Crazy Fool's Newsround - 5th - 11th Feb 10 volume 366

5th - 11th Feb 10 volume 366
February, 10th 2010 14:46 PM

“A toothpaste adman’s dream

She got a beautiful form

The best I’ve ever seen

I’ gonna get her tonight

I don’t care where she been”

(Mungo Jerry)

Published 11.2.10

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is talking to a stuffed tiger in a Welsh accent. There’s no rhyme nay reason for this bar the fact he likes it and the tiger can’t understand anyway because he’s dead…

Narrator: Stop, stop, that’s enough. You’re rambling. What he’s trying to say ladies and gentlemen is … is… is (off mic - ‘I don’t know…you tell them…’ scuffle breaks out followed by Mud’s Tiger Feet heard and played crudely on kitchen utensils, although the pasta bowl has a certain ju ne se quo about it… ‘ok, ok, we’ll do that one’) – Ladies and gentleman, good, you’re still here, due to the holiday season well, it’s always a holiday somewhere isn’t it, no? Maybe not there sir, but I can’t say, I’ve never been. Point of the fact-o being, we’ve had a chat and thought we’d stick in this rather long winded intro, which by the way hasn’t started yet, this is the intro to the intro. We thought about putting in another category, but the link buttons won’t be ready till after TET and that could be any time after March – a-ha ha ha – a-ha! So, here it is; are you sitting comfortably? Good. Just remember, you have got fingers, well, obviously not you Dave, so you can scroll down to your favourite bits at will, although there are no pictures of him this week. That goes too for the rugby bit, which also does seem to go on forever this week – a-ha ha ha –a-ha. I thank you.

A Tiger’s Tale

Dormant for twelve years, depraved and hungry, his might once the envy of every predator, yet his ‘scalp’ a trophy for any business. Patiently the tiger waited, as those after him filtered through their meaningless tasks, meaningless to him, for he is the short tempered type, eager, hasty, and on the other hand somewhat indecisive and suspicious, yet calculated enough to know that every twelve years he would grip his kill. He would grant respect for that, not as some may have perceived him, as a just merciless killer, a trouble shooter. Which in many ways was true, it was his type that went straight for the jugular, would cling on and work his hunting fangs deep into a hapless victim’s throat, his rancid breath over-powering with affluence. He was after all a carnivore of psyche.

But now he was skinny, weak, he needed building. It was twelve years since he pawed the Rabbit in one foul sweep and gobbled it up without a trace, twelve years since he was robust and strong enough to slay his soul mate the Dragon. He flirted and toyed with the snake before trapping him in his paws, eight years since he galloped and cavorted with the Horse, till it too was chopped it down in a flurry of distant dust from a worn out yester-year. The Ram he knew would be tethered and mid way through its sentence he’d kicked around the idea of saving its strength and letting the little bleater go a little further, but his quick fuse and the modern calendar would not allow such a compromise. The Monkey chattered and teased from the tree tops, ‘oh, where’s the Tiger’s head, hey, four foot from its tail’, he’d screech, but Monkeys also sleep, and that’s when Tiger’s wander. The Rooster was a snack, although he had seemingly wasted too much energy trapping it or so he thought, but it was some lip-smacking dish. Luckily for him the dog was sleeping too when its demise was chartered, and the Pig in 2006, what a crackling-crispy delight that was, it also gave him the zest to continue his long term goal when it was all so easy to curl up and kip forever. However, one meal each year was not enough for this zenith, this animal icon. He was powerful, he knew it, they knew it, his secretion he felt now in the wilderness was to be no more, it was time for all to know, he was on his way back. The Rat was the next to enter his vision and he engaged in a natural game of cat n mouse in the twilit streets of the urban jungle. Twas then the turn of the Ox, oh my the Ox, The Ox nearly killed him, not through any ferocity of the beasts horns or by a butt of its gargantuan head, for the Ox knew hardball too, but no, it was the tidal wave that wrestled deep in the sheer weariness of the Tiger’s heartbeat, for it panted hard in the fight, enough to endure slight angina during the bite, or could it have indigestion. But he was a cat, he knew how to store his energy, and he could flit through the tough months and pound on success in bouts of necessary sustenance fuelled by favourable adrenalin. Yet now here in the lull before the storm he laid, waiting as patiently as he’d ever done, for soon he was to reign supreme again. Often he’d reflect on those before him with deep sympathy, but such was the pneumato law. Oh how the ‘others’ should have known he’d be back, how they should have known this archetypal captain of evolution possessed the tolerance, the restraint, the foresight, the deep, deep thinking. To catch a catch was his law. He was a survivor, he knew his prey, he knew how to stalk, he knew how to kill. But for now in 2010 he will once again reign supreme, he will strut his strut amongst the inferior dwellings lay strewn in his wake and ponder whether next time he could do it just that little bit easier, “That’s enough of this rant, I’m off for an elephant.”

Beware when the Tiger’s on the prowl!

1. Name another Mud hit?

2. Who mysteriously vanished off the yacht Lady Ghislaine?

3. What is actor Michael Caine’s first real name?

4. Which saint is on the Pope’s signet ring?

5. Which was the last host nation to have the Olympic Games opened by the country’s king?

6. Which aspect of the weather is brontophobia the fear of?

7. What is the study of fluids moving in pipes known as?

8. Los Del Mar and Los Del Rio both had hits in 1996 with one song; what was it? A) No Tengo Dinero B) La Bamba C) Macarena

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – He’s back, he’s never been away, but he’s back – the Legal Eagle, takes his place on the leaders board and sneaks a bracket too, for pipping STPFKAQ t the post in getting this answers: Rod Laver, to these clues: “I slammed home with four grand titles in two separate years but only one earned me a buck.” Clue No.2 “Wouldn’t have cried in my day, but Murray did in my ‘house’” – So, new clue time; “Dressed as one half of a tiger in Africa I went on to tour the world.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 7: bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, (1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others:

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

You can say what you like about deaf people…

Jimmy Carr

*Non-descript trivia moment*

DEGREES OF FREEMASONRY

26°…Prince of Mercy…26°

27°…Grand Commander of the Temple…27°

28°…Knight of the Sun, Prince Adept…28°

29°…Knight of St. Andrew…29°

30°…Grand Elected Knight Kadosh…30°

fool’s Gold

MGM’s first picture with sound, the 1928 White Shadows in the South Seas had only one word of dialogue: ‘Hello’

A cubic mile of seawater contains, on average, more than £60 million pounds worth of gold and £6 million worth of silver

Presbyterians is an anagram of Britney Spears

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have these…

Letters:

Dear CFN.,

I came across your website while searching for the news site of the UK caravan club. I felt compelled to write to you and comment on the content of your site, which I can only describe as hogwash and flactulance journalism.

The fact that you are calling this a "newsround" will surely have John Craven shaking his head in dismay.

Needless to say, I will not be logging on again.

Yours sincerely

Harold Monk

Fluters Cottage

Melton Mowbray

Ed: Dear Harold,

Thank you very ta for coming across my site, which by the way, is far more than John Craven ever offered to do, although he did once proffer the comely notion to submit the odd Country Watch.

Innuendos attached (batteries not included)

Yours
Cheers

And from Mr. Troi oi… Loved the picture on the Doritos packet.

Oddly enough, her indoors - aka The Grappler - had me with a similar move only last week.

Mr Troi Oi

Ed: Glad you liked it. Next week we will be looking into alligator felching.

I see from your response a lack of repsect for true journalism and have attached some links which will hopefully give you some food for thought in the direction you may wish to head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUEZvnbYq54

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM1EMJqeU9w

Incidentally John Craven is a personal friend of mine. He also lives next door to former football league referee Dermott Reeve - another noble profession. What do you do as a profession Mr CF? Work-shy fop I shouldn't wonder.

Harold

Dear Harold,

I thank you - I can't recall who said that but it has a smack of the Eric Morecombe's about it. Nevertheless, I thank you for the 8mm takes of quite superb journalistic flair, from having which viewed I shall instantly go and get a haircut.

My Nan lived next door to Tommy Steele you know, not a bad profession too, if you can get it. A Nan that is, not some hippy smash bang wallop what a picture type!

Regards to Dermott

chin cheerio cheers chin

p.s. what does repsect mean (I changed the spelling of incidentally for you – no charge)

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Mess – Yes that’s right mess, the complete incompetence to clean things up after you. I’m not talking about the odd sock on the floor, a shirt slung over the banister, or a splash-back in the downstairs office, but a wholesale, lazy-arsed clutter of neglect in the kitchen – that’s where you’ll find Jona Louey at parties you know – what would he think. How difficult is it to put the top of the margarine back on or to clean your ‘marg’ knife, on your bread for example, without dejecting it haphazardly on the works surface to be rammed under the plate that your about to pick up, thus concealing the freakin sunflower fat, causing entrapment with intent I say. The same goes for a tea-bag, or the after dinner plates, the ‘Tommy’ bottle, but you know the worst, the one vexation that really rattles the goats hooters, the one that far outplays a tickled nasal hair when your hands are tied, well, not literally tied, although it depends who you’re with I suppose; my old deputy head at school was a haunting mistress I’d lie awake at night for hours dreaming of being tied up by her, whilst she would dance, erotically around me, unbuttoning her marks & Spencer’s black 100% cotton blouse, embracing my distorted leer with every whirl and jittery step she could manage, well, she was getting on a bit, and her sultry impression of Kate Bush is not what it used to be, but at least the old witch would give it a go. However, if you weren’t so conventionally tied, say it was just your hands on the wheel or something less so precarious; the one aggravation that may whittle your wick would be a skew-whiff lid on the olive jar. They’ve thought this one through the bastards, because you’ll be the idiot that drops it. Although it was the marmalade jar for me this morning! Mess - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

…oh, sorry, was back with Ms Swaniski, the science teacher, deputy head…if you’re reading this Valerie (made up name, but it kind of suits her) – grrrrrrrrr!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Some letters from Viz…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…order them up fool, there in a jiffy…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

My two dads’ will take a T-shirt

Order from: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

This bit is the rugby bit:

Have you got a beard…hmmm, have you?

Published 11.2.10

“I really love this tournament, it’s unique. These are local-derby internationals, high on emotion, long on tradition – more than a century in most cases.”

Jonno

‘I love kippers’

fool

Ireland laid a comfortable win over Italy at Croke Park 29-11, but they certainly didn’t set the world alight. The second half carried with it no oomph, bar some excellent defensive work by the Iti’s. And some great beards too.

O’Gara notched his 500 points tally for the tournament, helping himself to a couple of penalties before Heaslip strolled over wide in the backline after some well won phases. Good lineout secured the Irish ball, but it has to be said their finishing was perhaps 20-30% off target, B.O’D supported that very notion saying, “We made some good line breaks but didn’t finish them off. Maybe we need to improve support play.”

Thomas O’Leary was next over the line, with Kaine Robertson following up on a charge down to score a token try for the Italians. However, without the ball you are not going to score are you? Are you I said, please pay attention at the back. Still Nick Mallett was pleased, “They are pragmatic and have got a very good set of backs, probably the best backline in Europe. It was our job not to give them the ball.” – At 23-3 in the 39^th minute those stats reflected so, but it was Italy who didn’t get any ball. And best backs, hmm ask the French!

There’s no need to panic though, Ireland are a good side, they beat a very physically tough Italian side, and as Gordon D’Arcy knows, this is a tough tournament, he believes their coaching team have got it right regards games, weights and training, suggesting they’ll be somewhere near the top of the ladder come games four and five.

England on the other hand reeled in their own sweaty euphoria for a few days following an emphatic win over Wales 30-17 then were guided by the media’s caution not to get too carried away, with what can only be described as actually playing for a change.

fool doesn’t think they will, because besides Alun-Wyn Jones’ (4566) maniacal trip on Beach Boy David Wilson where Wales relinquished 17 points in his 10 minute absence, England looked, for the most part, in control. They looked hungrier, more clinical but most of all more composed, as Jonno said, “I think the patience we showed was good.”

Martyn Williams broke a couple of times early on and England had to rush back for desperate tackles metres from the line. But by now, about half way through the second beer, England had stolen Wales’ first four throws in the lineout, and that kind of toll was telling – frustration reaps penalties, the major difference in England’s turn around (for this game).

There were moments of slight panic where they tried too hard and Wales spun through some deft moves, Hook’s individual try was sheer brilliance, but England were on the whole a tighter unit and took their chances when given. Haskell was bundled over on the 40 minute mark and just after the break Danny Care, let to play his game, saw the chance to take a superb try of his own and dashed through from the 22. Adam Jones (beard) soon replied from relentless Welsh phase ball that found him out in the backline. Haskell pitched in with his second after Hook’s glorious zag and zig try, when Armitage intercepted a Jones (3288) pass, fed Tait who took an excellent line at pace. Haskell won Man of the Match, but and rightly so put all his credits into the backrow’s bank of Mad Dog Moody and Easter, “or ‘The Dominator’, as he likes to be known.”

Wales missed a beat in Twickenham, but more encouragingly England fired up. In answer to the media’s caution Jonno replied, “Yes, Wales could have won but this time they didn’t. And that is progress.” – Don’t mess with Jonno, media!

At Murrayfield France swarmed all over the Scots in round one and won the match there and then 18-9.

The ‘wino’s’ brought with them an excellent scrum, a rush defence and a blistering boulder in Mathieu Bastareaud. He ran in two good tries that were in some ways slightly soft on the outside, nevertheless well worked from within… what!

Mid-way through the first half Vincent Clerc was superbly tackled over the line and held up by Thom Evans. But at the ensuing scrum the Frogs rolled ferociously on, setting up an engaging platform for the pounding Haridonoquy at No.8. His hard yards secured quick ball which Parra dutifully sent along a stream of French hands waiting out on the right; the Bastareaud being the one to touch down. (no beard and poor tash)

Sean Lamont did his own impression of Lomu on Scotland’s left wing and a couple of times was through, wherein either not enough support failed him in time to keep momentum or a quickly re-grouped defence had all angles covered. Basteraud bust through again, with sheer pace out on the left in the Scots 22, courtesy of Haridonoqoy’s quick ball again. Brown let the fat bastard slip through his ‘tackle’ and the try was scored.

From there on in during round two France stepped off the gas, lit up a smoke and chilled over a Moulon Rouge whilst Scotland could find no way through.

So let’s head to what fool says this weekend:

Wales host Scotland at the Millennium, where you’d reckon formalitities should take their course. But as Jonno said, there’s a lot of emotion in these local-derby’s. Euan Murry is back at prop and Rory Lamont slips into his brother left wing slot, with Sean hopping over to outside centre. Paterson wins his 100^th cap, but let’s face it Scotland in the Naughties have been crap. Leigh Halfpenny replaces Thom James on the wing and Gatland explains the tension, “This is a must win game for us.” – Aye, there’s far more at stake for the Welsh, but they’ll romp it 23-15.

In France-land Ireland will need that called for 20-30% and some. The French are now clear favourites. They may not have winger Rougerie, but they have heaps of wingers, they may not have Ducalon, but they have a factory of props, and they may not have Benjamin Fall, oh hang on, he’s another winger – loads of ‘em. Ireland on the other hand have O’Gara, and I’m not sure if that’s a dig or not. Sexton does have the job, long term, but Ronan played well enough last week to keep his spot for now. It’d be good to see Stephen Ferris on the paddock. Jim Staples is unavailable. France will come to the party and win 30-22.

In Rome, it’s said the Iti’s up their anti 50%, which would have given them 16 against Ireland take away Ireland’s 50%, which would have been…dum, dum, dum…15, which means they would have won, so England have to up their game by at least 20%, which at Twickenham would have warranted them a conservative 30-15 win, add Italy’s 50%= 21 and minus England’s=15, plus England’s 20%=say 17-21. No, that can’t be right, just because you’re adding the Italians 50% doesn’t mean you have to take away the opposition by 50% - bugger it. England to win 31-11.

LV=Cup: Heineken Cup: Guinness Premiership: Top 14: Magners League: Non!

Some shorts:

The Cip; heading to Super 15’s Melbourne Rebels? I don’t think so. Rod McQueen has made no bones about him looking in Europe, but has stipulated he’d rather some home-grown, to feed the Wallabies you see. But you bet your bottom dollar he’ll get The Cip if he can. The Cip is interested, even if Jonno is telling him to go at his peril.

Lote’s found a club; West Coast Tigers – let’s leave it there shall we.

Super 14’s kicks off this weekend, but last week Carlos Spencer had a good game for the Lions - if you’re looking for a ‘Fantasy League’ player. But the warm-up games mean shit. The game to watch this weekend is Western Force v Brumbies. Can’t wait to see The Git and Elsom have a run, and is it only Pat McCabe the uncapped player for the horses.

Lastly; Georgia’s looking good for their third straight world cup appearance after beating Germany 77-3. It was a lucky 3 too! Russia, Romania and Spain are the other contenders in that group.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV of famous people who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one. Can be an actor in the John Smit XV, but he has to be relevant to that position, i.e. Elvis at flyhalf – sharp, nimble, play/decision maker, good hip swerve (he had a brother, but died at birth!). Can be an actress, author, sportsman etc…

Send ‘em in, you win a prize; if you have 8 or more pairings the same as fool, you win a special prize.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

Sent in by the Quizmaster formerly known as the Silent Third party:

fool, Here are 15 relatives in sport:

15. Bobby & Jackie Charlton (football) 14. Frank Lampard Senior & Junior (Football) 13. Harry & Jamie Redknapp (Football) 12. George Forman and Freeda Forman (Boxing) 11. Ben Cohen (Eng; RFU) & Stan Cohen (Eng; football/soccer) 10. Craig & Alister McDermott (Aussie cricket) 9. Stuart & Chris Broad (England Cricket) 8. Brian & Nigel Clough (Football) 7. Alex & Darren Ferguson (Football) 6. Ian & Liam Botham (Cricket, football & Rugby) 5. Graham & Daman Hill (Motor racing) 4. Greg Norman & Gregory Norman (Golf) 3. Gilles & Jacques Villeneuve (Motor racing) 2. Venus & Serena Williams (tennis) 1. Gary & Phil Neville (football)

A good team Mr. QfkatSTP, but Gary & Phil Neville at prop, hmmm

In the meantime; here’s fool’s Heineken Cup/Super14’s team – players who have played in both:

15. Christian Cullen (Munster & Hurricanes) 14. Lote Tiquiri (Leicester & Waratahs) 13. Luke McAlistair (Sale & Auckland Blues) 12. Aaron Mauger (Leicester & Crusaders) 11. Casey Laulala ( & )10. Dan Carter (Perpignan & Crusaders) 9. Byron Kelleher (Toulouse & Highlanders & Chiefs) 1. Carl Heyman ( Newcastle Falcons & Highlanders) 2. Gary Botha (Harelquins & Blue Bulls) 3. CJ Van Der Linde (Leinster & Cats & Cheetahs) 4. Corniel Van Zyl ( Trevisio & Cheetahs) 5. Paul Tito (Cardiff Blues & Hurricanes) 6. Jerry Collins (Toulon & Ospreys & Hurricanes) 7. Marty Hollah (Ospreys & Chiefs) 8. Luke Watson (Bath & Western Province)

Subs: Justin Marshal (Leeds, Ospreys, Montpellier, Saracens & Crusaders) Ricki Januarie (Osprey & Lions & Stormers) Schalk Brits (Saracens & Stormers), Bruce Rheina (Northampton & Chiefs), Greg Somerville (Gloucester & Crusaders) – the rest next week

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

He spies, he reaches, surely he cannot, not thrice, nay thrice involved but merely a thribble…

South Africa have been in Curry-land, no not Blighty the other one, India, and been giving them a good hiding too. The Proteas ride out of Nagpur enroute to Kolkata 1-0 up in the series, and they accomplished it by an innings and six runs.

After amassing a mere 325 they were obliged to carry on (Up the Kyber by the looks of it) and only tottered a measly 319 despite the Little Master’s 100, his 46^th Test century, this time in 177 balls. Zaheer Khan fought bravely in a tail end resistance for 33, but by then Steyn had all but wrapped them up for 10 for 108 after their two innings. His reverse-swing and 5 for 3 off 22 balls jogged that tally along.

Kallis and Smith rattled up the South African’s points with 173 and (dunno!) well, they would wouldn’t they.

A similar story unveiled itself in Adelaide where the Australians crushed the Windies. Their unassuming 177 was quickly assumed in the 27^th over by the likes of The Ponts, 57 off 55, 27 off 28, Watson a blistering 50 off 53 and Shaun…something or other got just that!

The talk now is are ODI’s under threat, given the Windies toppled for 143 in Melbourne and crowds of only 10 and 8 thousand bothered to watch the one sided spectacle. Chris Gayle admits it is a concern, “We just have to keep this series open again and get to 2-1 up – more intensity, so you guys can actually have something to cheer about, and the fans and cricket needs it.” – As such so it may be, or it may be as such, such be it may, but it isn’t so and Australia will flog them 5-0, folk will continue to moan about it. But not fool, he’s got the 3^rd ODI of New Zealand v Bangles to look forward too!

Warne’s bored, so he thought he’d have a go at the English, and digged Levi for missing their Bangle-land tour, “If you said to Allan Border, ‘look mate, we’re going to rest you so you’ll be alright in nine months time’ he’d rip your head off. – He’d just say, ‘are you serious?’” – He continued, “And what if Michael Carberry makes three centuries and Cook doesn’t make any runs. What will they do? Drop the captain?”

Colly thought long and hard about his response, and before taking his bat home said, “We’re the only team in the world that plays cricket all year round – everyone else has breaks due to their seasons.”

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re there!

Other Sports:

Pretty Boy Floyd 32 will fight Shane Mosely 38 on 1^st March in Las Vegas. ‘This one is for the fans’ says Floyd. Horse-shit, the one you chickened out with (Manny) was for the fans.

I don’t do football, I told you, so who cares who John Terry is fisting. It could be Tiger, which actually would be quite apt for the year. Either way it won’t make him a poorer captain or defender. Moral judgement – tosh.

New Orleans Saints beat Indianapolis Colts by 31-17. Drew Brees, Saints quarterback upped his earnings that night from £38 to £70m!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Stepping into the year of the Tiger, China have been caught in a frivolous mood and are serving up raw burgers to their tigers in the Siberian Tiger Park. Tourists can pull together and order live chickens for starters at £3.50 a pop then splash out £130 for a full grown live cow, where one man said from the back of a van he viewed the spectacle, “It was dragged to the ground in seconds.” – That’s neat that’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, I really love your tiger feet.

That's a lion

A pencil and watercolour sketch in the diary of Private William MacDonald of Stalag Luft III of the tunnel ‘Harry’, as depicted in the film The Great Escape, has been tagged at £20m. No, that can’t be right surely? Hold on a minute, I’ve got to check this… found it, Antiques Trade Gazette, riveting read if you can hold of it; anyway it was £3,200 – phrr 20m, where did I get that from? Anyhow, MacDonald didn’t draw this one, but one Lindsay Greenaway from the Royal Australian Air Force did. Next to the picture was written, ‘Silently below the surface, 25ft below the floor, this the Goons have cause to curse us, and remember 104.’ – Well, they were long days.

Brits are opting for smaller boobs and Posh Becks is leading the way. She’s gone from a 34DD to a 34B. And 70% of women in the Dr’s office are asking for the same. What will all those heavy chesters from up‘t north do? Where are the biggest boobs in your country?

Let’s get back to the antiques road show shall we. And literally on the Antiques Road Show, Wendy Jones took in a plate and walked out with £100 grand. See that’s all you’ve got to do. Hers was from 1750-55 and made for Frederick II King of Prussia – argh Prussia. The paste porcelain, yes, the kind you stick up wallpaper with, had the arms of the Hohenzolleran family on it, big plate…small arms. Ok, enough. But the arms are the order of the Black Eagle and the Maltese Cross – yes, very James Mason. The antiques dealer, Mr Axford didn’t quote so eloquently as last week’s doffer on the Ling vase, but he did come from the Woolley & Wallis auction house, which is a cracking name.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Mungo Jerry – Fred West!’

In Reading, Berkshire UK they speak an official 127 languages. At a population of only 233000 it makes it the largest amount in the world. The council originally thought there were 150, but folk had been filling out forms with various spellings, i.e. the Kenyan language of Kikuyu and Gikuyu and Panjabi and Punjabi – gotta know your ‘jabi’s. I hate people who say, “I speak American.” – Is ‘hate’ strong enough.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: Seagul manager: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

Back to money and Gordon Brown, (PM UK) has plans to sell off Britain’s ‘crown jewels’ in order to balance the books. His most astonishing is to sell the Port of Dover, yep, Vera’s white cliffs ‘n’ all. The port made £15.8 profit in 2008! Other options are Dartford Toll crossing – get Mick Jagger and Keith Richards campaigning on that one, the students loan book and part of the uranium processor Urenco – sounds a bit Lex Luther-ish that one.

But no fear, the Brits have sent a Yorkshire man up in space to sort it all out, and while he’s there he’ll fiddle about with the Space Station. Dr Nicholas Patrick and five space buddies job is to fit panoramic windows to warrant a 360 degree view of space. Why do the doctors get to go. I once fitted bomb proof windows in a police station in London; they never asked me if I wanted any overtime. Another space-free-loader is taking pictures of earth and loading them on twitter, yep, it’s the Jap, Soichi Noguchi. He’s got the London Eye, Golden Gate Bridge, Rome and New Orleans after the Superbowl. Dr Nick on the other hand is taking his mum’s homemade marmalade, saying, “I couldn’t have contemplated going into space without it.” – Don’t make a mess.

UK’s favourite food index: Chinese is up into 1^st place, with Indian slipping into second and non movers, British, Italian and Thai make the top five.

World’s fattest bloke Paul Mason won’t be going back to being a postman any time soon, but is in fact writing a book on being fat, or how to be fat, or how he was once fat, but the health department said he was too fat and spent £20k on him getting un-fat.

Fat people admitted to hospital last year in the UK was up 60% - fact.