6th - 12th may 2011 volume 431
May, 11th 2011 19:38 PM

“Well, go easy with your cold fandango

I’ll stick my knife right down your throat”

(Rolling Stones)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 12.5.11                                           

For Elements of: 24 postal Courier and Movement Regiment; Royal Logistic Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Cops on the bleet

A man caught red-faced wearing a bra and knickers had trouble explaining to police in West Virginia the dead goat.

 

19 year-old Mark L Thompson from Alum Creek who was found in nearby woods, ‘high on bath salts’ eventually came clean to stabbing the goat after witness’s gave their accounts.

 

Neighbour Lisa Powes had bought her four year-old grandson a pigmy goat the day before and saw it wandering around Mark’s house. Knowing her nephew had been to his house before she called for his assistance and the group went to investigate.

 

Lisa stated, ‘He was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene.’

 

Reeling high in the notion of always getting their man police Chief Wiggins led the chant over his car tannoy…, ‘USA 1 – Transvestite goat grappler – 0’.


Go kill a goat

 

 

 


You can’t always get what you want

A Bulgarian man who had his penis chopped off by his best mate is helping him find a job so he can pay for a new one.

 

Zaprian Lozanov 61 explained how he and his pal Lyob Todorov were having a few beers at his house in Plovdiv when Lyob displayed his martial arts expertise with a samurai sword he kept on the wall.

 

‘He slashed it in front of me – I thought he’d missed, but then I felt a burning pain and collapsed. He’d sliced the sword through my trousers and lopped off my penis.’

 

Todorov received a 6 year prison sentence but a campaign led by Zaprian brought about an early release.

 

Philosophically admirable by his good deed Zaprian said, ‘what is in the past, is in the past, besides, I want him to get a job so he can pay the compensation I am due.’

 

‘I want to be hung like a horse.’ He said to the judge, so they took him to the gallows and put a saddle on his back


With enough dough he might get one here

 

Finger lickin’ good

Jennifer Espinoza returned from dropping her daughter to school in Texas and found a naked man eating raw chicken in her kitchen.

 

‘I opened the door; I saw this guy sitting in the sink, fully naked, eating (raw chicken).’

 

Naturally, Jennifer screamed in terror and ran out of the house to look for help, when the man got up and locked her out.

 

Policed diffused the situation by breaking in through a window, tasered the man in his giblets whereupon he crashed to the floor and writhed in delusional agony causing numerous lacerations from the broken glass, which then saturated the carpet floor and walls enough to have the tenant re-housed.

 

USA – 1- Naked chicken man – Fried


 

Meanwhile…

A Dubai wife is suing her husband for 7m, because in their four months of marriage she has had no sex.

 

‘Considering the conservative Arab values and the women’s situation in such a society, I remained silent and tried to adapt (by) praying to God that things would improve.’ – She said.

 

The man, whom she later found suffers from erectile dysfunction, had been married 12 times before, which defendants admitted may go against him in court.

 

The courts are pending an outcome.

 

Meanwhile a Canadian man who signed up to an online dating agency ended up meeting his girlfriend.

 

The girlfriend had become suspicious and when they met in a coffee shop in Barrie, Ontario an off duty officer was forced to arrest her in the pursuing carnage.


 

Meanwhile No.2; the Grand View topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro Maine has finally been closed.

 

After causing a scene for nearly two years in the small town, party-poopers finally got their man in true Al Capone style.

 

Since it’s opening in 2009, manager Donald Crabtree insisted it was just a bit of fun; ‘trying to put a smile on peoples faces’ he enthused.

 

Ever since, authorities have been after him and finally nailed him, not on indecent exposure charges, but by ‘violating zoning rules’ after he put up a notice saying, ‘boobies wanted’.

 

Party-pooper 2 – Grand View topless Coffee Shop – deflated


 

Be vigilant

And lastly 91 year-old crime fighter John Bray from New Zealand calls himself ‘Batman’ has been told to stay at home until he finds a ‘Robin’.

 

Scouring the streets of Waipawa in the North Island, as part of the Community Patrol, John is armed with nothing but his mobile phone, a torch and his wits.

 

‘I am the eyes and ears of the police.’ He said, and, ‘I used to have a ‘Robin’, but he kept on falling asleep.’

 

Gum-boot sales up 400% - Sheep safety – 0.


 

 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘fool was working in a warehouse once and as a man approached a laden forklift he shouted ‘Whoa’, the forklift slammed on the brakes spilt its load all over the floor and the man carried on walking as casual as a silent fart and sang to himself… ‘I’m going to Barbados, whoa, come to the palm trees…’ fool hasn’t stopped chuckling for 25 years – if you’re a forklift truck driver, don’t fall for it.’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘Whoa… I need some milk’. John Wayne

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Go into an antique shop and say, ‘what’s new?’’

 

And now folks…

 

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart! (might have to work on that)


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

 

In the meantime there’s this


 

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

 


www.highstylecondominium.com

 


Animal news


*Dwayne Yarbrough keeps an alligator in his kitchen to impress the ladies. ‘Chicks dig it’ he told police officers in Ford Heights Illinois. The illegal pet was only 4ft long and was kept in a fish tank – when quizzed why it was so small, he said he only fed it 10 live mice once a month.

 

*A pig in northern China has two mouths and two snouts and eats twice as much as his siblings. Owner Bao Xeuijin has been breeding pigs for 15 years and says, ‘It’s too special to go on the dinner plate.’ – How about that Brutus!

 

*Smokey’s the world’s loudest cat at 67.7 decibels. That’s as loud as a vacuum cleaner. Most cats purr at around 25.

 

*A horse in Warrnambool, Victoria, Australia cleared the wrong fence and landed in a crowd of people. It won by 50 noses.

 

 

Number crunching


 

*The world record to record the most people in morph suits fell 136 short of its 250 target, as rain stopped play at the Drayton manor theme park in Staffs. Still, for those 114 morphs it’s something they can be proud of for the rest of their lives.

 

*Scrabble has updated their official Collins dictionary with 3000 words this year. In are street slang; innit, thang and grrl. In computer speak; Myspace and Wiki were entered and for drugs; tik, gak and tina – must get a new Scrabble board – I don’t know any of those words. Over half the households in Britain have Scrabble and 4 million are sold worldwide every year. 44 year-old Mark Nymas from Cheshire is the world champ, which by fool’s reckoning only makes a score of 36 even if it landed on a treble.

 

*Britain’s top 1000 wealthiest were revealed this week with, it seems, women on the rise. The highest woman earner is worth 6.9billion, whilst divorcees are raking it in, most notably Bernie Eccelestone’s ex Slavia on £734m and Roman Abromovich’s ex Irina on £155m. There are 73 billionaires with Indian steel tycoon Laksha Mittel, topping them on £17.5b. Russian steel tycoon Alisher Uliminic is second on … ooh, loads – and the total of the 1000 comes in at £396b.

 

*The longest hand-rolled cigar is 268ft built by Cuban Castelar Cairo. He spent 8 hours a day rolling the bugger for the Ministry of Tourism. His next target is 100metres… or death!

 

*Lloyd Scott is still ‘running’ the London Marathon dressed as Brian the snail from the Magic Roundabout. Crouched on all fours in the 9ft contraption he covers a mile in an eight hour day by dragging himself along with his arms. He hopes to raise £200k for Action For Kids. He’s ran several marathons and raised £5m in past, ludicrously dressed as Indiana Jones dragging a 23st bolder – a 130lb divers suit and as St George pulling a 10ft, 200lb dragon. If you’d like to support, plug into www.actionforkids.org

 

*Oh, I’m just about done here and can’t be bothered to tell you about the asteroid that’s going to miss us in November, suffice to say it’s 55 million tonnes will miss us by a ‘cosmic hairs breath’.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

 

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz


 

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