That was the week weren't it; The European, last leg:

The scene: Amidst fears of natures revenge; The Chinese Government Department for Weather Enhancing have made no secret of using silver iodide to induce rainfall in clouds so as to make it rain in certain areas at their will. The fact this has caused thunderous storms and flooding everywhere in South East Asia except Beijing, as was the plan, has caused general upset from every low land country from as far a field as Holland (part of north west Asia). cfn's rogue reporter Kate Bush was on the scene, and spoke to Bob Marley (who has a cold), who owns the coffee shop where cfn tracked down Professor Wong, the man believed to be the brains behind the said, ‘Hi Ho Silver Lining Dept', as it is more commonly known. However, since these last couple of sentences have been written it has come to light that the Professor, originally ran a takeaway shop in the north of England where it was said everything he served wasn't quite ‘chicken' and consequently had a ricochet effect, especially when young and up and coming band Echo and the Bunnymen were on their first tour of Liverpool's scout halls in 1978 and would afterwards filter out onto the streets in the hazy light of Liverpool High Street and order a Tai Ni Po Ni  and some porn crackers down at their local Rising Sun takeaway. This inevitably went on to lead to all kinds of bestiality accusations and Professor Wong hastily skipped town. It is believed he changed his name to Lei Ying Lo, as to distance himself from any past misdemeanours, but let's see if the past is going to ricochet. fool lies in wait to trap the rain maker and is disguised as Bobby Darin in a puddle.

Kate: Cause every time it rains, you're here in my head, like the sun coming out...Ooh I just know that something good is going to happen. And I don't know when, but just say it could even make it happen.

Bob: (looks on a tad bemused at Kate's opening question) Sum ting Wong?

Prof: Yes?

fool: Splish splash I was taking a bath...gotchya!

Narrator:  - Roll the quiz:

is it me?

1.  Where were Echo and the Bunnymen from?

2.  In which country is the city Port of Spain?

3.  Astraphobia is the fear of what?

4.  Where had Jim Rockford been in the years before The Rockford Files?

5.  What makes stainless steel stainless?

6.  What shape is the sound box on a balalaika?

7.  What is made by a testator?

8. What is common in the Indian ingredient ghee? A) Coconut oil B) Clarified butter C) Beef lard

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you want to send in this weeks answers. (it's same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Every answer so far has been wrong...what's that? Yes, especially that one. So without anymore cheese here's a reminder of the Main Comp's, clues so far: Clue No.1: "I am the king of the swinger's inspiration." Clue No.2: "In a way I could have been sleeping in the authors back garden!" and to Clue No.3: "My hair maybe wild, but my thoughts are innocent." And succinctly on the trail of No.3 comes clue No.4: "I was probably the Bollywood child actor of my day."

Is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp - check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 29 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in - confused? Good.

For those who are reading this in digital press the red button now:

Dracule: 14 (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: ‘How many sergeant?' ‘Faarsands sir.'

Quote for the week:

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

Tim Vine

*Non-descript trivia moment*

TOASTS OF THE NAVY

Monday   OUR SHIPS AT SEA

Tuesday   OUR MEN

Wednesday   OURSELVES

Thursday   A BLOODY WAR OR A SICKLY SEASON

Friday   A WILLING FOE AND SEA ROOM

Saturday   SWEETHEARTS AND WIVES (may they never meet)

Sunday   ABSENT FRIENDS

fool's Gold

• Austria was the first country to ever use postcards

• One year contains 31,557,600 seconds

• The space between your eyes is called the glabella

Dr. Phil Ology's word of the week:

on R&R

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Always forgetting to this bloody bit then realising I've been incredibly content lying on my bed watching the Olympics all week. Next week I've got to go back to work and will no doubt be incredibly cheesed off with the world again. BASTARDS

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam - I think! - Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - What's news on the sand-pits mate? - By all accounts the prototype is looking good.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:  I'm coming back and gonna get me some more wabbit

Butchery & Delicatess

 41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street, District 1, Ho Chi Minh City.

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St)

Tel: +848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Remember, there's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; brings you all the details from the world of AFL...err not this week

*Trigger: Anything worth a punt this week? - Not this week, sorry

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... yep, definitely September - oh yes, and to the fella who said he'll even produce it if it goes out regularly...you're on, yes, you know who you are! - Big shows coming soon.

*Tit-bits - .../...

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters - it's the proverbial's (new one next week - didn't realise it was Thursday already!)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May ‘08' - new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior - me thinks!

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - That's what I call a tune folks...play it Sambo!

Mr. Meaner...  you'd better be quick, the rugby's on soon.

Now, just in time; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you're not keen do move on:

Lots to talk about nothing this week, so let's kick off with that utterly pointless fixture of an underpinned by exhaustion and apathy outfit in the guise of Argentina who provided a ‘warm up' game for the MB's during the middle of their Tri Nations tournament!

63-9 the ‘Is-it's' pegged down a wholly wearisome South American/European side, whom to be honest for the best part of the first 30 minutes looked quite interested.

It's got a fancy name an all in the Mandella Challenge, but to be honest it wasn't much of a problem for the marauding nine try endeavours of the mighty MB's. The only real outcome was a cluster of injuries, which will effectively put lock Bakkies Botha and centre Jaque Fourie out of this week's clash with the All Blacks at Newlands.

Still, coach De Villiers was temperately happy, "I was happy with the win and if you say but for the first 30 minutes (where the Boks trailed 9-0) then we must realise that life is not perfect and that these things happen. We were happy with the result and that is that." - If anyone has the faintest idea what he was talking about please drop us a line here at http://www.cfnr.co.uk/

Meanwhile, not only does chief wig De Villiers have to cope with the said injuries but he's also getting a right earful from all camps in various MB parts, most notably a slightly shaded acrimonious stance from a certain Cedrik Frolick who poses the fact that Ricky Januarie and Conrad Jantjes should be in for the respected Fourie du Preez and Percy Montgomery.

Cedrik states, "Personally, I think Ricky has proved himself as South Africa's leading scrum half." He then said this about Percy who is to win his 100^th cap on Saturday, "It is worrying that people make their decision with their heart to give someone his 100^th cap."

Selection policies are tough in any country but when it is rumoured that Cedrik's hornets quota infested nest is said to spark a flurry of coloured and black supporters in Cape Town to opt for supporting the All Blacks on Saturday instead of their own country, things must surely be pretty bad.

Cedrick is the vice-chairperson of the parliamentary sport folio committee!!!

Percy of the 99 cap fame said, "I'm trying not to talk about it too much. I haven't played the game yet."

Just for a bit of trivia can you name the nine other centenaries of Test rugby?

If that wasn't enough, and it is always a political debate that De Villiers won't win, he pointed his chat back at the All Blacks instead by calling them cheats; "The All Blacks use tactics which are illegal and as far as I know if it is illegal then it is not allowed." - He specifically dug out some niggling in the scrum and targeting the scrum half and jumping across in the lineouts.

62 cap vet All Black Greg Somerville, who's off to Gloucester after these champs said, "People want to see a bit of the good old stuff as two teams go at each other."

fool's gunning for a 22 - 14 All Black win.

Some shorts:

New Zealand and Australia have thrown in the possibility of their Test sides playing each other's Super 14 sides if the northern hemisphere doesn't send down full squads in future, as reported last week. Except now ARU CEO John O'Neill is really winding people up, saying, "We are simply saying that we can't rely on the quality of northern hemisphere teams. Our audience is disillusioned."

This has all specifically come to light as France's domestic competition runs, again, into the ‘International' season next year when they are supposed to tour. John concluded, "You got to say, Wales 2007, France 2008. Do we really want to insult the audience again?"

On the other hand Australia has opened up their Super 14 franchises to allow two foreigners to play for their teams. One is to be an old head, a retiring international and the other an emerging player, who if stays on for three years is legible to play for the Wallaby's. - I'm sure there's certain cake and eating going on there.

France's Top 14 have embraced the ELV's and are particularly keen on the 5metre scrum rules, the mauls being taken down and the quick throws, but also, like everyone else do not understand the ruck situation. Berdos, a referee whose job it is is to inform the clubs, said, "They're most sceptical about the tackle situation and rucks where they must go in with the head below the hips. They're working on it but don't see the point yet."

Sonny Bill Williams has hit back at critics saying he won't make it in union by saying he wants to become an All Black, "But first I just want to play good footy. I want to win the competition with Toulon and to repay the faith that Tana (Umaga) has shown in me."

Lastly Jonno has signed Graham Rowntree as his latest coach at Twickenham and he's also secured a image rights deal that can double maximum wages from ₤99k to ₤185 - hello.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup!

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15.    Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood  13. The Patriot  12. The Great Race  11. Pink Panther  10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs  8. Braveheart  7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone  6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.   2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

As KP led his sunshine band to a six wicket defeat over South Africa in the dead Test of the summer, South Africa celebrated as it was their first series win in England (2-1) since 1965.

But let's give it to Kev and his mates because they played some great cricket. Led of course by the new man who continued in his old form - by making a ton, exactly, in the first innings; he said, "I've had a few texts from people asking me who writes my scripts! I was just playing the game I love." - "I built an innings, played straight, played in my areas and played a few shots that were funky." - There's definitely new cricket language around these days that just isn't cricket.

Harmy looked liked Harmy again and delivered some nut crackers on Smith and the odd claret maker on his own keeper in Ambrose. He even amassed 49*, his best Test score ever.

Kev spared a special mention for him, "I'll definitely be going out to get the best out of Steve Harmison. I know the best way to do that." - Yeah, make sure his family always goes on tour with him - all of them; in fact take all of Newcastle.

There was a slight warble on day 4 when Harris and De Villiers notched a 95 partnership down the order when it was 218-7 with a lead of only 96; however, suddenly they finished on 197 ahead.

Broad took 3-44 to get rid of them, well all the bowlers helped, especially a couple from Anderson's 34 wickets this summer.

But not also was it good to see Harmy back but good to see Fred's position at No.6 too, as was also KP's doing; "I am very happy with Fred at six, happy with that attacking option. I want Flintoff batting six in my team." And he did, with a six to wrap up the game.

Too much, too little, too something too late, but all in all a brighter proposition for the Ashes in 2009!

Till next week...

Other sports:

Olympian news: Forget the fake fireworks and the no show crowds at the sell out tennis - The opening singer Lin Miaoke 9 was not the singer because the real singer, Yang Peiji 7 was too ugly. Chinese officials said, "It was for the national interest." - Jeez, just how ugly was she?

Chinese dissident Xiao Qang said, "It's all about projecting the right image for China, with no respect for honesty." - No honestly, how ugly was she?

Meanwhile George Bush's minders had a proper fist fight with Chinese cops at the China v US basketball game. Next week he says they want a crack at Georgia.

Now, by all accounts the Aussies have been barracking the Brits saying they can only win sit down Olympic sports, such as, cycling, sailing, rowing, canoeing, and equestrian and the lie down swimming. This may be so, but I read in the paper today that the Brits are world champs in many other sports, which they think should be Olympics sports: darts, lawn bowls, croquet, Tug of War, which was an Olympic sport and Britain are the current Gold medallist from 1920, cheese rolling, dwarf tossing, Morris dancing, worm charming, shin kicking, egg throwing, conkers and bed racing. Oi, bloke down the pub, is our medals tally Olympic total still on between GB and Aus - track and field only?

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Women start to fret about their looks at age 28...on average that is, it's not the law or anything, they're not required to, they just do. 16% and some deservedly so, go tits up about it at just 16! Olay (Ulay) Regeneriser poll found women spend on average ₤216 a year on anti ageing stuff, like a toyboy I presume. Spokeswoman Sarah Clarke said, "Girls want to make sure they stay looking young from an early age." - Well, they should just simply lock the ugly ones away, surely.

A leprechaun Murphy garden gnome that was stolen from Eve Stuart-Kelso's garden seven months ago has mysteriously returned back in the same spot with a photo album of 48 pics of its travels around the world and a note saying he had ‘itchy feet'. Photos included him abseiling, in a shark's mouth, in the sea and on a motorbike. That's ridiculous, gnomes can't ride bikes. The gnome made it to S.A. Swaziland, Mozambique, N.Z. Singapore, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, China, H.K. and Laos. Eve said, "It makes me smile to see all the people he met on his travels." Saigon Geckos have a gnome called Gnoel who's had similar experiences, and has been to pretty much all those places and more, except he came back from Thailand where hookers had written obscenities on his bum in tipex - he's never really gotten over it. Have you got a gnome experience?

A big KFC coleslaw has more fat that a big portion of fries or chicken. The coleslaw weighs in at 22.4g compared to 19.4g for fries and 15.6g for a fillet burger. 66 nutritionists were asked to rate the fat content of fast foods and none got more than two correct. A high street café latte has around 300 on average and a mocha choca cocker, what ever they're called, about a billion.

Aussie boffs seem to think they found a pill, well, made a pill to prevent the common cold or the rhinovirus as the most common strain of the common cold is called or to give it its chemical number BTA798 - bored yet? The firm Biota are testing human guinea pigs all over the world over the next couple of months and test results will be back in April. CEO Peter Cook said, "As far as effective treatment for the virus will be a major breakthrough, particularly for high risk sufferers of asthma and patients with compromised immune systems for whom a cold can trigger a serious illness." - Forget about the rhinos, what about us!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXxX! "I thought today I'd start by singing one of Irvine Berlin's songs. But then I thought, "Why should I? He never sings any of mine." - Spike Milligan

Bjarne Hermansson from Finland is the 2008 world sauna champ, as he and only he endured the stifling heat of 110c for 18mins 15secs. - Go Bjarne.

Scientists have made a material, which can become invisible. It works by bending light around an object as Doc Xiang Zhang from Berkley University, California says, "It's like a river flowing around a rock. I've actually seen this and it works. The army use it to disguise ships, tanks and even buildings. China are about to use it on Tibet.

There's a new alarm clock in New York called the Wake n' Bacon. It cooks a rasher of bacon as it rings...mmm bacon.

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; His questions: "Why is it that the person who handles your money is called a broker?"

Two US hunters, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer have found a dead ‘Bigfoot' and stuck it in their freezer. They found it in the woods of Georgia Southeast US. The reddish hairy human ape like thing is two metres tall, and has five fingers and toes and human like teeth. The 230kg beast has blackish grey eyes and flat feet, (would never get in the army) which are 41cm long. Mr Biscardi, who's been hunting Bigfoot since 1971 endorsed the find and said, "We trekked for a day a half...What kind of lunatic would be out there in a monkey suit? I saw the thing. I touched it." - What kind of lunatic?...Pah, it's America.

A cow escaped an abattoir and fell down a manhole. It ran for a mile in the sewer until a vicar heard muffled mooing sounds under his church in Noeux-les-Mines, France - more like Moeux-dans les-Mines!

A fake Euro coin has appeared in Aviles, Spain with a picture of Homer Simpson on one side instead of King Juan Carlos, and a map of Europe on the other. The owner said, "I've been offered 20 Euros for it." - There, now that's news.

Two in Three Brits now prefer Thai curries to Indian ones. It's mostly women who are instigating the move as the red and green curries contain more aphrodisiacs than the other. Thai chef Ash Ali said, "Thai green curry has long been known in the East to provide a boost to the sex drive." - ‘Fuck me, that was hot!'

And lastly a pensioner in his 60's from West London has been served for having sex with a horse. A source said, ‘He is attracted to horses and couldn't resist it when he saw the animal in the field." A police spokesman said, "We thought we'd seen everything, but this beats them all." I'm sure lots of people saw everything; it was just off the A30 in Feltham, Middlesex. And it doesn't necessarily bleat them all.

just cf it