Crazy Fool's Newsround - 8 - 14th May 09 volume 329

8 - 14th May 09 volume 329
May, 14th 2009 06:15 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning)

Plus the radio show – with a new look

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is riding through Saigon’s streets with Robert DeNiro on the back of his bike…

fool: Hey look there, just next to the theatre where they’re showing Romeo and Juliet… ‘Saigon ink’ – Saigon’s got its own bloody tattoo shop. Bet they’re only transfers though…

Bob: Yeah, I’ve bought the place next to it – gonna call it ‘Scarface’ – soon as they walk through the door I’m gonna slash ‘em up…

fool:

Narrator: fool said but not another word, he just starred straight ahead at the traffic, invisible in his silence, as Bob rambled on with a cut-throat manner.

1. Who played the star role in the original Scarface?

2. Which Cornish village claims to be the birthplace of King Arthur?

3. Which is the main river to flow through Hamburg?

4. Which motel provides the setting in Psycho?

5. What does Genghis Khan mean?

6. Alan Minter was undisputed world boxing champion at which weight?

7. On a World War II battleship, what was called a Mae West?

8 What is bruxism? A) Unconscious grinding of the teeth B) Involuntary and uncontrollable swearing C) A very prominent overhanging forehead

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com Also, the Silent Third Party earned he-self a free T-shirt this week for quiz dedication.

WHO AM I? – 2009 – And it stopped, just when we thought it wouldn’t, but before it did, it was dog-gotten by Dracule who screeched into the lead with answers like this; Red Rum, Sea Biscuit and the correct one, Shergar to clues like these: Clues No.1, 2&3: “Oh, I certainly had a name alright; it’s just me that’s missing.” – Galloping onto to Clue No.2 – “That was it!” and in with clue No.3; “I’m not Mr. Ed.” – Helping Dracule on the ladder with joint ‘first answer in’ was Silent Third Party, but now; new clue, new clue, clue No.1: “I spent a fair amount of time on Saigon’s streets – not a lot of people know that.”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 18 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those on the ladder to success, rung on:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Mountain bikes. What’s all that about? There’s no mountains in north London. If I’m going out I don’t think, “Shall I cycle or take the chairlift?”

Alan Davies

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME Greek DIETIES

Hermes…travellers, thieves

Artemis…hunting, fertility

Hades…underworld

Asclepius…healing

Dionysus…wine

fool’s Gold

Louis XIII appointed a Royal Anagrammist for a salary of 1,200 a year

Psychologists at Aberdeen University reckon the best way to woo a woman is to chat up her mate

Fathers tend to determine the height of their child, mothers their weight

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word soccer is usually attributed to Americans, but just like the above example, it was not the Americans who first used or invented the word, they were simply the ones that used it to full effect.

Paradoxally, the origin of the word soccer comes from…you guessed it - England.

The date of October 26th 1863 is the day that several soccer clubs all around England gathered up in London and formed The Football Association.

Reportedly, the man who stands at the origin of the word soccer is Charles Wreford Brown, an Oxford student who always preferred shortened versions of words, such as "brekkers" for breakfast, or "rugger" for rugby. So he came up with "SOCcer" allegedly from the word ASSOCiation. He'd do his quirky abbreviation when asked "What are you up to today?" Charlie would respond, "ASSOC-ker game". sounding like A SOCCER GAME.

sounds like a load of toss to me ..... like the game itself.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Weekenders. Yep weekenders are vexing the calmest of giddy-goat hairs on fool’s tongue this week. You know, the part time hippies, the day-trippers, the seen it all’s with eyes wide shut. Folk who claim to be worldly because they’ve been on lots of holidays. People who reckon they know somewhere because they spent a fortnight on the piss on some unpronounceable island containing lots of vowels. Charles in Charge’s mum and dad. Gits who have a billion stamps in their passport, and can rattle off crap after Lonely Planet page of crap, but went to their Shangri-La with a fist full of Travellers cheques and a cushy job back at home waiting for them where they’d don the T-shirt for one day until their mate says, ‘you look like a knob.’ Folk who surmise the psyche of a nation is at one with their own because they travelled overland and saw the country, breathed the culture and tasted the exotic – my arse – until you travel without a penny in your pocket, stay on board the mind-trip for 3 months just to get acclimatised then at least three years to begin to smell local; live the trip, not just tick it off your things to do list and come out the other end with tales of derring and do of how you shagged wisdom’s corporate ladder of understanding and found your own inner peace, your own Shangri-La… hang on a minute, what am I talking about again! Weekenders - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Weekender by Flowered Up – top smiley acid band of the late 80’s/ early 90’s – listen to it … NOW!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #113 (which is really one of the original 9 – can you guess which one it is – is it one of your favourites?)

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; let alone boogie to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; busy this week

*Trigger: busy with his brother

*cf's radio show: - OUT NOW– new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want… almost – Playing now is the long forgotten Christmas show , but nay fear for the Easter edition will be out soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../...Who’s the daddy?.../…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – click on the Grub-up icon on the left to see what tickles your fancy – fool recommends the Gazpacho

$5.00 0r 80.000vnd

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

* Classifieds – Some top deals on furniture this week – an expats house clearance sale – look under; for sale.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…will be right here after this song…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

- crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s menu in Grub-up and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I need a shirt

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

It’s still the trophy month of the year, and so it will continue to be, wherever you come there’s a trophy of some sorts going on, except in France where they’ve had 26 rounds and still have a zillion to go.

Here’s a quickie for you – Do the Lions play for a cup?

Guinness Premiership semi finals:

One of the shocks of the season was Quins getting nilled by London Irish at the Stoop – 17-nil in fact. They’d had a building season with some excellent wins, but missing four kickables in the first half spelt an iffy afternoon – to which Dean Richards shrugged, “That’s life.”

It took till the 42nd minute for either side to get points on the board and they came by the way of three from Delon Arimtage. The Exiles further tallied with tries from Hudson and an intercept from 37 year-old Catt. Irish director Toby Booth was pleased for the old fella saying, “Mike Catt was outstanding. Today was one of the games that Mike thrives on.” – The crowd didn’t mind either and sang, “I’d rather drink a Guinness than a Pimms”, as he dived under the posts.

In between the singing Easter and Steffan Armitage broke each others gain lines, young-un Jordan Turner-Hall made some bullocking runs and everyone had a mass brawl.

The Irish deserved their victory by toughening the fuck up and they’ll have fun in the final but it was Dean Richards who again shrugged his Honey Monster shoulders and gave credit to the Harlequins season with, “We finished second in the table, reached a Heineken Cup quarter final and played some cracking games.” – Here here, let’s have a Guinness and a Pimms

Over in Tiger-land, Leicester took care of Bath 24-17 with tries from Moody, Hipkiss and Vesty. Bath were no slouches though and produced two of their own from Claasans and Hooper – ‘Keep her steady Hooper’

Richard Cockerill clucked, “I was a bit nervous at 17-10. But we made them tackle and scrum hard. We were not lucky. We played better than them. No one could say we didn’t deserve to win.” – ‘You tell him…’ ‘no, you tell him’

Richard Cockerill also reckons Tom Croft will be on that Lions plane, especially as Alan Quinlan has been busted for eye gouging, he said, “He has got to be a shoe-in. I’d certainly be playing him.” – Eye gouging - not good, but a good kicking - okay.

After the Irish semi Catt said referring to the final, “We’ve bought ourselves a lottery ticket and it’s now a 50-50 shout.”

fool says Leicester by 10

Super 14’s

The Force crept by the Stormers 25-24 in a non apparent shite game. Dylan des Fountain dropped the ball over the line and Richard Brown just pointed at him and laughed. Tiaan Liebenburg and Haig Sare had a fight and no one cared. Joe Pieterson scored off his chip and chase and Willem de Waal slipped through a weak Force defence. Jamie O’Connor slipped a nice inside ball to Cross who did the same for the Git who scored and the Git also got another when no one bothered to tackle him. JP also got a second.

The Bulls outshone the Cheetah’s in an epic battle, where they dominated in all areas. Tuis de Bruyn opened up the scoring for the Cheetah’s with a tap and go. Ndungane finished off a nice Habana run for the Bulls then Hendro Scholtz got one back for the Cheetah’s, as did Jonge Nokewe. Then it was Chiliboy Ralepelle’s turn for the Bulls followed by another for both Ndugane and Habana. – Poppa was a copper and momma was a hippie…

The Sharks messed up their tail end of the season good and proper by losing to the Tah’s 12-16. They had a 50kg advantage up front but were snarled by a determined Tah outfit. Timana Tahu filed off-loads for Waugh and Robinson whilst Ben Mowen looks on course to keep out Elsom from the Wallabies. Peter Playford was also back with a try. The Sharks need to beat the Bulls this week.

The Brumbies took apart the Blues 37-15 with five second half tries. Isaia Toeava made a nice break for Gopparth to finish but then Mortlock’s jaunt around the scrum early in the second half was the telling. He earned himself Super 14’s top scorer with that. Francis Fanifo, half back Patrick Phibbs and Edwards followed suit before Rocoko snuck one for the Blues. Timana got the fifth and now the Brumbies lie 5^th in the table with only the Chiefs to go in Hamilton!

The Chiefs nudged it 16-8 over the Hurricanes in an epic Test match, billed as the best game in the tournament and the fans knew it. The Hurricanes solid scrum and Nonu’s passing are still the talking point of the comp. Conrad Smith has always been the educationalist of rugby, with Corey Jane and David Smith adding the dimensions. However, they were mostly kicked into touch, literally, by the Donald’s and Kahui’s. Nonu’s pass to Cory found the time for it to be shipped to Smith for the opener, but Mils was keen to run it back at every opportunity and through a Mils, Kahui, and Siv attack someone busted through the 10/12 gap and touched down… but I can’t remember who!

So let’s move onto the Lion’s mauling of the Highlanders 27-22, where, on the whole it was the Earl Rose fuck-up show – he dropped it, he kicked it away, he took risky one man lineouts but then he did set up a good try for Louis Ludik. The rest was all good defence.

And lastly the Crusaders ousted a tired and limping Reds 32-12, with Isaac Ross sure to get a call up for the All Whites.

For this week fool says: Chiefs v Brumbies/ Lions v Tahs/ Blues v Crusaders/ Reds v Hurricanes/ Force v Highlanders/ Cheetah’s v Stormers and Sharks v Bulls – the Sharks and Bulls being the big one – and seriously, how did the Tah’s make it?

Top 14:

Round26:

Sorry, but going to have to give this another miss

Some Shorts:

Jerry Collins is off to Ospreys next season after a rather uneventful stint at Toulon – he should saddle up well with Marty Hollah and Ryan Jones.

Martin Cory retires this year from all rugby. The Leicester legend got himself 64 England caps, 14 as captain and 7 Lions caps.

David Young’s Baa Baa’s squad has been named to play England and Australia, and it’s pretty good, here’s what Jonno had to say; “The Barbarians squad that's been announced today is full of international experience and they will provide England with a very tough game on May 30 before we go onto play Argentina in a two test series,”

“The Barbarians match is one we're all looking forward to and I will be announcing a strong England squad on May 19 for all three games.” – They play Oz in Sydney on 6^th June

Barbarians squad to face England and Australia:

Backs: Iain Balshaw (Gloucester and England), Ben Blair (Cardiff Blues & New Zealand), Gordon D'Arcy (Leinster and Ireland), Peter Grant (Stormers and South Africa), Doug Howlett (Munster & New Zealand), Josh Lewsey (Wasps and England), Seilala Mapusua (London Irish & Samoa), Justin Marshall (Saracens and New Zealand), Luke McAllister (Sale Sharks and New Zealand), Geordan Murphy (Leicester Tigers & Ireland), Sonny Bill Williams (Toulon), Dimitri Yachvilli (Biarritz Olympique & France).

Forwards: Serge Betsen (Wasps & France), B J Botha (Ulster & South Africa), Schalk Brits (Stormers and South Africa), Sebastien Bruno (Sale Sharks & France), Jerry Collins (Toulon & New Zealand), Martin Corry (Leicester Tigers & England), Rocky Elsom (Leinster & Australia), Justin Harrison (Bath & Australia), Chris Jack (Saracens & New Zealand), Greg Somerville (Gloucester & New Zealand), Iestyn Thomas (Scarlets & Wales), Paul Tito (Cardiff Blues).

British & Irish Lions tour to MB-land:

The Lions first game is against Royal XV on 30^th May. The Royals made up from five provincial states on the Highveld are Leopards, Griquas, Valke, Pumas and Griffons, with the silliest names going to Egon Seconds, Pellow van der Westhuizan and Riaan Viljoen

Tom Shanklin’s out with a busted shoulder and Ben Blair is in, in place of busted ankle-man Thomas O’Leary – Geech insists on calling him Mike:

“Mike is an excellent addition to the British and Irish Lions squad. As a national captain he is well respected by his peers and his 58 tests for Scotland mark him as a very capable and experienced scrum-half.” – Is that Ben?

I’m done.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

More Free T-shirt’s: send in your starting Lions team - if it has 8 names the same as fool’s – you win! Still only one lucky winner so far – well done Mr. B. Patterson from Sarf East London.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

A big fat load of nothing this week except England’s first Test opening win since beating the Bangles in 2005! This time they beat the Windies by 10 wickets.

Ravi helped himself to another ton, new lad Onions peeled off a five-fer, but Graeme Swann was the talk of Lord’s with 63* and 6 wickets.

The man who plays guitar for Dr Comfort and the Lurid Revelations was best pleased about getting the Shiv again; “To get Chanderpaul first ball in the first innings was Roy of the Rovers stuff. Then I got him again on Friday and it was a ridiculous notion. We’re not allowed to think about the Ashes, but it’s at the back of my mind when I go to sleep.”

And everyone likes the new lad in charge Andy Flower, Colly said, “We’re forever on our toes and have to perform to stay in the team.” – Crikey, that’s not cricket.

Meanwhile Dilawar Hussain 28, no relation to Nasser or Sadam, plays for a side in Blackburn and went to Pakistan to buy £536 worth of bats, but when he received the shipment they were riddled with holes. Customs had drilled the solid willow to look for drugs, Dilawar said, “They are now useless. They will splinter in a few games. UK and Pakistani customs are blaming each other and Dilawar claims, “No one’s owning up to the gaffe.” – “The Electricity Board said, This has got nothing to do with us”!

That’s it.

Other sports:

Jensen Button won again – would you believe it? - This time in Spain, tallying his tally to 4 out of 5. The 29 year old said, “When it’s going well, it goes well. Last year, when it was going bad, it went really bad.” That’s right Jensen.

The Ham on the other hand isn’t happy with his motor; “It’s just a shame they haven’t given me a car to defend the championship with. The car is that bad. I’m driving the socks off but there is just no hope.” – The socks!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Prince Charles and Camilla went on a recent trip to East Berlin to open the Neues Museum. As a cultural treat two dancers were laid on clad only in one piece robes revealing gaping holes down the sides. As they wriggled and jiggled and gyrated in front HRH and her, they in turn, whispered and tittered as the wobbly bits and more were culturally aired. Sasha Waltz who put on the show said, “We wanted to give him something to remember. I thought the dresses looked beautiful.” –Yep, got you in the papers.

Saying that, 61% of the ladies are bedroom shy when it comes to revealing what they see as podgy tummies. Bums and breasty-dumplings are ok as too are the pins, but nearly two thirds admitted to avoid certain positions under the sheets to avoid detection. – If he gets out the flour then you’ll know.

One in three office workers want to hit a colleague. It’s National Office Week this week in the UK and 1000 of the buggers were put to the pen; the biggest gripe was old-uns working for younger bosses. Scots came out laziest, with 80% spending their time on the net instead of working and a third thought their job was pointless. – What a load of rubbish.

But if you thought that was rubbish – dismiss this; FuShitou is a Chinese man who has been married to Wei Jinhua for three years, that was until he found out that she was a he…with all the bits. She was arrested after they had a row and bizarrely she was strip searched. Fushitou said, “I can’t believe I didn’t know. But we never had sex. I just wanted someone to take care of me.” – The judge ruled that police should give her/him a short back and side’s haircut. – Damned ruthless those Chinese

Thats him

Staying in China and between them (Chinese) and some German engineers they managed to squeeze the new 5 door Porsche Panamera in a freight lift and yank it up to the 94^th floor of the Shanghai World Finance Centre – the world’s 3^rd largest building – so it just goes to show the building came first!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI!

Let’s get back to China and ex army general Guan Baihua has re-invented the wheel, but he’s made it triangular – damn clever those Chinese. The, obviously mad, man from eastern China calls it the Qindao. It has a pentagonal wheel at the front and a triangle one at the back with the notion of it being an exercise bike which makes you work harder, he said, “I just wanted to give people an alternative to normal boring bikes. It needs special skills; otherwise it’s hard to balance.” – Tomorrow he’s working on his glass hammer.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “The early bird may get the worm but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.”

Squeezing out of China and onto Taipei, a carpenter settled down to a porn film, ‘Affairs with Others Wives’ and realised it starred his ex wife shagging his best mate in a motel room, so he stabbed him in the thigh and is now expecting to get a six month jail sentence.

The new food fad in London is the South American Pepquino. It’s a direct copy of a melon but only an inch long (3cm in old money). A Dutch food company Koppert Cress producers the mini melon in greenhouses across Dutch-land and it goes for £10 a 250g box, which contains around 50. They’re knocking out between 50-100 boxes a week and Anneke Cuppen from the company said, “We’re very excited about this product. It is highly versatile and can be used in a variety of ways – from salads to dessert.” – ‘Oh darling, have you tried the Pepquino? They’re just to die for…’ – Food fad – my arse – get a pie down yer love…

Or even better a fish. A sarpa salpa fish to be exact. The type of bream contains LSD qualities and is usually found in warmer waters such as South Africa and the Mediterranean. A fisherman caught one recently six miles off the coast of Polypro, Cornwall while trawling for lemon sole and noticed it immediately by its golden stripes. The fish gets its hallucinogenic additives from the plankton it eats. It’s pretty rare but two cases recently in the south of France in 2006 included auditory hallucinations and nightmares for two days after. Andy Giles the fisherman said, “Perhaps I should have taken it into town to sell to some clubbers.” – If there’s going to be a food fad…

Women in Yorkshire and Newcastle have the biggest boobs in the UK with 35% a DD or bigger. Leicester are on 31% and Bristol 30%. London’s small fry with only 21%. Mind you, 4 out of 10 women with bigger boobs say it makes it harder to get men and two thirds can’t keep fit.

Toothpicks work just as fine as acupuncture according an American survey of 638 patients suffering with a bad back. If you’ve got a bad back like the fool does try these; listen to relaxing music for an hour a day – 21% of patients in the ‘toothpick’ clinic in Cleveland said it works, so does a herbal remedy called Devil’s Claw/ a soft mattress/ keep your computer screen at eye level/ and keep your shoulders in line with your hips when turning around, and don’t laugh at you own jokes – I didn’t make any – you never have – get off.

Lastly 75 year-old Nina M from Russia has just had a ‘designer vagina’ installed to help her sex life. Dr Ana Uzunova said, “Usually such requests are from much younger women. But she wanted to have an active sex life despite her age, so we agreed to do the operation and help her.” –Nina said, “I feel like a young woman again.” – Which kind of defeats the object!