Productions presents

The scene: On the outskirts of Judea; at a bus stop; 73 AD. The ґ Team's (ґ is a Hebrew ‘A' - I think!) - The ґ Team's van has broken down. B.A. Barrachenstein is waiting for the No.33 to Nailhimupsville. fool approaches the bus stop where the kiss-curled, black clad giant is, with somewhat trepidation. Five minutes pass in an awkward silence; cautiously fool attempts to break the ice:

fool: What time's the bus due?

B.A. Barrachenstein: Don't know fool!

Only fit for the fool-hardy, that one.

Dont be shy

I simply have no time for a mere hint, let alone list of nonsensical explanations into this week's theme, so will skip the light-fandango and go straight into this week's quiz - lights:

1. Time and what wait for no man?

2. Which two Cluedo weapons begin with the same letter?

3. Who was the first president of Zimbabwe?

4. In which game do you score ‘one for his knob'?

5. Where is the newspaper ABC from?

6. What was Tonto's horse called?

7. In English what is the only anagram of the word ENGLISH?

8. What are the national dishes of the following countries? A) Greece B) Spain C) Hungary.

See *Comps & results for all your answers and more.

And...oh buggery by skull of the dug...that's time up for olde cfn this week!

What?

Yep. I'm out of time; have been whisked away on a tedium delight of scorched over excessiveness in the whims of bile and fortitude.

Oh what the heck - I'll not make your problem my problem...no, hang on, - you'll not make my problem their...no. no...

What-the-err-ever - there is no time left for Friday morning's (Nam time) deadline and so I leave you in the capable and trustee hands of cfn's weekly maestro's in the guise of *Digger (goodun this week - reader gets angry!) & *Trigger - always out to double your pennies.

p.s. - If you'd like to drop cfn a line - anytime - feel free. On or about anything - do you like the rag - is there too much rugby? Not enough? - Like the boobs? - Like the *tit-bits page? - What about dem dere *Bongo Massif Bro's - Too PC - not PC enough. Love or loathe the world news? Do you like the *Grub-Up, *Fishman and all the usual regulars? What ever your jip or gibber drop cf a line on the contacts page - it'll go straight into my mailbox - try it, I'll even publish it - by request of course. Let's hear you have your say...

It's the photo's, isn't it!

Failing that - have you logged onto the gibber-gibber channel yet - at the moment it's an out of date forum mostly responded by porn freaks - but I'll soon clear that up - didn't really need a mention this paragraph eh...

A-ha me hearties...I'm back - that was last week's news - but to hell with the freshness of clean white sheets - let's just hang out the old stuff!

But now, here IS the new stuff - confused yet?

WHO AM I? Clue No.6; "I'm not the Ace of Hearts, Ace of Clubs or Ace of Diamonds."

Is it me?

And so with no connection to any of the above here's a goosey at this week's sponsors:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega - bodega - oh baby when you dance like that. Just go there and see how much wine is stashed in this place - it makes you want to crush a grape.

GTM: for all your best, quality garden and leisure furniture. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace Holidays: it's here on a shoestring! - Clickey-de-link on the right why don't you!

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? *Digger's got all the scores on the doors. *Trigger's making sure you've got a staple stable. And *Fishman's got the low down on S.E Asia's fastest growing island.

*TiV2 should be out this week - plus there's all the usual jaunts through *tit-bits to where da hell dem dere dose *Bongo Massif Bro's?

But now let's see what happing in the world of rungleby:

News of the week is that the Saigon Gecko's won the 9^th Indochine Cup - see *Rugby in Vietnam for all the news.

Saigon Geckos

Meanwhile in the land of mere recreational rugby; Gloucester thumped Saracens in the play-offs to come up against Leicester in this Saturday's English Guinness Premiership final. Gloucester topped the table on points, but then four years ago they also topped the table on points and came un-stuck in the final 39-3 to Wasps - it's a funny old game eh!

BTW; Leicester's Martin Castrogiovanni - a prop from Italy has won the Prem's player of the season - not since Jake Boer on ‘03' has a Johnny Foreigner done that - let alone a prop!

Similar going's on are...err, going on in the S14's. It's been a topsy-turvey season in the Southern hemisphere to say the least - a real Roald Dhal Tales of the Unexpected.

The Aussie's have been just one paper-fold short of the shite, The Kiwi's thought they only had to turn up with a bank of superstars. And at last, at last in the training camps, the consistency of management implications (selections) and most importantly the ability to win away from home - the beefy Boks have, eventually, just about got it right.

Last week there were results all over the place - fourth place was up for grabs by all and Monday. The Force, to be honest, weren't really in it and ultimately went down to the Blues 33-6. Whereas the Brumbies had, ‘a too much - too late flurry', in the season and although they notched their first ever win in Dunedin, 29-10, it wasn't enough. The same goes for an almost French style hot and cold side, the Chiefs who beat Crusaders 30-24. - Always good comparing the French and Kiwi's eh!!! - There, that should fill up the post box. - ‘Eh, fool, your's a c&^t.'   -   ‘Wee wee, sacred bleu.'

Nathan

But all is now in vein, as keef would say, as topping the charts for their semi-finals whacking are: The Sharks, who host the Blues in Durban - eh, lecker as a cracker eh bru!

All in vein

And the Bulls, who incidently mauled the Reds 92-3 at the weekend, in what was an almost perfect display of rugby - the Bulls host Crusaders at Loftus, Versfeld, Pretoria - home of the Roman guard!

If you hadn't thought of it - think about it now, because anything can happen in these two games. But remember both games are in South Africa, so there'll probably be lots of poisoning going on - back the murderers!

Ok, let's move along the bus - and along with the max exodus of All Blacks to England and France after the World Cup are an equal emigration of stars from S.A. Here's some you might know: John Smit - Clermont. Schalk Berger - Harlequins. Victor Matfield - Leicester. B.J. Botha. Jean de Villiers. Fourie de Preez and hundreds more of the now Nazi free republic are upping roots for the smell of pounds and Euros.

Moving on, let's have a look at some Internationals coming up; England are off to S.A. for their first Test on 26^th May without any Leicester, Wasps or Bath players. But as Ashton said, "They will not have time to prepare or acclimatize for the first Test. Also it gives this group of players the opportunity to recharge their batteries before the World Cup warm-up camp." - Any takers yet?

Ireland are off to the land of the Argie for their first Test on the same date, and both teams are without their first teams. The Puma's still have a lot of players finishing off games in Europe; Augustin Pichot and Contepomi to name but two. And Ireland's boss, Eddie O'Sullivan said, "This tour was always about looking at options with the World Cup in mind." - ‘Well, shall we go, what do you reckon, I mean the racing is on and I've still got a full pint.' - Options, it's all about options.

Argie

Wales on the other hand - guess what? - They play their first Test on the 26^th May (Must be a Saturday), against Australia. Gavin ‘orange' Hensen is in, so is teenage prop Jamie Corsi and jazz centre Sonny Parker.

Japan has two warm-up games against the Classic All Blacks, who are basically the vets. Japan recently beat Korea 82-0, but I'm not so sure they'll fare so well against the likes of; Merhtens, Brown. Spencer, Lomu, Marshall, Rush, Wilson, Joseph and Reihana. - let them play the Gecko's.

Paddy O'Brien chief IRB ref has brought in some changes, most notably the Crouch, Touch, Pause, Engage four word rant has been customised to three words by joining Touchpause together - beautiful.

Tana Umaga has been let off the hook by SANZAR for calling the southern hemisphere refs shite. What he did say was; "I think the referees in this part of the world are lacking. Unfortunately the ref's in the northern hemisphere are better." "Apart from Jonothan Kaplan everyone is struggling and N.Z. and Australian ref's are struggling." - he can say what he likes now - he's rich and retired.

Some facts and figures:

In Aus in the (Argh) Shute Shield; Gordon (He's at it again) bt Parra ‘doesn't' matta 33-29.

French Top 14 Brive (mmm) 28 Clermont 22.

In Ireland; Garry ‘on his' Owen 16 Cork Institution 15.

And from the US; Old Blue of New York 13 Potomac Athletic Club 12

And I love this name and address of Yank club: Old Mission Bench Athletic Club, Dicks Sporting Goods park, Victory Lane, Commerce City - Jeez eh, if you don't give it to them they haven't got a clue eh!

Jonny Wilkinson only gives himself 6 out of 10. He says, "I believe there is a lot of me to come, but being me if I'm asked the same question in five years time I'll still say 6 out of 10." - I didn't ask you. He says he's not obsessive, just enormously committed. And get this; he's never watched the 2003 final, saying he'd only find things wrong with his performance. - I'm sure a few Aussies would find a lot of things wrong.

sh refs

And naw me olde China's it's cricket in it:

Ok, World Cup's over - isn't it - I mean, you can't be sure these days, perhaps the umps will call them back. After all it was only 47 days of shite!

Ugh

But we won't take that away from the Aussies, who are, in no other words, just superb. Ponts summed up Gilly's innings and pretty much the team when he said, "There was one difference between the two sides and the outcome of the game, that was his innings and that's as simple and as much praise as I can give someone after a game." - Sounds a bit gay to me - perhaps he knows Stresco's on his way back for England!

Ta

Excellent news to hear that the Aussies are pretty certain of pulling out of their 3 match ODI tour to Robert ‘Murderer' Mugabe's Zim. They might have to end up paying $1.6m to Cricket Australia, but is that a bad thing?

In-roads in the Bob slaying (You've heard the joke too many times) - was that it was the imported weed-killer by all accounts. Slipped into, either the bottle or glass, of his bubbly. As a spokesman for the police said, "Everything was contaminated, the stomach content, the glass, everything. There was enough to kill him. We think it's something very unusual, that you can't even buy in Jamaica." - You can't even bring an un-registered bugle into Jamaican cricket grounds these days! - What's happened to that country?

Got any weed

Ok, the Windies play England at Lords next week and Vaughan is out with a broken finger - all the luck for that lad!

Ian Bell won't get it, but can you believe it, he's still harping on about the Ashes and Warney, he said, "To get sledged is a compliment. He (Warne) had to work hard this time. He didn't just go through his bowling - he had to go through verbals as well." - Yeah well mate, you're giving me the verbals too - now get off my page.

Colly was up for a surprise grab at skippering, as he said, "It's nice to have your name bandied about for the captaincy, but all of us want Vaughan there." - Well you can't have him, he's got a busted finger - don't you read crazy fool's! - By the way, I like that word, ‘bandied.' - don't you?

We all know the captaincy is going to ex public school boy Strauss - ex Nazi too. But ex England player Dominic Cork wants pissed up Freddie back in the fold. fool sat behind Cork in the cinema in Durban once - very tall, couldn't see a darn thing!

Cork says, "As an ex England cricketer, I would like Fred captain, I would say, ‘Here's your responsibility. You've made a mistake, let's make you captain again." He's not totally gunning for him and no-one else. He says he'll be more than happy with the ex Nazi or the fella who comes from where the Pink Panther lives - Durham, Durham, Durham Durham Durham Durham Durham, Duuuurham...Colly. But he has got a point when he says, "Freddie and Beckham (Yes, that football tart) are the same - passionate and patriotic. Don't hold it back. The guy inspires people." - So does James Bond, give it to him.

England will romp that series, with or without Chris Read - although it definitely will be without. Old man Nixon's got the nod.

Ok, my wee beauties, let's have a gander at some other sports eh:

Did you see it? Floyd ‘pretty boy' Mayweather Jr and Oscar De La Hoya go toe to toe. Pretty boy, because he never gets hit, except for on Saturdays was 37 bouts unbeaten - he's now 38. He stole it on a split when Oscar simply ran out of puff in the last four rounds. That's where Floyd notched most of his 207 hits to 122. As Oscar said, "He's the champion and you have to respect that." - Nuff respect bro!

In baseball retired pitcher Roger Clams has come out of retirement for the N.Y Yankees at $1m a game. The ‘Rocket' gets £526,000 per game for the remaining four months of the season. He'd better be good.

James Pratt from Beaver (No way!), Oklahoma is the cowpat hurling champ with a throw of 140ft.

And John McEnroe wants to see topless tennis - who doesn't? He said, "I'm not keen on some of the sleeveless vests worn by some players. I'd like to see tennis players with no shirts whatsoever." - Could you imagine Venus jubbling about all over the court!

New balls please

And now its time for the news:

A handful of nuts a day will reduce levels of cholesterol and unhealthy fats in the bloodstream called triglycerides, by 10% - sometimes 30%. Pistachio and Macadamia are gooduns. Have you had a handful of nuts today!

There's a new machine that sits snugly over the head that when you're sleeping it can make 3 hours seem like 8. The trancranial magnetic stimulator slows brain waves to their lowest level. Personally I just watch CNN

Adolf Hitler used to have a thick bushy tache until he was told to trim it so he could fit into his gas mask. Fellow soldier Alexander Frey said, "It covered the ugly slit of his mouth." - He's always been popular, has our Adolf.

Adolf at Christmas

Teachers are the biggest gossips and bitches - it's official. 4 out of 5 admit bitching about fellow staff, a quarter gossips about each other at least once a week. More than half with hold info to get ahead. 2000 business leaders and professionals were quizzed in the 2007 Leaders in London careers Forum, where bankers & stockbrokers came second and chefs third. - That's it, I'm telling.

Mick Jagger has become a Sir. He said, "It's very nice to have honours given to you as long as you don't take it all too seriously. You should wear them lightly and not get carried away with your own self importance." - He then went on to talk about himself for the next two hours and held a lavish get together to celebrate in a top London club.

43% of women office workers have slept with a colleague! More than 1 in 4 has cheated on a regular partner. Only 7% think their men have done the same. 82% have lustful thoughts of a colleague, with 4% on the lesbo fantasies. 22% would sleep to the top - 17% have already. A third go to work with no underwear. 16% visit the toilets to relieve themselves. 94% flirt at work. New Women rag questioned thousands for the ‘sex at work' survey and a spokeswoman said, "We're just a bunch of sex obsessed flirtaholics who would rather trade innuendos - and much more - than do an honest day's toil." - A third go to work with no underwear...phoarr.

A singer in The Sound of Music, Margaret Preece, 46, wears no knickers under her habit - just what is going on? She said, "The nun's habits are thick, black serge. It can be pretty hot. I strip off. It's fun to know something the audience doesn't." - It's hot in Nam too.

Out of the habit

School girl Gabrielle Fedell has just got in the Guinness book of Records for speaking backwards. Her mum said, "She can do 102 words in 60 seconds." Gabrielle said, "Its fun and it makes my friends laugh." - Beautiful.

74 year old Robert Newman was back inside only 18 days after getting released from prison, because he preferred life behind bars - who doesn't! He held up a Building Society for £940 in Dorchester. His defence geezer said, "He's a fully institutionalised 74 year old gentleman. It's a sad state of affairs for a man." - Yeah, when Norman Stanley Fletcher did ‘Going Straight' it was never the same.

Guernsey

Airline captain Roy Bonner said he saw a UFO off the Channel Islands. He said, "It was about 40 miles from us. A very sharp, thin yellow object with a green area. It was 2000ft up and stationary. It could have been as much as a mile wide." He later spotted the object again as he got closer to Guernsey - Roy, it was Guernsey.

An author from Wandsworth, S.E. London, changed his name to God so he could sell his book, but the HSBC bank weren't having any of it, and told Sheridan Simov he couldn't if he wanted an account with them. He said, "At first they told me I needed two names to have an account, so I replied that I'd become Almighty God." - Gotta love that. They pooh-poohed him and said he needed his original name - gits.

Ok, lastly, those who sleep together on their first date have a better chance of a long term relationship. Sleep together, why do we call it that? Dr. Barry Gibb, wasn't he a Bee Gee? - Said in his new book, The Rough Guide to the Brain, "Behind all these romantic coy looks is a brain on chemical rampage." - More tea Vicar?

When you catch up with life - do let me know - why not drop me a line?

Just cf it.

cf