Crazy Fool's Newsround - 6th - 12th August 2010 volume 392

6th - 12th August 2010 volume 392
August, 11th 2010 19:57 PM

“Get it on, bang a gong, get it on”

(T-Rex)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 12.8.10

For 12^th Regiment Royal Artillery

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Time gentlemen please

A Hungarian teenager has closed all bids and will settle for a £200k offer from an Englishman to take her virginity; he’ll probably take it to Blackpool!

18 year-old Miss Sping originally announced her intentions on eBay, until they found the nature of her merchandise not exactly conducive to their more sombre of ethics.

It seems the Englishman had a hard fought battle with an Irishman, who tried to gazump his bid then found out that wasn’t what it meant. And although both had deep sympathy to her cause, which was to fund her medical school fees and ward off the Swiss mafia to which her mother owed money, Miss Sping said she could not commit to both proposals of marriage stating, it was, “A challenge I am not yet ready for.” – Aaarrrggghhh, the fickleness of youth.

Meanwhile Robbie Williams has wed his American fiancée Ayda Field in a secret publicity stunt on an island off LA saying she is his ‘Swiss army knife’ who can do anything – save a Hungarian from being turned into a Mechano kit?

The ex trainee lawyer will honeymoon in Blackpool with Robbie and turn on the illuminations, then spend the next six months leading up to Christmas helping him look for the bastard one that’s blown a fuse – leading the Swiss straight to the trainee doctor – it’s a cruel world.

Ode to sex

Someone who is still working in a law firm in New South Wales, Australia is Zahara Stardust alias Marianne Leisham who is hoping to put her Sex Party on the antipodean political map.

The Pole Dancing Open Pairs Champion of 2009 kicked off by sharing her manifesto in the medium of dance on the streets of Sydney then followed up by handing out free condoms.

The ex artist’s model, fire twirler and burlesque performer is prompting sex education in schools and to legalise gay marriages, which could be in the form of a hudibrastic poem entitled My Arse is on Fire - Well, there’s nothing like selling it is there.

Hold on, it’s gonna be a goosebumply ride

Raising the bar last weekend were 102 nude rollercoaster riders on Southend-on-Sea’s ‘Green Scream’.

The hulk of collective flesh managed to pluck up no less than £22k for a breast cancer charity and smashed the previous world record to-boot or no boots – wait, don’t go…they get worse.

Barbara Warner from the fundraising group Bosom Pals said, “It takes a lot of nerve to take off all your clothes in front of 102 complete strangers, plus the world’s media, so we would like to say a massive thank you to everyone who was brave enough to bare all and raise such a huge amount of cash.” – And the bar (Told you)

Now maths isn’t my forte, but Hungary could’ve raised that in an afternoon.

Meanwhile at Chessington’s World of Adventures staff has felt obliged to put a bikini on their Sea Life mermaid statue called Sally.

Manager Justine Locker said, “We hadn’t noticed quite how buxom Sally was until we noticed young boys and not so young boys spending a lot of time ogling her in the walk through ocean tunnel. Since then, none of us can avoid what is staring us straight in the face, so it’s time for a cover up.”

…And over there you’ll notice Miss Sping in the Jacuzzi…

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts’

Take it away: (only available on website!)

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: SALAD DODGER – An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift, erm in fact let’s here from a viewer: Oi

Famous Brummies – it’s Jasper Carrott.

Others are: Julie Walters (actually Smethwick); Bill Oddie; J R Tolkein; Edward Burne-Jones; Simon Le Bon (and the rest of Duran Duran); Tony Iommi (and the rest of Sabbath); Justin Hayward (and the rest of the Moody Blues); Roy Wood (and the rest of The Move, ELO, etc.); Steve Gibbons; UB40, Toyah Wilcox.

Check out www.birminghamitsnotshit.co.uk

Animal news

*A Great White shark rescued by Andrew Eckersky on a beach in New South Wales was found dead in the very same spot the very day after Andrew pulled it, literally, back into the water by its tail - no pleasing some fish.

*Brit boffs at Bristol University have rigged up software to provide a ‘finprinter’ which will enable them to monitor every single Great White on earth – so far 100 million reportings have come from a small restaurant in South East China.

*The world’s first dog restaurant, for dogs, opened in Sydney this week called Chew Chew. Dogs can lap up beefsteak and mushrooms, chicken wings, fish soup and lamb bones.

Pet nutritionist Naoko Okamoto who owns it said she spent three years selling dog biscuits in markets, “finding out the customers needs.” – Which, as it turns out were dog biscuits, but she got bored with that and began to believe dogs were human.

*South Australia are offering Brits aged between 18-30 jobs after a survey found that two thirds were bored in their work in Blighty. With up to a year’s working visa and the possibility of emigration Brits can go to Oz be a roo pooh collector, a koala catcher, a shark tagger, a grassless golf course green caretaker, a penguin house builder or a beach babe judge – the decision seems endless…what was that last one again!

*”It was a big bear, at one point it stood up on its back legs with me in its mouth. I was 2.5m (8ft) off the ground.” Said 22 year-old Sebastian Plur Nilssen who was recently eaten by a Polar Bear.

The Norwegian was pulled from his tent on the Arctic island of Svalbard with his head in the bear’s jaws. He tried to reach for his shotgun but the bear snapped it in half. His colleague Ludvig Fjeld used their other gun to fire off a few warning shots before he had to shoot it dead.

Sebastian was airlifted to hospital with bite marks on his head, back and shoulder and his lung pierced. No doubt muttering to himself, “A warning shot, I was being eaten and you fired a warning shot…”

Number crunching

*Chinese food holds a whole glass of lard, or to break it down 2,823 calories or 132.5 grams of fat. However, pizza is now Britain’s favourite food selling 466million from shops alone – that’s compared to 191million curries. The top flavour is a margarita, which is good, because it gets you pissed too!

*The most expensive ice cream is served up at Serendipity 3 in Manhattan. The £15,730 dish is called the Frrrozen Haute Chocolate Explosion and contains 24 carat edible Swiss gold leaf. It also has 14 of the rarest and most secret cocoas from Africa and South America and no doubt a few black coals courtesy of Naomi Campbell. It is topped with whipped cream and oh, of course gold and yes, thank God, it does have that Naomi laced necklace twirled within the shavings of Madeline au Truffle at £1,573 a pound.

*It puts Kate Moss’ plum jam from her country estate in the shade, which can be more than said for the Russian finalist in the Finland’s sauna competition who died after a stunning last round of 6 minutes in a 230ºF (110ºC) tub. The others finalist, Finn Timo Kaukauonen was said to be disappointed that the competition has now been scrapped, as he was just warming up.

*Ed Stafford 34 finished his walk along the Amazon in just 859 days. From its mountain source in Peru to the sea in Brazil, Ed was eaten by roughly 50,000 mozzies, a few ants and the odd snake.

The 4000 mile trek turned out to be 6000 miles after he had to make several detours from unhappy tribesmen and drug traffickers. He dived into the sea with fellow walker Peruvian Gadiel ‘Cho’ Sanchez Ruira, a forestry worker who joined him 5 months in to help him navigate through some particularly dangerous jungle.

After steering him through the parts where people wanted to kill them Cho said he loved the simple life and so carried on walking with Ed. – And you thought you had it tough.

That’s it – can’t be bothered with anymore – gotta take little’un to Lady Gaga classes.

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz