Crazy Fool's Newsround - 4th - 11th march 10 volume 370

4th - 11th march 10 volume 370
March, 10th 2010 20:06 PM

“If you could read my mind love

What a tale my thoughts could tell

Just like an old time movie

‘Bout a ghost from a wishin’ well”

(Gordon Lightfoot)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta0a3DFUU0Y

Published 11.3.10

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

Malice in Wonderland

The scene: fool is deep inside the Mad Hatter’s ear, screaming at the Scottish lunatic to take malice on the Queen of Tarts. He then hops in the other ear and paints it purple whilst whispering Gordon Lightfoot sweet nothings… ‘Just like a paperback novel, the kind that a drug store sells…’

MH: Aye, tea fool? Aye I see, I put her in the tea pot, swirl her around a little, slurp her down with mulberry pie… Mulberry, but badgers and buggery, I havnae got any mulberry pie, I’ve only got tea; tea for three, you me and that mad bastard in my other ear. He’s been singing nonsense all day, something about a wishin’ well’s failed ghostly hero who doesn’t save the girl. Cannae, cannae Canuck’s.

Now here’s a canut for yee… that Alice. I gave her a spoonful of sugar instead of not no nay a lump of it, which I hasten to add had to be from Tate & Lyle no less, and now ma ear is blue and I cannae stop this singing in it. Shut up you mad bastard.

Aye, she’s behind this, you’re right fool – ‘take out Alice’. Uck man, there it goes again… ‘when it gets to the part…’ I cannae take it you ear, I can’t take, it’s driving me mad, looney, half mast on a shillingless ship to Nut-nut-land with only a hare’s chance of making it. Ooh Nut-nut-land, where the tea mug rugs wear toupees and dandelion’s burst with a capricious roar. ‘ROAR’, puffed the capricially-thingy-ma-jig Lion as its sun kissed head blows clear about the sky, puff, scattered to the wind, puff, into the wind, puff, about the wind, puff, with the wind. I’m sorry, that last one was me… ho, and that one, get yer pulmonary’s round that one eh.

‘Tea?’ asked I. You can take your tea to Timbuktu, but not be back again unless you’re ladled down, square and hefty with cubes of the saturated glycol box, from Tate & Lyle no less, and Nancy of course, ‘Come ‘ere Bullseye’ Who says that? Says I, cos I’d go anywhere, with her dear, anywhere, with her dear anywhere, anywhere? Anywhere…with or without you… I can’t live if living is without you, I can’t live, I can’t live anymore… (The March hare stabs him with an oar)

Argh, marvellous tea; be thee white, yellow, green, oolong, black or pu-erh, we’ll take tea…

(fool stands shaking in awe in the Mad Hatter’s outer ear, (not easy to say… no, on second thoughts it is) his eyes bounce, his nose involuntarily twitches, the hare on his palm stands rigid. Music beams from a distant kaleidoscopic trumpet. Tartans of wispy vapour curl around his toes. His paint brush and pot fall to his side, then raising his arms in triumph he rumbles into song…)

fool: OoooooooH, how I love you, how I love you, my dear old Maddy. I’d walk a million miles for one of your Tate & Lyles my…

MD: There’s that damn singing in ma ear again (sticks his finger in) – Ooh, mulberry pie… uck man, a hair. Argh well, tea fool? … fool?

Narrator: Act I scene II will continue in 5D in cinema 2 in 10 minutes. Don’t forget the panto at Christmas starring Billy Crystal as Jim Davidson and Meg Ryan as Megan Fox in Phallus in Wonderland

That’s not mulberry

1. What’s the Welsh name for tea?

2. Which batter mix is an accompaniment to roast beef?

3. What is Perry made from?

4. What musical instrument is the national emblem pf Ireland?

5. What is a puffball?

6. In which group of islands is Panay?

7. The Peace River is in which country?

8. Who was the third son of Adam and Eve? A) Abel B) Seth C) Cain

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at…it’ll be in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – No takers for this clue; “A Wandering Minstrel I – but I didn’t play the banjo.” How about this one; “I’d go down on one knee for you mum. Hang on; have we already had me before?”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 11: bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, (1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?

Norm: All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.

Cheers

*Non-descript trivia moment*

PATRON SAINTS

Bee keeper…St Ambrose

Speleologists…St Benedict

Gravediggers…St Anthony

Bakers…St Honoratus

Domestic servants…St Zita

fool’s Gold

Bing Crosby turned down the role of Colombo in the eponymous TV detective series before Peter Falk was offered the part

The Queen Mother used to describe her clothes as ‘my props’

The total energy in the universe is constant

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have this from the Doc…

Ed: A Q for the Doc: where do the names Uquart and Farquar (Not sure of spelling) come from?

Are they real? Is it only the rich British aristocracy who have bought them from coffee slurping camel traders via the sands of the Middle East or are they actual camel breeds?

During the Anglo Scottish Wars the Clan Urquhart fought at the The Battle of Pinkie Cleugh in 1547, where nine sons of the Chief died in battle. This was the last major battle between the Royal Scottish and Royal English armies. The variations of spellings of the name range from Arkahart to Orchard and amount in the dozens of spin off names - much of the reason can be attributed to bad translations over the years between Gaelic and English and probably alcohol. As is typical with these primitive cultures - clans have chiefs and the latest Urquhart chief - Kenneth is apparently an American citizen. Again one of his ancestors had a bit too much Johnnie Walker one night, rather than being renowned travellers - he just lost his way home on the boat; as he went home from the pub over Loch Ness to the family castle on the other side (Both the pub and castle are still there). How he ended up in the States is a mystery but some believe it was Nessy and that "Urqy" was transported via a time vortex to the USA ... because the country didn't exist at the time.

Ed: I’ve got a time vortex

The Farquhar's are Dr. Phil's subject of genealogy next week. Some of you may wonder if name variations such as "Far cup" Far Kennel" and "Far Queue" may be related.... probably - read next week to find out.

Ed: I got in touch with the Doc earlier in the week, but didn’t hear back from him so I quickly rustled up a ‘word’ for the week. Here it is: Quiz: Quiz is a prime example of an invented word. According to the story surrounding it, ‘quiz’ was devised in 1780 by a Dublin theatre manager named Daly. He wagered that he could introduce a new word with no meaning into the English language in just twenty-four hours. Daly’s wager was accepted and all around the city the four letters q,u,I,z were chalked up on walls and doors. Daly won his bet as ‘quiz’ became the centre of attention and everyone tried to find out what it meant. ‘Quiz’ has carried this sense of enquiry ever since and today it is the name given to many sorts of competitive tests, frequently comprising general knowledge questions.

(Courtesy of Lock, Stock & Barrel! Familiar sayings and their meanings)

For those of you who read the cricket section – you know what I’m talking about. I’m about to jot down a thribble or two now.

Letters:

____________________________________________________

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Red Tape & Celery – Oh, aye, they’re a canny pair. Don’t be fooled. Watch ‘em. It was originally to be just plain old admin, but the red tape got in the way. And whilst I was really getting disgruntled with the whole palaver of passport forms, visa forms, having to get a visa every month, booking flights, looking up courses, booking flights, filling out forms, to book flights, telling people where I wanted to go only to have them tell me! Exclamation marks. Booking flights. Booking a flight, researching a flight then having to book then actually going to the travel agent, which has moved by the way, people who use BTW instead of typing out the whole fucking thing, and re-booking exactly what you’ve already booked and then going home to book another flight just so you can fly back again immediately just to get a sodding visa. Whilst taking a breather from booking a flight I thought I’d make a simple celery soup, seen as I have a lump of celery in the fridge needing eating. What is the collective noun for a lump of celery? A batch, a coil a coup, I don’t know. But celery soup, easy, eh, you’d think so. Bunch of celery in a pot with some onion and garlic. Cost tuppence. But no, the cookbook says get a red onion. Do you know how much they cost? I thought it could do with some beefing up too, so I bought a chunk of chorizo. As I was buying it I knew I had some in the fridge. Better get some chicken stock. Dunno why, already got a lovely batch made from real chickens in the freezer. Not this Campbell’s crap. Ciabbatta bread – fuck me. Do you how long I queued for that. It’s bread, sodding bread. All I wanted to do was go out and book a flight, quick-sharp. And make a cheap, quick celery soup, with the ingredients I already had. Now God knows where I’m flying to and I’ve yet to make the most expensive soup and frustrating soup in the world because I didn’t have the time. Lasagne was good though. Red Tape & Celery - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

You know what I miss? The smell of an agricultural warehouse. Argh, reminds me of packing bulbs in Holland. Happy days.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…congratulations…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…got the other sock wahoo…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

Someone get me a T-shirt please

Order from: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

This bit is the rugby bit:

‘Pride, passion, weather – all play a part’

Shakespeare? No; Joe Worsley

Published 11.3.10

LV=Cup: / Heineken Cup: Nup

Guinness Premiership:

Sale slumped to Northampton 7-15 and with it conceded their 8th straight loss, rendering them bottom of the league. Chris Ashton and Paul Diggin scored for the Saints whilst Ben Cohen sniped one back for the Sharks/ Wasps stung Gloucester 24-19. Tindall scored a quality try for the Cherries, but it was David Lewis’ 71^st minute touch down that sealed things/ Leicester took care of L. Irish. Alesana Tuilaga, Scott Hamilton, Martin Castroviavani and George Chuter took the tries. Jim Staples did not play/ Leeds notched their third win on the trot and beat Sarries 19-12. Lee Blackett’s try on the hour was the only one/ Bath came back from 10-5 at the break to beat Newcastle 17-13. Flatman, Mears and Wilson came on in the second half to secure the scrum and Nick Abendanon and Wilson got the tries/ Quins rocked Worcester 14-11 with Mick Brown scoring for the London outfit and Miles Benjamin for the other mob. Rory Clegg booted ‘em for Quins. He was understudy for Sgt. Wilko at Newcastle, came to Quins and is understudy to Nick Evans and plays England Under 20’s – when does he get a game? Jim Staples nor Frankie Croxford played.

Top 14:

Castres beat Brive 35-10 in a one sided game. Tekori, Teulet, Garcia and Masoe scored their tries/ Toulon pipped Biarritz 21-20 thanks to a Jean Claude Oriolo 77^th minute try and conversion by Contemponi/ Bayonne wiped Alibi with 6 tries at 46-13/ And Bourgoin mounted Montabaun 22-14, which takes them out of the red zone and into the black – must be the time of the month/ Stade Francais nilled to Toulouse’ 29, who won everything from start to finish/ Montpellier secured their win over Racing Club Metro 92 in the 80^th minute thanks to a Todeschini try. And Jonny Weismillerwisnsiewski continued to drop goals – he got one in the first ten minutes/ Clermont and Perpignan shared a try a piece however, Clermont came out on top 22-17

Magners League:

Leinster topped the table by beating Cardiff 29-20/ Edinburgh four tried Ospreys in eight minutes to win 33-17 – the best coming from Mark Robertson from his own half/ Dragons slayed Munster’s big guns 31-22/ Scarlets beat Ulster 25-8 Fenby, Knoyle and Priestland played the banjo there/ Glasgow and Connaught shared the scores at 19 each and Jim Staples did not play.

Super14’s

Cheetahs blew the ‘Canes away 28-12. The New Zealanders were dead on their at the end of the game, and yes, they were comprehensively beat by good teamwork, but how much ‘told you so’s’ can you take from the South African pundits!/ Tah’s stunned the Sharks in to boredom and snuck it 25-21. As Waugh admitted they ‘didn’t push the passes’. The Durbanites will be wondering how they didn’t get a penalty try when Beale tapped the ball down from Terblanche’s pass to Kankowski when he was clear for the line. As his coach said, ‘He’s quicker than a winger.’/Stormer’s; four tries and a bonus point, in at 33, Highlanders 0/ Crusaders and Blues had a huge game with the Canterbury side just taking it 33-20/ And when the Reds found themselves down by 3 tries at 20-0 on 15 minutes against Chiefs, everyone thought it was all over. But the man raised in Hamilton, Quade Cooper and the stocky terrier Will Genia turned on the heat just as they have done all season, and things didn’t quite go to plan – Reds 28-18 Chiefs - yeah/ Brumbies had to fight hard for their win over Lions 24-13. Lealiifano and Moore helped them score, in fact, they did score.

fool says:

Ireland v Wales – how do you pick it? Easy, Ireland will win. Wales just haven’t been good enough this Six Nations. They’ve left everything too late and have all too often been let out of jail through opposition complacency and reliance on the magic of Williams (6623). Ireland to be honest, haven’t been that far behind them, but have shown enough experience and resolve to state themselves the better team, especially with a back row in Heaslip, Wallace and Ferris. Ding-dong of the day will be between B. O’D, who wins his 100^th cap and D’Arcy, they’re up against Roberts and Hook. Ireland will most definitely win at home – Ireland 24-11 Wales

Scotland v England – well, fool had the Scots down as his dark horse. They’re doing ok in the Magners. They played ok in the November Tests. They’ve had snippets of fine rugby in this tournament, but they simply haven’t got that win to give them the confidence to make it another win, and another. England are in not too dissimilar a position, but they are arguably the better side. Two soft tries conceded against Ireland have set them back a notch, and believe the fool; a win against Ireland would have England hands down as favourites. But this is the Calcutta Cup, this is huge. This is in Scotland and … hang on a minute, how come all the Scottish have suddenly turned Italian? Nick De Luca is the only change in their side, coming in at outside centre, forcing Simon Daniella out on the wing. Scotland have won their last two encounters against England at Murrayfield, and yes, this English team do get rattled on the back foot. However, England will win it 27-16. Do we need to mention Worsley’s in for Moody? Na

France v Italy – France will win, they’ll win by a lot, everyone will say Italy were unlucky, and all the points came either in the first or last ten minutes. That’s the way it is. Italy play a credibly disruptive game. The slightest mistakes will let in a good team to score. France will take them when it’s least expected. France will win 46-11. But as we know, there is a God, and now is the time he could really do justice in the world, although seeing England go to Paris for the final game, strip them of their Grand Slam and take the title is a better dream to wait for.

Some shorts:

Frederick Michalak is out for nine months with crucial ligaments, very crucial by the sounds of it. Heinrich Brussow is also out, indeed he’ll be out for the rest of the S14’s, at least, with a busted shoulder, and le Bastereaud is also out after hurting himself in a gym session – but you never can tell with him eh!

Mike Phillips has become Britain’s highest earner, sealing a deal at Ospreys for £1.5m over four years. His basic salary before bonuses is £180k. That’s not the highest salary in Britain though. That goes to Kiwi, Carl Hayman at Newcastle on £350k a year.

Jacque Fourie’s try in the 74^th minute against the Lions in the 2^nd Test won him the Players Association IRB try of the year. The Boks won that crucial game 28-25 and fool played the trumpet as I recall.

Welsh international Gareth Delve looks like he might be off to Melbourne Rebels with the Cip, along with Michael Lipman, ex Bath and England who was banned for coke use. Well, Lipman was on the cards until the ARU put a block on him saying he doesn’t meet their, ‘range of criteria’. Although Justin Harrison has signed up for Brumbies! – Watch this space.

The Calcutta Cup is the oldest international in the world. It’s between England and Scotland. The cup was formed in 1878 and fashioned from 270 Indian Rupees. The army side melted down their ‘kitty’ after having no one else to play. It is fiercely competed over and probably its most damned memory is when Scotsman, John Jeffrey’s and Englishman, Dean Richards kidnapped it only for it to return battered and bruised some days later in a taxi. John said it started after and ‘unholy scrap’ at the post match dinner and culminated in John and Dean’s plan to fill it with whiskey and tip it over Brian Moore’s head. Both were last seen running out of a pub door with ‘Pit-bull’ in pursuit. Hence it is now dubbed the Calcutta Plate.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit is done, long live John Smit’s XV of famous people who have a famous relative in sport – can be the same sport or a completely different one. Can be an actor in the John Smit XV, but he has to be relevant to that position, i.e. Elvis at flyhalf – sharp, nimble, play/decision maker, good hip swerve (he had a brother, but died at birth!). Can be an actress, author, sportsman etc…

Send ‘em in, you win a prize; if you have 8 or more pairings the same as fool, you win a special prize.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another year and half of him yet!

Sent in by the Quizmaster formerly known as the Silent Third party:

fool, Here are 15 relatives in sport:

15. Bobby & Jackie Charlton (football) 14. Frank Lampard Senior & Junior (Football) 13. Harry & Jamie Redknapp (Football) 12. George Forman and Freeda Forman (Boxing) 11. Ben Cohen (Eng; RFU) & Stan Cohen (Eng; football/soccer) 10. Craig & Alister McDermott (Aussie cricket) 9. Stuart & Chris Broad (England Cricket) 8. Brian & Nigel Clough (Football) 7. Alex & Darren Ferguson (Football) 6. Ian & Liam Botham (Cricket, football & Rugby) 5. Graham & Daman Hill (Motor racing) 4. Greg Norman & Gregory Norman (Golf) 3. Gilles & Jacques Villeneuve (Motor racing) 2. Venus & Serena Williams (tennis) 1. Gary & Phil Neville (football)

A good team Mr. QfkatSTP, but Gary & Phil Neville at prop, hmmm

In the meantime; here’s fool’s Heineken Cup/Super14’s team – players who have played in both:

15. Christian Cullen (Munster & Hurricanes) 14. Lote Tiquiri (Leicester & Waratahs) 13. Luke McAlistair (Sale & Auckland Blues) 12. Aaron Mauger (Leicester & Crusaders) 11. Casey Laulala ( & )10. Dan Carter (Perpignan & Crusaders) 9. Byron Kelleher (Toulouse & Highlanders & Chiefs) 1. Carl Heyman ( Newcastle Falcons & Highlanders) 2. Gary Botha (Harelquins & Blue Bulls) 3. CJ Van Der Linde (Leinster & Cats & Cheetahs) 4. Corniel Van Zyl ( Trevisio & Cheetahs) 5. Paul Tito (Cardiff Blues & Hurricanes) 6. Jerry Collins (Toulon & Ospreys & Hurricanes) 7. Marty Hollah (Ospreys & Chiefs) 8. Luke Watson (Bath & Western Province)

Subs: Justin Marshal (Leeds, Ospreys, Montpellier, Saracens & Crusaders) Ricki Januarie (Osprey & Lions & Stormers) Schalk Brits (Saracens & Stormers), Bruce Rheina (Northampton & Chiefs), Greg Somerville (Gloucester & Crusaders) – the rest next week

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

John, I’m only thribbling, don’t get me wrong. Aye, the wind’s in the main sheet tonight. She turns me on, don’t get me wrong, I’m only thribbling… um, yes; can we have a song there Mike? I dunno something by Bowie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXILmiNEf_k

Meanwhile, back in Guyana the Zimbledons beat the Windonians, not only in the Twenty/20 but an ODI too. 254 for 5 sealed the deal with Visa Sibada twatting a steady 95 off 162. Was his name Visa? Bastard. With help from Hamilton Masakadza on 41 and Tatendi Taibu’s 56 off 54 the Windies were blown away. Only Chanderpaul offered any resistance on 75.

James Tredwell looks likely for a Test spot for England against the Bangles on Friday. He scored 6 for 95 against the ‘A’ side in the three-dayer. A draw finished that game as England chased a 284 run lead. Not much to report, bar a Steve Finn pearler to rattle Raqbal Hassan’s stumps, and a not too dissimilar one a few balls later by Ajmal Shazhad on Mohammad Ashrafael’s. Oh, and of course Cook’s and Carberry’s dismal spin which forfeited 189 runs in 9 overs

Coach Andy Flower is happy enough; except he’s got a slight head scratcher regards selection. KP’s in, despite not being able to hit for toffee but it’s the 7 pace bowlers he’s concerned about. Borderbum’s gone home and Broad and Onions’ have got bad backs. They blame it on the hotel beds. Matt Prior suggested get big lumps of foam in, they did, but they know he’s just sucking up because he’s worried about Kieswetter taking his gloves, and he wants all the other players on his side.

In New Zealand the Chappell-Hadlee game two was levelled by the Aussies on 237 for 7 and 12 runs the better. Duckworth and Lewis played their part as the Black Caps had to chase 266 off 45 overs. Vettori’s 70 was all too much, far too late, as they struggled on 46 for 4 at on stage.

The Punts was satisfied with a win, but he didn’t call it the best. Johnson chipped in with 4 for 51, and Haddin, White and Hussey all scored 50’s.

Australia won the next game by 6wickets, after some poor New Zealand batting in Hamilton. That’s where Masadakza is from. Ross Taylor knocked 50 off 41. Styris 45 and Gareth Hopkins 55, but as Vettori said, that isn’t good enough; “I suppose it’s just taking ownership of your innings and reaching that 20’s and 30’s and 50’s and 60’s, aren’t good enough against Australia.” – What about the 70’s?

The Punts was back to his normal self and called it the best win yet and was quick to applaud Haddin’s 110, although his 69 wasn’t bad, but it’s not in the 70’s, is it Vet. The Punts; “It was a more commanding performance for us. Brad obviously played a massive role in our win tonight.”

At the moment New Zealand are 179/7 after 39 overs at Eden Park. Can you guess what time of day it is – first correct answer in wins a prize – a pair of protective glasses from British Gas

Ok, that’s it, not talking IPL, not ready for it yet. But there is this from Freddie; although Alan Donald and Michael Kasprowicz are favourites for the England pace bowling job, Freddie says Darren Gough is the man; “He would be great. He knows bowling inside and out so they should ask Goughie.” – Yeah, fool’s with you Fred – We Want Goughie – When Do We Want Him? Now

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re there – couldn’t find the episode from Porridge when they tap this tune on the pipes, but here’s the original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67xXbTaQlKI

Other Sports:

The Schu’s on the other foot this Sunday in Bahrain. He’s racing for Mercedes and he’s pairing an all German outfit with Nico Rosberg. In the Brit corner are The Ham and Button in MacLaren’s. Let’s not forget Webber and the best bloke in the circuit Vettel in Red Bull. Bringing up the novelty factor are Virgin Racing and Lotus Racing. It’s going to be great – Biggles v Red Baron and Mad Max on the outside.

Ricky Hatton is definitely retiring. He’s just come back from holidaying in Oz. he’s gone off again, this time to his property in Tenerife with pals. And he’s basically admitted the 12 week training programme is too hard. He was supposed to fight in June. But to get down to 10st, from, well, probably around 15 is just not going to happen. More diet Guinness Ricky.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Now, talking about breasts… weren’t we? Maria Alaimo 47, wanted hers bumped up to a 36C, which if you’ve listened to the radio show you would know how a bra should fit them. The trouble is Maria was left with four, after surgery in New York went wrong causing what is known as the ‘double bubble’ effect. Her attorney, who is helping her sue Dr Brown for $5m in damages, said she has, “severe swells the size of a softball on top.” – Dr Brown, in his defence was adamant he reminded her of all the risks stating, “She was only concerned with the glamour part.” – All she has now is her mammories – argh, remember the Alamo. Is that what the double D cup means? Ok, enough.

Andrew Dymond 46 had sex with a dead squid. What is it with these 40 year old’s. He was charged with, ‘performing an act of intercourse with a dead animal, namely an octopus/ squid, which was grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character.’ – A dead squid. That’s just wrong. Where’s the love.

The sex industry in Japan is crying out for the trolly-dolly’s uniforms from Japan Airlines. The authentic ones are like gold. The airline went bankrupt in January but the company is trying to microchip its stock to stop it falling into the hands of evil rumpy-pumpiests. Meanwhile a 41 year-old Swede has been flying Boeing 737’s for the past 13 years on a fake license. He had a commercial license but not one allowing him to carry passengers. Police nabbed him at Schipol Airport about to take a plane load to Ankara, Turkey. A spokesman said, “The pilot said he was relieved that his miss-deeds had come to light, and he pulled off his stripes at the time of his arrest.” He had worked in countries in Belgium, Britain and Italy and had, ‘expertly misled them with false papers.’ – 13 years – he might as well keep the job.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Scott Engel and Gary Leeds are the Walker Brothers and only chose the name because they like it’ – here’s their best song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceafx0Y3bB0

A recent sex study published in the British Medical Journal states that 40% of 75-85 year-olds are still doing it. And a dead squid is wrong!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper bit but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: Prairie Dogging – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up all over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

Regional Food Groups are up in arms in Yorkshire and Humberside. They’re out to protect the humble Yorkshire pudding and give it the same status as Champagne and Parma. It was first named by 18^th century food writer Hannah Glasse and it’s taken this long for it to be recognised as a top ranking dish. So if you’re Chinese and you’re making bits of dough and calling them Yorkshire puddings – don’t, cos you’re not allowed.

Not the same pudding

Esat Attindagoghu’s wife’s Virgin Mary’s weeping oil. Still with me? Good. The 8 inch statue was given to her by a Lebanese priest back in 2006, but it only started leaking on 12^th February this year. Now they’re getting up to 50 people a day coming round to look at it at their village just outside Paris. Esat wants it blessed. The local priest has given it his once over. The Bishop is next, but only one artefact has been appointed by the Pope and that was Our Lady of Akita in Japan in 1973. Abba then wrote a song about it and chicken tikka sales went through the roof… eh?

A chicken

Put air in your booze and you won’t get a hangover. The Koreans tested it with their rice wine. It’s something to do with enzymes in the liver that need oxygen. That’s why I always drink bubbled water after a pissy night. Put it in your Yorkshire’s.

Different pudding

Megan Bunes 37 from Cudjoe Key Florida crashed her because she was trimming her bikini line on her way to see her boyfriend and wanted to be ready. Traffic cop Gary Dunnick said, “If I wasn’t there I wouldn’t have believed it. Nothing will ever beat this.”

Dan Martin’s 6ft 5i, is 28 and 24st, but he wants to get bigger and will do so eating 7 meals a day. Why? Because the mad Englishman is going to swim the Atlantic. Yep, all bloody 3,600 miles of it. He’ll wear no wet suit, hence the lard, for warmth and bouncy. On the way from Brest in France to New York he aims to raise 1m for orphans. Jeez, I’d be an orphan for that. I’m gonna sponsor him, because that is something else… isn’t it? That’s just nuts. The bloody Atlantic! Bloke Down the Pub keeps telling me to use fewer exclamation marks. But the bloody Atlantic!

A school in Newcastle has shed out £10k for the state of the art scales. The InBody Analysis machine measures fat and muscle levels, bone density and possible vitamin and nutrient deficiencies. Dr Kelly is the mad headmaster who bought the thing and justifies himself by saying, “We want a clearer picture for labelling fat or thin. We’re not a nanny school that badgers pupils – we provide information.” – Mad badger

Belinda White was told to go home by doctors who told her that her stomach problems were Irritable Bowel Syndrome and gout. Three hours later she gave birth to a healthy baby daughter and called her Louise. Belinda said she thought these things only happened in magazines and not to real people, which makes her a magazine person. She said, “I went on rollercoaster’s at Alton Towers, water slides in Spain. I probably ate all the wrong foods. Luckily I do not smoke and I stopped drinking alcohol as it made me feel sick.” I’ve got gout in my big toe – better have a check up.

What does she mean, the wrong foods

Ok, I’m done here. I’ve had enough. I’ll just leave you with boozed up Toni Tramel 31 who was locked up on a drunken charge in Owensboro, Kentucky. The facilities had to be decontaminated according to a ‘bio-hazard’ after she squirted her breast milk into a warder’s eye. – Brilliant.