Crazy Fool's Newsround - 4th - 10th June 2010 volume 383

4th - 10th June 2010 volume 383
June, 09th 2010 14:35 PM

“So come alive, come alive,

down in Devil Gate Drive”

(Suzi Quatro)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 10.6.10

For the 2^nd Battalion the Yorkshire Regiment

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Police get to the bottom of it

Police this week have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest haul of contraband hidden up an in-mates bottom.

Alarm bells rang at Chelan County Regional Centre in Wanatchee, Washington USA when the administrator Phil Stanely found duct tape and a plastic bag in the toilets.

On closer inspection of the un-named detainee police found a cigarette lighter, cigarette papers, a bag of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a bottle of tattoo ink, eight tattoo needles, a bag of marijuana and an inch long smoking pipe.

Police sergeant John Kruse said, “We are all wondering, ‘How do you put all that up there?’ The tobacco was pretty significant, it was a good ounce.”

The previous record was held by the Bird Man of Alcatraz

Moon walking

A missing piece of Moon rock worth $5m has turned up at the home of the ex governor of Colorado.

The state was awarded the ‘the size of a fingernail’ chunk, along with 130 different countries, by Richard Nixon in 1974. Students went looking for the unaccounted for bits of Moon, which were set in a decorative spherical piece of glass whereupon and the trail led them to John Vanderhoof’s house.

When asked why it wasn’t on display in the County Hall, the former governor said, “Oh that. I took it home and used it as a paperweight.”

How did he smuggle it out?

It’s out there

Alien life is suspected to be living on Saturn’s moon Titan in the guise of organic chemicals.

Methane has been found in the atmosphere which then disappears once it hits the surface suggesting it could be breathed in by Alien bugs. Police sergeant John Kruse has been deployed to investigate.

To assist him in the case Europe is to install the world’s biggest telescope. 5000 antennas across the UK, Holland, Germany, France, Sweden and Poland will link together to collectively transmit radio waves far out in space, then store their data on a giant computer in the Netherlands using the internet.

Bob Nichol from the University of Portsmouth Institute of Cosmology and Gravitation Said, “We know a lot about the first 500million years, but not the next one billion years, which is completely unknown to us – the dark ages.” – Which for me is around the ages 20-23

Sex in the City

Debrahlee Lorenzana is suing Citibank in the US for unfair dismissal on account of being too sexy.

The Puerto Rican beauty claims staff at her JP Morgan branch couldn’t cope with her stunning looks and figure and found her to be a distraction. One of her lawyers Jack Tuckner described her as ‘looking good in a burkha’ then went on to say, “All it came down to was, ‘We don’t want to deal with you because you’re just too good looking.’”

Debrahlee it turns out is not all herself as she’s had four boob jobs, a tummy tuck and liposuction. And was recorded on a 2003 TV show called ‘Plastic Surgery New York Style’ saying in the doctor’s waiting room, “I want to be tits on a stick” as she asked for a double DD.

Whilst Jack was in the toilet, her other lawyer stated, “Does that mean its open season for women because they get their hair done of have a nose job?”

The defence lawyer said she was dismissed because of her poor performance.

Meanwhile across the pond; Essex County is the biggest purchaser of sex toys and games according to a poll by Chemistdirect.co.uk.

Chelmsford pipped London, Edinburgh, Guildford and Birmingham with an average spending of £24 per order. The most common items were the Bunny Hopper Vibrator, glass pleasure balls, a naughty weekender kit and rose scented petals.

Cameron Diaz 37 says she puts her youthful looks down to sex – fact.

The Spankme building!

All at sea

Roz Savage 42 has become the first woman to row the Pacific. The 8000m journey from San Francisco, in a 23ft Brocade, landed her in Papa New Guinea where she was greeted by thousands of onlookers.

Managing 2.5m strokes in 250 days she lost 22lb and lived mostly on dried fruits, nuts and freeze dried meals, but the lady from Cheshire admitted the hardest thing was approaching Papa New Guinea where she said, “I wish I could row and wave at the same time.” – You can’t, it’s impossible, try it.

Not there to greet her were a record breaking attempt of nude snorkellers at Nelly Bay on Magnetic Island off Australia’s coast near the Great Barrier Reef. Hundreds were expected to turn out according to organiser Ben Schultz from the local backpackers but only 23 did.

So they wallowed in the big blue wobbly thing then went for an ice cream, which these days flavours are becoming more and more exotic, for example in Lancashire England you can get fish and chips flavour; comprising of creamed cod with ice cream coated vanilla and pepper batter with potato ice cream chips.

Other zany flavours are sausage mash and peas, Brussel sprouts, the ‘Viagra’ dish which possess natural stimulants such as gingko biloba, arginine and guarana with a shot of La Fee Absinthe on top.

Then there’s bacon and eggs and the best one from Japan is Bashashi ice cream, nestled with chunks of raw horse meat.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside was written and composed by John A Glover-kind in 1907’

Here it is: (only available on website!)

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: BOBFOC – Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder)

Animal world

A fat kookaburra found waddling through a Sydney park being chased by dogs has been taken to a boot camp where it will undergo a strict diet.

The bird ballooned to 565grams (1.2pounds), which is 40% heavier than it should be, after residents fed it sausages as opposed to its leaner diet of mouse or skunk.

An elephant donated by India to Yugoslavia in 1970 has been minced up and used as bio diesel and its tusks worth £200k hung in Brijiana National Park in Croatia. It was dead.

Snakes are on the decline. A 12 year study in the UK, France, Italy, Nigeria and Australia have found amongst 19 species, 11 have declined, 5 are stable and one has increased.

Why they are dying is a mystery, but then I saw a frog the other hopping in circles because a man had cut its legs off with a strimmer. He went back to put it out with a breeze block, but I shook my head as if to say, no, he’ll be alright, just a flesh wound. He obviously thought I meant not to use the brick and trod on it. And that my friend’s is why the snakes are dying out.

There are competitions in China where you can paint your dogs to look like other animals. There are tigers, pandas and zebras but no snakes.

In the burger world

Britain’s oldest worker is 85, he’s Bill Dudley and he works in Mold, that’s not a dirty job, but a place in West Wales. He works in McDonald’s, and that’s a dirty job.

The ex sailor and cabbie, says, “Sitting at home can get boring. I’m not a drinker and my wife won’t let me touch the garden because she does all that.’

Instead he goes in on Wednesday’s and Thursday’s for a six hour shift where the manager Terry Jensen said, He is an excellent worker because he just comes in a gets on with it.”

‘Yes, it’s the toilets again Bill I’m afraid…’ ‘No, for health and safety reasons we can’t use the plunger or your hands this week, so I’m afraid…’ ‘Yes, it’s going to have to be your head…so just down you pop, there’s a good fella.’

Terry, ‘Everyone loves Bill here; they look forward to seeing him. He is the face of the business.”

A 12 year old joy rider who stole his Gran’s car in France was on the loose for three hours whilst police searched for him in patrol cars and a helicopter. He was caught when he stopped at a drive in burger joint in the northern town of Bapuame where they had a half price special on kids burgers, and staff thought him a tad small.

Meanwhile the man burger weighs in at 90kg’s and is aided by 120 eggs, 1.5kg of beetroot, 2.5kg tomatoes and around 2kg of lettuce.

Brothers Joe and Imam El-Ajouez from the Ambrosia on the Spot café in Sydney smashed the previous record of 84kg’s saying the hardest thing was trying to flip it. – To you, to me, to you…

Trying to stab an 848lb bull isn’t easy either as 12 year-old Matador Miguel Lagrierue found out as it tossed him in the air on his first day. He’d already slaughtered an 893lb, bull but the smaller of the two got the better of him. As he was stretchered off with minor wounds he said it was, “With a good taste in my mouth.”

If you want some bread to go with that, why not try Tom Herbert’s pretentious loaf, which comes in at a measly £21.

It takes two days to hand make and contains the best Somerset spelt flour, Cotswold spring water, Cornish sea salt and a secret sourdough his dad told him about.

Taking time from shooting peasants on his land Tom said, “It’s a work of art. It may seem horrifically over priced, but you taste the difference. It’s meant to be the ultimate bread… ‘Pull’”

In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. – Her address is:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn

, ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.

New Christians please

The graves of 80 Roman gladiators have been dug up in York, northern England. It is considered one of the better preserved finds to date, showing clear bite marks from either a tiger, lion or bear, oh my, on several skeletons.

Indications to them being gladiators were the tell tale signs of swordsmanship depicted by one arm being much heavier set than the other – could have been tennis players, like Vitas Geralitus.

Lest we forget

The last of the tunnellers due to escape from Stalag Luft III in 1944 has died. Jack Harrison was in the RAF and was number 98 of the 200 hundred due to go, but just after Donald Pleasance and Jim Rockford got out, shots rang through the camp and Jack had to quickly change back into his prison uniform.

Meanwhile the Society for the Preservation of the English Language and Literature (SPELL) continue to show allegiance to the world’s most explicit language and bow to Lieutenant Henry Bowers diary from his 1912 trip to the Antarctic with Scott, which went on display this week.

That is of course, opposed to Martin Baum’s book of the writings of Dickens for the modern street culture called, ‘Oi Mate, Gimme Some More – A Yoof- Speak Guide to the complete works of Charles Dickens, innit’

For example; The Tale of Two Cities reads, ‘Da Tale of the Turfs’ – ‘It was the best of times, and not being funny or nuffing, but it was the worst of times, to be honest.’

Meanwhile Henry talks about the leg pulling and jolly capes they had, especially when relaxing and affording themselves a slap of sledging, “We had the greatest fun in our lives. You poised the sledge on a giddy height and down you would fly.” He remarked in one passage.

Nowadays you can stick an array of utensils up your own passage and providing you steer clear of Sergeant Kruse come up with the same results.

Hold on…no, him

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz
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