Crazy Fool's Newsround - 5 - 11th Jan '07' v.219

5 - 11th Jan '07' v.219
January, 11th 2007 02:58 AM

‘Stand fast men, fix your target, wait for it, wait for it, don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes.', Which was always a problem when fighting the ill fated Jaundice tribe from the southern banks of the Yangtze River back in 18 O' Opium.

Discipline

Discipline, that's what's needed from here on in troops, discipline. I didn't get out of bed this morning without it. Arghh, the glory! But January carries a heavy load of potential slackness, and unless you nip it in the bud now you're going to fall wayward to it's relentless poisoned ivy grip. But to hell with the knocker's and begrudger's, as you were I say - have that one more drink, put off cutting the lard till it's too late, slob on the couch on a lazy day wallowing in your own stale fermented stench. Why do today what you can do tomorrow. Be yourself - if just for the rest of your life, but keep your discipline eh, we don't all want to see your knickers... ‘Err, I do.'... ‘Yeah and me.'... ‘Me too.'... ‘Ooh yeah, I wouldn't mind.'... ‘Oh, go on then, just a little peak, if you insist.' ... ‘phoarw...nurse...more handkerchiefs!'

But now let's slip into something...a tad more quizzical...

1. What are the difference in disciplines between a heptathlon and a decathlon?

2. What colour is an aeroplane's black box?

3. Which spaghetti western star played in Rawhide for six years?

4. Who did Muhammad Ali beat when he first became world champion?

5. Where do the cartoon Simpsons live?

6. What does C stand for in CBE?

7. What is a gibus?

8. Name the three musical instruments beginning with the letter T that feature in the brass section of an orchestra?

Don't forget last week's answers - what do you mean you forgot the questions - I don't know, did someone hear a doorbell!

It's all there under comps & results, plus more lyrics and Spot the something or other - but definitely no doorbells.

I'm getting sick of the recent WHO AM I? - It was Kermit - you Muppets.

This week's new WHO AM I? ‘I matched the world record TWICE this year.'

Is it me?

I'm glad to see we've still got the big guns at hand moving into (Casino Royale) 2007. Let's give a licence to shout about Pacharan...yeah. GTM...yeah. Foster's...yeah. Vasco's...yeah. Blue Gecko...yeah. Bootlace Holidays...yeah. Inkslinger Tattoo's...yeah.

Some big treats for you on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ this week. *Digger is ranting, *Trigger is raving, *Poetry corner is roaring and there's great *Tit-bits on the side. *TiV is back with a cracker, *Grub's-up again, *Archives is an essential office read this week, *Sports got some new thoughts from those that count, *Ashes is being revamped and have you tried your luck in the *Comps & results? And believe me the *Bongo Massif Bro's are lurking and as for *Fishman...he's nearly ready.

If that's all too much for ya - grab a load of this...

This week's rugby's rigours:

And as mentioned last week, this is a rigorous time for the pro's in the game - but then they are pro's so don't take pity on them because they couldn't have a jolly up on Grandma's sherry over the festive period.

But what with the domestic leagues, the international leagues (Heineken Cup) and the splatterings of cup ties, players, in all corners of the globe, are blooding and vying themselves for either national duty (RBS Six Nations) or provincial glory (Super 14's).

And if they're not involved in those two looming prospects then they will be gearing themselves to a spot for their country's world cup squad. It's all going on.

It was all going on for Chris Latham in training with the Queensland Red's, until he scored a try and tore to pieces his anterior cruciate ligament, causing coach and ex Wallaby top dog, Eddie Jones to comment, "It was a freak accident." - A freak accident, which will definitely cost him the Super 14's, but he reckons he'll be back for the world cup - so did Jona, Wilko, Dallaglio...

freak accident

Eddie in the meantime has been getting himself into hot water with the Queensland Rugby Union and the Australian Rugby Union. First he called Queensland's investigation into Latham's injury an, ‘absolute joke' which prompted the QRU to tell him to button it. Then he described the ARU's decision to ‘exclude' 22 of the national players from Super 14 warm games as an ‘absolute farce.' Which, of course it is.

As Jones said, "To go into a first competition game without a trial game scrummaging to me is difficult to visualise." - Just think of breasts, that'll take your mind off it.

thats better

Keeping in Australia and John ‘knuckles' Connolly has stood by himself for sending the ‘flabby four' home from a national pre-season training day. He said, "As for sending the four home, there's no point in setting standards unless you're going to do something about it when people do not reach the mark."

Well, they were told that if they didn't reach the targets they would be sent home. What targets were they? 20 reps of 50m's and 20 reps over 100m's. Lote Tiqiri, Morgan Turinui and Tatafu Polotu-Nou didn't finish and although Mark Gerrard managed to finish he didn't do it in the permitted time slot.

‘Knuckles' went on to say, "We don't want to be starting a world cup year behind the eight-ball." - Has he got the right sport?

Gerrard agreed he's got a month to get fit before the Super 14's, whilst the other three tucked into another handful of witchetty bugs.

witchetty time

Not sure what cf was implying there but he does know that Dr Poia Reui, senior lecturer at the School of Maori Studies, Otago University, isn't happy with the English ladies team from Canterbury who have posed topless, performing the Ka Mato haka for their 2007 calendar - all for Breast Cancer Care. Doc Poia called them ‘racially ignorant', and added, "It looks like a misuse of the haka to me."

Oh what a happy soul, and how come they're the only team to get to dance before a game, the Irish could do a jig, the English some Morris dancing and the Samoans and Fijians could ritually eat someone perhaps. And another thing, why doesn't haka have a capital H?

By the way, Samoa lost to a rather young Blue Bulls team on Wednesday night, somewhere on the Highveld 35-23. The Samoan's are off to Aus next. - It's good to see them getting out and about isn't it.

Ex 68 cap All Black John Kirwin is to coach Japan for the next 2 years. He got sacked by the Italians didn't he? Anyway, in the world cup Japan are in a group with Australia, Fiji, Wales and Canada. John said, "We are determined to do our best to win all the matches in the world cup." - And you can't get fairer than that.

Japan

A bit of trivia: from the period 1911 - 1920 France never won a single game! They play Argentina in the opening game of the world cup on 7^th Sept in Stade De France at 21:00 local time

Back in the now and Dean Richards has been told that if England new boy in charge Brian Ashton doesn't perform in the coming Six Nations then he'll (Dean) will be his new right hand man - the team manager. Well, it's another one into the pot and it's worth £500,000 a year. Dean nonchantly said, "I haven't been bothered with all the media talk." - Who did he just talk to then?

Ok. Lastly; grounds men at Ireland's new rugby stadium, Croke Park, formerly the Gaelic football ground, insist the pitch will be ready by 10^th Feb (France and England they'll host this year). The stadium itself isn't up to much, it could do with a lick of paint, but black market tickets, for the terraces alone are going for £235! But back to the pitch, and at the moment it's a mixture of artificial and real grass - what's artificial grass in Ireland - concrete!

Croke Park?

Ok, onwards and onwards and cricket:

It seems quite a while now since the Aussies 5-0 romp over England in the Ashes, but watching the recent Twenty 20 match when the grounds commentator said, "Give a big welcome to the new batsman who is Paul Collingwood MBE" brought it all back.

I'll not harp on too much but just point out some of the finer pointers of how a team has won their 12^th Test in a row, Warney summed it up best, he said, "England have played some good cricket at times, too, but when the big moments were there, the Australian cricket team stood up and someone put their hands up."

No.708

Warney then so astutely went on to say in reference to his retirement, "I'm a competitive person, so now I'll be playing poker, pool and golf. Maybe there won't be photographers following me around and I can get my gear off and dance on top of a bar if I want to." - Of course you can mate - the worlds your lobster now.

Yours Mr Warne

But back to the cricket and a lot of talk has been of Michael Vaughan's return as captain. Bloke down the pub reckons England will live to regret that decision 4 months down the track - cf said he'd never remember him saying it, but he did!

New young lad Paul Nixon 36 described events best, when he said of Freddie's ‘dismissal', "He (Freddie) discovered Matthew Hoggard had cut off the red stripes from his adidas trainers. He had striped him of his captaincy."

Ricky Ponting wasn't half as funny going into the twenty 20 circus, he says of it, "My problem is that I can't play a game in which I'm wearing my national team colours and my opponents are wearing theirs and treat it as just being fun!"

Aus colours

Andrew ‘Roy' Symonds on the other hand, and while I think about it would suit the circus quite well, was a bit more up-beat, he said, "Both teams will probably have a bit of fun with each other and the crowd." - So nerr Ricky!

And indeed they did have fun; Australia amassed a record breaking score of 221, with no less than 14 sixes to England's solitary 1 six from the young fella Paul Nixon.

Vaughany top scored for England's total off 144 -9 with 27, and when asked about his knee said, "My knee is fine but my neck hurts from watching all those sixes hit by Australia."

England go into the first ODI of the triangular series against Oz on Friday as severe underdogs - but then anything can happen in cricket. - William Gilbert Grace played top flight cricket for 36 years - but they've only got a day!

Some snippets of stuff you maybe didn't know or have forgotten; England lost the last Test by 5 wkts and 33 runs. Australia have won 16 of their 17 Tests since the Ashes ‘05' - who did they lose to? Warney finished his career on 708 wickets and 3,154 runs from 145 Tests, with no test tons - that puts him 5^th in the all time all rounder stakes. The others in order are; Jacques Kallis, Shaun Pollock, Andrew Flintoff and Daniel Vettori. Jones, Giles, Read and Stressco are likely to never play for England again! Strauss and Cook failed to reach an opening partnership of 50 in all 5 Tests, the first time since the 1886 Ashes. Paul Collingwood was the only player to hit a double century in this Ashes series. And Pakistan's Mohammad Yousif holds last years record for Test runs with 1,788 and 9 tons. McGrath retired on 563 wickets.

That's all for cricket.

Here's the late news:

On New Year's day in the UK 214m texts were sent - that's 9m an hour.

they're out there

The 8^th Jan in the UK is divorce lawyers busiest day of the year. Affairs are the top offenders with 27%. Merely falling out of loves accounts for 22%, men abusing women is 16% and apparently the 7 year itch is real, 7 years and 3 months is the trigger, but then if you make it to 10 years you're usually stuck with each other for life - you hear that Mrs cf? Now look what we're in for!

7 year itch

Mick Jagger recently starred in a Yank sit-com where he stars as himself (Who else?) and he gets to show off his £27m pad, where he struts around playing football with his reluctant servants - they are servants you know, there's no denying it. Anyway his house gets robbed - it's a bit of a joke and he's an old joke - done.

Micks car

Monty Panesar got beard of the year award, he beat Bill Bryson, Terry Pratchet and cf himself and said, "It's nice to get an award for something I've had since I was 16." - Well said, I would've said the same thing had I won, but with a different number.

Monty?

A male and female turntone, bird like creature, bit like a cross between a gull and pigeon, have been hitching a lift on the Falmouth River ferry, from Falmouth to St Mary's in Cornwall for the past 2 years. Every morning without fail they're on the 8.15 then return again on the 4.30. Skipper John Brown said, "We aren't sure why they don't fly, maybe they're a bit lazy or just like the company." - I reckon they're just lazy - charge them.

Now thats just lazy

Coke is so widely used in the UK that it's on 99.9% of bank notes. Dr. James Carter said, "Once cocaine is fixed to a note it tends to not come off." - Why sniff it from a note then - it gives drug money a whole new meaning - know wonder folk get hooked, they have to keep getting new notes because they can't get it off the old ones - it's a never ending cycle... ‘How was it?'... ‘I don't know, I can't get it off the note...'

Student Haley Davidson 19 from Newcastle (Geordie-land) is going to eat carrots for the next 30 days to prove the condition called Carotenemia turns your skin orange. - I wonder... ‘Mrs cf, there's an experiment I want to do with beer...'

after the beer experiment

Casio calculators have rolled off their billionth product from the factory this week, and a spokesman said, "Everyone has fond memories of making rude and funny words on the display when they should have really been concentrating in class." - Here are some of the best, - punch in the numbers - turn upside down: