5th - 11th August 2011 volume 444
August, 10th 2011 14:41 PM

“White riot – I wanna riot

White riot – a riot of my own”

(The Clash)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lads – The One With …

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 11.8.11                                           

For Elements of: 205 Field Hospital (Volunteers)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

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Talks continue

In light of the rioting and looting which has spread across major cities in England local crime fighting gurus have been warned to stay at home.

 

Super heroes; The Dark Spartan and The Black Void who recently complained in a TV documentary of no crime in their neighbourhood around Torbay Devon are by day a financial advisor and shop keeper and part of a growing trend of ‘street vigilantes’ operating under the banner of the Justice Union.

 

Dressed in an ancient Greek regalia complete with black police riot shield and the other a Spiderman outfit the The Black Void told of his battle with irritable bowel syndrome which is inflamed during a stressful situation and one which he described can get, ‘a little tasty’.

 

Shown on a TV series called, First Cut: Superheroes of Suburbia, the self-styled crime fighters were joined by 17 year old Kieran ‘Noir’ Ballantyne from Stockton-on-Tees who told viewers how he suffers from panic attacks and nerves.

 

Police advised the trio they will, ‘continue to deal with incidents as part of normal duties.’


 

Meanwhile complaints have flooded in from the Global League of Terror who are outraged at not being warned of the internal events, as a report just prior to the riots noted the UK to be the top western country in line for a terror attack.

 

New shenanigans in Northern Ireland triggered the move that saw the UK climbing 9 places to 38th overall.

 

Somalia are first on the list followed closely by Pakistan, Iraq, Afghanistan and the newly formed South Sudan.


 

Terror attacks worldwide rose 15% at 11,954 last year, whilst those killed fell 7% to 14,478.

 

‘Holy Shit’, came the Black Void’s only comment.

 

Meanwhile the government have taken alternative measures to police the situation and in celebration of Roger Hargreaves 40 years of his Mr Men books this week have asked for Mr Tickle’s help, however, if all fails they will contemplate Mr Jihad’s offer to talk to the local communities.


 

50 scents!

Three Lithuanian entrepreneurs have endeavoured to put their country on the map by selling the smell of their country as a ‘natural perfume’.

 

More like an air freshener the fragrance of bergamot, wild flowers, ginger, raspberry and grapefruit with a base note of amber cedar sandalwood patchouli with tree moss and tree smoke goes for £25 a bottle.

 

Sold mainly to tourists, one of the trio Dainus Ratkauskas says, ‘If I say chocolate and watches, what do you think? Switzerland. If I say Guinness and leprechauns? Ireland. Fish and chips? England. But here in Lithuania we don’t have an instinctively recognised symbol of our identity.’

 

Dainus has since had to rethink the tree smoke ingredient as it reminds people of England.


 

And lastly Brazilian Carlos Apolinero has called for a Heterosexual Pride Day in Sao Paulo on 3rd December, which he describes as, ‘not anti-gay but a protest against the privileges the gay community enjoys.’

 

Meanwhile in India an Armarnath ice ‘Shivalingai’ stalagmite worshipped by Hindus as a phallus of Lord Shiva is melting due to pilgrims’ body heat.

 

400,000 annually trek to the mountains in Kashmir where the giant ice knob waxes till August then wanes. However, this year 620,000 visitors have caused the melting two weeks early.


 

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Echoing in the reverberated notion of a robust-fullness necessary to police the idiots that rage through time immemorial, it was refreshing to conjure some classic tunes that grew resolvement from Toxtethian, or old Brixtonian riots thus shelving the mindless violence to a backdrop of irrelevance, that in reality only cradled the grip of a nation throttled by none other than Botham and cricket in England’s finest hour back in the ’81 Ashes series, that saw a nation rebuild with valour and dignity, mostly to the tunes of Adam Ant’s Stand and Deliver, Madness’ Grey Day, Tenpole Tudor’s Swords of a Thousand Men, The Jam’s Funeral Pyre, Special’s Ghost Town and the Rolling Stones’ Start Me Up, but alas no Police, which is a shame because that would have rounded off this ramble right readily like, and now having ran out of R’s, I’ll leave you with a request for fool’s Get It Off My Chest Request that came through this morning from Sting saying, can you remind us all of times when the good old bobby was revered and society only picked on him and not its fellow man; I know you’ve played it before, but once more won’t harm…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘turn it up.’ Deaf Bob

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*A British farmer has become the first successful person to breed Nile crocodiles in the UK. Following a six year breeding programme the crocs can grow up to 5.5m (18ft). They also kill up to 200 people a year. Why is he breeding them? For their meat, so his sale of return, here we go again – let’s say a croc steak is 15oz, mind you that’s about 0.9375 pounds, which is nearly half a kilo, so you’re getting a good whack there, nothing to complain about, then you take into account that’s about well, for arguments sake a small chicken and your average croc eats a couple of those a day or at 5.5m and about 100cm a chook, so that’s ten to the metre straight away, times it by 5, is 50, just to be conservative, and the average chook worldwide is what around $2.00 a kilo then one croc has got to be at least double, well, lets say three times just to be safe, so that makes only 45 times 6 (not taking into account the toe nails and knee caps and stuff) and that’s only… $270 a croc, after years of breeding – hardly seems worth it – stick to belts mate.

 

*Nigel Hewitt Cooper is a keen gardener in England and his Nepenthes x mixta or Monkey Cup pitcher ate a blue tit this week in Somerset. That’s a meat eating plant found around south east Asia and although this is a red bloodied meat eating carnivore, its small compared to its tropical cousins and only managed to kill the bird and was, ‘too much for the bird to digest’, according to Nigel.

 

*Jonathan is officially the world’s oldest tortoise at 178. Pictures of him dated from the Boer War have him recorded at 70. He was taken to St Helena in the South Atlantic along with David, Speedy, Emma, Fredericka and Myrtle and still regularly mates with the latter three. He’ll probably back that Sao Paulo day thing.

 


Number crunching


 

*No scientific evidence backs up the daily recommended intake of alcohol, as each country makes up their advice based on guesswork. For instance, Italy’s input is judged as a bottle more than England, with France, Portugal, New Zealand and Japan all half a bottle higher, whilst. Spain and Ireland linger two glasses above England’s miserable watershed, which I believe is just a couple of glasses or two units – what that is I don’t know, but if you work backwards from Ireland you’ll find out Italy are having a ball.

 

*Heiress Petra Eccelstone 22 has just bought the US’ most expensive mansion at £52m and said, ’I’m not spoiled, I’m privileged.’

 

*The bra-linking world record attempt came a cropper last week when 166,000 were taken out of the box ready to be strapped around Worcester racecourse for a charity event, but they all became tangled up leaving organisers not enough time to unravel them before linking them back up. A spokesman for the charity involved said, ‘like Christmas lights, you put them away nicely but when you go to get them they don’t come out.’ – I’m the same after an Italian lunch.

 

*Chinese construction worker survived after falling on two steel rods used for supporting concrete. Both rods entered around the waist and stuck 10 cm’s out by the armpit, missing his heart, lungs and spine. Surgeons had to open his chest and take out the rods piece by piece, which they then garnished with onion, red and green peppers with a hint of road side cameras to capture the essence of authentic street cooking.

 

*Vanity Fair had 2% of Americans reckoning Pippa Middleton to be a porn star. She has actually been offered $5m but so far resisted. Fergie will take it. Anyway, 6% said she could be a character in a children’s book and 2% gave her odds on to be a fashion designer… but sod that, let’s leave you with the thought of Pippa Middleton’s arse… the movie and play out with this…

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page


 

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