productions presents

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: The UK, 0900hrs; It's assembly at the 'St. Elizabeth of Aluisha Pembrokeshire High Watchya Alright Catholic School for Girls & Boys; No Jews', except Joshua, because he's dad's the burser, therefore the teacher's get skiing holidays in St. Marritz as opposed to the stinking pissy yellow stained snow of the vodka fog filled mountains of Andorra, which was what used to happen when Mary's O'Malley's father was behind the purse strings. (The children still go to Andorra.)

Sister Elizabeth is explaining the virtues of Christmas to the school, who's enrollment is 98% immigrant from the neighbouring county of Brokeshire, which had to close after it went bust due to widespread foot and mouth, whereupon total evacuation was necessary. It has since been levelled and is rumoured to be turned into a treasure cove of tranquility and opportunity (Minus skull and cross bone signs) for any immigrants thinking of 'bunking ship' from Eastern Europe.

The cloned children, dressed in traditional nativity garb of Red Cross blankets and blue and red chequered tea cloths are gathered into sets of three, with the little squirty gay boys taking over as the baby Jesus' and Mary's if there aren't enough girls to go round. Shepherding them are two sheep, one ox, three wise men; one in a taxi, and one in a car and one on his scooter beeping his hooter tra la la la la la, and an Inn keeper who has a rather large schnoz protruding from under a pair of ski goggles who's constantly singing, 'If I were  a rich man...yabba yabba yabb yabba yabba yabba yabba ya...'

Sister Elizabeth is just finishing the story...

Sister Elizabeth: ...and lo a child was born and that child was our Lord Jesus Christ and 33 years later, at a pleasant time of the year called Easter, just as the little fluffy chicks hatch, the Jews nailed him up. Amen and a merry fooltide to you all, except you.

fool: (Dressed as a sheep) Merry Christmas guvnor!

Narrator: Moving fool, very moving.Let's role the quiz before there's a riot:

1. What does Nativity mean?

2. Where in your body is your scapula?

3. Who had hits with God Save The Queen and C'Mon Everybody?

4. In the film Mary Poppins, Mary said she would stay until what changed?

5. What was the former name of Belize?

6. What is decathalon champion Daley Thompson's first name?

7. A Turk's Head is a type of what?

8. In the famous equation E = mc², what is c? A) Carbon B) Speed of light C) Atom

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - Yep, they were there last week - courtesy of el Marc - muchos grandos me olde salt n pepper pot yer - and remember, if you've got something to say to fool then contact him direct on the contacts page up top or go straight to here:  cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

 WHO AM I?   With an amazing blood rush to the head the Dracule fella has clawed his way back to a 3-1 deficit, with a correct answer to last week's, which was of course: Geronimo - a bunch of grapes to you sir. And so the season rocks on and only a handful of fruit is now required by the biddding pair in order to take home that one and only Carmen Miranda's hat. To this week's clue, it's like batman eh, To the bat cave, da na na nan ana anannnnnnnnaaaa - ARSE! - Clue No.1: 'A popular black fella I was at this time of year, who sang a song about a rather bizarre maternity phenominum.'

Look out for extra quiz questions this for that extra bit of fruit!

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Proverbially, You Can't

...have it both ways

...have your cake and eat it

...get blood out of a stone

...make an omelette without breaking eggs

...make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

...run with the hare and hunt with the hounds

...teach an old dog new tricks

...tell a book by its cover

...shake hands with a clenched fist

...tell which way the train went, by looking at the track

...ten more next week...

fool's Gold

The world's largest meat pie was shared by 50,000 people at Denby Dale in Yorkshire 2000.

The poet William Wordsworth could only sleep standing up.

There are no female speaking parts in the whole of the film Lawrence of Arabia.

Wordman's word of the week:

It's English and it's: Deipnosophist, which means a good conversationalist at meals. Which definitely isn't the fool as he most certainly will not talk to you whilst he's eating and he hates to watch other people eat - all that chewing, the sound of lips slapping anf food being guzzled down...he don't like other peoples feet either.

And now, those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and well, Mojo Webb - blues and coconuts! Just look at this...p.s. Have they finished now?!

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh December - cometh the Turkey, Vietnamese turkey, goose, duck and ham - 'We're gonna need a bigger boat!'  *classifieds.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger; keeping his fans happy for 262 editions. And would you Adam and Eve it - another bona fide technical glitch last week, - should, should, should be back in the fold this week. (Ed. Apologise again then) - Xin loi!

*Trigger is in the mood for you to double your money and try to get rich. Take a, take a, take a chance on him - remember, you've got to be in it to win it.

*Tit-bits - A lobster fisherman from Maine and This equation should...,

*Grub-Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips - so till quieter times when fool has the space and time - eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile

*Fishman - is gearing towards a bumper fishing season down on the Island - check out his fishing trips, especially a recent one on his page - see menu on left - *On The Pond.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - are you gonna make some noise?

Mr. Meaner...Where did it go wrong?

But now it's ruggerflyby; and just what did happen this week?

7's up, Heineken Cup and potential balls ups on the rugby circuit this week - what's it got? - It's got the lot.

First up; the IRB World 7's -  this the shorterned game, not for midgets but 7 players.

And down on George's pitch in Murdering Bastard land - good bloke that George; the New Zealanders won their 4^th consecutive title on his land and made it two out of two tournaments out of the first two tournaments this season - savvy? Good.

They beat Fiji 34-7, and their (NZ) coach, who has been there since 19 O'Chocolate, Gordon Tietjens was full of praise for his young guns, who were riddled with injuries, he choked, "It was totally unexpected to win this one, but the young guys who came in did the job for me and I can't ask for more than that." - That means he won't bother asking them to win in Wellington this weekend then.

For your info Kenya beat the good ole US of A in the plate 15-14. Wales beat England in the bowl 21-19 and Canada beat Zimbabwe 31-14 in the Shield. And Mugabe's still a cunt.

Back in the land of Dick the Lion Heart, Cambridge beat Oxford 22-16 in the 126^th Varsity match. Aussie legend Joe Roff bowed out of rugby as the losing captain, but was pleased with his lot, he mused (University speak), "It (The Varsity game) still retains everything that is good about rugby." - How does an Aussie get into an English elite school, I ask you!

As mentioned last week, the Varsity is held on a Thursday as opposed to the usual Tuesday because the tits in the 'City' now call 'Thursday the new Friday' - Oh la de bloody la.

Also, as mentioned last week; the first game was in 1872, which was the same year when the Mary Celeste was found drifting off the coast of the Azores - no connection what so ever, but interesting...I think.

But anyway, off to the Heineken Cup, and Leinster beat Edinburgh in Dublin in an absolute windswept running fest cracker 28-14 and that's all you need to know.

Whilst practically every club in Europe played in the wind, rain and mud, and I mean real mud, Somme mud, hippo wallo, follow me, glorious mud, Clermont Auvergne and Wasps managed to find some turf.

Clermont won this one - 37-27 and in doing so, with help from a dubious last minute touchdown; which clearly wasn't, they denied the Londoners a losing point thus edging them clear in their pool. As Dally remarked, "We now have to do the business next week." - And we all know his business...don't we...?

Clermont's skipper Aurelieu Rogerie was ecstatic, but grounded, "For us, the symbol of beating the European Champions is fantastic. But we also need to keep our feet on the ground." - Symbol?

And we'll leave the HC with another fine win from Leicester over Toulouse 14-9. This was a true mud battle, and heavily reliant on the forward grunt. - Who dropped one!

Leicester's No.8, a young and up and coming lad by the name of Jordan Crane summed it up, "We got out there and dogged it out." - Do the dog, not the donkey.

Leicester's Aaron 'not presley' Mauger played his full Heineken Cup game, as did fellow sheep shagger Byron 'Not a poet' Kelleher for Toulouse, and he (Byron) echoed Jordan's thoughts, "Our lineout was dominated and their forwards competed very well against ours." - Rugby in the freezing mud - a forward battle - corr, just like the old days eh.

I'll just sign off from the HC by telling you that the Spanish Clubs are loving its second tier comp, The European Cup. And although their top club El Salvador from the Vallodid region are getting thumped by everyone from Newcastle Falcons to Brive recently 71-0 - they are loving it. - There, said.

Onto the potential 'balls up' section and despite cries from every old fart in Aus and Graham Henry's own criticisms, Robbie Deans looks very likely to take over the top Wallaby job.

The players love him and can't wait for him to step in. Latham himself had his own dig at the farts; "I've heard a lot over the years that there are always a lot of politics in rugby and unfortunately sometimes the best man does not get the job - sometimes it doesn't pay to be the best bloke." - Nobody said it was going to be easy.

Graham Henry, who himself has been given another 2-year stretch at the helm of the Kiwi sheep - and rightly so by the way, I mean; 4 Bledisloes, 3 Tri Nations, a B & I Lions white wash, a European Grand Slam and unbeaten in Europe for four seasons...until the French ripped them apart again a few months ago! - I mean the old codger deserves another slogg...doesn't he?

But even he is suggesting Deans isn't up to the Aussie job or any International job, and that if he wants the Kiwi job he should stick around in Kiwi land and ply his trade further as an apprentice...basically to him. - Old cunt.

But Deans is having none of it; "I believe I've done my apprenticeship, an 11-year apprenticeship which includes time at this level and as I alluded to before the game is about the game and the people within it and I'm hugely passionate about the game." - Shit, I hope he doesn't give any team talks - alluded?

p.s. Ashton seems very likely to stay at England's wheel. And good ole Sgt. Wilko wants him there too. Mind you, he's (Wilko) not happy with his club, Newcastle Falcons, after they sacked physio and his mate Steve Black. - Didn't he run the 400m's?

Rumours are that he'll quit his £250k job at the end of the season and probably head to a number of French clubs that are baying for him - double his money too - Stade Francais, Brive, Toulouse...

Apart from the people being cunts, France is beautiful - and that's one of those words that took me many years to spell, along with business and ameteur.

It's (France) the third largest country in Europe behind Russia and the Ukraine, and only has 60m people in it - the same as the UK. It has 552 thousand square kilometres  compared to England's 130k (UK = 241,857sq km's). And there are no salary caps in Frog rugby. - Noon and Tait will probably leave too.

Jeff Probyn says Jonny should move to Saracens because they've got loads of money - fool's still got a dinner shirt from Jeff, signed to Saigon RFC's youth team!

Talking of cash and clubs and to round up here, because I'm bored; out going IRB Chairman Syd Miller (Gotta love that name) is concerned about the the Jonny Foreigners coming into England's and Europe's game, where he says, "You have an example of England's soccer team. It's a huge problem and you've got to be very careful. What would happen if Russian millionaires started to invest in rugby? It has happened."

"We're fortunate that most of the owners are rugby people, who like the game not purely for financial reasons, while some of these Americans and Russians (Who have bought the Premiership football clubs). That is the danger - the threat is there."

In-coming IRB Chairman is Bernard Lapasset - (gotta love that name.)

According to the ad, what helps you work, rest and play?

It's out there folks...

 John Smit's bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - :

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. 8. Braveheart 7. 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: London Irish 24-16 Perpignon. Ospreys 48-17 Ulster. Stade Francais 12-6 Cardiff Blues. Glasgow Warriors 9-6 Biarritz. Munster 29-16 Llanelli Scarletts. Dragons 35-33 Trevisio. Bristol 17-3 Quinns

EDF Energy Cup: Blackheath 23-3 Paignton

France; Pro D2 7eme Journee:  Narbonne 8-20 Beziers

Ireland's AIB level 1:  Garryowen 19-5 Dungannon

Italy; Siera A X giornata:  Consaig I Cavaliera Prata 11-10 Termoraggi Pianceza

Japan Top League: Kobe Kobelco Stealers 27-18 Coca Cola Red Sparks

Scotland's premiership: Currie 26-10 Heriots

Spain's Division de Honour - 9º Jornado: Buin Pozuelo Boadilla 18-11 Spyro Bera Bera

Wales: Mud and rain again.

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Not a lot this week, as fool's little old brain has been busy, but what I have got are some records, which bloke down the pub says are a crock of shit.

Record No.1: Kumar 'At No.42' Sangakkara is officially the the top Test batsman in the world and not as you'd like to think the Punts. He secured it with 150 runs in four consecutive Tests.

He of course plays for the Lanks, and they won the first Test against England in Kandy, but only just, and it was a good battle. Matt Prior the wicket keeper did well with the bat to hang in before hanging out on 63, he muttered afterwards, "I take a lot from batting for so long in the pressure situation of trying to save a match on the fifth day against the best spinner ever." - Prior to Matt was Bell on 70 odd - ding dong!

Record No.2: Murali is on loads of wickets 700-odd - bloke down the pub says he's first 200 don't count.

On day one of the the second Test, which started last Sunday KP was given out from a dubious catch which to be fair was touch and go, but as his skipper Vaughany said after KP was told to go, twice; "Kevin should have acepted the decision. That's the game. Once you're given out, you walk off. But when you have been given out and the ball has bounced, it's hard to take." - So are the Lanks records according to bloke down the pub.

Record No.4: Mahela 'Drive' Jayawardene notched up his 20^th Test ton with a 4^th day 167* - sorry don't know what he finished on, but by doing the 167* he made the most Test runs runs on a single ground surpassing Graham Gooch's 2,015 at Lords (Not in one sitting!).

Nb* Mahela once hit 374 v S.A.

Helping Mahela on the way was Michael Vadant with 138, and the Lanks on 379-4, as England's boss Peter Moores said, "It was a tough day for us, no doubt." - Yes, no, doubt.

The Barmy Army still sore from day one continued to sing their version of the 12 days of Christmas with 'two cheating umpires.'

Not sure of the result but it is/was tight, both Cook and Vaughan notched up 80's, and at the close of day 4 were 48-0 and 150 behind.

Records No's 5, 6 and 7: Sri Lanka hold the team totals for Tests, ODI's and the Twenty20.

Fact: There's a big fat maybe that cricket will be back in the Olympics. The last time was when GB beat France in 1900.

Quiz question: 'She cries oh girl you must be mad, what happened to the sweet little thing that we had...' - Line from what song and who sang it?

Till next week...

Other sports:

Ricky and Floyd had real good old fashioned fight tlast Sunday and tall bloke down the pub said it was his sporting highlight of the year.

From when the thousands of travelling Brits booed the US anthem Ricky was always on the proverbial back foot so to speak, although it was him always going forward, nevertheless always getting pinged by a very class act in the Mayweather fella.

is it me?

Floyd said after, "I've done what I had to do in the sport. I've accomplished what I had to accomplish, now it's time for me to be a promoter. I have nothing else to prove." - Try being a decent bloke.

To be honest Ricky was only ahead on one round in fool's book and that was the fifth. When he got docked a point in the sixth it was technically all over for him. He had to come out fighting and he thought he had the tools to do the job; "I thought I had a great chance and all the tools with which to do it. But Floyd was outstanding. He always knew I could fight and now I know he can fucking fight. I take my hat off to him." - Then he put his Hatton - groan.

Floyd, for once was almost gracious and said after, "Ricky has the heart of a lion and is as tough as nails but, once I saw I could hurt him I knew I could do it. I heard his corner shouting, 'get him, get him', and I thought to myself, 'you aint gonna get anyone tonight, baby.' At no time did I have any concern." - See, he spoilt it all in that last sentence - cunt!

Ricky got caught in the more haste less speed syndrome and was knocked head first into the corner post by a walloping left 'check out' but was phylisophical about it; "When I was lying there on the canvas, I felt a bit of a mug for getting caught the way I did. Before I thought shit, come on fatty, put your foot down and raise the pace, but I put it down too much.' - You said it mate.

Let's move on...

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

10,000 women took a poll in 50 different counries and came up with German men being the worst lovers, as they are selfish. 2^nd were the Swedish who are too quick. 3^rd Holland - too rough. 4^th Yanks - too demanding. 5^th Welsh - too soppy. 6^th Scottish - too loud. 7^th Turks - too sweaty. Best were the Iti's and French - don't believe a word of it.

Maths genius Alexis Lamaire 27 has just broken his own record for mentally calculating the 13^th root of a random 200 digit number. He did it in 70.2 seconds, smashing his previous of 72.4sec set in November. The answer is 2,407, 899, 893, 032, 210. There, that was plucked from a possible 393 trillion answers. Curator of Mathematics at the London Science Museum where he did it said, "He sat down and it was all quiet, and all of a sudden he amazingly cracked it." - What an absolutely thrilling like that curator has! And I ask you, was Robert Crowe really the best person to cast in that maths film?

seeing stars

Car compay Toyata has built a Ro-Bot that can play Elgars Pomp and Circumstance perfectly on the violin. But that was not what it was made for - damn. Apparrently the 5ft metal thing, which has 17 joints in its hands and arms will be used to help the aged in homes and medical care. - They'll just get it to play the piano and have a knees up.

An 81 year-old bottle of single malt, Macallan Vintage 1926 sold in NY's Christies for £27k.

cf's book club has inadvertantly been adding a book a week, but then I suppose that's what it's all about. So until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 - 4: Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog  in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! - rating: 4. Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty - If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas shoud have written this - rated in at 5. For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann - rated at 3 and curiously enough 4. And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobigraphy; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

The Ratings go as thus:

1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

David Leggat 55 got stuck in a freezing toilet in the Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club Aberdeen for FOUR days! He was in darkness for 16 hours a day and drank tap water and dipped his feet in hot water. He explained, "I did a survival course once and I knew I had to keep my feet warm so I kept running a basin of hot water and putting my feet in to send the heat through my body." - When a cleaner found him, he shouted to her, "You can't get in here, I've been locked in here for four days!" - So she left. - So just remember, if you think going to get locked in the bog take lots of hot water with you.

Marilyn Monroe's first contract for 20^th Century Fox in 1946 sold for £24k in an LA auction.

Meanwhile Orsen Welles' 1941 Oscar and script for Citizen Kane is expected to go for £600k in NY's Sotherby's. The American Film Institute said it was the best film in history in 2007 as did the Brits in 2002. Herman Mankieviz wrote the script but as a spokesman said, "Mankieviz gave the story life but Welles made it immortal." - Load of old rubbish.

Jack Nicholson reckons he could have fathered up to 9000 kids. He said, "There could be 9000 for all I know - I used to live so freely." He's 70 now and says, "You can't get too wild these days, but I'm as wild as you can get." - One of the best Simpsons ever was when they did The Shining.

are you in there dave?

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XV: "If there was (to be a reunion), there wouldn't be enough doctors to support it." - Robert Plant; August 2007!

The combined age of Led Zep including John Bonham's son Jason 41 is 183.

According to online gamer Zylom.com Brit women's favourite leisure pursuits are...going on line! 18% read, 16% like socialising with friends, 11% watch TV and 7% like sex as their favourite past time, that was equal with music. Psychologist Dr Sally Ann Low said, "Women feel empowered, they are able to channel various skills including leadership, puzzle solving and hand to eye coordination in a controlled and relaxed atmosphere." - Yeah, but 7% like sex.

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.21: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. - This corner is killing me

Ok, lastly, according to 26,000 people in 26 countries, all answering to the Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey 58% of Nigerians are getting enough sex and 78% of them say it is good. They also reckon on average it lasts about 24 minutes - what! That's 30% longer than any other nation. Aussies are the number one vibrator users, although it doesn't say which sex! New Zealand women and Austrian men are the most promiscuous at 20.4 and 29.3% respectfully. And 11% of men and women in Brazil get it more that once a day. - That's it, pack your bags.

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