That was the week weren't it:

The scene: fool is the grip-boy on a new telly ad for perfume, where two young lovers seduce each other in the park, as autumnal leaves swirl in unison with their passion whilst the two love birds float lucidly blind in their dance of love around an old oak tree. The actor reaches out and yanks her arm, pulling her back into his embrace, cradling her from behind, smothering her neck with passionate kisses, her thin caramel coloured cotton top un-buttons in love's limp struggle, exposing, just slightly, the upper-cup-most of her beautifully rounded yet petit left breast, as she wanes the useless struggle and succumbs to his manly embrace. fool is up the tree with the fury mike.

Woman: I hate you

Man: I love you

Woman: I love you

Man: I hate you

Man: I love you

Woman: I hate you...I...lo...

Narrator: Passion... for him... and her

Narrator: As the grip-boy's forlorn enquisitiveness deepens he loses concentration and the microphone lowers into shot and teeters just above the actors heads. The young things squeal, and mistake it for a rat. The gay actor flees, the actress screams uncontrollably, fool falls out of the tree. The advert is ruined, fool the grip-boy is dismissed and frog marched from the set. The grip-boy's life is over, over as a grip-boy. He wanders through life facing dejection at every studio corner and finally by chance turns to albino dwarf donkey wrestling in Machkakala, a small town in east Georgia and goes by the name of ‘Ratso Gripper'. Just by chance the actress from ‘that' ad sees him perform, as she herself is partial to the odd albino dwarf donkey wrestling at times, and feels for the fallen grip-boy. She seduces him for her own in-ring means, but falls in love with him and vowels to get him back on track. She manages to get him a part in Midnight Cowboy as chief grip-boy, that is till Ratso/Rizzo thinks he's taking the piss...

fool: (Threw gritted teeth) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, beautiful Narrator beautiful, but I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week folks, tune in next week to see what happens to grip-boy and his new part in Ratso, Rizzla... Meanwhile, let's roll the quiz. (Off camera), ‘Just what the fuck do you think you're doing Narrator?

1. Which jam often found himself in a pickle over political ideals?

2. What colour hat is worn by Papa Smirf?

3. Which word collectively describes all the stars and planets?

4. What does the word piliferous mean?

5. Titian is what colour?

6. What can be solo boxing, a lush mineral or a round timber?

7. Which ship sent the first S.O.S?

8. Who actually said, ‘A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.'? A) James Cagney B) Alan Ladd C) John Wayne

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Lots of beef last week but no gravy, despite the uncannily symmetrical answers from both the Dracule fella and the Eagle. Have a look again: Here's that clue to the first Big Give-away in the Big Comp; clue No.1, "Wales is my home but words are my love."  - This week's all new Clue No.2: "He may not have been an author but my Arthur was a leader even though he wasn't head of the table, which was my idea by the way."

is it me?

Big prizes to be won in the next couple of weeks - check the *comps and results page for all the details.

Scores at the end of week 18 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And the Big Comp tally in sub, sub brackets, just to confuse ya.

For the self-righteous; ‘And lo yee smart-arsed protagonists here are the scores so far:

Dracule: 10 (1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 6 (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 2 (1) (1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: you'd love it not to be you, but it probably is!

Quote for the week:

‘My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.'

Spike Milligan

*Non-descript trivia moment*

The PLIMSOLL LINE

TF   Tropical Fresh Water

F   Fresh Water

T   Tropical Sea Water

S   Summer Sea Water

W   Winter Sea Water

WNA   Winter North Atlantic

fool's Gold

• Tony Blair is a distant cousin of the Queen

• An Australian couple called their children Kitchen, Bathroom, and Garage after the rooms they were conceived in

• The colour combination with the strongest visual impact is black and yellow

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

In the absence of Dr. Phil this week fool will attempt a slice of wordage - this one comes from da hood and is omelette - to use in a sentence: I should pop a cap in your ass for what you just did, but omelette dis one slide.

Things that are really getting up my nose, on my goat and in my wick this week:

Lying bastards - my stars said I'd get a shag this week - pah!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam - I think! - Some cracking live music of late folks too.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - Particularly like the new sand-pits dude.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:  What's that - got a bit of rabbit in this week...from Dr. Rabbit himself? See what else they have here:

Butchery & Delicatess

 41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street , District 1, Ho Chi Minh City .

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St )

Open from 8.30am-8.00pm

Tel:+848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Don't forget...There's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; was busy last week, but this week promises to give us all the news on the latest AFL entanglements

*Trigger:  lays it on the line, by a nose!

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... at this rate probably not till Sept, but who knows, the fool feels something brimming!

*Tit-bits - Dear Co.../...

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* -  Kim Hai Trading Co.,Ltd told the fool he's got some bunnies in, from the Dr. Rabbit himself, so I'm-a getting me one and are gonna cook me a recipe - tell me what ‘you' think of it...click on the*Grup-Up page on the menu on the left.

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May‘08' - new one out today folks, something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - yeah, yep, yep, that's it, just a little more to the left...

Mr. Meaner... gone greener round the gills!

Now;

The rugby bit for rugby folk, et all; if you're not keen please move on:

What did happen this week?

What's it got? It's got the lot. And here's some of it:

Super 14's

The Blues beat the Highlanders 40-15 at Carisbrook, and I'd like to say they, but more's to the truth it was Nick Evans who did it in style.

He ran the show in the first half, kicking three penalties and touched down for two tries - The first from a sneaky grubber collected by himself and the next from a sneaky grubber by himself which John Afoa collected then bumped off a few other guys before slipping back to Nick on the short side for a try.

The Highlanders came out running in the second but with only 20% of territory and possession weren't going far. Newby and Leota played their part for the fake Scotsmen, but two late tries by Tuitavake and Smith sealed it for the Blues.

The Bulls heave-ho'd the Brumbies 28-17 at the Loftus Versfeld in a convincing 3-2 try scoreline.

That's wins three in a row for the reigning champs and they did it with sheer hard graft in the tight. They made their tackles, secured their own ball then pumped it up in the air, down the opposition's back three's throats leaving Habana and Ndungane to chase and score from the mistakes.

Fourie Du Preez who instigated most of the high balls praised the likes of the big fellas who tackled and broke through the tackles all day such as Pierre Spies, Vikus Van Heerdan and Bakkies Botha then said, "We've always said, ‘first go through the wall then around it.'"

The Reds picked up a losing bonus point but will be kicking themselves that they went down to the Crusaders 28-21 - it was 21-8 with 16 to go, then Digby Ioane was sin binned and it was effectively all over!

Sure the Cruisers rested a few big guns, but the Reds pushed their luck through some masterful play by the likes of Quade Cooper (squeal piggy squeal) and Berrick Barnes add to that some great power running in the middle from Morgan Turiui, who's looking likely for a June Test spot, as too his mate in the powerhouse James Horwill.

The Reds were superb in the offload, mainly due to David Croft who is just everywhere, shame he's giving it all up at the end of the season. Also McCaw showed why his team are ‘x' points adrift, in front - he (McCaw), and a few timely replacements in Williams, Ellis and Carter duly sewed things up, even with, the said only, 11 minutes to go!

The Lions beat the Chiefs 33-27 in a total 15-man performance game of them and us. They were good, we were...no, hang on...!

Earl Rose kicked seven from seven, which summed up everything that went right for the Lions' penultimate furore. We waited for the Chiefs backline to kick in, but it didn't.

Heinke van der Mewe played a bullish role up front and after a long lay off, centre Jaque Fourie was up for it, helping skipper Cobus Grobbelaar to a deserved try on the break which pretty much sealed it 27-13 at half time for the Lions.

The comedy rugby display from the Chiefs continued, as Masaga sailed over the line for a well worked try only to be called back to see Ben May getting sent off for stamping on Joe van Nieberk's face, who said after, "I didn't see him there."

The Sharks made chewy work of it beating the Cheetahs 33-14 at Durban in total bag o' shite derby.

In amongst all that shite the Sharks had all the ball, all the set pieces and made all the forward passes, all the knock ons, all tries disallowed, all the off the ball shows and all the driving early in the scrums and in all that Jacque Botes got three tries.

The Cheetahs had pretty much given up before they stepped on the paddock, but they did score a cracker through an up field burst from Hennie Daniler, who crashed through the defence, fed Brussow, onto Juan Smith and finally onto Nokewe who scored in the corner. Sometime later the Sharks did the same, but went through no less than seven pairs of hands, then Terblanche dropped it, which summed up the game.

Lastly the Tahs and Stormers levelled their differences at 13-13 in a stormy Cape Town.

Peter Grant and Conrad Jontzes played the sensible rugby in the rain and pushed it deep into the Tah's half, whereas the Tah's were intent on running it, which culminated in some crazy decisions from Beale at 10.

However, a determined Lote broke through for a try in the corner and was kicked from the touchline with 11 minutes to go from Beale to level the scores, where it stayed, tight up till now and probably as far in the future as we can see!

Some Shorts:

Robbie Deans wants the current S14's ELV's in the Tri Nations, which makes sense given the whole world is going to use them come 1^st August.

Naturally he is in favour of them, and here's why, "Because the consequences of a free kick is not as grave but is still as advantageous enough, particularly because of the scrum option, it plays right into the teams determining outcomes by having to play to determine that outcome to have a referees decision that's unclear to some, possibly all, parties." - Good luck Oz!

The Guinness Premiership in the UK heated to boiling last week with the top six teams vying for the last four spots and with tries coming in two to a penny positions were up and down like a whores draws.

So on Sunday Wasps will entertain Bath and Gloucester will play at home to Leicester.

Justin Marshall has been told by the NZRFU that he's not wanted anymore. They basically haven't got the money to pay for him. The 81 Test vet is heading home from Ospreys to play in the Air NZ Cup at the end of August, but he'll not get a shot at the AB jersey again, as the big wigs are spending what cash they have on current or upcoming blood.

Those jumping ship and heading for the Sterling and Euro are Nick Evans, Craig Newby and Caleb Ralph.

Ian McGeechan is the 2009 Lions coach and B.O.D is not holding his breath to be captain, but he wouldn't turn it down if offered, "Of course, straight up, I would love to be captain of the Lions again." - Ryan Jones is still favourite.

Steve Borthwick will captain England in NZ for their two Test tour. Michael Bradley is the temporary coach for Ireland on their NZ and Oz tour. Declan Kidney is the new man in charge.

And Freddie Michalak is heading back to Toulouse, where Rene Bouscatel the President said, "Michalak returning to Stade Toulousoin is logical."

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons 1.

Other results: 

Heineken Cup final: next week - 24^th May - Munster v Toulouse

Some Internationals: Spain 21-17 Portugal

England Prem; Leicester 31-28 Harlequins/, Leeds 28-45 Wasps/, Gloucester 8-6 Bath

France Top 14: Montpellier 17-15 Toulouse/, Castres 41-10 Brive

Italy; Coppa de Italia: I dunno-a

Japan Top League: Haiiii Ya

Scotland's premiership: argh nae

Super 14's: see above

Netherlands: pass de duchy pan de left hand side, e tag a bum

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England's first Test v NZ starts today and Freddie said his ankle problems are over and despite getting three ducks in the build up to the Test he's as keen as ever; "I definitely feel I could play a Test match now."

He's out for two Tests with a side strain!

Hoggard's back in the squad though, and he's an old dog; "You either accept being dropped and roll over and die or you fight for your place. I just fight like a dog."

Anderson is in.

And Colly's got a shoulder problem and is in the dilemma whether to have the op or not. He said, "The fact is I don't want to give up my place at any time. There are never any gaps in our season, ‘you tell me when we have 3-6 months off." - Alright mate, keep your hair on.

And that's it for this week

Till next week...

Other sports:

Eric Bristow 51, the Crafty Cockney, is back on the oche and says, "I'm going to kill the opposition. The five times world champ is back in the betfred.com League of Legends with the likes of Kieth Deller and John Lowe. Sadly Jocky Wilson has got arthritis in hands so he's not up for it. The man who found Phil ‘the power' Taylor said his game is up there, "just more inconsistent now."

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Just a couple of quips this week as the fool is busy:

Almost ¾'s of UK adults use internet chatrooms and social network sites to have no strings attached sex. 86% are into dirty texts whilst 74% like phone sex - can you do it with a phone. More than half the over 18 population have filmed themselves. Oh hang on, this survey was taken from a TV audience from a show called Generation Sex, so you can imagine what ego fuelled filth no hoping trash fills that screen. Anyway a spokesman said, "Our series highlights liberal attitudes. Nearly half the adults admit having a threesome and 82%would consider an invite to an orgy." - What's the world coming to? (Channel five Wed. 9p.m. - shsshh!)

Spinach does make you stronger, you just need to eat about two pounds of the stuff, everyday. Boffs at Rutgers University in New Jersey found that it has a natural steroid called phytoedyestroid, which boosts muscle growth by 20% They tested it on rats and couldn't get them out of the gym. It's also got plenty of iron and Vitamin E, which is good for the skin - its also good for the heat, bones and eyes - super rats

testosterone

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXXI:  ‘Fame threw me for a loop at first. I learned how to swim with it and turn it around - so you can just throw it in the closet and pick it up when you need it.' - Bob Dylan...What!

British women carry £27b around with them in their handbags, as was pointed out by a survey on women's car insurance firm, Diamond. Not £27b individually, but collectively. Mind you, the average woman does saunter around with £881.68, but most believe its probably less than £200. 90% have a purse worth £30 with £50 in cash in it. Most have house keys, which cost £250 to replace the locks, the car keys also £200. I got my locks changed for 60,000vnd. Eight out of ten have a mobile worth £100. Then there's the leather diary and the sun glasses, which are worth £100 and all the other usual shite, whatever that is. The bag itself costs on average £51.53 and they'd buy their first at 14 and generally have five on the go at once. They'll buy two a year. A spokesman said, "Handbags are an easy target for thieves and these figures show there are easy pickings inside the average one." - What film was Slim Pickings in?

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; Universal truth: ‘Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

forgot the connection here...

Ok, lastly, told you it was short, lastly, a psychiatrist has told a court in Nhulunbug, Arnhem Australia that Leonard Andrew Spencer 48 may have had ‘sexsomnia' when he grossly and indecently had intercourse with his house guest, whilst he was asleep. It's a year down the track and he still cannot remember a thing, which the quack says is, "a hallmark of somnambulist behaviour." He also said that you have sleep walking, sleep talking, why not sleep sexing. Why, he has already dealt with two or three cases like this before. You'd think he'd know how many. Spencer had been through a heavy marriage break up, plenty of sleep deprivation, was on prescription medicine and had been drinking heavily the night before, to which the quack said was a, "potential trigger for sex sleep." However the DNA suggests there was no sexual assault. - You figure it out, I can't

just cf it

cf

 

Other news

• • 6-12th May 2012 volume 481 - (May, 14th 2012 15:06 PM)
• • 11th - 17th March 2012 volume 474 - (March, 17th 2012 23:32 PM)
• • 4th - 10th March 2012 volume 473 - (March, 10th 2012 20:24 PM)
• • 17th- 23rd Feb 2012 volume 471 - (February, 22nd 2012 12:56 PM)
• • 3rd - 9th Feb 2012 v470 - (February, 09th 2012 15:03 PM)
• • 13th - 20th Jan 2012 volume 467 - (January, 19th 2012 12:25 PM)
• • 6th - 12th January 2012 volume 466 - (January, 11th 2012 19:16 PM)
• • 30th dec - 5th jan 2011-12 volume 465 - (January, 05th 2012 12:17 PM)
• • 23rd - 29th December 2011 volume 464 - (December, 28th 2011 12:09 PM)
• • 16th - 22nd Dec 2011 volume 463 - (December, 21st 2011 20:22 PM)