Crazy Fool's Newsround - 8th - 15th October 2010 volume 401

8th - 15th October 2010 volume 401
October, 13th 2010 22:32 PM

“Over bridge of sighs

To rest my eyes in shades of green

Under dreamin’ spires

To Itchycoo Park, that’s where I’ve been”

(Small Faces)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 15.10.10

For 2 (National Communications) Signal Brigade

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

Saving face

The changing face of North Korea has been exemplified by the rumours of Kim Jong Un having had plastic surgery to look like his Granddad Kim II-Sung, the founder and deeply revered ‘Father’ of North Korea.

The Dong A Ilbo newspaper depicted the similarities as a ‘reincarnation of North Korea’s late founder.’ The once slender athleticism of youth now depicts a chubby 27 year-old with several chins and his short back and sides styled hair.

Expert on the Kim’s, Toshimitrisu Shigemura, a professor at the Waseda University explains, “A lot of people in South Korea have pointed out the King’s face is very different from when he was young, particularly the shape of his chin.”

What ‘Tosh’ is talking!

Just the stake please!

The Phuket Vegetarian Festival is underway this week, where revellers pierce their cheeks with an array of meat cleavers, petrol pumps, spanners and skewers.

Objects thrust through the body are geared to rid evil spirits thus allowing divine supernatural spirits to cleanse the soul. Walking on hot coals and climbing bladed rungs on a makeshift ladder are also a favourite pass time. Abstinence of alcohol, sex and meat are also a must.

My dream is world peace, travel the world and open a garage.

You can fight but you can’t hide

Kung Fu sisters Xiao Lin 22 and Yin 21 are to hold a three day fight festival in Foushua south east China in an attempt of procuring a date.

To win the masked maidens hand in marriage the competitors will have to compete in archery, walk with a heavy weight over bamboo spears then defeat one of the sisters in full combat. They can then remove their mask and propose.

Yin explained, “They can choose open hand or any weapon they wish, but we won’t be holding back. If they can’t beat us they aren’t worthy.”

Few contestants have turned out so far, and one that did warily sighed, “I’m a very good martial artist – but I think I’d want to see them with their mask off before I decided whether I wanted to fight for them.”

Student benefits from her dressing down

Student, Geisy Arruda has been reinstated in Bendevriate University in Sao Paolo after shocking the educational ministry by wearing a short pink dress to lectures. – Gasp!

The 21 year-old has become a minor celebrity in Brazil after she was said to have exposed, “A flagrant lack of respect for ethical principles, academic dignity and morality.”

Lawyers defended her ‘trampled dignity’ by expressing ‘the total intolerance and discrimination’ brought against her.

Her brief earned her $23,600 compensation.

Eyes wide shut

Ingrid Holm mistakenly used glue instead of eye drops. Staff at a hospital in Arizona had to cut away the hardened glue and wash out her eyes.

Not so lucky was Sing Li, a lorry driver from China, whose windscreen shattered and he replaced it with cardboard. He then drove 500 miles with his head out of the window where one of his eyes froze shut.

Sing received a blue head, was arrested in Henan and lost his license.

Extra curriculum

A student’s ‘unofficial thesis’ at Duke University, on her sexual antics has brought such notoriety after being leaked on the internet that publishers are queuing up to sign her.

However, for author Karen Owen, nothing could be more embarrassing, as her sexual dossier titled, ‘An Education beyond the classroom; Excelling in the realm of horizontal academics’, was meant only for a chosen few close friends to giggle over.

The 42 page Power Point presentation awards marks for physical attractiveness, size, talent, creativity, aggressiveness, entertainment, athletic ability and a bonus score for an accent.

Karen credits her research to the library, in the showers, on the balcony and the back seat of a BMW. Her highest rating received a 10.25 with lowest a measly 1.

As part of the dossier she posed the objective, “In this study we used four years at Duke University to create evaluation criteria for such encounters and applied these criteria to evaluated subjects.” – 13 of them in Karen’s case.

A spokesman from the University pointed out the dangers of digital communication expressing the reality of human consumption for the outrageous can pray on peoples ‘privacy and reputation, which can be shredded in a few clicks.’ - Or 13 of them, as we heard.

Roy Kellock from Northants UK is the World Conker Champion for the second time in three years. The 64 year-old said, “It’s all about potential energy.” Or so his son told him, and he’s got a Bachelor in Engineering. “It’s all about how and where you hit it.” He confirmed. “It’s all about aggression, there’s no defence at all.” – Roy is now off to China.

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Wikipedia says Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas and Vivian Hawke transposes ‘the quintessential Oriental Riff, a short musical phrase that is used to signify Chinese culture.’’

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

‘The wrestling picture is the funniest thing I’ve seen in years!’ Sir Les (circa v.399)

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I went in to a shop and said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle,’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’

The Boat Lagoon Marina, Thepkrassatri Road, Phuket

If you’re looking for Brummies finest it’s gone to the trivia page – Play of the Day etc – it was getting a bit crowded here…more added this week!

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

*When politician John Chemlin 58 was attacked by a bear at his holiday home near Seattle he said, “I vividly remember being bitten on the head and the sound that makes as her teeth were going into my head and running along the skull. It was just a horrendous fight. I do remember her hitting me in the left eye. There was just a bright flash of light.” – His wife Lynn thought it was a big black dog attacking him. John lost his left eye. He’s now off to China

*Charlie the smoking chimpanzee has died aged 52, although it’s not certain it was the fags that killed the captive chimp in a zoo in South Africa, as he lived 10 years longer than most apes – smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

*The world’s smallest apartment went up for sale in Rome this week. At £43,000 the 5x5m pad in the fashionable Piazza di Sant’ Ignazio hosts a bathroom downstairs with a ladder leading to room with a single bed. A reporter in the Italian daily II Geornale said, “In Rome, people now live like rats.”

Number crunching

*Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic Spaceship Two had its first manned flight this week. If you want a go you’ll have to book on the waiting list behind 370 others and have £125,000 ready.

*The world’s biggest cucumber is 5ft 7” and weighs 154lbs. Akele Hi who grew the beast said, “All the other cucumbers from the same packet grew to normal size and in the middle of them this monster wouldn’t stop growing.” – Pickle it.

*Britain’s are the most exotic food eaters in Europe. Only 17% said no to a tarantula, jelly fish or camel hump.

*Niamh Bond was born on 10.10.10.10.10.10. That’s right, as the head popped out at 10 past 10, ‘the rest of the body came out just on time’ said the midwife Dawn Grix. The paediatrician clocked the second hand at 10 seconds past. Medical staff were ‘gob smacked’.

*Three year-old Xiao Hao is 10st and has been banned from nursery schools in Guangzhou as he is a health hazard. He’s now off to Foushau.

That’ll do Pig

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s! Plus next column in the Phuket Gazette 16^th Oct.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz