Productions presents

The Scene: It's 871 AD. fool is the village idiot of a small...village, tucked away in estuary land on the outskirts of London in a settlement called Crayford. He spies hundreds of Viking long boats heading towards King Arthur's capital. Sharpening his wooden sword on an early morning's fried lark and spinach belch and some particularly course mud he vouches (to himself) to protect the village, which is en-route for attack. He's demonstrating the motions with and old man in a hooded cloak, who is carrying a scythe.

fool: That's it, want some eh, ya bearded beardies, yeah well ‘av this (Thrusts his sword in a lunging motion)

Old man: Run idiot, run.

fool: Oh yeah, more of you eh, well come on then, see what the fool can do with a couple of balls and a snooker cue! (Slice, chop, stab...screw back)

Old man: Run damn it idiot run

fool: Rape our monks and pillage our anagrams would ya? Not any more Guthrun me olde bacon slicer - fool's bringing home the bacon now. (Whack)  - Smoked shoulder back with two fried eggs and tinned tomatoes please! And a nice cup of tea, don't forget the tea - (He mumbles, cursing to himself for forgetting the tea)

Old man: Run...While you still can... idiot.

fool: Come over here, diss our mead and bring your bubbly Lager eh... (Suddenly stops his maniacal rant and turns to the old man) - Hey old man, what's with all run business? We'll not be defeated. You've got a pretty handy tool there. What say we hold ‘em off together?

Old man: What say you're an idiot and you'll be cut to pieces before you can even say ‘welcome to Crayford first time pillagers; here's my head, please lop it off' - Not to mention the rapidly in-coming tide... What does it take for you to take a hint?

fool: Arghh, I'm not fooled by that old chestnut, lop my head off...in-coming tide...huh...just who are you anyway, where did you come from? You weren't here this morning when I was mud-larking at low tide!

Old man: I'm Death you idiot, and you didn't even make it to your own slaughter as Old Father Thames had you for breakfast mid mud and lark this a.m. - you idiot!

fool: Arghh, see, well, that where you don't fool me... cause I'm fool and you've got the wrong man, idiot comes from Dartford!

Narrator:  ‘Agh, yes, ‘Idiots On Line'? ...Good, I'm the narrator from cfn, I was wondering if there were any positions available at your station, I'm currently...'

Take the hint

Stay with me Stay with me For tonight you'd better stay with me...

Got to start taking my own hints.

So here's the quiz:

1. Who didn't take the soothsayers hints on March 15^th?

2. Which crab lives in a whelk or winkle shell?

3. Which England cricket captain had the middle name Dylan?

4. Which country has Jones as its most common name but no J in the alphabet?

5. What is the best hand in a game of poker?

6. Which country celebrated its bicentenary in 1988?

7. Which country was first to host Summer and Winter Olympics in the same year?

8. What are the following ologies the study of? A) Pomology B) Cryptology C) Petrology.

Answers available from a Mr. ‘Hey' Presto again this week. There were heaps of correct answers this week - must have been too easy!!! Plus there's miles and miles of more stuff to do in the *Comps & results page.

Meanwhile no-one has got the WHO AM I? So clue #3: ‘Last week was my birthday and I think that young *Digger fella picked a winner for me.'

Is it me?

All good, all good, jolly good, now who are the bold types flaunting their wares this week? - Stand back comic sans invading font and I'll tell ye:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. A slice of Spanish in the heart of Saigon? - You got it.

GTM: You want a container of wood all folded together into chairs and stuff? - You got it. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace: walking holiday in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain? - You got it. Check the link.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: You want meat and fish? - You got it. Particularly liked the oyster blades the other day dude.

Jaspas: Marguerites madness every Friday? - You got it.

Al Frescos: Two pizza's for the price of one every Tuesday? - You got it.

Some great deals in that lot folks - as are also in the *classifieds - anything you like?

But now let me tell you that *Digger is in line for a big medal for his AFL column. It seems the whole world and his wife are turning to him for all the latest info. And *Trigger just keeps doing what he does best - making an honest punter a quid or two.

*Tit-bits will be back again this week - naturally. *Fishman's V.2 is-a-coming soon, and dose, dere dem *Bongo Massif Bro's have promised a summer shimmy, with all the necessities, coming soon.

Some letters this week have complained that there's too much porn on this site and others have complained that there's not enough. To those who aren't getting enough - try changing your after shave/perfume. And to those who think a spankering of a bare chick's arse or the wobble of a fat nude bloke in a box is porn then think again, because until it jumps out and sticks itself in your ear it is not porn.

Hi

Now that's that cleared up (Penicillin again). Here's the ruggerbee - with no porn: (Scroll onto the next noggins at your leisure - cricket, other sport and world news follows)

And so, the bliss of it, the comedy rugby machine rolls on.

For lo; from all the Northern Hemisphere sides that played recently I defy anyone to name a combined international 1^st team...of first team players. A Lions team if you like, with the French - would normally be 1^st team, 1^st choice. I don't even think you could get a combined 1^st/2^nd or even a 1^st/2^nd/3^rd team, let alone a 22! And Scotland ‘the wise' didn't even bother playing anyone!

That's not - ‘woe the poor little blighters with their ‘understrength', ‘weakened' teams' - that's just the way it was.

But anyway, the false sense of security from recent bouts, flouts a lofty statement that, not the others, but the Boks will wilt like a broken Morrissey daffodil, for they are surely the manic depressives of any sport.

But these games are not all a worthless pile of professional loot, which is needed in the game for the players to scrape their backs on. For notables did com hither-ith-to: Nick Easter did alright in June; we knew that. Giteau is not a team scrum half; we knew that - sit back and wait for the letters on that one. And Laporte turns really bitchy when things don't go his way; we knew that.

But before I go onto last week's expansive divides; here's a wee note to the blind: England and Australia, Argentina and Ireland will come into the fold of ‘surprise contenders' for the World Cup- believe the fool!

Now; let's remiss; I'll not take anything away from the All Black's, they truly are the one formidable side - they simply play fast, basic, simple rugby, relentlessly for the whole 80. That simplisticismists-ness-ness earned them a record score against the French (61-10), and a record home toil of 23 wins, surpassing England's 22.

But it didn't stop French coach Bernard Laporte from frog marching up to the Aus ref from the previous week's game, in the foyer of the hotel on the eve of this match and finger wag the bemused official for complete incompetence and always picking on the  French - he had evidence on a laptop to prove it, and told him, "If you (Stuart Dickinson) are appointed to any French games in the World Cup, the French team will not turn up." - ‘oly shitzinlemaison monsieur!

It didn't mean much because the French were dire in both games. As a hack wrote recently, "Chabal went off on about 52 minutes to cheers from the crowd who admired the great competitor and great personality - And France signed off, leaving the All Black's to play amongst themselves." - Don't even go there!

Olivier Magne praised the Blacks; "They're the best team in the world and it's always very hard against them. You know you can't give anything away playing at this level." - You gotta know when to hold em...

Richie McCaw was pretty happy with his gang too; "That was a heck of a lot better. We put the acid on ourselves this week and we had to take a step up." - See me ma, I can fly, wow, look at the pretty colours...!

He went on, "We fed off their mistakes, got the ball when we needed to, and put them under pressure. That's what got us going, and we kept it up for 80." - The Viagra team of the World Cup.

Sean Fitzpatrick reckons the Boks are on course to beat the Blacks in the up-coming Tri Nations. I say after their shite 2^nd XV performance against Samoa I wouldn't bet on them making it out f the Parisian brothels.

But old fatty Sean said there are 3 things going in their favour; "They have momentum, started through this years S14's and which is continuing at international level; they also have raised their game and their skill level noticeably this year; because they now have belief and a coach in Jake White who is really starting to take them places."- Bag-o-shite

Ok, let's look at Australia who beat Fiji 49-0, come on Fiji! - in another mismatch-potch of crap and blunder, which was only good for one thing and that was to prove that Julian Huxley plays alright at this level but will get shat on in a proper Test!

The Aussies have a team, and nearly a 22, we've seen that, they will rock the World Cup again, we've seen that, but, and yes with good reason they are anxious going into this weekend's Tri Nations in Cape Town against the ‘Is-its'. - And yes, that was enough said about the Fiji game.

Bloke down the pub said the Wallaby's ‘will get hammered.'

Steve Larkham was playing it cool with his coy words; "Whilst the emphasis is certainly on winning the World Cup we certainly need to have good form going into the World Cup and we need to have a little bit of confidence against sides we are potentially going to meet." - Steve ‘Coy' Larkham, shaken, not stirred.

Gregan also knows how to give the Bokkies false hope! The Boks will win, but they'll be notched back down the pedestal a peg or two. George says, "It is definitely the most confident Springbok side and the most balanced Springbok side I have seen going into the Tri Nations." And, "They are going in with a lot of confidence, and they did a number on the English. So we have got them on the top of their game."- He's clever that George - most scrum halves are!

The All Blacks play Canada this week - you gotta laugh eh! And while I think of it, the ‘Is-its' will win in the Cape 29-17.

Other news is that Graham Henry is worried over two AB locks down and probably out for the whole Tri Nations, in Ali Williams - busted jaw from the ‘Horse' and Keith Robinson - calf. Graham said, "The injuries are a major concern for us." - Welcome to the real world eyebrow man.

Ex Irish lock Trevor Brennan 33 has had his lifetime ban for beating up a supporter during the Ulster, Toulouse game reduced to 5 years. Do you think he'll return to the game at 38?

English lock Danny Grewcock - oh here's a surprise - has been given a six week ban for his punching on opposite number in the Bath/ Clermont European Cup final. It starts 4^th August meaning he'll miss their three warm up games and the first two of the World Cup, including that one against the Boks on 14^th September - surely he can't make the squad?

And Agen and Fijian Rupeni ‘Roops' Caucaunibuea has got a 3 month ban for smoking de ganja, but luckily for him it won't start till after the World Cup - so have a few more tokes my lad.

need a joint

Two pages of rugby - should we have some results! - Oh go on then:

European Nations Div 3B - Nortwat 22-8 Austria

Specific Nations Cup - Aus ‘A' 71 - 10 Japan...why?

NSW ‘Argh' Shute Shield - very Manly 38 - 5 Llawarra - not in Wales.

Copa de SM EL Rey final, Spain - Cetransa UEMC EL Salvador 29 -16 UE Santboiana - how do you chant in the stands!

Before we go to cricket let me tell you that Martin Johnson, who is no dreamer, believes England to be at best a dark horse for the Cup. He shares with us the pedigree for success; "You play your hearts out with real intensity, passion and skill. You put pressure on the opposition for 80 minutes and you see what the score is at the end of it." - Beautiful and simple Jonno.

Jonno

And now it's cricket:

And what's all this; Bob wasn't knocked off, Vaughany's on the vino and Bell's a crowd pleaser?

That's right, and remember you heard it here first on cfn about 6 weeks ago; Bob died of natural causes. After independent pathologists and toxicologists found the 58 year-old to have died of heart failure and not a drop of poison in sight - a tad removed from the original Quincy who had it down as strangulation eh! - ‘Yeah bring him in; axe in the head eh - must've been natural causes.'

But anyway, England won the 3^rd Test against the Windies and wrapped up the series. It was a good finish; the Windies needed 154 on the last day and by-golly they nearly got it. Chanderpaul finished the day 116* as Vaughan described his innings, "The best of its sorts in Test cricket." - And just what were the sorts?

Harmy and Monty skittled the rest. Moores was chuffed with the 6ft 5 Geordie and said, I thought Harmy was great - and his bowling in the second innings was fantastic." - Well, you wouldn't want to say anything negative to him now would you!

Monty nicked 10 for 187 and was cautioned for his gay dancing in the middle by the ump. He recalls, "Aleem Dar had a word with me. I think he was saying that I shouldn't start celebrating before he's given a decision. I guess I get a bit excited out there." - What, he's gone all Hollywood now has he? ‘I guess' this and ‘I guess' that - reckon mate, reckon!

Note; Dar and Bowden were statistically correct in almost every decision in that Test - the best record ever!

Another record is brown girl in the ring tra la la la la - but we'll not go there.

Vaughan took a record with 21 wins as captain, an English record, and immediately went out on the piss. That, after all that Fredalo stuff! Bell who incidentally chipped in with a handsome 97 and casually acknowledged the crowd, which prompted bloke down the pub to call him a cunt for flaunting a cheap 90's dismissal and not getting a ton and taking all the cream, that very same Bell reflected on Vaughany's vino moment out on the Manchester town till the wee hours on Monday and its comparison with the Fredalo by saying, "I guess from Vaughany's point of view, it was probably the right time in the right place. Our one was probably the wrong time in the wrong place." - That's Martini.

Nerd facts; when Bell bats at No.6 he averages 73.88 with 591 runs, but he wants to bat at No.3. He's getting good, is that Bell. He's trying to play it cool, he said, "Not much has changed since I made my Test debut against the Windies in 2004 - Fidel Edwards is still trying to knock my head off." - If he tried to knock your balls off he could've been Fidel Castro!...Hmmm.

Anyway, someone's gotta make way for Freddie return...don't they? Geoff Boycott knows his man, and I reckon I know who it is - that Levi fella who only managed 6 runs in two innings. Geoff on the eve of the Chester-le-Street Test said, "I'd have sent him back to county cricket for a while. Owais Shah and Ravi Bopora could do with more Test cricket. It would have been a good opportunity, especially as they won the series anyway." - Wise words you cantankerous old Yorkshire git, now haven't you got an ex-wife to beat up some where in France!

Ummm, I think that's about it, so I'll leave you with Matthew Hoggard's returning speech from injury, just in time to play in tomorrow's 4^th Test, "It is not as if I've been feeling like a bag of spanners - I've come back feeling quite good." - Well that's good then.

Okey dokey; Other sports now:

And Lewis got it on his sixth attempt eh. It took Mansell 72 races and 5 years. Giancarlo Baghetti did it in his first! The man is on his way to millions and Alonso's not bitter at all, he said, "I have a British team mate in a British team and he's doing a great job and we know that all the support and help is going to him. I understood that from the beginning." - Saucer of milk table 12.

Yeah won one

Ha, Ron Dennis told him to quit his Mediterranean moaning and that the two McAllen teams are very competitive with the same equipment and the same support. The oak puckered his white trash lips and said, "There are still 11 races left and I feel that I am very much the favourite for the Championship." - Anyone seen That 70's Show!

Still, Lewis got a snub from the David Letterman show. Apparently some Scot by the name of Dario Franchise must be a Highlander, who won the Indy 500 last month was on, and you can't just have one driver after the other. Lewis will be there in Indianapolis though this Sunday and I bet you he wins!

First wins:

Giancarlo Baguette (It) 1
Juan Manuel Fungi (Argo) 2
Tony Brooks (GB) 4
Jacques Villanueva (Can) 4
Lewis Hamilton (GB) 6
Jackie Stewart (GB) 8
Mike Hawthorn (GB) 9
Damon Hill (GB) 13
Jim Clark (GB) 17
Michael Schumacher (Ger) 18
John Surtees (GB) 18
David Coulthard (GB) 21
Fernando Alonso (Sp) 30
James Hunt (GB) 30
Graham Hill (GB) 32
Nigel Mansell (GB) 72
Jenson Button (GB) 113
Rubens Barrichello (Bra)
124 (record)

Casey Stoner won the race of the season in the Catalan MotoGP - Him on his Ducati and Rossi on his Yam had the time of their lives on the bendy bits in Spain, but it's the young Aussie stoner - shouldn't that be a capital S! Who is 14 points clear of Rossi in the table, He said, "There was a lot of overtaking going on out there. It was a thinking race. Valentino was a demon on the brakes and I nearly clipped the rear of him a couple of times." - Dude.

And this is a classic; Alex ‘Hurricane' Higgins and Jimmy ‘Whirlwind' White were in an exhibition game the other day when the ref called a foul on one of Alex' shots. A fan said, "Higgins glared at him for a few seconds, went up to him and punched him in the stomach." He went on, "The ref let out a gasp and doubled over then grabbed him by the neck and shoved him into the crowd."

Meanwhile Jimmy's just pissing himself and said that Terry Riley, a ref for 25 years, over reacted. Alex gurgled, "I didn't punch him. I gave him a friendly tap on the beer belly, that was all." - (Stab, chop, slice...screw back!)

Ok, now it's time for the world news:

William Hill are cutting the odds that some sort of extra-terrestrial intelligence will be found, from 1000/1 to 100/1. - When you think about, the bookie knows everything!

Found one

Joanna Gardiner is the managing director of Dundalk-based Ovelle Pharmaceuticals and she's promoting their Elave skincare product by doing a 60 second internet ad in the buff, yep, the nuddy, starkers, eau natural. It's some lovey dovey crap about that their products are chemical free and the slogan is ‘nothing to hide' - but she plus loads of models go commando with no overs- wahoo!

everything to hide

There's been a five year drought in Oz, but hang on what's all this flooding? Anyway they've combated the lack of rainfall by cloud seeding, not a new thing; the Russians were doing it right through the Cold War right up to Chernobyl. Anyway, they spray silver iodide into the clouds or even blast it up there through propane burners - this effect comes out as snow and not rain. The fact is, is that they've created 4% more rainfall, and over an area of 1,352sq miles that's enough water to fill 1000 - 50 metre swimming pools. No wonder there's bloody floods and haven't they got enough Olympic size pools - Britain only has one. What and where's my point, oh yeah, I just liked Doc Roger Stone's way of putting it, he quipped, "It'll be like putting water in the bank."

Al Hill a 66 year-old logger partly sawed off his leg with his pocket knife after he'd spent eleven hours stuck under a tree in remote woodland in California. Then along came a young fella, Eric Bookey 31 who found him and took him to hospital where they finished the job, and cut it right off. Eric said, "Only me, Al and God were there that day." - Well God's gotta be a cunt aint he!

and me

Remember Charles Tombe, the Sudanese goat fucker from Juba? You remember, the elders made him marry the goat after he'd been caught meddling and also to give it a dowry of £25. Well, the old goat's dead, no, the real one, not Charles - died after eating a plastic bag whilst rummaging for scraps. - Who got the dowry?

And um, I think that's it...hang on, here's a last one:

Who says the Yanks are paranoid? A woman called police after she saw a man walk into a medical office building in Bellingham, Washington with an assault rifle. Police barricaded the streets near St Josephs Hospital as precaution. It turned out the man was carrying a prosthetic leg. David Doll, Chief cop said, "Everyone did everything right." - Look out he's got a pie!

look out

take the hint...why?

just cf it

cf