Crazy Fool's Newsround - 8 - 15th Dec. '06' v.216

8 - 15th Dec. '06' v.216
December, 14th 2006 06:39 AM

cf: Yeah thanks Cliff, thanks mate, but why don't you just fuck off - I've got one stressed out bird down here who hasn't stopped clucking about Christmas or is it Stressmas, since freakin August, and the other bird won't fit in the bleeding oven!

Missuss cf: Who you talking to? You haven't got time to talk, that's all you ever bloody do, when are you going to do something useful, as usual it's me doing everything, as usual I'm the one...

chill out

Christmas, if anyone doesn't know it is actually a religious festival, which in time has been kidnapped by corporate conglomerates and new wave lefties who think its square and indoctrational to celebrate their Christian days off work. Yeah sure pagans, most notably that horny Wiccan sect were cavorting, yes naked, around some winter solstice alter of lurid and almighty shag-festing, but ultimately the ‘mass of Christ' is a religious festival - Although these days it has of course been surpassed by white folk preferring to opt to give more credence to the growing trendy-ness of Divali or indeed the more opulent dash to the January sales. But what will happen when ‘they' really take it away - what if Coke or Pepsi do away with Christmas altogether? Hell no, Christmas can't go - please don't take my Christmas away...Myyyyyyyyy only Christmas, You are myyyyyy Christmas...

Oh the roasted minced pudding of it all - get your giblets around these:

1. Do the Twelve Days of Christmas precede the 25^th December or follow it?

2. How many Lord's were leaping?

3. Eisoptrophobia is the fear of what?

4. From which language does the word ‘bantam' originate?

5. In children's T.V. who were Roobarb and Custard?

6. In 1996 Darren Gough became the first English bowler to bowl wearing what?

7. Is a piri-piri sauce sweet or hot and spicy?

8. Name the pop groups that had hits with the following songs concerning the moon. A) Man on the Moon. B) Whole of the Moon. C) Bad Moon Rising.

For more lyrics try to de-pick the song lyrics in this week's comps & results section of http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ , Also there are last week's quiz answers - not forgetting a new Spot the Ball.

In the WHO AM I? I can't remember who the frig it was last week - hang on a minute, I'll just go and have a look...argh yes, that was it. So now clue No. 2, "My nephew never knew which step to sit on, and hey watch where you're putting that hand arsehole!'... ‘yep!'

Is it me?

And an echo from our patrons of c.foolness-ness-ness: Pacharan, oh how I love ya, how I love ya my little Pacharan...GTM, here's looking at you kid...Vasco's; my little Vasco's, I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles...Fosters; You are the sunshine of my life, where ever you go all the time. Blue Gecko; My only Gecko, you make me happy when sky's are grey...Bootlace Holidays; We're all going on a walking holiday, no more working for a week or two...and last, but not least on the shag-pile of promotion and hilt...Inkslinger Tattoo's; I remember you, you're the one that I've been dreaming of, you're the love of my life...

Jack Spratt could eat no fat his wife was a fat cow!

‘What's on this week cf?' ‘I'll tell you what, little voice in my head; there's *Digger and his return from a week's sabbatical, followed hooved swiftly by his bro *Trigger and his double your money - try to get rich scheme. Then definitely on the up-dates this week are *comps & results, *Tit-bits (I don't know who keeps putting those saucy pics in), *Ashes, *Archives, Champion the Wonder horse - he's not really in this week's, I just can't get the damned song out of my head. Ok, on the cagey side, look out for dem dere *Bongo Massif Bro's - dem make me twitch man!' And the usual other catches, and yeah *Jimmy the Fish - where art thou bro?

Champion the Wonder Horse.

Get off arse and get on the rugby...ok

What's been going on in the world of rugby this week?

The big print at the moment really is the state of the civil war in English rugby, which by all accounts has been rounded down to the Arseholes v's Has Been's.

Let's kick off with the Arseholes whose primary job was to appoint a Director of Elite rugby - just what the fuck is that anyway. The question has been continually asked with out any suitable reasons for its existence. Even so, now Andrew has it I believe he's hanging onto it by the skin of his teeth.

Andrew, he the Cromwell, took over the job to, well, was it purely to rid the Robbo of his crown - kill the King thus providing a glossy cover to hide the failings of a long worn and torn system, which as ‘Has Been' Clive (Better to have been than not at all) Woodward suggested the case when he said the worst thing that happened to England was them winning the world cup - and I quote, "Winning the world cup glossed over failings of the English system."

Or as Francis Baron, top Dog as we speak, would have it, was to govern the show without any real grunt as to its control?

Either way, I'm prattling. Suffice to say Woodward has a point that both Baron and Andrew should go. Former player and players manager Simon Halliday is the man for Baron's job - and yes, what is the need for Andrew, has he coached a national side before, has he got the final say in selection, is there a need for a selection panel - again, just what is his job?

Woodward's rant this week may have had a touch of sour grapes about it but he's got a point, the main being; give the coach sole responsibility, but with a full set of reigns, as he, Woodward, says, "People waste time trying to define Andy Robinson's role. Is he a coach or a manager? What is Alex Fergusson (Arsehole) or Arsene Wenger (French, say no more) or Jose Mourinho (Tit)? Whereas Graham Henry (Boring cunt with weird eyebrows) and Eddie O'Sullivan (And they're off - should've been a racing commentator), have control of every aspect of the team."

Clive prattled on (More than me!), and said, "I've been to Arsenal. They would not even plant a bush without Wenger signing it off." - Who plants a bush on a football pitch?

Anyway, I'm getting really confused. The fact of the matter is Dean Ryan, Gloucester's wiz kids coach and probably the best England has, isn't taking the job. Dean Richards is yet to be convinced, because basically the package sounds shite - ‘manager for England, no control over the team, training, or team selection allowed - ever. Must report to another boss.' Shit, Vietnam is run better! Then there's Brian Ashton, he could get moved up the ladder, but I bet he's shitting himself. And then there's Woodward's choice who would've been Mallett, he seems the most likely, but let's not forget Eddie Jones.

Joe Roff reckons he should get it, not him, but Eddie Jones, he said, "Eddie is the most thorough and influential coach I've ever come across." - Careful with your words there Joe!

Meanwhile back on the paddock, Sgt. Wilko is nearing fit again, ha, yeah right. He should get the job - all of them, coach, driver, chef, physio, stretcher bearer and captain. He said, "There is no question that the 2007 world cup is my dream and ambition." - What a classic that would be; the two poorest teams of the last couple of years; England and Australia in the final, Wilko lines up the posts in the dying...!!!

Watch out for this fella; young lad, Karl Pryce. He's a 6ft 6inch 18.5st mauler who plays on the wing - ex leaguey - he'll be very entertaining.

But now folks its...

And now this...

Ashes - what's it all about...Alfie...

Could you imagine the week before the do or die of the possible series furore of the 3^rd Test at the Wacca? Would it be like going over the top in the Somme in 1916 for the English? Or for the Aussies, the itch of popping the bubbly - a bit like Yankland coming out of the depressive 30's and rubbing their hands at the outbreak of a new and prosperous war in the 40's - if there's a country that doesn't owe a debt, monetarily to the Yanks or cricket-wise to the Aussies then I don't know my tomatoes!

Freddie summed up the loss at Adelaide the day after, on his 29^th birthday and said, "It wasn't a great birthday. I woke that morning and realised what had happened. I got a few cards, one from Harmy saying, ‘Happy 30^th Birthday'."

I'm 20 bloody 9

If there's one grasp of hope for the Poms, it's that Harmy's still got his sense of humour. Old head, Alec Stewart still has faith in the 6ft billion Geordie lad, and said, "I'm Harmy's biggest fan. On his day he's probably the best bowler in the world and is a match winner."

He went on to snub the pen pushers by saying, "People always talk about the technical things, is the ball the wrong side of his wrist, is his head coming down the wicket straight? - No, it's all about confidence." - Here, here. Anyone got any coke?

Sorry folks - news flash from our man in the field - "Punter falling over to Harmisom. 2 - 54."

Fix bayonets!

When you're on the ropes, there's only one way out. Dennis Lillee 57 was a bit miffed with England's prep. Him, an Aussie, wasn't impressed that England went home after the ICC Trophy in India for a few days of slap and tickle before having to board a plane straight away to go to Aus for, what ultimately, is their wedding day! He said, "If England were fully fit and had good preparation there would've been a fight all the way."

He's not alone in thinking that - everyone bar Fletcher and his dog think that. Rodney Marsh thinks that, he said, "I feel a bit cheated by the English." Mark Butcher thinks that, he reckons, "We won the Ashes by playing aggressively last year. England seemed to have lost that aggression this time around."

I think you'll find a fight in this match. It's an incredible ask to pull back from here, let alone win this match, but as KP said, "I don't want to be sitting here next week talking about being 3-0 down. It's crunch time."

Did Martyn get a touch of the Stressco's - it all sounds a bit gay doesn't it?

Warney is only 7 wickets away from his 700 - cf bets he won't get them in this Test! Gilly, who by the way has turned pants, reckons of the Adelaide Test that "Warney led us that day and we all followed." - And although he can't bat anymore, he does still have fun behind the stumps, he said of Warne, "It's so much fun keeping wicket to him."

phoarw

Believe me, it's a tad difficult trying to type when the Test is on, but I reckon I'm fairing a tad better than the Punts right now - I can imagine him head butting some dressing room wall as we speak. He's as keen as mustard for a 5 - 0 wash. He could still get it, but it hasn't happened since the 1920-21 series. He said, "We've got to win this match to start with. But if we do win here, I don't think any of us are going to be happy with that. We're not going to be happy winning three Tests." - This time it's personal!

Tell me, what are the odds of England winning? Vaughan reckons, "All our players are better when they play on instinct." - Well, there really is no choice now mate. Whatever happens Fletcher sold the first game, gave away the second and Monty may be a grenade too late in the 3rd! It'll be a miracle if he lasts the ODI series - guess who's lined up to replace him - another Zim...none other than Andy Flower.

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. McGrath if you think old England's done...

They don't like it up em lads.

ta da

Other stuff:

Never do football, but when me olde "ammers are involved it is personal. Curbishley for Pardew - NO. That's it, I've had it with Iceland. I'm not going there on holiday anymore.

We're forever blowing bubbles

Britain's sports personality of the year was decided this week, with such an array of talent to choose from such as ...ooh, that darts bloke, some black belt in origami, a taxi driver who played lawn bowls once and undefeated world super middle-weight boxing champ, Joe Calzaches. In the end they kept it in the Royal family and gave it to Zara Phillips on account she's got nice buns.

Zara?

Talking of the Royals, Bill and Harry Windsor are going to celebrate the death of their mum by throwing a ‘concert for Diana' in the new £757m Wembley stadium next 1^st July on what would have been her 46^th birthday. There'll be a mix of talent and shite - take your pick from this lot; Elton, Duran Duran, Joss Stone, Pharell Willis, Bryan Ferry, the English National Ballet and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh joy.

I'll tell you what is a sad song - the Verves, the drugs don't work, that's what. It's been voted the saddest song of all time mate. Doc Harry Witchel, an expert in psychology and music judged the reactions to sad, happy and exhilarating music. No.2 was Angels by Robbie and No.3 Sorry seems to be the hardest word - Elton. What about sad songs say so much by Elton?

Meanwhile Liam Gallagher reckons being the lead singer is like winning man of the match. He also has no time for variety, he says, "It's like having loads of girlfriends. I don't like lots of styles of music, I just like rock ‘n' roll." - I know, it's only rock ‘n' roll, but I like it.

Liam it's all rock n roll

Ok, enough muso, how's this; a 70 year-old woman locked her husband in their garage for 3 years. She in the meantime lived it up with her 58 year-old toy boy. The 76 year-old slept on a rotten mattress and was fed food through a hatch in Roeze-sur-sarthe, South West France. She was jailed for 2 years after admitting she did it because she was frightened of losing her pension if she divorced him. Don't sign anything fella's.

If you were the husband it would be wouldn't it

Argh, let's get back to the music; 34 year-old Welshman Geraint Benny's getting death threats because he does a bald Elvis show. He says, "If Elvis were alive today I'm sure he'd have a good laugh." - He would also be 70!

Geri Halliwell, is she a muso? Who cares, she's into sex toys, she says of her single life; "I have a great child, great family and friends and a great vibrator." - Single, and has a child - hussy - wouldn't have her in the house.

can a vibrator do this?

Ok, Liverpool's (That's in the UK) Tate Gallery's getting a lot of stick for its latest exhibition of life sized models performing oral sex. To their credit they did say that warning signs were ‘very visible'. - I bet they were.

New Bond, Daniel Craig has been voted the sexiest man alive. A Durex Play survey of 4000 horny women only managed to bring in Brad at No.12 - what a fickle lot eh!

surveyed by this

It is official, a study of 1 million people concluded that a glass or two of wine or beer a day will increase your chance of living longer by 20%. But you're not supposed to save it all till Friday.

That's more like it

One for the pervs: voted top naked film scenes of 2006 were 1. Salma Hayek getting stuck into Colin Farrell in Ash the Dust. 2. Gretchen Mel in The Notorious Betty Page. And No.3. Brittany Daniel in Rampage - The Hillside Strangle Murders.

True sauce

Speaking of which, Oliver Stone was in England this week and at the British Comedy awards where he said, "I haven't been here for years. Jack the Ripper's back. It's good to see nothing changes." - There was silence.

Oliver walked straight in to it

Cameran Diaz is getting lesbo twitchy, and says of Pam Anderson that she had a ‘major girl crush' on her when she was young. I don't need to say anymore here.

No doubt eats plenty of these

Louise Clarke on the other hand is English but thought she was French. It's called Susan's Syndrome and only 4 people in Britain have it, only 200 worldwide. Apparently the brain scrambles memories from years earlier. Louise said, "It started with migraines and hallucinations. I eventually got so confused that my sister took me to the A&E and I was gabbling in French and ordering croissants from my bed." - Must have been terrible - I mean...French...pah!

I woke up and thought I was a dog!

Leading boff of the UK, Doc Murray says frozen alien life is possibly on Mars. He says, "It is going to be extremely primitive life we are talking about here. We are talking about bacteria." He's not joking and backs up his theory with facts closer to home. He said, "On earth they brought micro organisms from the Arctic back to life after 30,000 years." - They're out there!

Did someone say a tornado in London?

bugger, lost the picture!

Ok, lastly boffs have worked out that Santa can deliver gifts to every child on Christmas Eve. It's all down to a ‘relative cloud' Something to do with Einstein's theory of time stretched and space squeezed. Doc Silverby of North Carolina State University says, "Rips in time allow Santa months to deliver presents when only minutes have passed on earth." He goes on to say that he'll also have a SatNav, with genetically bred reindeer that can fly and balance on rooftops. He won't waste time hauling toys on his sleigh as he'll make nano-toys from soot on each chimney. Doc Silverby concluded, "Santa's trip is possible based on plausible science." - You believe it?