay in or go to Europe, saying, "We're at risk of being too reliant on European Clubs signing our emerging players." - That's right Felipe - a quick fix is just wall papering the cracks.

The RFU management board just had a meeting and chairman Martyn Thomas explained their feelings so far, "The unanimous view was that a berth had to be found for Argentina in a major tournament." - Re-born.

"The feeling was that, they would be better off in the Tri Nations. They are a Southern Hemisphere team and increasing the size of the Six Nations could lead to fixture problems." - Given the fact the Tri Nations haven't even entertained allowing the Specific Nations in, let alone even bloody touring their islands, I can't see them letting an even better opposition any time too soon.

thats more like it

Ok, fool hasn't called the Murdering Bastards from Murdering Bastard land Murdering Bastards for a while, so here's story about how the Murdering Bastards are making up excuses of ex (That word again) amount of injuries in their camp, just in case they get unstuck against Wales on the 24^th...but I've lost the story, but I think you get the gist - all their World Cup stars are either getting a manicure or are playing for their European clubs.

What the fool does know is that Spain's 40x's capped hooker Diego Zarzosa from the El Salvador Club of Valladolid has been picked to play for the Baa Baa's against the Boks on that very special day of the 1^st December. - Go Diego.

 John Smit's best ever curly haired XV - : no time to change this week so it's better than being blank...isn't it/ Argh the fool's indecision is final.

• 15. Otto from The Simpson's 14. Diana Ross 13. the Gollywog from Robinson's Jam (Not Jason) 12. Bob Dylan 11. Leo Sayer 10. Jimi Hendrix 9. Harpo Marx 8. Magnum 7. Robert Plant 6. Roger Daltry 5. Elliot Gould 4. Donald Sutherland 3. Brian Blessed 2. Shirley Temple - she always had 56 curls in her hair! 1. The neighbour from That 70's Show

Other results:

Campeonato Sudaericamo de Rugby B

Brazil 43-3 Colombia - Brazil are the champions.

European Nations Cup

The Georgia v Portugal game was postponed because of a state of emergency in Georgia - what? They ran out of players because they all play in France - bloody Kossacks.

Ireland's AIL - level 1

Gary 'on his' owen 19 - 18 'A' Dolphin

Italy Seria A - V1 giometa

Easy Living L'Aquila 57 - 3 Admo Leonessa Brescia

Spain Division de Honor B 4 jornado group 2

CAU Valencia 22 - 12 Univeridad de Granada

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Suddenly the world is in the land of Test cricket - what happened to ODI's, World Cups and murders in the game - more of that later.

Australia posted their 13^th Test win on the trot by an innings and 40 runs over a very tamed tiger in the shape of Sri Lanka.

A couple of the new boys were handy with the ball, notably Mitchell who snagged 4-96, but it was the coming of age, 8 wicket haul of Brett Lee who made his mark, as the Punts recalls, "We've got a great record here in Brisbane these days and a great feel around around this Test match." - It's always good to have a great feel.

He goes on...and on, "I'm really proud of Jacques and Mitchell and Stuart. And of course Brett's bowling right through the game was first class and got us across the line with a great win." - Is he getting his sports mixed up?

Yet, with all the accolades on the Aussie new boys the focus is still well and truly on Muttiah and Warney's being coy with his thoughts, but says this; "He should be tested under match conditions." - Would be a start.

"I'm sure he's sick of it all, but it would be well worth the exercise and hassle. I think for his own piece of mind and everyone in world cricket, do the testing in the heat of battle - a Test match; Surely the ICC Sri Lanka and Murali's defence would want that." - Can't help but picture Steve 'sensationalist' Irwin when Warney pops up.

i'm nuts

On the other hand Michael Slater is cock sure; "In Australia there is an almost universal belief Muralitharan is a chucker. But if they were to see this footage, they would be amazed. When people see the video, they say, 'I've changed my mind, he's not a chucker.'" - Well there you go, there's your proof! - What's he on about?

New Zealand's Black Caps on the other foot had a shocker and could have done with a chucker, although Shane Bond's and Chris Martin's bowling wasn't bad. - It was their their top order batsmen that were shite, and ultimately led them down the 358 run defeat to the Murdering Bastards at the Wanderers ground.

Caps new skip Daniel Vettori, who wears glasses, reflected (Through his glasses) on his first match in charge, "It's not a good start. I thought we began quite well, but after we posted only 110 in the first innings we were always up against it against a strong South African side." - Sorry, I'll read that again, '...a strong Murdering Bastard side.'

Is it time for the Bob news now?...No, later...Ok.

England meanwhile are preparing for their first Test v Sri Lanka on that very special day of 1^st December and new boy Phil Mustard by all accounts has got the mustard, especially after Warney labelled him as, 'the nearest thing to Adam Gilchrist.' - What, pixies ears and a funny voice?

she cuts the mustard

Phil's just happy to be in the squad though and says, "I play it how I think it should be played. I'm my own person." - And so you should be, now shut the fuck up and get in line like everyone else.

And what's this? Harmy may be back for this Test? Peter Moores has been watching his progress in the South African field, where's he's been getting a few games under his belt and explains, "Harmy needs to be bowling fit - not just physically fit (Remember, he's mental). He needs to find his rhythm so it makes sense for him to have some cricket. Selection for the first Test will be tight." - Like it Moores, don't give to much away.

Ok, Bob time; and Pakistan's fitness coach Murry Stevenson (Doesn't sound very Pakistani) has told the inquest that Bob was going to retire after the World Cup - effectively he did!

Murry said, "He told me he had two bottle of champagne in his room at the hotel and we would drink it on Wednesday when the team played Zimbabwe, because it would be his last game in international cricket." - Then the bastard drank them both himself eh!

Till next week...

Other sports:

Ronnie O'Sullivan is from Northern Ireland and in the recent Northern Ireland snooker championship he got a record five century breaks with one being a 147. He beat Ali Carter 5-2, and said, I got lucky because Ali missed a lot of balls. I'm playing rubbish in Practise." - Good job the tournament's was in Northern Ireland then.!

The Schu got the fastest lap time in Barcelona this week - eh, what, is he back? - No, he was just giving a bit of technical feedback for Ferrai.- Technically saying, 'look at me, I'm a smart arse German, I am still the best.'

a racing bum

Whilst the Ham is staying at McLaren...forever. Kids eh, they all say say that. But he means it he said, "I don't know how long I'll be in F1 but the team I'm with now is the only team I want to be with." - 'You're gonna be my best friend forever and ever.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

In Britain the second most popular physical activity is sex, according to a survey by Votarol Pain - eze Emalgel. Walking tops it on 88% with sex on 82% and kissing on 72%. Phil Hodsen from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy says, "We're not so automatically flirtatious as other nationalities but the results show that, once you break the ice, we Brits have a lot of passion underneath and are capable of letting go." - Oh be-have.

an apple a day...

In any given day to day conversation Arnie's line from The Terminator, 'I'll be back' is the most repeated followed by, and see if you can guess who said them, 2. 'frankly my dear I don't give a damn.' 3. 'Beam me up Scotty' - yes, we know, it was never actually said. 4. 'May the force be with you.' 5. 'Life is like a box of chocolates.' 6. You talking to me?' 7. 'Show me the money.' 8. 'Do you feel lucky, punk?' 9. Here's looking at you kid.' 10. 'Nobody puts baby in a corner.'

here's looking at you kid

Back to Britain, and the John Masefield pub in Wirral Merseyside has had complaints about it's sign, of the late poet Laureate - John Masefield, suggesting he looks too much like Hitler. Publican Sean Walsh 55 neglected the notion to take it down and said, "Masefield is a local hero and that is what he looked like so the sign is going to stay." -  The likeness is dated circa 1930 and Sean goes on to defend the pub's Reich, "Decades later we shouldn't persecute talented people simply because of the cut of their moustache." - Of course there were hundreds of other pictures where John doesn't look like the 20^th century's biggest murderer!

A thief in Fort Lauderdale, Florida USA was eaten by an alligator this week. Serves him right - he was breaking into peoples cars in a casino car park and when caught made a run for it diving into a near by pond, where the huge gator chomped him up and dragged him away. He was later found with horrific head injuries - horrific enough to have killed him. I don't know about you but I always think of Fort Lauderdale as an outpost manned by the 7^th US Cavalry under constant attack by Injuns!

not injuns

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XI: After the Stones had used Hell's Angels as security at a number of gigs, which by all accounts were just a free ticket to rape, rumble and rob the whole affairs dry, they finally came unstuck at Altamont in 1969, where they actually murdered someone - the Angels not the Stones. Rock Scully, the manager of Grateful Dead, who were gigging at the bash described the quiet, retiring moped pushing rockers, "These guys are red-and-white, real-time, Death's Head Angels. They went to Korea! Vietnam! They're fuckin' killers!" - I'm not totally sure what he means, but...woah.

Britain's oldest boss is Phyliss Self (On her own) and she's 100. She owns and runs a garden centre in Chippenham, Wiltshire - it's no back garden, there's a staff of 200. She works 48 hours a week putting in 6 days a week, and drives herSelf there. Her secret; "When people ask me how I got to be 100 I say the secret is just being busy all the time, meeting people and dealing with people, that's what I love." - Really, who asked you? Then when her staff and family put on a big do for her she turned around and said, "So much is happening, I don't see what all the fuss is about." - That's because you're a daft old bat. I mean, who put you in charge? Really!

old people!

Keeping with the olds and Peggy Clarke and James 'the Maltese Falcon' Mason 93 are getting married next week, making them the oldest wedded couple in Blighty with a combined age of 177. James popped the question after only three days of meeting her and said, "She was after my body and I was after her money, so it's perfect. It's never too old to fall in love." - Or out of it.

just popping out

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.16: A man walks into the psychiatrists wearing only Cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." - It was old when he first told it in '67, which incidentally was a lovely year.

Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat; Fortnum and Mason - a very well to do shop in the UK is offering up Christmas hampers for £20k. It'll be their Tercenturian hamper marking 300 years. If you live within or near the M25 they'll deliver it by horse and cart. Their web site describes it as, 'For one year only, we've pushed the galleon out.' 'This is no tuneless hymn to opulence, no gormless glut of gilded lillies. Everything is a depth of merit.' - What ever that ,means. Inside there'll be, amongst the usual; some Beluga Caviar, enough foie gras for 25 people, a giant bottle of château d'Yquen, château Latour and château Margaux, plus two pairs of cashmere socks, one pink and one grey.- Lovely, put me down for two.

Ok, lastly, a mother ordered her 16 year-old son a surprise Gorilla-a-gram to ... Gorilla-a-gram him at school, in his class. All jolly good until a stripper arrived dressed in a policewoman's outfit. The teacher filmed it on his phone and all went swimmingly even when she put a dog collar on him and spanked him 16 times. Only when she stripped to her undies and invited the boy to cover her in cream did the teacher step in. One lad said, "The boy ran out. Everyone is in a state of shock.' - One day it would have been every boys dream.

police eh!

Tally-ho

just cf it

cf