productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

RAF Tornadoes were deployed this week to escort eight Russian bears away as they flew dangerously close towards British airspace.

In a spate of incidents dating back to May when the Tornado F3 Fighters were first launched to deter previous bear infringements, it has become an almost routine raid since Coco the dancing bear was culled in London earlier this year whilst on a tour of Europe.

Norwegian F-16 jet fighters were also dispatched to shepherd the bears out of International airspace from the Barents Sea and successfully helped them steer towards the Arctic ‘buffer zone', where Pola and Czech positions are said to be installed for defensive strategies. Lt. Col G. Locks said, "At first we thought there were only three, and not in our wildest dreams did we think they could fly." He went on to conclude that nothing is what it seems stating that, ‘bears no longer only shit in the woods.' - For a full report visit your local library - under the reference section.

In the meantime try your paws at these:

1. Can you name five different kinds of bear?

2. In world leadership terms, in which country did Baby succeed Papa?

3. In which war was the Battle of Bunker Hill?

4. Which bridge on the Thames is closest to the Tower of London?

5. What does karaoke mean?

6. In Morse code what letter is represented by one dot?

7. What instrument was played by Sherlock Holmes?

8. In what decade did France officially abandon the guillotine? A) 1980's B) 1960's C) 1950's

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - plus this week's free give-away coupon for ginger hair dye.

 WHO AM I? - Clue No.2 following No.1. No-one got clue No.1, although some were close and on the right lines - but here's a tangent for No.2, just to confuse the befuggles out of you, just like this sentence; "I once played a character that just didn't have the time!"

is it?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment (Like it all isn't!): Nike is the Greek deity for victory whilst the Roman's is Victoria!

But now peasants please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food - what more do you want? - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds - under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants...and did someone say party?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh September - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds. Couldn't get enough of those steaks last month - see what's on offer this month.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in their rugby world cup t-shirt collection in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now - something for the weekend?

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Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger's clearly in the know on this subject as he heads ever leapful and boundardly into finals week 2. - Got your ticket for the Grand Final on 29^th September yet?

*Trigger's gonna tell you the way it is in this week's Down Under gee gee's. Is the quarantine over?

*Tit-bits - for the love of God, there are not tits - its tit-bits and that's not bits of them. But there are some of the funniest jokes on there that I've heard in a long while.*Grub - Up is still serving Cameron Diaz' lips on the side, whilst *Fishman's got a bite - I know, he said that last week, but as sure as eggs are eggs I bet you won't believe its not butter! And *Bongo Massif Bro's are just tweaking that last... oh hang-on...I think they're just about ready...

Mr. Meaner...must be around here somewhere...

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

Rugby World Cup week one, and for some the gloves are off and for others they'd wish they'd hadn't bought a scarf that was too tight!

For some teams you'd be right in thinking that all the hullabaloo is ripe for picking pungent raspberry's but as the games go on so does the heat, and with it shall come the clarity of mud, thus all shall be revealed in the wash!!!

Confused? Exactly.

Yes, the Argies did beat a horribly inadequate French side by 17-12, who never looked liked tying their shoe laces let alone knock off a win - that was until Chabal came on. But as ‘bloke down the pub who never stops talking' tells us constantly that the Pumas are Le Cocks bogey side, having now lost 5 encounters out of 6.

French skipper Raphael Ibanez was more down to earth, "It's a massive disappointment. At least we got a losing point." Whereas Argie skipper was away with the fairies, "World champions? We can always dream and I love to dream." - I had a dream once...

Moving swiftly onto New Zealand's rout over Italy 76-14, it was confusing to work out if New Zealand were actually that explosively good or Italy had fallen back to their 1927 standards of 16 gears in reverse!

But credit must go to where credit must go and N.Z. looked nothing other than excellent, prompting their coach to diagnose their single biggest attribute, "We made very good decisions with the ball but it was much more competition out there than the scoreline suggests." - Yeah, must have been terrible!

Onto the next public flogging and that came from a late flurry of 13 tries from the Aussies over Japan 91-3! And yes it was a late flurry, it was 23-3 at half time, causing John Kirwin to be all together quite buoyant with his Japanese side, "We played our game, got off the defensive line and made our tackles, we put them under pressure and that was the most pleasing thing for me." - In reality they kicked away possession, missed 63 tackles and were trounced in the second half.

The Wallabies did look good, but again it's hard to tell, and we can rely only on Connolly's comments in the build up to the tournament when he said, "I don't mind a challenge, and they don't come bigger than the World Cup." - Were Japan a challenge?

If those games were entertaining the next was a cracker - 28-10 to England v USofA, yep, the Eagles, the Statesiders, the team with the big fat prop called Matekitonga Moeabiola who plays for Park City Haggis and who touched down in the second half, effectively levelling that half 7-7!

England's ‘B'/ ‘C' team plays them every year in the Churchill Cup and wins by 50 or 60 points or more. So what went wrong? Everything. We waited for them, like other ‘big' teams before who had played the minnows, to come out blazing; instead they got their captain Vickery to trip them up.

Some snippets of fine play by the fella Barkley does not hide the shame of an altogether comically bad game of rugby. As Vickery said, "The changing room, it was like a funeral in there. This performance was not acceptable by our standards, and we have to accept the criticism that will come our way, as per normal." - Love that, ‘as per normal.'

Ok. Wales had a torrid opening half against the Cannucks and were 17-9 down after only 12 minutes. Gareth Jenkins their coach was quick to surmise a game which most definitely had two halves, "That did not look good when Morgan Williams (He's Canada's captain by the way) scored their third try and it's fair to say we were very disappointed with our performance up to that point. In the end we got the win and half a performance, so it is a decent platform to build on." - Indeed, they got five tries in 16 minutes and glid home (spell check's telling me glid aint a word but fuck it), they glid home, glided, glode, gladdled home 42-19...wasn't it...isn't it?

South Africa hit up the Samoans next, eventually winning 59-7 (Am sure of that); with ‘Coca' Habana nicking four tries, causing his boss Jake White to say, "He's a special, special player no doubt." - He's crafty, that's for sure.

As expected the islanders hit hard early on and looked liked upsetting anyone, then got bored with it and lazed in the sun, as Schalk ‘no onions' Burger says, "The Samoans were tired after a fantastic beginning." - Cha man, wear a grass skirt and take the wait off your flowers!

Next was Scotland's 56-10 win over Los Lobos, who really are not bad. Big Frank Hadden shared his opinion with us, "It wasn't a tremendous performance but it was our first game and we managed to start with a win. We certainly expect to get better for the next game." - Oche aye...dunno!

And Ireland's 33-10 win, was it? Over Namibia was almost as embarrassing as England's day out. I can only tell you what Eddie O'Sullivan said of B.O.D. before the game, "It's great to have him back as captain so quickly. He means a lot to them." - Yes and they can thank their lucky stars that he scored a superb solo try.

News in on the Argentinean v Georgia game is that the Pumas won, just, in the second half, 33-3. But Georgian captain Llia Zedginidze was not despondent, he said, "It's our objective to do our best and give the best performances we can." - Well said Llia, and how many times have we seen the word performance so far?

USofA v Tonga: still haven't found out that bloody result. It was 25-15 to Tonga you idiot - thanks

Games to watch over the weekend:

South Africa v England: and England's recent problem has been players doing themselves in whilst training on their own! First Sgt. Wilko tripped and sprained his ankle, now Barkley was off jogging on his own and strained a muscle in his hip, prompting Ashton to remark, "You see guys on the ground with 10 people kicking the hell out of them and they get up, fine. But seeing someone jogging alone makes you anxious." - It's a tough game.

But Ashton says England will be ready and that, "Playing against the green and gold of the Springboks sharpens the senses." - Hmmm, one game soon they should be reminded of the fact that they're in a World Cup...surely.

Sorry to harp on here, but is a really big game and England have lost their captain and all their fly halves and goal kickers and Dally isn't even in the 22! Farrell, who the fool has always backed, goes into No.10 and the last time he kicked a ball was on the 8^th October 2004 for Wigan!

Martin Corry steps in as skipper, and not as expected Catt, who apparently has too much to do running the midfield...where was I? Yes, and an insider said of the Corry, "The players respect Martin, who leads as he always does - from the front and with his chin stuck out." - Desperate Dan does too. Go the chin.

Wales play Australia in another crunch at the old Cardiff Arms Park, which is no longer and has moved to the new gay stadium of the Millennium! And Wales will put up a fantastic fight but will ultimately get smashed - as too will England in the other game...nope, change of plan...England and Wales will win - I don't do football but there's some results going on there if you follow me...ahem, or not!

World cup shorts:

i'm quite short

Fat Matt Dunning and Lotto winner Tuqiri got let off their midnight curfew after the first bloody game - what kind of curfew was that? Here's a curfew, but no, fuck it we won't adhere to it! As the team were allowed out on the piss in Montpellier, Lote was wise to say, "I'll have a chat with ‘Knuckles about it." - ‘Aye, sure Lote and make sure you have plenty of sniff and smash up a copper too while you're at it.'

We'd better move on:

Biggest disappointment: putting vinegar on ready salted crisps - it doesn't work.

Biggest idiot: USofA's Paul Emerick for getting cited and a probable 5 week ban for a late tackle on Barkley after Vickery only got two weeks for kicking him. Err and fool for picking England to win the whole bloody thing...but I'm sticking to my guns.

Bloke to watch this weekend: England's Paul Sackey and Australia's Berrick Barnes - if he gets a run.

Biggest confusing comment: Yank commander Peter Thorborn; "You can get paralysis by analysis. It's not bad to have fear of the opposition, not of them physically, but of what they could do if you gave them latitude."

The odds: The fool is still going for England - yeah, I know, it's like Asafa Powell, who's not on form, breaking his own world record again!

Some off the cup shorts:  none

Johnno's best ever world XV: The back row; No. 6. Richard Hill. No.7. Michael Jones. No. 8. Wayne Shelford.

Other Results: none

End rugby here before gregan gets arrested again...

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

And before we get onto yet another world cup that's going on in world cup month September, let's rewind back to the weekend and view England's ODI series win 4-3 over India.

They knocked India's total of 187 all out in 47.3 overs in 188-3 in 36.3. Flints was a bomber on the bowling and took out all the big guns in Sachin, Dravid and MS Dhoni kebab with his 90mph hurlers.

Fred is still in a bit of trouble though with his ankle and Moores says of it, "The specialist says, strapping and braces are not an exact science. It's a case of what feels right for Fred when he bowls." - Thanks specialist...you fuckwit!

Monty, in the meantime, is in love with Sachin and says, "Sachin was brilliant in that innings - he really is a genius." - Told ya!

oh sachin

But, onto World Cup No. Zillion in September and Chris Gayle got off to a 117 top score in the world so far for the Windies then his team mates let him down and they lost to the ‘Is-its' - Herschelle Gibbs did it for them.

herschelle

Freddie says he didn't fall off the pedalo; he was trying to get on it! - Eh, what, where'd that come from?

England's Darren Maddy was the first bloke to get 1000 runs in Twenty20 and was pretty nonchalant about it, "The reason I've had so much success is probably the lack of thought that has gone into it. I've tried to enjoy myself and take batting to its simplest form - watch the ball and hit it." - How can you go wrong!

You can go wrong by not hitting it, which is what Australia did against the Bangles in 2005 and now have surpassed that effort by losing to Zim, in the last over I may add, 12 runs to get, Nathan Bracken bowling...yes, believe the fool, they lost!

Punts wasn't happy, he hasn't been happy with his batsmen at all in practise and said so, "We feel embarrassed and so we should." He went on, "It's a mental thing for us, we have to start respecting this format of the game a bit more and thinking about what we have to do better. There are no excuses. We were very poor." - Get off and milk it.

Zim skip, Prosper Utseya on the other hand was over the moon, "Words cannot describe how I feel about this win." - Good, then I won't have to write them - save ink!

In other games Mark Gillespie beat Kenya for New Zealand and the Scots lost by 51 to the Paki's

Till next week...

Other sports:

Asafa Powell broke his own world record again, this time jogging across the line in 9.74secs. He stated, "That's what happens when I listen to my coach." And, "This means I can do 9.68." - Yeah mate, don't listen to everything he says.

Joe Calzaghe is up and gunning for his fight with WBC and WBA super middle weight champ Dane, Mikkel Kessler. He says, "This is the fight I've wanted above all others. When I've beaten Kessler it will help extend my legacy." He also reckons, "This bout is the biggest buzz of my career. It's better than any drink or drugs - not that I've taken any." - Take this man to the lab Chief. - The fight's not till November, so stay seated please.

Alonso won in Monza and the Ham came in second and Gonzo didn't race - eh! The Ham was happy for them both and hammed it up, just a bit, "To get a 1-2 in qualifying and to maintain that in the race is the icing on the cake. The team have done a fantastic job." - That's enough Lewis, you're only three points ahead with four races to go. And you might get kicked out for spying yet.

And now it's time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

Ok, I've had my dinner and a cup of tea and now I'm back...or am I? - Shut up. - Right ho.

Dr Carl Landhuis of Otago University New Zealand surveyed 1000 5-15 year-old's and concluded that, "Those who watched more than two hours of T.V. a day had above average attention problems in adolescence." - How does he know, he only interviewed 5-15-year-old's!

A cop in Union City, Georgia USofA has taken 19-year-old Kadrina Bull who works in a very famous burger joint, - Wimpey? - No, Burger King? Ugh ugh, the other one - argh Happy Jack's? No - Tony's? - Happy Tony's? - Happy Tony boloni's? - (Ed, enough), He's taking her to court because his burger was too salty. The case against her was, ‘Without regards to the well being of anyone who might consume it.' Kadrina is defending herself and said, "If it was too salty why didn't he take one bite and throw it away?" - Because there's starving children in Africa Kadrina, that's why, get a grip!

A poll in Britain by More mag has calculated that most men prefer women with a small waist and a big bum. They also like big boobs and a big bum. Only 6% are keen on skinny birds. Only 3% would like to see Victoria Beckham in the nud, which is a fair call, but tits are tits! 90% like curves a.k.a. Beyonce - one big curve. And 35% like a rounded tummy - just like the fool. Only 1 in 10 are turned off by love handles and 16% will tolerate flat chests and stretch marks. Editor of the rag Lisa Smosanski (Made up name), said, "Some men feel intimidated by women with super bodies. It's time they did themselves a favour and relaxed." - When you wanna suck it do, relax don't do it, when you wanna come. Why did that song get banned?

boobs

The world's first petrol station for women opened in Karbkroma in Sweden on Tuesday.

In another survey it was revealed that 60% of women could avoid breast pain whilst exercising if a new kind of bra were to be invented. - Thanks for that.

Luciano Pavarotti died last week. He was a fat bloke who liked to sing a lot. He once pulled in at 180kg! He sang that football song for the Italy world cup in ‘90', what was it...aria Nessum Dorma. I'm not that good at it, but it goes something like this...

A man fell into a cesspool this week. He couldn't swim but he went through the motions.

Tootsie is a man Shetland pony, who for 12 years has thought it was a female. He's what scientists call an hermaphrodite - with both bits - He, who has now firmly been established as a he, has retired to the Brusks Home of Retirement for Horses in Lincoln UK. He shares a pad with a donkey called Derrick - which is nice.

Rock n roll's crazy capes part III: Led Zeppelin, Seattle 1969; and when John Bonham was fishing from his hotel room window he reputedly caught a couple of sharks and hung them in his bedroom window, where it was widely known that later the groupies had sex with them. Year's later road Manager cleared up a few points to the matter; a) "It wasn't a shark, it was a red snapper. B) "And it wasn't some big ritualistic thing; it was in and out and a laugh and the girl wasn't sobbing - she was a willing participant." - Rock and roll!

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.7: Guy goes into the doctor's, "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Mad Madge Madonna is off to Israel for a bit of Kabbalah - the Jewish New Year. A couple of other Hollywood pals, who aren't Scientologists, will be there too, like Demi crap Moore. But Madge is going with hubby Guy and the kids, Lourdes, Rocco and David...David...what kind of name is that. Anyway, they'll be doing a bit of a clinic type thing, lessons, studies, site seeing, mind-washing...but Rabbi Yitzhak Kadouri has warned, that, "Non-Jews and women are banned from studying Jewish mysticism." - Which kind of puts a dampener on their holiday.

that would put a dampener on things

Japanese boffs have found out that onions are good for memory loss - not providing it but combating it - the antioxidants flush harmful toxins out of the brain. But don't over cook them. Keep them on a low heat. Alexander the Great also gave them to his troops to improve vitality - just like Chum for dogs. Know your onions.

know your onions

The Governor of Ulyanovsk in Russia introduced a new bank holiday on Tuesday and told people to stay at home and work on making babies as he wants to increase the population, which we thought here in fool -land was very civil of him.

wank holiday

Ok, lastly, Paul Rudge is the new World Black pudding Throwing Champion. He knocked over the most Yorkshire puddings in the annual contest.

Just how many of your office chairs still have bits of the plastic wrapping sticking out of somewhere?

just cf it

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