Crazy Fool's Newsround - 5th- 11th December '08 volume 309

5th- 11th December '08 volume 309
December, 11th 2008 09:48 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: Deep inside a telephone box outside the KGB HQ Boris Yeltsin has set up an underground school for children who aren’t called Boris and want to be. The infamous Beijing snarler and advocate of Whiff Whaff is concerned for the world’s lack of Boris-ness.

Boris: It has come to my knowledge that many…ski of you are not called Boris! Why is this so? It is my stern belief that children of the flock need a certain, ju ne se quoi, a certain Boris-ness to their nature and with my trustee friends Karlhov & Becker we aim to please. You boy, what’s your name?

Boy: Boris sir

Boris: Borissir? What kind of name is that? From now on you shall be called Boris. You boy?

Boy2: Boris

Boris: Eh, good lad. You boy, are you part of our flock?

fool: (is about to answer when the 9^th Blackfoot colliery Welsh male choir step into the booth) ‘Whilst shepherds eat their flock by night…’

Boris: What in the blazers…ski is this, silent damn…ski you (telephone rings, voice asks for silent) silent I said… (Welsh choir sing) - ‘Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is quiet, round yon virgin mother and child holy sheep so tender and mild eat in heavenly bli…iss, eat in heavenly bliss…

Narrator: Is this going anywhere fool?

fool: Only to the pub on Tuesday night

Narrator: Good, put me down for two… Quiz:

1. What is considered the most sought after (expensive) type of wool?

2. What is a water moccasin?

3. In which TV series did Scott Bakula leap in time?

4. Who had his jaw broken in 1973 by Ken Norton?

5. What do a tinchel of men do?

6. What is the principle food of the sperm whale?

7. What does Zymurgy magazine deal with?

8. What is Donald Duck’s middle name? A) Fauntleroy B) D’Angelo C) Davidson

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? Now, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum… You’re not going to believe this, but the fool has genuinely forgotten who the bloody answer is this week, and although only one attempt was offered from this particularly hard clue, I do know it was wrong. So, as not promote any injustice, I’ll give everyone a point (Which obviously makes no difference at all), and I’ll also keep this clue out there, so if anyone does come up trumps, it’ll jog my memory. I’ll throw in a fresh clue too just for grabs – the old one: clue No.1, “I’m not a dim character by a long way” – the new one: “Partial to a few sheep, I wasn’t perhaps in the real world but I’m sure I’d ring a few bells in the filament of your animation.”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 45 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those about to quiz we salute cheese:

Dracule: 21 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 15 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 7 (1 or 1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 2

Others: 1

Quote for the week:

West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

The Two Ronnies

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME WORDS FROM OTHER LANGUAGES

ARABIC . The admiral in the alcove, whilst sitting on his sequin sofa dreaming of harems, should fear the assassin rather than seeking solace in the alchemy of alcohol.

fool’s Gold

Milk delivered to shops today was in the cow two days ago

In 1845, President Andrew Jackson’s pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing

Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated after he was sewn up after surgery

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The origin of the company brand name Adidas:

After the interruption of World War II, Adolf Dassler restarted his footwear company and decided to register the trademark “Adidas,” In a way this was thanks to Hitler. After the war was lost, many Adolf's presumed the abbreviated name of "Adi" to disassociate with the Fuhrer. So the company was formed from the first syllables of his first and last names. Funnily enough, he had a falling out with his brother Rudolph over the running of the business; who went on to form PUMA! (not RUDIDAS)

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Banks…no, Vietnamese traffic…no, a tough bit of skin on your grapefruit…no, noise in the morning…no, hang on, bear with me, a particularly long a tickly hair on the moustache that ends up in your nostrils…no, the way companies call it bathroom tissue…no, bathroom…no, it’s a toilet…no, the French…no, oh, back in my day…oh in my country…no, culture stealers…no, Che Guevara t-shirts…no, indecisiveness…err yes…no, writing the letter m…no, world peace…no, folk who can’t read telepathy…no, the number 5…no… patience, that’s it – impatience, bloody impatient people, people that are not patient, not not in hospital, but …oh fuck it, I haven’t got time for this – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly it’s good: let’s eat:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Christmas is coming and we’re all getting fat, wanna put $10.00 in crazy fool’s hat!

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; dares to delve this week

*Trigger: keeps churning ‘em out

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Dec?…2009? – It’s a busy time folks, sorry, in the meantime press pause! – Hopefully next week!

*Tit-bits – .../.../…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – your sledge is just about ready

Mr. Meaner... Oh yes you did, oh no I didn’t, Oh yes you did…hey baby have you ever wondered why, come take a slice of my pie

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Nothing this week…except Heineken Cup, which was last week and we saw round three just sneak ahead of round four, which is this week – still with me…good. There’s other bits too…don’t go away…

Wasps beat Edinburgh in Murrayfield with six kicks from the Cip and a Tom Rees try in the 78^th minute. Ex England coach and boss of the Jocks said, “Tactically we were sound. The forward pack were totally in control.” – But they lost.

(Note to self; stop making stupid notes to self.)

Dally has just been made a director at Wasps – he was captain there for 13 years – can you believe that!

Sale Sharks smashed Montauben 36-6 with Argy flanker Juan Fernandez Lobbe helping himself to two of their five tries. Sale needed that bonus point as their group is a toughie. Sharks boss Philippe Saint Andre is leaving at the end of the season but is optimistic, “It’s not time to say ‘thank you’ yet as I’ll be here till the last game of the season.”

By the way all the HC games play the same opponents again this weekend in round four – how’s that for Christmas!

Bath beat Glasgow at the Rec 35-31 in a thriller. Both teams got their bonus points in what was a controlled run fest of good old fashioned rugby at its best. A late Heffin O’Hare try snuck the Jocks back in it, but Bath’s stoic ness with Nick Abendanon at the back steering plenty of damage their way. The game was a fest of too and fro-ness with lead swapping the order of the day, which apparently is legal in the West Country

Another cracker saw Leicester beat Perpignan 38-27. The Tigers pack was outstanding with a scrummage that destroyed the Perp’s. Aaron Mauger and Dan Hipkiss controlled things in the centre, which makes you wonder why he was dropped from England.

Maxime Mermoz and Ovidiu Tonita kept the French in the game but by then the Leicester pack had it all sewn up and Flood had nothing but praise for the forwards and especially this guy; Julian White and this fella; “…And then you have Lewis Moody who just runs around like it is his last game and without a care in the world. You would never believe he has kids and a family.”

Flood’s up against Carter this weekend, who’s on ₤30k a game. Toby says, “He’s a world class player, but you can’t play the player, you have to play the team.” - He a clever man, oh he a clever man, oh a clever, clever…

Toulouse beat the Dragons – score anyone? And Aussie centre, Marc Stcherbina, took a knock and had to have surgery on a broken back! He can move his arms and legs, so all it seems went well – good luck to the Stcherbina, but I’m not sure about the name!

Let’s have a quick look at the European Challenge Cup where Sarries netted Bayonne 16-6. And after four weeks of rain the pitch was nothing to write home about, nor indeed the rugby – it was basically a fight.

Northampton Saints annihilated Bristol 66-3, Gloucester put six tries past Calvisano and Newcastle took care of Overmach Parma 20-14.

Back on the ‘H’ and Cardiff Blues held Biarritz at bay 21-17, but it was the pace of Yank wing Takadzwa Ngwenya’s break and pop pass to Damien Traille who scored, got them a point and kept them top of their group.

In another cracking game Harelquins have matured into a healthy young side and took care of Stade de France 15-10 – in Stade de France – their first home defeat in 31 pool matches!

The Quins got their two tries early and held on as Stade rumbled into their game. It took them a while, but when the backs found their lines they were dangerous and only a tough defence kept them at bay.

But the Quins held on and one journalist described their performance as, ‘breathless enthusiasm and vim’. Nick Easter led the way by haranguing the ball at the fringes then gnarled his way forward with such ferocity that at times the French didn’t know what hit them. – Should be a cracker at the Stoop this weekend.

Leinster made easy work of Castres 33-3 with young Luke Fitzgerald and Sean O’Brien going well.

We’ll wrap up the ‘H’ with Clermont’s blockbuster win over holders Munster 25-19. At 16-12 down at half time the French needed a second gulp and with variable attributes of grit, grind and flair they began to take control from the Irishmen who were led admirably by the big fella Paul O’Connell.

But when the boys from Auvignon shoved the Munster-men off their own scrum and scored you knew the game was theirs, the crowd who had sung all day now really let the loonies loose. Paul O’Connell emphasised, “Clermont is a difficult place to come and sometimes a bonus point is the most important thing in a group as tight as this, especially after Sale got a bonus point win this weekend to get them right back in it.” – Told you that group was a toughie.

See all the same games played at each others ground this weekend!

Some Shorts:

Dan Carter ₤30k a game just made it to France after performing public duties in Italy. The Perp’s boss Goze said, “Dan is especially here to play rugby. Shop sales are already good and sponsors want to organise certain things around, but we didn’t want him to just be meeting people all week. The squad is here to train and play matches.”

Dan says, “Playing in the Heineken Cup was a big part of my decision. My first match will be in that competition and I can’t wait.” – Sitting on only five points it doesn’t look likely Perpignan will top the pool

The MB’s have won the first two IRB Sevens against England and New Zealand respectively in Dubai and George – their first home win. Paul Treu, the Boks coach got all Hollywood at George; “You could feel it in the air, the people really wanted this team to win and we really drew a lot of energy from the crowd.”

Mils Muliaina 29 looks to be next to doff his cap for a spot in the UK, probably Ireland or Wales. As he says, “You’d be foolish not to consider it.” – I wouldn’t.

Josh Lewsey’s retired from England duty (thought he did that years ago!). After 55 games, 22 tries and a winners and runners up medal in the World Cup, he’s hoping to get himself a Lions spot.

The MB’s are gearing up for the Lions and have told their players not to bugger off to Europe till after the three Tests.

And the funniest story of the week came after two Aussie props walked off injured after the Baa Baa game, which has prompted the Rugby Union Players Association to bring in the Health and Safety big wigs for an inspection of Wembley. The RUPA chief dog Tony Dempsey said, “We’re concerned from an occupational health and safety point of view that our members may be asked to play on surfaces that are unstable.” – It comes to something when teams have got to bring their own turf!

Lastly: An apology: This mistake was picked up by a reader last week: ‘The All Blacks have won 13 of their last 15 Tests.’

14 of the last 16 actually. I expect a correction in the next edition and an official apology to the people of New Zealand

Yes, indeed you are correct Mrs Fannifuckemover and we have sent a raspberry by courier pigeon which should hit the South Island at around breakfast time on Friday morning – please don’t blame Flossy.

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had two takers – better be quick, cos next week I’m upping it to the 2015 World Cup!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England and more importantly Harmy went back to India and are now playing the first Test in Chennai’s Chidambaram Stadium – yes, right now!

Just to make the Indian cricket team brush off a few cobwebs the English are donating half their first Test match fees to the Mumbai massacre fund – about ₤35k.

Each player has approximately 200 guns looking after him! – The local Chief of police said, “We have positioned 300 commandos at the hotel and 1,000 police have been deployed at the outer periphery since Sunday.” – (should just get Jeff/ Kev out there – yes, I know you don’t know what the fuck I’m on about!)

There’ll be 2000 of the buggers at the stadium, with a man on the boundary every five metres. The commentators will really need their wits about them eh – a few faux pas in the making there.

Herschelle Gibbs 34 has to go to rehab for a month for always getting bombed – doh! – He’s basically been on the piss since the Cronje days when he got six months for match fixing, he then killed Pantsy by tampering with his plane and has been late for every Bangles game since – I’m going to get a cup of tea and will resume when not mental.

Chris Lewis 40 and pal 26-year-old Chad Kirnon have been busted at Gatwick airport for smuggling ₤200 grand’s worth of cocaine in from the Bahamas. It was sealed in tins of fruit. Chris, an all-rounder was a house hold name when he played his 32 tests and 50 ODI’s for England. Corr the peaches in syrup’s really good, have you tried the peaches in syrup, wow you should try the peaches in syrup, yum do I like the peaches in syrup – got anymore peaches in syrup!

Till next week…

Other sports:

How’s the Manny fella eh! Wee Pacquino duffed up the legend de la Hoya good and proper, oh yeah he duffed him alright. Oscar was bruised and puffed by the little Flippo, whose performance was probably one of the best you’ll ever see – he was quick.

Ricky Hatton watched ringside, and felt embarrassed for the sport for yet another hero to bow out humiliated, but he still likes him; “He’s such a great hero, such a role model for the game and it isn’t really nice to see that but credit to Manny Pacquino – outstanding, pound-for-pound, No.1.” – It’s just a matter of time when and where now these two will meet – Manny’s up for it; “I can fight anytime, anywhere. I can go to England to fight Hatton, no problem.” – That’s Martini.

Honda bowed out of F1 this week and Williams boss Adam Parr reckons it won’t stop there. He says it won’t be an independent team but probably a manufacturer and when asked if it would be Williams he replied, “We don’t have a choice about being in F1 – it’s what we do.”

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Vedron Ribaric was jailed for three and half years this week for using his wife as target practice with his new air rifle. He made pretty 23 year-old Hirna run around in his back garden wearing only her knickers, he even got her strike sexy posies. A neighbour from Zapresic Croatia said, “Shooting at a beautiful woman like her is crazy. Couldn’t he have practiced on wild pigs like everyone else?” – It doesn’t get much more Borat than that. – ‘Here, don’t use her, use my wife.’

Rajo Devi has become the world’s oldest mum at 70 after visiting Dr. Anuray Bishnoi’s Hisars Fertility Clinic in India. Mum gave birth to a baby girl on 28^th November and all is well, she said, “We longed for a child all these years and now we’re happy to have one in the twighlight of our life.” Dad, Bala Ravi 72 said, “The upbringing of the child is not a problem. We have a joint family as is common in rural Haryona.” – A-ha, a bunch of hippies eh. – Just think when she’s 50 her dad will be 122!

Why didn’t they get a budgerigar like everyone else. Juergen Gartner 60 did, in fact he got 500 and kept them in his one-bedroom flat in Berlin. Then he got bored of them and let them all go and they all died from the cold. – That’s beautiful man.

Or they could get an ‘Aiko’. An ‘Aiko’ is an android, in her twenty’s, has a 32-23-33 figure, a pretty face with shiny hair and she cleans the house and does the washing up, and with a few ‘tweaks’ she can even become your sexual partner. Le, 33, from Ontario Canada is the boff who made ‘her’ and ‘she’ was originally planned to help the elderly, but as he says, “Aiko is what happens when science meets beauty.” After two years and ₤14k later Le says, “Her software could be redesigned to stimulate her having an orgasm.” – ‘She’ can react to tickles and recognises faces, she also knows 13,000 sentences. The big step is just that - to make her walk. But back to her arse and Le says, Women usually try to talk to her. But men always want to touch her, and if they do it in the wrong way she slaps them.” – Too much of the real thing can’t be good, surely!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIV! Kylie Minogue is the most groped waxwork at Madame Tussauds

Two hospital workers in Turin Italy have been fined for romping in the morgue surrounded by corpses. – No harm done!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a sell by date?”

The first ever long distance phone call was made 50 years ago this week, from Bristol to Edinburgh

But we don’t want to know about that, we want to know about how Gran Catherine Roots received a police Heckler & Koch sub-machine gun through the post when she was expecting horse gear. Catherine said, “I was shocked – absolutely petrified. Something as serious as a sub machine gun shouldn’t be sent by courier.” – Dorset Police in Winfrith agreed but has yet to take the bridle off.

Ok, let’s finish with the Gossard Big M Survey, which intimately interviewed 1000 women with a string of questions revealing their sexual attitudes, habits, fantasies and practices. It turns out that nine out of 10 regularly pleasure themselves. ⅔’s will tickle three times a week – in London it’s been known to be four! 92% of the 18-30 year-olds admitted it, that’s compared to 74% in 1979 and 62% in 1953 – well, that was a Coronation year.

A leading women’s coach (What?) Jessica Cher said, “It’s no wonder more and more women are self pleasuring when you look at how liberated we’ve become in other areas of our lives and the sort of mood boosting hormones orgasms give us. (Hmm, yes)

One of the best things about pleasing ourselves is that it gives us more confidence when we’re intimate with our partners – we communicate better and feel more satisfied, which is good for everyone.” – Yes - Run rabbit run rabbit run, run, run…