Crazy Fool's Newsround - 5-11th oct 07 volume 253

5-11th oct 07 volume 253
October, 11th 2007 00:57 AM

Summer’s Trail

(A pathos tale by Zahir R Shortcomings)

The scene; It’s 4 minutes past three, Mr. Muddleton zooms from Pencilskirt Grammar School For Girls in his zesty orange MG Midget. Miss Cartwright the art and R.E. teacher is saddled beside him, yet also beside herself with an erotic over - ado. They’re bound for the Italian Alps for a summer break scheduled to be ransacked full of winery, duggery and buggery. In the boot, held shut by three bungee cords, is a Thornton’s Hamper of the utmost fineries, which in cahoots they rigged at the Spottybottomly village fete’s raffle just the previous Saturday. As the playboy’s sports wagon crackles and pops out from the gravelled et grandiose exit, Mr. M exhorts the epitome of an X-rated lashing of Five Go Tits Up in Tuscany, as he beeps pompously at fool, the groundsman/come part-time cigarette and gin dealer.

Mr. Muddleton: Chow-bella fool – (he yells in a distant flash of tangy haughtiness that would confuse fool till opening time.)

fool: eh?

Narrator: fool doesn’t speak Italian.

The End.

Narrator (Off mike) Bravo, bravo. But enough of the knockers and begrudgers – here’s the quiz…

1. The MG Midget was made by which car company?

2. Variola is the proper name for which killer disease?

3. Which living motor racing driver had been given the last rites before becoming World Champion?

4. What is the slowest moving fish?

5. Which is the only star in our solar system?

6. What is French for twenty?

7. What runs every July in Pamplona?

8. What was Sherlock Holmes’ favourite vice? A) Breaking and entering B) Injecting cocaine C) Frequenting Gin Palaces

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – It’s a results fest!

WHO AM I? – Aha – gotchya. Clue No.1 again for the short termed memory losers; Clue No.1: “I’m short, fat and hairy, but good, and I love birds!” – And Clue No.2, “My fellow bikers had a double-barrelled back yard!” – No, hang on, hold the front page, the first clue was had, done dusted and wrapped up by none other Monsieur Dracule – again – it was Bill Oddie. But I liked clue numero 2 so much I kept it in there. However now let’s have an all new, new clue for an all new, new show; “My ‘master’ is a hippy who likes my snacks and the others are college mummy’s boys, always squirming about new monsters and gauls, never getting on with serious stuff like sex and drugs.”

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Some words from other languages

Portuguese – palaver, albino, albatross, marmalade.

Hungarian – sabre, coach, hussar, paprika, goulash.

Aztec – avocado, chilli, tomato, chocolate, coyote.

And…

Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was ‘taken out’ after he had surgery. – Surely you’d fall in half!

But now those who can only afford the bus please step aside for…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food – what more do you want? – See what’s on every Wednesday in the *classifieds – under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants…and did someone say party?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh September – cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds. Couldn’t get enough of those steaks last month dude – see what’s on offer this month.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in their rugby world cup t-shirt collection in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now – something for the weekend?

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Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger has some off the cuts info for you this week, now that the season has wound up, nevertheless gearing up for the next one.

*Trigger, although busy last week is back in the saddle this week, so hold onto your reins.

*Tit-bits – got a couple of gooduns on stones and Jocks. *Grub–Up will continue to delight you with Cameron Diaz’ lips on the side, whilst *Fishman – informs the fool he could be back at the helm in a couple of week’s and *Bongo Massif Bro’s – are sending an envoy out sometime this month!

Mr. Meaner…You and me outside now – let’s settle this…

But now it’s ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

There was a bloke, a mysterious bloke who put a million on New Zealand to win. I’m not sure if that was quid or Kiwi bucks – either way, like the 4million other Kiwi’s, I bet he felt a bit sheepish on Sunday morning!

I’m not sure Australia’s outback critters would have faired too well either, but it doesn’t matter now because it’s all Jethro Tull! (Living in the Past-1970) - Let’s re-cap…No, no…let’s have a Derek and Clive moment at the expense of …well you’ll get it… ‘Laugh, I nearly shat, I haven’t laughed so much since Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle…’

The first quarter final saw England romp off with a stunning win over Australia 12-10, prompting Brian Ashton to glee, “In the first 30 minutes we played some of the best rugby anyone’s played against Australia in recent years.” – And he wasn’t wrong – most pubs, the fool guarantees were stunned into silence, taken a-back by a marauding English pack who simply smashed Australia into submission in every collision area. – There is no politer way of putting it. – Unless you want to put jam on top, but the fool hasn’t got any jam.

Lote snuck a try on the 32^nd minute, but the rest of the game was how Mortlock described it, ‘Bullish’ and ‘England’s domination at the breakdown area.’ – It smelt very reminiscent of Australia’s semi win over the Blacks many moons ago only with a higher tar level!

Australia were not allowed any rhythm, continuity or the normal reliable brilliance of the Gregan’s, Mortlocks, Gateau’s or Latham’s. But then that is very hard when you are being shoved all over the paddock by a moss-trooping horde of wild ox – what is the collective of ox – is it herd?

Mortlock will probably still be kicking himself for missing a couple of kicks but the Sgt. Wilco fella missed three and two drops at goal, so in the end it was all down to, as Vickery put it, “I don’t know (How we did it) – a bit of belief, doggedness and determination.” – And jam.

Let’s leave this game with Connolly as he now leaves the Wallabies camp; “Obviously the World Cup’s the pinnacle. We gave it our best shot and it wasn’t good enough. There are the facts of the matter, we just have to live with it, accept it and get on.” – Scone Connolly?

Ok, onto surprise No.2 quarter and France dug deep when it was 13-0 at half time and came back – again – to halt, nay, and stun, nay stupefy the whole of New Zealand with what was another much deserved win; 20-18. – get out ze jam again hee-hor hee-hor.

Macaw described his army as ‘rattled’ and it was almost as tragic as a ‘Summer’s Trail’ when we saw one of the best players in the game, certainly one of the best and most gracious of All Blacks captains, feel the indescribable pain as he mumbled, “We had dreams of what we would do today, but we got beaten by a better team.” – Then the whole of New Zealand sunk into the Specific!

31 phases of attack Le Cocks hung on for into in the ‘dying’ 20 minutes, and if the fool’s said it a million times he’s said it at least four – their defence is their attack.

Not to harp on with England’s win, but ‘very Scottish bloke down the pub’ rused that if England win then all the Northern Hemisphere sides would win. Chabal must have heard him because he quipped that the French watched the ‘English’ game as their warm up and noted, “We saw what was possible if you believe in yourselves, so we played the same way as England – with aggression and raw power.” – Always copying the English they are. – Get your own jam.

Laporte echoed what was obviously the order for the weekend, “We had leaders out there against New Zealand who were ready to die on the pitch. It was a great win but it wasn’t a final, it was just a quarter final. There is still work to do.” – No, no, you’re professionals, no more working on the site or burning sheep at the ports what ever it was you used to do for a living before 1995!

Ok, in No.3 South Africa were taken to the proverbial wire – but then they probably put the wire up, electrified it and fed the carcasses to the buzzards – God, fool hopes no ‘Is-it’s’ take offence!

The Boks eventually smashed their way in front with 5 tries to two finishing on 37-20 (wasn’t it?). But not before the Fijians – all 15 of the incredibly ugly bastards – nearly caused upset number 3! On 14 men the islanders chomped their way through two cracking tries from Delasau and Bobo, leaving tacklers in their wake and collecting the two points from each as well.

Jake White saw a burning necklace coming his way, until the Boks held fast onto their resolve and came back too strong causing White to squirm, “The last twenty minutes was the best Test rugby we’ve played in the last six months.” – To be fair they probably were – bar the 18 tackles they missed.

Right-ho, the last quarter saw a real dark Shetland pony in Scotland come away with their heads held high and their potential intact. They went down 19-13 to a ferocious Argentinean bully beef tin, but not without a fight.

Chris Cussiter slotted some revenge with a try on the 63^rd and from then on in it was Scotland attack, attack, attack and the Argies defend, defend, defend, - by all accounts the bars in Buenos Aries were heard to cry, ‘Dios, no puedo creer que estemos sufriendo asi. (Oh God, I cannot believe we are suffering this way!)’ – Eventually he heard them

Scotland were not exactly super dynamic for the 80, and could probably only blame themselves, as big Frank Hadden explains, “Some of our decision making lacked maturity, while Argentina were streetwise and sharp. We found it hard to get going.” – And now they’re gone!

Games to watch over the weekend:

Again, all of them…

Try them in this order; France v England, where no doubt the French tactic will be to smash Sgt. Wilko and the English to keep Chabal at bay – but there’s more to it and them than that. It will be a monumental – mental physical encounter between a couple of sides holding a lot of beef – for a start there’s Agincourt and the Joan of Arc. But it was Laporte who notched the etch on the wall when he said, “Like England, we have been getting stronger and stronger, so next Saturday’s semi-final will be a fierce game.” – Without sounding like a twat the fool predicts that if both teams ‘turn up’ then le Cocks will snap it…whatever that means!

In game two; the fool simply sees no way through for a miracle from God finale appearance from the Corned beef bully boys, even with the likes of Hernandez and Contemponi in the running for the IRB’s player of the year award. – South Africa by 10!

World cup shorts:

Biggest disappointment: Four years of crap from the Kiwi’s about that French forward pass!

Biggest idiot: Connolly’s attack on Regan and England’s fair play, especially once Vickery stumbled upon the notion; “What makes me laugh is Connolly banging on about fair play, from a man known in rugby for years as ‘Knuckles.’

One to watch this weekend: French hooker…erm let’s leave it there.

Biggest confusing comment: From Brian Ashton, “There was no major surgery by any stretch of the imagination; we just simplified things a little bit.”

Biggest bitch exchange comment: “Heard the one about the New Zealand bra? Great support but no cup.

The odds: Of fool getting something right!

Best comment of the week: “On Saturday France meet England at St. Denis, on Sunday South Africa meet Argentina at St. Denis, on Monday New Zealand met Australia at the Charles de Gaule airport.”

Saddest stat and subsequent comment:

Some off the cup shorts:

None.

Johnno’s best ever bald headed world cup team: (Fill in at will)

15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. Britney1. Yul Brenner

Other Results:

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

Stop, stop, stop the world … the fool’s getting off – there is a rock n roll crazy cape and a great Tommy Cooper moment, and the fool did have a bumper week of joves and quips for you, but alas he is Tom Dick and cannot carry on – hasta la vista mongrels!

Till next week…

Other sports:

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

Crazy Rock n roll capes part VI: Not so much crazy as a tad poignant this week, if not ironic in its context, however it’s all a little crazy – Isn’t it? - This week’s capes are the last lines to be sung live by Jimi Hendrix on 5^th September 1970, two weeks before he died, just two months shy of his 28^th birthday. Taken from, probably the best song ever, of all time mate…Voodoo Child (slight return)… ‘If I don’t see you no more in this world/ I’ll meet you on the next one and don’t be late, don’t be late.’

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.11: “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine,’ so that was nice.”