Crazy Fool's Newsround - 8th - 14th Jan '10 volume 362

8th - 14th Jan '10 volume 362
January, 14th 2010 19:17 PM

“Ridin’ down the highway

Goin’ to a show

Stop in all the bye-ways

Playin’ rock n roll”

(ACDC)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is in a pickle (its fancy dress night at the Club again) and he’s sat on the sofa, boxes around him from a recent move, but he doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. He’s trying to grab Michael Caine’s attention, but he’s busy singing, ‘It’s Over’ by Roy Orbison in the film Little Voice.

fool: Michael, I’m in a pickle and don’t know whether I’m coming or going, can you help me?

Michael: Piss off fool

fool: Thank you very much, …te…herrr…uuum…kerr…rock and roll eh…rrrock and roll.

Narrator: There’s no business like snow business. This has nothing to do with today’s play, and I use the definition of ‘play’ extremely lightly, but it does go rather well with the picture I have for this week. If you need to know more about nothing then please, read on…

How many inches of snow? It’s not original but it keeps the pensioners tittling

If you need to know…ask…Michael Caine in Little Voice…

1. Where’s the coldest place on earth?

2. Shogi is a Japanese form of what game?

3. Which bird would you find in a squab pie?

4. What was Rolf Harris’ first UK Top Ten hit?

5. Which famous actor played Philo Beddoe in two films?

6. Who did Australia beat when they first won cricket’s World Cup?

7. What is the legendary ship The Flying Dutchman doomed to do?

8. At 2% of the body’s weight, how much of the body’s energy does the brain use up? A) 5% B) 12% C) 20%

(The astute amongst you would have noticed these questions actually came from round 284, but like fool said, he’s in a bit of a pickle this week)

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – No takers for cluetwo; that should be two words, but who’s counting? Here’s another…clueone, doesn’t quite have the same ring does it. Cluetwo was in fact clueone, but cluetwo in the overall standing or rounds of the 2010 WAI? Being thereof, two! Here’s clueone in cluetwo again…“With a twinkle in my eye I let all the children boogie” – which leads straight into…wait for it…cluetwo… “I share the same birthday as Elvis.”

Is it me?

Welcome to the 2010 Main Comp scoreboard: with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And previous results in the *comps and results page in the categories.

With all the ones and brackets:

The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle:

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1 (1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others:

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

‘...and that was Joni Mitchell with big yellow taxi; a song in which Joni complains how they paved paradise to put up a parking lot. I actually reckon it would have done a lot to alleviate congestion around the edge of paradise; a point which Joni fails to recognise... obviously doesn't fit into her blinkered view of society.’

Alan Partridge

*Non-descript trivia moment*

DEGREES OF FREEMASONRY

6°…Intimate Secretary…6°

7°…Provost and Judge…7°

8°…Superintendent of the Building…8°

9°…Master Elect of Nine…9°

10°…Illustrious Master Elect of Fifteen…10°

fool’s Gold

Emperor Heliogabalus was a transvestite

Queen Victoria had a sprig of holly placed below her collar as a child to train her to keep her chin up

The dog that shared the bed of Napoleon and Josephine was called Fortune

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

In fact they haven’t been coming at all!

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Services – the sweet effluent spillage of a slapdash service that after years of nurturing and caressing goes so horribly wrong on the first hurdle. Taxi drivers will follow this code, this code of shoddy-ship at its best, that is of course excluding yay old fashioned chirpy chappy from within London’s black cabs, who snuggles so deep in the affectionate world of an appreciative knowledge, and stooped as he is in charm, supplied with an obligatory titfer on entering his Hackney carriage. But no, those bastard taxis in the Nam-land who, for instance, make a wrong turn and suddenly realise it half way round the corner. Instead of carrying on, they suddenly stop, attempt to reverse back into the busiest street in town, blocking all traffic with obvious disregard to the chaos it’s causing behind, all because he is too lazy in his haste to continue, and subsequently take the required couple of lefts to get back on track. On a bike following that kind of idiot is enough to make you…I’m sorry, I’m going to have to continue the service industries and their over-indulging need to please that inevitably irritates and befuggles the whole point, as to render it a nuisance, another time, as my taxi has just turned up…services though eh - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Tabbouleh – it is a source, nay a sponge densely packed with so much water that when mixed with a wet beard, which has a similar effect, can keep a man sustained in the desert for up to a year. Nothing else is required. Perhaps a good book, the odd person to talk to now and then, not that they’d have to be odd, anyone would do I suppose…apart from the French of course…phppperr, naturally. And maybe the old Mousetrap game, from who was it…Waddington’s? No, Hasbro. But anyway, all that and a handful full of tabbouleh in your whiskers and your set for life…well, a year…in the desert…with nothing else…except perhaps… Narrator: Quick, drag him

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Have you had yours today?

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – you can’t hide forever Jim!... ‘Oh yes I can.’

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…God and the Biker…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

House for rent; District 1 HCMC

HP Deskjet F2280 Printer, copy, scanner; 1.2mil vnd – contact the fool!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yep, that’s correct, we’ve added Phuket onto our world tour …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

We’ll take a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

This week the weather affected many games. It made them very cold.

Published 14.1.10

Snow where to run to baby…

Heineken Cup: very soon! No, sooner than that…next week soon…yes, I realise for some that simply isn’t soon enough, but that’s the variables of soon for you.

Guinness Premiership:

Leicester 34-8 Wasps. The Cip set up an early, fine, try for Van Gisbergen but then the Tigers came back with four of their own through Johne Murphy, Lote x2 and a penalty try for repeatedly collapsing the scrum/ And that was it!

Top 14:

Perpignan proved dominant over Racing Metro 92 with a five try romp to seal it 31-12. Jonathan Winnipegisniewski gathered all RM’s points whilst the silliest name to score for the Perps was Farid Sid/ Montpellier surprised Castres 15-0 with a handful of penalties/ Toulon worked over Montauban 18-7 with a solid scrum/ And Albi so nearly had it against Brive bar from a Kevin Boulogne last minute drop to finish it 15-17. Now, he’s a ‘Boulogne’ but a ‘Kevin’…strange?/ Stade Francais took Biarritz 25-15 with a fine demolition try from Matthieu Bastard/ And Clermont struck back from a 15-9 deficit at the break with a Tasesa Lavea try on the hour to finish 16-15 at Toulouse.

Magners League:

Edinburgh beat Cardiff 21-12 with two tries – it was very cold/

Some shorts:

Carlos Spencer’s done with Blighty and is heading for Super14’s action in what is believed to be one of the most lucrative deals in ‘Is-it-land’ rugby. He’ll hook up with the Lions as player and coach and a chance to become part of the great white lie.

Meanwhile Chris Latham is also out of Worcester’s 3^rd year option in his contract, whilst Lote is almost certain to press onto France, probably Toulon, where he admits he’s aching for the warmth, although his wife has enjoyed their short stop at Leicester. He’s been a good, lad absolutely no eclecticism about his heir and gait, and he had this to say about his time living in a small village just outside the town, “it gets very dark.”

On the Six Nations front it seems Gavin Henson may rock up for Ospreys but probably won’t get a shout for a national game. And Biarritz’ trio Fabien Barcella, Dimitri Yachvilli and Damien Traille are all out of contention; all with left knee problems! fool says Scotland will beat France on 7^th Feb on that piece of news.

Johnson has included Kiwi No.3 into England’s elite 32 man squad. Shontayne Hape is the most ridiculous name, as stated many a time by fool, Shontayne, Shontayne, you’re kidding me, it makes Charlene and Wayne seem almost regal. Seriously, do any of you know a Shontayne; please write in and let fool know; in fact the Shontayne Club starts here:

Anyway, he’s (Shontayne) a good centre, plays at Bath and has spelled many a rumour that he’ll provide back up for fellow Kiwi, Riki, at 12, who in turn will both nurse Tait into 13, which is good news, as the running back will feel he’ll have somewhere to shine as opposed to coming off the bench as a utility.

The discussion of New Zealand’s chokability at the 2011 world cup raged last night in the Battleship – to keep it sweet, fool is most definitely gunning for England – who doesn’t think so? Simply reply in words, ranging from one to a thousand! And I’ll print your letter(s). Abusive is good.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one.

Same deal; if you send in a team that has 8 or more names identical to fool’s, you win a prize.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

You may think I say this every week, then proceed to ramble on dribble after dribble of nonsensical tripe loosely attached the variables of cricket, second time I’ve used that word today, variables, there I go again…can’t help it. I also possess a hankering for my made up word last week: ‘thribble’ and am patenting it as we speak. But hark, what is it I say every week? fool hears thee hark and harks back; that there isn’t much to report on this week, due to not much cricket having been played!

fool left you last week on England’s last day, where yet another infallible Bunny Onions knock steered victory through a draw; unfathomably difficult to comprehend for those not in the cricket world, but there it stands, along with a majestic hit off Colly’s resolve in the middle order, which in essence was the true navigator of this fine, fine draw. At 40 runs off 188 balls Boycott would have French kissed him right there and then in the crease, where Colly was left to mutter, “How are you going to make TV highlights of that!”

So let’s sit back and watch the next England, South Africa Test live from the Highveld and Australia, Pakistan in Hobart, where the devil comes from. fool says? The first two mentioned go through!

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

The Manny/ Floyd fight is off, it’s official, but it wasn’t Floyd’s fault, oh no, no siree, that sweet talking arbiter of diplomacy was a victim of a ‘rodless’ upbringing where were the rod not so sparingly spared would he have perhaps churned out a slither of decency,. He stated, “First and foremost, not only do I want to fight Manny, I want to whip his punk ass.”

Oh well, Manny moves on to fight Joshua Clotty from Ghana and Floyd will fight someone ‘big’ but it won’t be, according his chief exec Richard Schaefer, ‘Hatton’ That’s Hatton ye younger of the Mathew variety and not Ricky, who against his family wishes is making a comeback.

He’s somewhat on the heavy side these days, is Ricky, but he reckons he’ll be back, against a name, in May or June, he says, “I’m a little bit heavier than I would normally be between fights. So I will spend two weeks just shedding weight and then, when the date is fixed, I will go into my usual 12 week training camp.” – Two weeks to shed the kind of bulk he’s carrying – he’s in the wrong business. He’s put on about three small people since the Floyd fight and if he loses that in two weeks he’ll put pay to any yogi diet guru this side of Flabbersville.

The 1997 USA 4x400 team in the Athens world champs have been scrapped from the record books for drug cheating. Well, it was only one of them but then it only takes one and this one was Antonio Pellguana who ran the second leg in 43.1 secs. England, who rocked in 0.18 secs behind them are now elevated to the top where Jamie Baulk now 36 said, “There’s a little bit of bitterness, we were robbed of gold. If you look at the race, it’s a joke. He comes up the straight like Speedy Gonzales.” – Yes, I thought that straw hat, red scarf and long tail was rather odd.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

3d TV’s, as thin as a pencil by Samsung and LG have been on show at America’s Consumer Electronic Show this week. The touch screen marvels have QWERTY, does that have to be capitals? Not sure, but I know you can watch live TV and a DVD at the same time, which would be odd. I also know that England Rugby will show their Six Nations games in theatres around the land in 3D, and that would also be odd, especially if they played Little Voice on DVD at the same time; they could use Michael Caine as the video ref… ‘It’s over, it’s over, it’s oooooover…”

The New England America Research Institute has declared, after a 16 year study that is, that men require or are healthier should I say, are at less a risk to heart attacks, let’s stick to that, if they get a bit of rumpy-pumpy twice a week. I’ll leave it at that. I think it says it all.

Ladies, if it’s you who’s obliging to make this, often misunderstood, world a healthier place and you want what’s best for both world’s then you can go and ‘test drive’ new boobs called Biodynamics Breast Anelepis. 500 styles from A to F cup are on offer. You wear a special vest to get used to the style, feel and fit. You could get three if you’d like. Digger once told me he’d like one on his toe so he could give it a little tweak every time he took his socks off. Well, that was actually a nipple, but what’s a nipple without a breast? Bloke Down the Pub wants know if chickens have nipples? Have you seen fool’s nipples? If you know the answers to any of these can you drop me a line and win a prize!

This week saw, No Pants Subway Ride, day again. It started in New York in 2002 by Improve Everywhere and is just what it says; you wear no pants on the subway. They only got 7 back in ’02 but it has since soared and spread to places like Japan, ha, no surprise there then and Argentina and Sweden, brrr, that’d be cold. The organiser said he tried to provide, ‘scenes of chaos and joy in public places.’ But you couldn’t do it in Britain as pants are underpants and people ride on the tube, so if everyone walked into a Subway with no pants on you’d soon be asked to leave…or perhaps, ‘would you like dressing?’

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘AC/DC got their name after the Young brothers elder sister saw it written on a sewing machine – fact.’

60% of UK students would star in a porn film to help clear their average debts of £23k – fact.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! “no k cook nay cooper this week - sorry!"

Ok, my apologies, I’ve run clean out of time but can tell you that a woman’s handbag contents has decreased in weight since 2006 from 7.7lbs to 3.3lbs. Sue Tebbitts from Debenhams says it’s the revolutionised combined blusher and lipstick that’s done the trick. The Blackberry has helped too, no more bulky personal organisers. Sue says, “The burden on women is falling.” – Right on sister.