Crazy Fool's Newsround - 5th - 11th September '08 volume 297

5th - 11th September '08 volume 297
September, 11th 2008 05:57 AM

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: fool, the Prophet of Doom, who for decades relentlessly paced London’s streets, sandwich board fixed, spelling out the end of the world to every Tom, Dick and Gustav, is now perched on top of the Large Hadron Collidor protesting against the so called ‘Doomsday Test’, where scientists are attempting to recreate the first one billionth of a second after the Big Bang, in order to find the ‘God Particle’. Many believe such a test will dissolve the world into a tiny black hole that will just get hungrier. However, the test has been completed and nothing happened!

fool: Can’t you see, the World is Ni … ice again.

Narrator: As you were fool… Now, the quiz:

1. Where is the said, Large Hadron Collider?

2. On which river does Calcutta stand?

3. Who had a ‘70’s hit with ‘You To Me Are Everything’?

4. The airline Flitestar is based in which country?

5. In the 1850’s what did the discovery by Edward Hargreaves lead to?

6. Who won the Formula 1 German Grand Prix in three successive years, 1988/89/90?

7. What is the only English anagram of CONTINUED?

8. What film ends with the line, ‘He ran them off their feet’? A) Chariots of Fire B) Three Days of the Condor C) The Running Man

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Many entered but few were chosen, mostly because they were all wrong, so here’s last week’s clue again: No.1: “When Gustav cries I’ll send a note to Mary.” If you need this week’s clue No.2, here it is; “I felt the wind a few times, especially when jumping out of planes.”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 33 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those un-akin to the sounds of the Congo, here they are: Ooh ooh, sqwark, flutter, flutter, flutter…

Dracule: 16 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown

Quote for the week:

Hello.

I can always tell straight away if an audience is going to be good or bad… So, goodnight!”

Tommy Cooper

*Non-descript trivia moment*

CAT’S EYES COULOURS

WHITE separate lanes . AMBER mark offside of motorway . RED mark nearside of motorway . BLUE mark police-only slip roads . GREEN mark exit or entrance slip roads

(Cats Eyes were invented in 1933 by Percy Shaw, who in 1965 was awarded the OBE.)

fool’s Gold

The shark is immune to all known diseases

People in southern England eat six million more cloves of garlic a year than those in northern France

A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

Land-lubber

A ‘lubber’ is a clumsy fellow in both Danish and English and a ‘land-lubber’ is a clumsy sailor, whose inexperience aboard ship soon shows him to be more used to life ashore.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

People with too much saliva; Yep that’s right; folk who slap and slop when they talk, spewing elasticated strands of spittle, slaver, slobber, drool and sputum like a camel slopping on a fish – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; the minced lamb – love it.

Butchery & Delicatess

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(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St)

Tel: +848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; says the Saints have a lot to do against Collingwood

*Trigger: Are you betting-yer - You betyer

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW!

*Tit-bits – .../...Grammar…/…velcro…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior – me thinks – isn’t it…Fishman?

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – just putting the flames out on their guitars and they’ll be right with us…

Mr. Meaner... I’m gonna say this only thrice…

Now, just in time; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

No internationals to speak about from last week, but the Guinness Premiership league has kicked off, which is by far the world’s best in terms of spectacle, interest and Guinness.

Make no bones about – its good and the only other league coming close, a very close second I may add, is the French Top 14. The MB’s league would be up there, with the Air New Zealand Cup throwing in a spanner or two, but then that’s not a league. And the Aussies situation is non existent.

There’s a lot of who-ha about the foreign influx in the Premiership, which has its pros and cons. However, you might be surprised to know that currently only two non-Europeans are allowed per side.

Foreigners make up 35% of the Premiership, whereas in football only 35% are home-grown. Bristol’s boss Richard Hill has concerns that rugby is edging towards the football ilk, saying only the top flight (financial) clubs have a realistic shot at the title; those being predominantly Wasps and Leicester with Sale and Newcastle thrown in for good measure, as they are the only other teams to have won it.

fool thinks different (full stop) and suggests a number of teams are in this year’s running, none less than London Irish who, quite literally, thumped Wasps at the Twickenham opener to the tune of a 54,000 crowd on cold and wet summer’s day!

26-14 they finished them off, and it all came from a sturdy lineout and 16 points from the boot of ex Wallaby fullback Peter Hewat. Wasps did rally late, with two well taken tries and were denied a third as the touch judge was in a flippant mood, but other than that they were well and truly beaten.

Eddie Jones’ new outfit Saracens were also pipped at the Twickenham post in the other London derby, by Harlequins – 24-21. Disgraced ‘orgy-niser’ Dave Strettle took a beauty try in the first two minutes from a blind side dash by Danny Care and with no room to piss stepped around his opposite number for a great try.

Leicester powered their way over Gloucester 20-8. Heyneke Meyer was at the helm for the Tigers where tries from Geordan Murphy and Toby Flood secured their win. Blossoms boss Dean Ryan wasn’t happy though; “We should have put the game away – we had the winning of it for 70 minutes. The template is there for us to be a good side – but taking responsibility is the key.” – ‘Have you got?’ ‘I haven’t got it; I thought you had it…’

Rupeni Caucaunibuca is on his way to Leicester, as soon as he can find his passport! (Still on the dope I see).

Bath beat Bristol at Bristol 33-20 with the help of 7/7 boots from Butch James – how many B’s in that? They also got three tries and Justin ‘plank’ Harrison made his debut.

Sale beat Newcastle in Geordie land 14-9 where young 18-year-old Clegg was in for the injured Sgt. Wilko, and missed his tackle on Hodgson who went onto score and seal the game.

And the Northampton Saints moved back up to the Premiership and beat Worcester (sorry, lost the score). But I do know captain Bruce Reihana missed three of his seven kicks and said after, “I will work on it’ – Damn fucking right you will.

Over in France-land their Top 14 is into round three, and Stade Francais stay one point clear over Bayonne by beating Perpignan away 26-11, and Bayonne beating holders Clermont 17-6. It was also good to see the minnows beat the biggo’s in Mont-de-Marson 25- (Tana’s) Toulon 18.

In the ANZ Cup two sides are dominating affairs, in Wellington and Canterbury after round 7. Taraniki play Manawatu today for a shot at the quarters.

But onto some Test news and the decider of the Tri Nations is on this coming weekend with Australia hosting the All Blacks in the Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane.

Tamana was the talk of the Aussies last game and it would be unfair for him to take the brunt, but saying that he had to go and he has, Mortlock still likes him though; “He’s a great player and he’s going to be great for us. He, along with everyone in the team that experienced that loss will be better for it.”… ‘I’m not…’ comes a muffled cry from the corner.

In for him comes, ex-leaguey, Ryan Cross, who in the fool’s book is pretty good, so says Deans too; “The reality is that Ryan is a union player who dabbled in league, not the other way around.” – See what makes him good?

The Suncorp has locked in a sell out 52,000 crowd and a lot of them will be keen to see the man, the man on form, the man who makes a difference. Henry says this of him, “He’s been colossal in a word. He came in with no rugby for a month against Australia in Auckland and I thought he was pretty special. Then he upped that performance in Cape Town, where he probably played his best game as an All Black.”

Deans was also full of praise for ‘the man’, “He is the most obvious point of difference between when the All Blacks have thrived and when they haven’t.’ – There’s the game plan then!

Who are they talking about? – Of course…Greg Somerville who will no doubt hang up his boots for the Blacks after a record 65 caps, as he heads off to Gloucester in December.

Did yer really think Deans and Henry were lording the Somers!

Lastly Danny Cipriani is shagging Kelly Brook, and she’s a babe - schwing

Some shorts

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup!

John Smit’s; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Michael Vaughan 34 has been offered a ₤100k 12 month contract to keep him in line for the winters Tests in India and the Windies, then it’s the Aussies. The obvious omission was Hoggard, who landed himself a place in the Hogwarts squad.

Harmy said he’s in for pound and by jolly he has to be now, because he’s in the squad for those setting sail for Antigua for the 1^st November winner takes all ₤20million extravaganza.

England play the Stanford Superstars in the Stanford Cricket Ground in a Twenty/20 game and the winners take home a cool $1mil or ₤565k each. The four players who don’t take the field share ₤565 as the backroom staff.

With England hitting form lately the prospect is leeringly tasty, as too it is for Sir Viv Richards boys who consist of no less than Chris Gayle, Ramnaresh Sarawan and Shiv Chanderpaul.

I’m eating a tuna sandwich.

Till next week…

Other sports:

The Ham did it in Spa in the wet; well it would be wouldn’t it. Kimi hit a wall with a couple of laps to go and the Ham was there for the taking. He steers himself eight points clear over Ferrari’s Felipe Massa and 23 ahead of Raikonnen and said, “I’m stoked to have won one of the most exciting races of my career. It was great.”

He also described the sensation of heading into the Eau Rouge corner; “You race into it, your guts go down then bounce back up. Then it hits you when you get half way up. Your car starts bottoming; you feel your guts bottoming. Everything’s being pulled down. Then everything that has gone to the bottom jumps as you come up to the top again. Eau Rouge in the wet is when you need balls.” – Sounds like he’s been to Moulon Rouge not Eau Rouge.

Ok, what we got; yes, Ricky Hatton is employing Floyd Mayweather Snr to train him for his upcoming fight in Vegas for the IBF Light-welterweight against Paulie Malignoggi on 22^nd November. Who else was called Paulie in boxing?

Notmad Bolt beat Asafa Powell in Brussels with a cruisey 9.77secs win into a headwind of 1.5m and said, “Asafa is a really fast guy. I’m getting use to chasing him.” – Show off.

And, two Russian Sumo wrestlers have been given the heave-ho for dope smoking. Brothers Roho and Hakuruzan aka Boradsov Solsan Feliksovich and Boradzov Batraz Feliksovich were kicked out when levels of cannabis in their body were beyond the limits of passive smoking. – Fact a Sumo wrestler will train for 4½ hours with no breakfast then tuck into some rice, fish, meat, vegetables and beer and often go for extras, such as burgers and pizza for lunch then sleeps for a couple of hours. That’s it, I’m-a gonna be a Sumo wrestler.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Over in Tinsel Town Brit chick Rachael Weisz 36 has been voted ‘Hottest babe’ by a bunch of lesbo’s. In a survey of 4000 furry cup drinkers, titled, ‘Women We’d Love to Love’ the Mummy star came out top with the added comment from the spokesbutch, “She’s one gorgeous English gal.” Nicole Kidman 41 came second because, ‘We like her stockings and suspenders in Moulin Rouge. Don’t tell the Ham, he’ll get all bottomy. And third was Minnie Driver 38, who was described as ‘Wickedly funny’. The rest: Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Kiera Knightly, Thandle Newton, Emily Blunt, Catherine Zeta Jones and Cate Blanchett.

If that lot don’t goose your cook then perhaps Swedish MEP Eva-Brit Svensson will. The European Parliament member wants Brussels to halt the sex trade in advertising saying, “Promoting women as sex objects or reinforcing gender stereotypes has to stop.” – Luckily the British Advertising Standards Authority said, “The approval suggested is inflexible and impractical.” - So, sex is here to sell another day.

In Fresno, California this week a burglar, from now on to be known as Antonio Vasquez, broke into a house in his underpants and socks and battered an occupant with an eight inch sausage then coated another with spices. The culprit was found in a nearby field after he left his wallet and id in the house. However, the sausage had been eaten by a dog. Fresno County Sheriff Lieutenant Ian Burrumond said, “That’s right, the dog ate the weapon. I tell you, this is one weird case.” – No shit.

Talking of burglars, Yank Don Gorske 54 has eaten 23,000 Big Mac’s in 36 years. He ritually has two a day and used to have fries until he cut them out in the 80’s for being too unhealthy. He’s fit and healthy but blames the junk food on his obsessive compulsive disorder, which has forced him to collect every receipt. Don from Wisconsin said, “Sometimes people call me a freak but it doesn’t bother me. I just say respect people as they are.” – That’s right Don, you freak-out nut bar.

On the boozy front Amy Winehouse ordered 48 bottles of Jack Daniels for her weekend gig in the Bestival bash on the Isle of Wight. The promoters said, “With Amy’s record this can mean failure to perform or giving a shambolic performance. Whiskey is better than heroin – but not 48 bottles of the stuff.” – That’s rock n roll

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIII! “She loves my cock” Off the new AC/DC album – That’s rock n roll.

More rock n roll is that Jimi’s first ever guitar he set alight to has just been auctioned for ₤280k. The Fender Stratocaster which he burnt, along with himself at a London gig in ’67 was snapped up by American music collector David Boucher 51 who said, “I’d thought I’d have to pay a little bit more for it. I’m going to play it – I hope it rubs off on me.” Good to hear he’s actually gonna play the bloody thing and not stick it on the wall.

But back to the booze, and British pubs are closing at a rate of five a day! – I shit you not. Economic stress and spiralling inflation plus the cost of beer and the fact that less people are actually stepping in the things are the main culprits – those and the smoking ban. The British Beer and Pub Association are incensed and urges the government to lay off the price hikes in the next budget. Damned institution old boy – what do you think the tourists come for – to get stabbed!

If they did then the Brit bobby will soon be better equipped to deal with the situation, as he/she are to get glue guns that can fire up to 10 metres, spider man webs and stink bombs. However, not all plod are impressed, one said, “It sounds like they’ve just gone down the joke shop to get their ideas. So what about sneezing or itching powder.” – There’s a point.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither”

How’s this for a trick; Yves Rossy, that flying French dude known as the ‘Jet Man’ is about to attempt to jettison himself across the English Channel. In his eight foot wings that he built in his garage. He’ll jump from 3000ft then spark up the four kerosene mini jets and zip 130mph through the air. – Good luck Yves.

If that don’t grab yer, what about Darren Taylor who jumped 35ft 4inches into a 12 inch deep tub of water. – Nutter

If you didn’t understand the play at the beginning, it was all about a few thousand international boffs who are trying to create the first billionths of a second, straight after the Big Bang. They’ve got a tunnel 17 miles long, under the French/Swiss border 300ft down. Atoms will race around this ‘track’ in opposite directions and collide at 11,245 trips a second. This will cause tiny black holes, which in theory should dissipate as quickly as they –ippated! As many as there are boffs working on the project there is the same amount against it. German Otto Rossler is against and he said, “It is plausible that these little black holes will survive and will grow and eat the planet from the inside out.”

Another bit of boff news is the initial launch of ‘gesture interface technology’ which are TV’s that play to your hand gestures. Cameras in the Toshiba TV watch you and file your hand movements for changing the channel etc - Except it’ll be another five years before they’re in the shops. There’ll be robot porn by then.

Cops who weren’t cops were pulling over drivers and ‘fining’ them in Poland, until real cops out of uniform came along and nicked them!

Matt Hale 38, from Welwyn Garden City, Herts, UK is an Elvis fan and when he saw a suit in a bargain shop he knew where his future lay. He’s been to Rio de Janeiro, Chile, Easter Island, Bolivia, Paraguay, Argentina, Mexico, Brazil, US, Ireland, France, Austria, Holland, Italy and Spain all in his Elvis jump suite, wig and shades. He was also in the biggest festival in Australia where he came last in both the look alike and sound alike contest, he said, “I thought wearing it around the world would be a good way to honour the King.” He got kicked out of the Louvre in Paris for a sloppy dress code as so in Macchu Picchu and Eva Peron’s cemetery. He’s going back to England for a spell before heading off again to Sweden, Russia, China, HK and Bali and says, “I only hope the Elvis suite survives the rest of the year. It’s starting to look a bit worn.” – But the King lives man.

Ok, lastly, call girl Linda Naggs 38 is up against the beak in Melbourne’s Magistrates Courts for raping the best man at a stag night with a latex strap-on. ‘Tiffany’, her stage name, pleaded not guilty to what the prosecutor said, she was, “riding him like a dog or a horse.” The bloke, who funnily enough his name isn’t mentioned, was told to go on all fours with his cacks down and his shirt lifted (Literally). The man described as ‘very conservative’ confirmed that she said, “Relax, it’s only fun, I won’t go there.” – Then, “I felt a sharp pain and thrust. I was shocked. I then heard her say close up to my ear, “Don’t worry; only you and I know.” – Things then got heated and she threw a punch in the ensuing melee. Lovely girl, fucks you then thumps you!