Crazy Fool's Newsround - 6th - 12th Feb 09 wolume 316

6th - 12th Feb 09 wolume 316
February, 12th 2009 07:03 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Dave and Dave are at the bar waiting for Dave, the self made man, to turn up so they can discuss life, the Universe, Rubik’s Cube and whether it’s true that a baby cries on average 113 times a day, if babies born in May are on average seven ounces heavier, if women are really attracted to men who do household chores, if 50, 000 of the pubs in the UK have 17, 000 different names and who would most like to be the person acting as an extra in cop show and get to lift up evidence with a pen and would they rather put it in a plastic bag or an envelope? fool is a bar fly

Dave: Drink Dave?

Dave: Is my name Dave, Dave?

Dave: Yes Dave

Dave: Well then

fool: Buzz…

(ten minutes go by)

Dave: Drink Dave?

Dave: Is my name Dave, Dave?

Dave: Yes Dave

Dave: Well then

fool: Buzz

Narrator: Self Made Man never did turn up.

Drink dave?

1. What is a rubric?

2. In which country were the Borgias family?

3. Which country put the first woman in space?

4. Do bananas grow pointing up or down?

5. What colour is Rupert the Bear’s scarf?

6. What is the skin on a deer’s antlers called?

7. Which war is the first for which there is photographic evidence?

8. What is the most common element in the Universe? A) Oxygen B) Hydrogen C) Nitrogen

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Plainly the clues are becoming more difficult, yet a record number of viewers tuned in last week for their penny’s worth – I think about 4.5 clocked in for an answer, of which all were wrong, so here’s last week’s number followed by this week’s; Clue No.1, “One of my best outfits frog-marched me all the way to a No.1 best seller.” – Clue No.2, “You’d be surprised that I got my eyes re-focussed back in 1976.”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 5 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those incognito, who are you?:

Dracule: 1, (1)

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Quizmaster:

Casualty:

Others:

Quote(s) for the week:

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast

W C Fields

*Non-descript trivia moment*

ART STYLES: GOTHIC TO CUBISM (week 1)

GOTHIC: (C12th-16^th) Detailed and devotional: pointed stone arches, stained glass and ribbed vaulting. (C16th) INTERNATIONAL GOTHIC Late-medieval art style. (Pisanello)

fool’s Gold

Charlie Chaplin has been portrayed on screen by more actors than anyone else

Doctor Who’s Tardis is a type 40

The only English place that has a name that ends with an exclamation mark is Westward Ho!

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

AWOL!

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Unexpected rain in the dry season making riding to work in a white shirt hazardous, especially forgetting the un-written laws of the road of not getting too close to the bike in front if you want to avoid getting splattered with dirt dots because ‘you’ drove too close, however, on doing so it is necessary to swear incoherently at the bugger in front whilst zooming off and eventually getting to work where everyone ask if that is supposed to be the pattern on the shirt – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The fact that Michael Vincent keeps finding me the perfect job

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #3

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks. – I hear things are going Bacardi Loco!

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly its good – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Porcini steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch this week’s Six Nations on.

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; back on song…this week

*Trigger: touts high

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out – Soon, soon, very soon – maybe next week!

*Tit-bits – .../...The sensitive man…/…grammar enthusiast…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and The Dog!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – …yeah, the demo tape’s in the post is it, ok…you once played with Sacha Distell, ok…

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – there’ll be some frozen pickings soon and perhaps a round of Sumo, if you’re in Saigon

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

Nose to the grind-stone, strike a light, there’s budgies in the coal-face – eh, what? Exactly. Only one game made any sense in last week’s RBS Six Nations and that came from the Green and Blue.

Let’s kick off with the debacle that was England 36 Italy 11, where the scoreline favoured fool’s prediction but the content served only as a ‘W’ in the English column in the history books.

To be brutally honest, the game was a joke compromising of the worst possible performances from both teams since Captain John Bull played on a horse in 1895, such were the gifted tries Mauro Bergamasco gave to England with his inept ability to play scrumhalf – not his fault as MB coach Nick Mallet immediately put his hand up straight after the game before the mob lynched him Mussolini style.

Of course you can’t blame the 70-capped flanker as he failed to cover defend, letting in the first try, dove in the ruck to slip out of defence again to let in the second try and completely miss fired a pass to let in the third try, but surely it was another kick in the teeth when Nick Mallet said, “I thought of replacing him after 20 minutes but out of respect left him on the field.” – You bastard!

When a real scrum half finally came on the second half in Guilio Toniolotti Italy were a far better team. Not hard considering England’s performance, which you may have thought had spark in the first four minutes after quick ball fed a couple of phases for Goode to grub, collect and score, but then that was it. From then on in it was grind, slow ball, indecision and woeful kicking. Mark Cueto showed the only resemblance of entertainment.

But Dewi Morris summed them up best; “The way England beat the poorest Italian side for a decade was dull, devoid of pace and passion, simply desperate. England’s rugby looked so dated, I wouldn’t be surprised if they turned up to the function wearing flared trousers.”

Over to the modern game in Croke Park and Ireland held off France to win 30-21. This was a proper game played with belief and determination. France ran everything, the ball, the heartbeat, the show, although Lionel Beauxais stifled matters a tad by dropping two goals, which the second was highly unnecessary – still, it kept them in the game.

As Thierry Dusotoir on the flank said, “It is a beautiful style, but we are not winning. We are lacking something.” – And it’s hard to say what, because they did everything right. Perhaps it was just Ireland’s experience and resolve that helped them notch the points and keep their heads.

Marc Lievremont was ‘exceptionally disappointed’ but found time to praise the Irish; “Ireland are a very experienced team and they work together.”, and, “The Irish proved a lot more opportunistic, they had very few chances and scored three times.”

The French also took their chances, especially from some marauding runs from the horse – Chabal not Captain John Bull’s. One finished with a typical inter-weaving dance up the touch line for Harinordorquy to touch down.

Rob Kearny, Gordan D’Arcy and MoM Heaslip were very prominent, but try of the day went to B.O’D who from an almost standing start split the defence of Beauxais and Jauzion and finished with a side step on Maxime Medard.

Coach Declan Kidney said, “Any day you get the better of France is a great day to be enjoyed by everyone.” – And very well deserved too.

Meanwhile frustrating game No.2 was the Welsh win over Scotland in Murrayfield 26-13. Not to take anything away from the Welsh, because their first half demolition of the Jocks was just absolutely awesome – and the fool never uses that word, but their pack, their huge pack, their huge, quick pack won ball after ball after and as swift as you like quick ball, which the backs gleefully took to town.

Sure, as Big Frank Hadden said, “We were too passive”, but to be honest the Scots didn’t really have a choice; Big Frank again; “I felt we were out muscled, especially in the first half hour.” But the second half saw a Scottish resilience coupled with a Welsh, well, holiday. That’s where it was frustrating. The Welsh could have nailed it, sure the Gat made six wholesale changes and the Scots started to play, but the performance was there for a boulder statement, however, pleased the Gat was; “I was delighted with the accuracy of most of our play.” – Most.

Some Shorts:

Super 14’s start this Friday and fool’s backing, as always, The Force. As ever before they’ll rely too much on the Git and will no doubt lack consistency, but Nathan Sharpe is a good captain and will guide young buck and one to look out for, Sam Wykes, well. Last year they finished 8^th, the year before 7^th and this year it will probably be something similar.

fool’s Six Nations predictions:

First up is France v Scotland in France-land and Lievremont has made four changes – Cedric Heymans comes in on the wing for Julien Malzieu and Chabal was considered to have been a tad lazy and would be better off as an impact player, he’s replaced by Roman Millo-Chluski, who is French not Roman.

It doesn’t matter what changes Scotland make, because although they’ll play a far better game than last week they’ll still get smashed by a very good and determined French outfit

fool says: France 29 Scotland 10

In Cardiff the budgerigars will be singing at the coal-face – eh, what? Exactly. The Taffs will carry a sustained and demolition-like work rate to the party and enjoy smashing England all over the park.

England bring back a fit Tindall and Joe Worsley for muscle, but they’ll need more than that to beat an in form side. Jonno said, “Winning breeds confidence and we did win. But we don’t know the size of the gap between ourselves and Wales until we play them.” – You will. However, saying all that, I still think Cardiff will be surprised.

fool says: Wales 31 England 27

In Italy, well, they’ll have their hands full against the Irish. Parisse will make a name for himself as always and things will be ten times better than last week, but the Irish are gunning for the title and their pack is ruthless, composed and most of all it wins the ball. As for the backs, they’re on fire, and they’ll get that said good ball.

fool says: Italy 11 Ireland 33

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free tshirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England and New Zealand are good sports aren’t they!

Just as the IPL hammer went down on $1.55m (₤1.060, 000) a piece for KP and Fred, both players found time to refute any in house wranglings of competition in wage stakes. Fred stated, “We wouldn’t have had a problem if we had got different prices, but being the same might just stop a few of the other lads taking the Mick.”

Then on a serious note he said, “But I’m here in Jamaica playing a Test match. My mind is full of that and the IPL is not for another six weeks. I just regard it as a massive bonus.”

The very next day England were bowled out in that Test match for just 51 and lost the first Test to the Windies by an innings and 23 runs. But to be fair to the Fred, he did top score with 24.

“We were entirely out played by a very good Windies team.” – Said Levi. Well, at least by some very good attack bowling by Jerome Taylor on 5 – 11 and some spin by Saliemn Benn 4 – 31.

Obviously England were shite, but Beefy did find time to credit Taylor; “It was the best fast bowling blast in recent years.”

The media splashed mixed emotions ranging from a wake up call to complacency and the team harbouring a lot of baggage from four captain’s in six months, terrorist attacks, a captain and manager coup, Stanford’s debacle and the IPL, but say that to Fred and he just shrugs, “I don’t think I can explain what happened on Saturday.” And, “When you’re standing in the middle and someone is bowling at you at 90mph, you’re only thinking about the ball.”

He’s a good bloke ain’t he. Darren Gough said so, cos he had a glass of wine with him on the cruise ship Silver Shadow after the Test and said, “Everybody on board was saying what a good bloke he was.”

Three to go, next one starts Friday – that could be today if you’re reading this now!

And douse the fireworks, for Australia have risen, with a six wicket win at Adelaide to draw the series 2-2 and so head for the decider at the GABBA. – today (depending when you’re reading this of course)

Ross Taylor pulled away for the Black Caps scratching 76 off 71 to set a target of 244-8. And the Hussey brothers did the rest for Australia with DH hitting 79 and MH knocking 75 off 71 and finished with a six.

Jayawardene captain? Not anymore

Till next week…

Other sports:

Don’t believe I have any – see what comes up in the late edition…

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Women dress with a stress on sexual overtones to get on at work. 78% say it affects their day, whilst 27% are happy to dress to impress their boss. theragtrader.com website who conducted the poll said, “This proves that what you wear at work can really affect your success rate.” Half the women also admitted to being competitive dressers and 14% said they’d split their trousers at work, which was nice.

Taxi driver

Men on the other hand are admitting to a ‘lack of interest in sex’ these days. 15% of 18-59 year-old’s in a poll by Men’s Health Forum are relying on ‘fantasy sex’ through TV, internet and lads mag’s, as women’s roles in society change to a more dominant breed. Phil Hodson, a psychotherapist and author of Men: An Investigation into the Emotional Male also suggests work gets in the way; “Sex is all about play. Libido comes out of a bout of idleness and down time. Sex and the clock don’t go well together.” – What a load of tosh!

The most romantic men in the UK come from Hull. Well, they send the most flowers on Valentine’s Day. Next are London, Southampton, Wolverhampton, Belfast, Bradford, Plymouth, Stoke-on-Trent, Birmingham and Manchester. Edinburgh and Bristol are loveless bastards. And if you live in Wiveton, Norfolk you can see road signs written in that area’s dialect, which officials say works – ‘Slow you down’ – is one.

A ₤1m campervan is on sale, with its own sports car stored in a garage between the wheels. The Volkner Mobil Performer sleeps eight, has a dishwasher, fridge-freezer, flat screen TV with surround sound and under floor heating. The bathroom and kitchen have stone tiles and it’s decked out in real leather and wood. Stephanie Volkner from the German manufacturers says, “They are mainly bought by wealthy families who like to travel around Europe and like keeping their personal belonging and luxuries close by.” – Pikey’s

Air Pikey

Health bosses are giving away free cinema tickets if they use and return Chlamydia kits worth ₤10, 00 each. Mathew Elliott of the TaxPayers Alliance suggests, “This is an unnecessary and unreasonable use of taxpayer’s money. We need to move away from bribing people to do the right thing.”

Meanwhile, if you have a real or fake beard you can get into Bristol Zoo Garden’s free today, as its Charles Darwin’s 200^th birthday – I’m in, I’ve got both.

evolution

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “Ricky Gervais used to be in a New Romantic band in the 80’s and got to number’s 106 and 70 in the UK pop charts.”

Morris dancing is back and on the big screen. In, A Life With Bells On, main character Derecq Maximillion Twist and the men of the Millsham Morris upset traditionalists and take their ‘extreme’ Morris dancing across the pond to Yank-land. Filmed entirely in the West Country apart from the Californian scenes which were done in Bournemouth, writer and actor Chaz Oldham says, “It gets huge smiles at every audience. It’s just what we need in these dark times.” He describes it as the Full Monty with bells on, and although it’s on a country tour of film festivals he’s having problems; “We went to distributors and they loved the film but said they didn’t think people would go to watch a film about Morris dancing.” – Are they mad – where’s it at? I’m there.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “I often wanted to drown my troubles but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.”

Professor Nutt is the UK Governments top drug advisor and he says it’s about time to downgrade ecstasy from a grade A to a B and he is more concerned about horse riders. Under the title Equasy – equine addiction syndrome, he wrote in the Journal of Psycopharmacology, “The point is to get people to understand the drug harm can be equal to harms in other parts of life. There is not much difference between horse riding and ecstasy.” – Except 100 a year die from horse riding in the UK compared to 30 from ecstasy and that’s mostly due to drinking excessive amounts of water. Still, I don’t think the Government are too happy with him.

ride em cowboy

Nor are the Scottish and disablists happy at Jeremy Clarkson who last week on his Top Gear Roadshow in Australia said, when referring to current climate in the fiscal world; “In England we have this one-eyed Scottish idiot, the one-eyed Scottish man. He keeps telling us everything is fine and he’s saved the world and we know he’s lying. But he’s smooth at telling us.” – Jeremy did apologise to the Scottish and the disabled, but; “The idiot bit… there’s no chance I’ll apologise for that.” – Former Scottish minister Lord Faulkes said, “He has insulted Gordon Brown three times over – accusing him of being a liar, having a go at him for having a physical handicap and for his nationality.” – Whilst the Lord loses all credentials, the fool shall replenish faith in all things Scottish with the help of this important fact sent in by a viewer:

Scottish thought for the day:

A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!!

This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud to Be Scottish doesn't it!

Cheers!!

Some bloke in England has been saving his McDonald’s Happy Meal toys for 20 years and has a bout 7000 of the buggers, all in their boxes in pristine condition. At Lincoln’s unique auction Tony Woodcock says, “We’re expecting buyers from all over the world.” – He reckons he’ll get ₤20,000

Lastly, if you want to make a quid get a head like a thumb and put it on a t-shirt. Thumbman at thumbman.net did and he’s on t-shirts, baseball caps and key rings. His pals said, “The photoshop and original are just the funniest pictures we have ever seen and we want to spread the laughter and love of Thumbman.” Stephen Fry apparently first spread the craze on website Twitter.