That was the week weren't it:

The scene: The three witches in Macbeth are crouched around their bubbling cauldron of augorian entrails deep in the 100 Acre Wood when Ben Affleck approaches on a horse. fool is one of the witches.

fool witch: Eye of toad and wart of ear yabba yabba yabbadabbadoo. We dip them in and squeeze them out Chim-chim-eny, chim, chim-cheroo. We...

Ben: Hey, old crow, Am I on the right road to Camelot?

The three witches huddle together muttering and tuttering amongst themselves...

Witches:...Yank...cheesey...actor, ha ha...self...adulating...tosser...smarmy...no good...arse...

Ben: Hey, Ladies? You know, I've been sent down here in Shakespeare land to brush up or something on my language or something by the director of my latest film for dropping my bowels too much. I don't know, do you think he meant vowels or something...hey do you like my concerned face, here, oh, what about my worried concerned face, ok, I got...

fool witch: He meant bowels.

Narrator: And so Ben was Afflected by the curse of being shit...roll the quiz:

1.  "You have three choices...You must kill yourself",..."You must kill..."..."You must everybody in the whole wide world" - which witch said these immortal words?

2.  Which part of France would you come from if you were a Breton?

3.  Huey lewis had a hit with "The Power of Love" from which film?

4.  How many inches wide should a wicket be?

5.  How is Lev Davidovich Bronstein better known?

6.  What was the name of Darwin's survey ship called?

7.  Which piece of music was used as the Monty Python theme?

8. By what name was Frances Gumm more glamorously known? A) Jane Russell B) Judy Garland C) Jayne Mansfield

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Tender hooks were left dangling at the weekend's quayside as the one and only true answer didn't reach the fool's office till Monday morning and from only that moment on did the Dracule fella himself sleep, for twas he that the bell tolled and slipped he self did merrily into a tied position with the Eagle for a hook shot on the Big Comp's prize. What I mean is Dracule got this clue; Clue No.1: "A tornado was the least of my worries." Which was of course Dorothy. So onto and brand new WAI? And Clue No.1: "The spell I sold the world 400 years ago was perhaps not from but only thought it from me!"

Big prizes to be won in the next couple of weeks - check the *comps and results page for all the details.

Scores at the end of week 22 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And the Big Comp tally in sub, sub brackets, just to confuse ya.

For those out the back, it's next one wins in the Eagle and Dracule stakes

Dracule: 12 (1,1) (1,1)

Legal Eagle: 8 (1, 1) (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 2 (1) (1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: I've had my fill...

Quote for the week:

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

Groucho Marx

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME EPONYMOUS WORDS

HANSARD (Parliamentary record)...Luke Hansard (1752-1828)

BUNSEN (burner)...Professor R.W. Bunsen (1811-99)

SAM BROWNE (army belt)...General Sir Sam Browne (1824-1901)

BRAILLE...Louis Braille (1809-52

SILHOUETTE... Etienne de Silhouette (1709-67)

BOWLDLERIZE (to expurgate)...Thomas Bowdler (1754-1825

QUISLING (traitor)...Vidkun Quisling (1887-1945)

SADISM...Marquis de Sade (1740-1814)

WELLINGTON (boot)...1^st Duke of Wellington (1769-1852)

BOYCOTT...Captain Charles Cunningham Boycott (1832-97)

MANSARD...François Mansard (1598-1666)

fool's Gold

• Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete

• The first cd pressed in America was Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA

• A duck's quack doesn't echo

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

MIA!

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

People who make a cup of tea and only half fill the mug; what's all that about? You buy a big mug for a big mug of tea, you've put your milk and sugar in already and some twat helpfully pours in the water but leaves and inch spare. Once you've taken the sodden teabag out you're left with half a cup - this early morning angst obviously stands to reason with beer, froth and dippy barmaids. - For more tea stories see the world news!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

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Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Don't forget...There's a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; has his own enigmatic low down on the uptake

*Trigger:  out there to help you pick a winner

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... at this rate probably not till Sept - stay tuned.

*Tit-bits - Daddy's girl.../...Two Paddy's.../...

*Grub-Up - * New- New - new* - Do yourselves a flavour and get a wabbit - see the menu for cooking it - I followed it then turned it into a stew - beautiful. Now I'm onto the Oyster blades - more about that next week...ok, next week, probably next week.

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, May ‘08' - new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver - it's all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - hot on the Saigon trail...

Mr. Meaner... it's now or never...

Now; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you're not keen do move on:

Some beginning and end of season Internationals:

New Zealand beat Ireland 21-11 in a bitterly cold and wet Wellington 'boot' kind of day. If you don't believe me ask B.O.D. Who said, "I don't know if I've played in much colder than that."

With a relatively young and inexperienced All Black pack against the battle hardened rub of the green (in more ways than one there) it was the fresher faces that ultimately and surprisingly dominated play, especially the set pieces.

The Irish still had their big fellas in Paul O'Connor battering forward with Flannery in support, but the sloppy ball won mostly came from players knowing where the ball was going and what each other and opposition were doing at the breakdowns to win back the ball for the 10's to kick for territory, either low into the wind or high with it - good old fashioned rugby with an almost two finger salute to the ELV's.

First blood came by a Conrad Smith dummy on B.O.D. And enough pace to take him away and making the pass for Sivivatu to score.

Not long later the Irish forwards were marauding on the All Black's try line and off multiple phase ball Reddin sneaked it blind handing it to Wallace at inside centre to level the scores.

With a couple of exchanges from Carter and O'Gara, half time scores were level peggings at 8-8. Then on the 64^th minute redeemed himself from yet another slow clearance kick from which Ireland nearly scores by making a fine break, gave it to a supporting Ali Williams, onto John Schwalger and finally to Nonu who was over with a five metre skid, in which Irish interim coach Michael Bradley said was a, "moment of genius."

You could suggest Ireland were a tad unlucky with the bounce of the ball and although they never out tired in the last 20, they were thoroughly blockaded.

Henry was pleased with his troops, "It was difficult conditions to play in and it became a bit of a lottery. I thought they played with a huge amount of heart and character."

Meanwhile over in Orange Free State the MB's demolished Wales 43-17, leaving Warren Gatland to rue on his first loss by declaring, "Our display was atrocious."

Wales were just that and it's probably best just to let Warren do the talking - you'll get the gist; "We were well beaten and dominated by a better side."

"Quite frankly we were pretty embarrassed by that performance. Our handling was poor, as was our discipline as in the number of penalties we gave away."

"South Africa thoroughly deserved to win the game."

"They were very strong in the collision areas, they handled well and dominated us at the breakdown in both attack and defence."

One good consolation was the Shane Williams' 42^nd try for his country where he made Habana look like a muppet in the chill out room wondering who ate all the cheese!

Over in Argentina, Scotland went down to the Pumas 21-15 from a last gasp try.

Five Paterson penalties may have flattered the Scots a bit, however they did scurry together some moments of worth, as London Irish centre, who scored the clincher in the dying minutes explained, "That was the only reason the Scots were close to us in this match (penalties), but they didn't break us or even trouble us too much, except in some counter attacks."

Typical South Americans eh - they come third in a World Cup and suddenly the Falklands belong to them again!

Some shorts:

The Specific Nations kicked off last weekend with a win for the New Zealand Maori's over Tonga 20-9. The try of the game came from Piri Littleshit in the 72^nd minute off a cracking and bouncing touchline run by Hosea Gear.

Australia 'A' beat Japan 42-21 in Fukuoka, same to you, and tries came from ringers; Turinui, Gerrard, Kimlin, Van Humphries and Norton-Knight - really, how pretentious.

Over in Canada the English Saxons beat the States 64-10 in the Churchill Cup. Matt Banahan, the man mountain on the wing got a hatrick.

I believe Scotland 'A' also beat Canada, but then you shouldn't always believe a fool!

Ok, some big games this weekend: New Zealand host England, and we've already seen the many changes to the Black's side, but how about 14 to the English from their World Cup final and 11 from their last International against Ireland.

Ex Kiwi prop Craig Dowd, who's been playing in England reported back to Henry and told him, "Sheridan is a colossus." - Sheridan being the only player left over from the World Cup.

Henry even went as far to add, 'control Sheridan, control England.'

Topsy Ojo is the real dark horse. The 22 year-old London Irish winger went to fool's rival school Dartford Grammar, as did Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, but did you ever see them score a try for England?

Look out for Danny Care off the sub's bench and that Kiwi lock...what's his face?

Also England's lock Tom Palmer went to school with Richie McCaw in a two year exchange at Otago Boys High School - he made it to the NZ schoolboys alongside Jerry Collins, Aaron Mauger and Carl Hayman. So there, what ever that means.

Two new sides, probably more than a Test match - the fool's cheeky betting money is on England. - 20-17

Wales will get beat by the MB's, but not so convincingly this time. - 20-17

Ireland will put up a fight against Australia, and fool thinks it'll be a close call. It will be interesting to see the B.O.D./ Mortlock battle - err, either side, don't kid yourself, they're both cracking players.

Australia will snatch it. - 20-17

Lastly Scotland will beat the Argies, and that was the toughest call of the lot. -20-17

P.s. Byron 'Shelley' Kelleher wants to end his career in Toulouse, "Toulouse has really adopted me. I've got the impression that I belong to this team. I adore the culture and my French is getting better everyday." - Good luck mate, it's a lovely place, really, I mean it.

John Smit's; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 - the fool promises!

Called the John Smit's XV, as he's the current World Cup winning captain, so we've got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England steamrolled New Zealand by an innings and nine runs with Anderson getting nine of them off of some tidy swing bowling...daddy o.

Vaughan was happy and declared, "James is very exciting. Even when he is inconsistent he has a knack of taking wickets." As he did by knocking over McCullum who was batting well.

Side order of Bottom finished with a healthy 6-67, and Jacob Oram shone somewhat, for the Black Caps with 50 off 39, he later said, "If guys like Anderson can perform consistently they are a tough side to beat."

Mind you, all the talk is about money at the moment, and most notably Stanford's millions.

The November 1^st England v the All Stars in Antigua is a £10m winner takes all Twenty20 Cup. And he's bank rolling it for the next five years.

He also says Test cricket is boring and a spent force. The Texan oil tycoon J.R. Ewing added, "Test cricket is the foundation but Twenty20 cricket is the future. That's where you're going to make your money."

He has a despisingly vulgar point!

Let's take Stuart Broad, as he is of the new generation cricketer; between now and the Ashes he's likely to earn; a salary of £200,000, a bonus of £100,000, sponsors prize money worth £50,000, IPL earnings of £50,000 and if England win in Antigua £500,000 - even the back room boys get £50,000 at Antigua, non-players £125,000!

Do you still think players like KP will be talking about 'cricket burn-out'?

On a different kind of bank note, shaped in the guise of a rupee, Shane Warne's Rajasath Royals  beat the Chennai Super Kings - cigarettes aren't they? By a single off the last ball.

He said, "I'm getting a bit old for these close finishes. To get down to the last ball, I don't think a script writer could have written any better.' - I would have - I would have had a Bollywood babe shagging Darrell Hair in the outfield!

Shane continued, "I don't think there's been too many better teams I've played in, in 20 years of first class cricket. It's been a fantastic journey, one hell of a ride." - Just what Darrell said.

Till next week...

Other sports:

The Ham cocked up in Canada by shunting into the back of Kimi in the pit lane. Nico Rosberg also did it, so they both earned themselves a 10 place penalty next week in France. Kimi was spewing, "If I'm going 300kph and I lose control and hit somebody its natural, but if I do it in a pit lane, with a speed limit, with two cars stopped then I think it is stupid." - Stupid boy Ham

Kubica went onto win, being the first Pole to do so, even though he wasn't!

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Britain's chick's cheesiest chat up lines are; No.1, 'Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?' No.2, 'I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?' - Nope, haven't heard any of those recently! Kate Mowe from Dating.direct.com said, "There's a new breed of Alpha women who take charge and don't want to be wallflowers waiting for men." - All sounds very scary, why can't chick's just be chick's?

16,000 condoms have just been shipped out to the 125 men and women on the McMurdo US base in Antarctica in preparation for the winter months blackout. Mary Celeste chief engineer checked the check list, 'Ok, gaskets, oil, bulbs, washers, spare radiators, hot water bottles, condoms...' 'What do you mean condoms? You're the chief engineer of this station, not a wench in some Marquis de Sade novel.' 'Yeah, and I'm also not gonna blow a seal....' - Argh, the old ones are the old ones, - take him away, Ok, ok, I'll come quietly...

Talking of which, cervical cancer from non condom use has it seems risen to the neck where similar conditions have been diagnosed as throat cancer from too much oral sex, as opposed to original thoughts of smoking and drinking. It seems the promiscuous 60's brought forward this notion as it was considered a rare act to happen before then, and now apparently its common place - all the Alpha women are at it. But please, don't let fool stop you.

There's a World Naked Bike Ride happening around the world this week; you know, New York, London, Brighton, Antarctica. They are trying to create bike awareness for motorists and ultimately more bikers, they're slogan is "Burn fat not oil". I'd show you a picture but they're all fat old blokes in the buff on bikes. I do an hour a week on my bike and I still haven't left the house. I'm also still as fat as a house.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXXIII:  "Secretly I wanted to look like Jimi Hendrix, but I could never quite pull it off." As said by the very white Bryan Ferry.

A £1m drugs trial was scrapped this week after three months of going hard at it in Sydney Australia; the jurors were found playing soduko.

Christina Onassis' jewellery was auctioned off in London's Christies this week and one 38 carat diamond fetched £3.5m. 44 other jewels brought £6.5m. Her father was Aristotle and he's about 3000 years old!

British women spend £10 or less a month on bras and knickers. 60% will wear the old's till they fray, according to Mintel, an analysis company that is. Fashion bitch Katrina Magnussen says, "Grey, saggy knickers don't conjure up the sexiest image." - I don't know... "The industry need to encourage women on lingerie that makes them feel special." - Phwoarrr - knickers...

Meanwhile one in three men wear the same pants as the day before. In a survey of 1000 gents it was revealed that on average a man owns 14 pairs, and a quarter will often wear none. - No wonder throat cancer's on the up!

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; His questions: "Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"

Frank and Anita Milford believe a little argument a day and a kiss before bedtime makes for the success of a good marriage. They should know they've been at it 81 years and 16 days. Frank 100 and Anita 99 tied the knot back on 26^th May 1928 in Plymouth, no doubt a nice sea breeze would keep them at it too. They haven't broken the British record yet though, as that belongs to Thomas and Elizabeth Morgan  from Caerlin Wales and they did it in 1891 - wow

Four cups of tea a day cuts the risk of heart attacks. It also keeps you hydrated, gives alertness and keeps bones strong, so says the Tea Advisory Panel. It's the antioxidant polyphenal you know. Dr. Claire Rostin said, "It's good news for tea drinkers." - It certainly is, fill it up please.

Peking Duck is also a cancer warder. It's all in the red colour spicy preservations and is thought to cut risks by 2/3rds. Heart attack patients have also been swallowing this remedy in pill forms and its found that 45% are less prone to have another heart attack. 5000 patients in 60 hospitals across China were surveyed and all responded well to the chemical Xuezhikong or XZK. But before any lard arses start heading down to the local Chinese takeaway Dr. Mike Knopton from the British Heart Foundation has put the knackers on it, "For most UK patients lifestyle is a prominent cause and Statin remains the most effective medicine." - He said from the Sun Inn Restaurant, Soho, London, as he sits with the rep from Statin.

Five divers got swept out to sea in the Indian Ocean and drifted 40 miles. Charlotte Allin 24, Jim Manning 30 and other fellow Brit Keith Mitchowski 50 and Swede Helena Naradinau and Frenchman Lauren Pinelto clung onto a log and kicked constantly for ten hours in the water desperately trying to keep from hypothermia, as Charlotte said, "As night fell we were getting very thirsty and cold." - Anyone fancy a pint? - Eventually they found a beach and scrambled ashore what was Rinca Island, an island littered with Komodo Dragons. Jim an ex Royal Marine and Iraq vet went in search of rescue and fresh water and scaled a 600ft cliff, whilst the others made an SOS sign out of pebbles on the beach. Anyway they had a few sea snails for breakfast and after three days were eventually rescued, after Keith's company Reefseekers Dive Centre contacted a local soothsayer on the island of Lauben near Bali, "She predicted exactly where the guys would be found." Apparently Jim and Charlotte also run a dive school in Thailand; now is it just me or does something smell fishy to you?

Ok, lastly, and apologies but no sex related story to finish on, although there could be something here; there is a world shortage of lemons because of a late frost in South America and South Africa, so get in before they dry up in August and suck on a lemon while you can!

just cf it

cf