8th - 14th July 2011 volume 440
July, 12th 2011 20:40 PM

“You jump in front of my car when you

Know all the time that”

(Jimi Hendrix)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lads – The One With Mindback Feedbend

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 14.7.11                                           

For Elements of: 148 Expeditionary Force Institute Squadron (volunteers) The Royal Logistic Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Hit and pun!

In a TV show to find Holland’s worst driver, the host was run over by one of the contestants.

 

TV personality Ruben Nicolai was positioned at the edge of a race track where drivers had to carry out a ‘braking from speed test’. One driver, known as Pim, swerved off the tarmac and ploughed into two cameramen and Ruben.

 

Neither he (Pim) nor his female instructor or girlfriend in the back were hurt, however, Ruben suffered minor shoulder and foot injuries, saying, ‘We all had the fright of our lives.’

 

Meanwhile female traffic magistrate Rhonda Hollander has been busted for taking photos of men in the toilet.

 

The magistrate followed a man into the West Regional Courthouse in Florida toilets and took pictures of him at the urinal on her cellphone.

 

She was then led away to an office by the Broward County deputy screaming, ‘I’m not breaking any laws,’ as the increasingly agitated discussion pursued the deputy pointed his finger at her which she duly bit.

 

A police spokesman said, ‘although uncanny in that both articles stem from Dutch descent they were, however, not related and should be treated accordingly, i.e. one is a very bad driver called Pim from Holland who doesn’t know when to stop and the other a peeping Tammy who is a Hollander who bit off more than the deputy could eschew’.


Make love not war

In an effort to keep fighting men at the front line Hitler issued his army with sex dolls to battle the mounting absentees due to sexually transmitted diseases.

 

In 1940 Heinrich Himmler reminded the Furher, ‘The greatest danger in Paris is the widespread and controlled presence of whores, picking up clients in bars, dance halls and other places.’

 

To get a grip on the situation Heinrich personally purchased 50 dolls for his elite troops, which eventually went onto to become known as the Heinrich manoeuvre.

 

However, by 1942 the project of issuing the portable relief was phased out as soldiers refused to carry the blond haired, blue-eyed ‘gynoid’ dolls, that were designed to be stored in the back pack, because they would be embarrassed if they ever got captured.

 

Author Graeme Donald came across the information whilst researching for his book The History of Barbie, which by all accounts was based on a post war German sex doll.

 

‘In the end the idea fizzled out when the place where they were made and all the dolls were destroyed in the bombing of Dresden, which in all sense and purposes is the same as going out with a bang.’ Donald confided.


 

 

Jonathan Ochola was caught for an armed robbery after he wrote in his diary, ‘Go Portsmouth. Robbery happens.’

 

Police said his part as get away driver in the £500 heist of Ladbrokes bookies was, as he admitted in his statement, ‘stupid.’

 

However, News of the World’s recent revelations of phone hacking unveiled the slow reaction from the police to arrest him, as a text message between departments said, ‘Read Jonathan’s diary again. Hidden clues. Something suspicious. Must scratch head’

 

In a separate incident…


 

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘In a completely separate incident fool is now going to ring out the years that have been sodden with boy bands, imitation boy bands, boy bands with girls, girl bands and bands with that dog doo dah Bonzo sound that really got our juices flowing back in 19 O’Chocolate where they leaked their formidable sounds into our lug holes like molten notes purring at twitching enzymes and folded twiddle-dee- dooh dah-ish into the ebb and flow of music hall psychedelia, which in a way inspired my next guests, and yes folks, not just a ramble this week, but we’re back to our old form with live guests and here to give you taste of pure rock n roll greatness are a band simply known as Mindback Feedbend. Here to tell us more are two of the surviving members; DnA. – If you’re reading this in the good old fashioned written word sense then here’s the New Radicals on youtube-o-vision.

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)


Painted by the lips of artist Natalie Irish… careful!

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘I like the green ones best’ My daughter’s first words

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 


Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*15 live lizards were strapped to Michael Plank as he travelled from Australia to LA, but he didn’t get to take them any further than the airport, because apparently it is illegal. He received a month in the clink for each lizard for his efforts. Note; there were two geckos, two monitor lizards and 11 smaller lizards. Further note; Dirty Geckos tour to Bangkok 27th August – apply within.

 

*Polar bears originally came from Ireland. DNA evidence shows their interaction with the brown bear was in fact their maternal beginnings 50,000 years ago.

 

*An Irish woman who had sex with a dog has died after an allergic reaction similar to that of a nut allergy. Sean McDowell was arrested after he reported the incident following the pair meeting through a fetish chat line. After further investigation Police believe the sex to be consensual and Sean is helping with their enquiries.

 

*A cross breed of Donkey and zebra has been born in  Xaimen Hailend Zoo in China but the exact term for this breed, which by the way is not such an uncommon occurrence, is either a donkra, zonkey, zebonkey, zebring, zebrula, zebras or a zedonk.

 

* A wombat that lived 2million years ago in Australia weighed 3 tonnes, and I’d like to know what the difference is between a ton and a tonne… it’s probably my most commonly asked question, which I keep forgetting the answer to.

 


Number crunching


 

*A house just 60 inches wide is being built between two tower blocks in Warsaw Poland. It has one bedroom, one kitchen, one lounge and four floors and goes back 40ft. Designer Jakub Szezesmy who plans to let it out to artists said, “I saw the gap and just thought it needed filling.’

 

*In Las Vegas you can buy a $1000 gold leaf sundae for… um $1000. The Golden Opulence Sundae available from Serendipity contains two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of Tahitian vanilla bean, one scoop of Ecuadorian chocolate, seasonal exotic fruits, truffles, micro mints and an orchid on top made from sugar, white chocolate and gold dust – give me gypsy tart any day.

 

*Encouraging text messages help people to stop smoking. ‘txt2stop’ was tested on 5,800 people where 10% quit compared to 4.9% of those who didn’t receive encouraging messages - fact.

 

*The world’s steepest roller coaster is the Takabushi in Japan at 141ft and levelled to 121 degrees. It cost £23 billion to build, which is around 3billion Yen and takes in the scenes of Mount Fuji along its 0.6 mile track which you’ll whiz through in 112 seconds. Which reminds me; the Koreans have amongst the highest suicide rate in the world and to battle this phenomenon a firm offers a seminar of a night in a coffin in order to appreciate life. The seminar boss, yes you’ve guessed I can’t remember who it was, nevertheless they said, ‘it is meant to change the meaning of one’s life and give a chance to know yourself.’ - Which come to think of it, hasn’t got anything to do with roller coasters at all. Nor has the ban on the wet sponge throwing at a fate in Ulverston in the Lake District, as it is deemed too dangerous. They have to use water pistols, but we’re being side-tracked here.

 

*The 7th September will be the oddest day of the year, or already has been if you’re in America – work that one out.

 

*Happy couple Michele and James Dawson had a second set of identical twins with Isabelle and Chloe which makes that phenomenon a million in one chance – fact. But that has nothing on newborn JaMichael Brown in Texas who weighed in at 16lb 1oz – I don’t know what that is in kilos – around 24 or something, either way it’s blumming heavy.

 

*A sex survey suggests men prefer a kiss and cuddle later in life where as women prefer full on how’s your father. 1000 couples throughout US, Germany, Japan, Spain and Brazil, married from one to 50 years, found those in a long term relationship were more prone to, perhaps what is the reverse in expectations, i.e. bonky-bonky for the women and peck on the cheek for the men. Julia Heiman who led the study from America puts it down to kids, ‘The period of less satisfaction seems to overlap with the period of raising children along with other things really taking a focus.’

 

*Smoking is good for your joints – which should really just be left there. But to back it up, proof from Australia found 11,000 men researched 42 – 51% of those who had been smoking for 48 years had less arthritic problems than those who didn’t – if you’ve got ‘em, smoke ‘em.

 

*And lastly two trillion insects are killed in Holland every year. Haven’t got time to tell you why here, but tune into the radio show and all will be revealed.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

 

 


 

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