Crazy Fool's Newsround - 7-13th March 08 volume 274 part II

7-13th March 08 volume 274 part II
March, 14th 2008 23:43 PM

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

85% of British men are big on bonking in the great open outdoors, but only 64% of women are. So who are the extra 19% bonking?

77% of men and women enjoy a playful spank, whilst 70% of women are akin to being tied up. Three quarters of men are keen for it in the office where only 50% of women like hiding the sausage at work.

And hardly any are up for some pole dancing at home – sorry Jamie Lee!

Radhakant Bajpa is 50 and has been growing his ear hair for 49 years. It is now officially the longest in the world at 5.2inches. Radhakant from Naya Ganj in Utter Pradesh, north India, proudly said, “Making it in to the Guinness Book of World Records is a special occasion for me and my family. God has been very kind to me.” – Well done Rad, the fool salutes you and is very proud of you.

Aussie mag New Idea has apologized to Prince Harry and all the service men and women serving in Afghanistan for blowing the cover and the media embargo of his tour of duty, which had to be cut after only 10 weeks, by saying, “We are sorry to the servicemen and family and loved ones.” However, they did make a million bucks overnight.

cf's book club

Until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 – 12:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes – to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous – Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans – fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson – cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

Week 11: Dispatches by Michael Herr – a war correspondents scribbles in the Vietnam/American war. A real insight. Rated at 3

Week 12: If I die in a Combat Zone by Tim O’Brien – another Nam yarn, but it does carry your woes into a levelled perspective. – rated 3.

The Ratings go as thus:

1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Charly is the oldest Rhinoceros in captivity in the world at 50 and lives in Serengeti-Park in Hoddenhagin in Germany, which is why he has no ‘e’ in his name, and this has nothing to do with dinosaurs!

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXV: After Jim Morrison exposed himself on stage in Miami in ‘69’ he was charged with indecent exposure, lewd behaviour, and profanity and public drunkenness. When asked why he did it he said, “I don’t remember, I was too drunk.” – He was found not guilty of public drunkenness!

The average couple spends 25 years in bed but only notches up two months of sex. They’ll sleep for 18 years and 10 months and spend the rest of the time, talking, watching TV or reading. In fact they’ll spend 28 minutes a night talking, 19 minutes watching TV, 16 minutes reading and only 35 minutes a week doing it. – That’s because they’re all outside.

People over 50 feel 12 years younger these days, which would only just about be acceptable if you were 30. However, folk in their 40’s only feel 6 years younger, which is just getting all too confusing.

Half the men say it’s their hobbies that keep them young and a third recommend their partner – perhaps I should re-phrase that! Women find youth in their diets and pets…re-phrase that too!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Singer Robbie Williams says he believes in UFO’s and ghosts and said he saw his first UFO as a kid back in Blighty, the second in Beverley Hills and the third on his balcony whilst writing a song about UFO’s, which was handy, and probably very inspirational. He said, “People will think I’m mental, which I am.” – And he is.

David Walliams who is not the only gay in the village and James Cracknell who is an Olympic gold medal rower have just swum the 12 mile Straits of Gibraltar in 4hours 36minutes. All for Sports Relief mate.

Not a bad feat in one of the world’s busiest shipping routes, but how’s this; James had already rowed across the English Channel and cycled the 1,395 miles down through France and Spain, in what was called the Cross-Continent Challenge.

He said, “I’ve managed to burn an incredible 60,000 calories and slept just 50 hours in the last 10 days. I’ve also spent 108 hours in the saddle.” – Well there’s no need to go on about is there – I mean, it’s not like we asked him to do it. Yeah, just shut up mate won’t you, just shut up about it. We don’t care.

He continued to harp, “Words cannot express how satisfied, pleased, overwhelmed and exhausted I am now it’s all over.” – There he goes again…enough already James…can it. Some people.

Michael Jackson and family (bro’s and sis’) are moving to just outside Barnstaple, Devon UK – bang goes the neighbourhood.

And lastly Chinese mystic Hi Tichey, which is a contradiction in words, is dubbed the ‘Fire God’ and he can set fire to stuff using only the power of his mind. And a technique called Qigong, which all about ‘channelling psychoneumatological force’. And his party trick is cooking fish in his hands. He does it on stage and the 7000 audience were all in agreement that they saw the fish change colour and saw smoke all within a minute. He, for it is his name, said, “I once cooked a carp that belted a gas range out of 1000°C.”

And that concludes that the Chinese are indeed the biggest liars on the planet. – Invented gunpowder my arse.