4th - 10th Feb 2011 volume 418
February, 09th 2011 20:06 PM

“Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot,

Lady of the house wonderin’ where it’s gonna stop”

(Rolling Stones)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

 

Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 10.2.11                                           

For 2nd Battalion The Royal Welsh

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

 

 

Is it time to pull the plug?

An Indian website is plugging a virtual wife into your home as means of a trial before marrying.

 

On Biwihotohaisi.com (an ideal wife) you can choose to suit any personality, such as a devoted housekeeper, control freak, shopping and soap opera obsessive and ambitious banker, who will then send automated phone calls to keep you on track.

 

Rita the house-freak asks, ‘please eat your lunch; I have made your favourite dish.’ Whilst dominating 25 year-old Electricity Thakur spouts, “I’ll send your bed to the office if you don’t leave soon.’

 

 

However, all is not lost in the echoing reality of virtues as Milli Naughty the 21 year-old secretary, hell bent on shopping and gossip purrs an illicit imagery of tittle-tattle on TV’s operatic society, whilst 26 year-old Shalini (press 4) kindles the aura of city-suited success lamely suggests, ‘we’ll totally connect honey.’

 

For euthanasia… press 5!

 

I’ve got the spoon thanks

Fortunately in the real world, labialisation of character is up and running healthily on cultural prejudice, as Sally Bercow, 41, the UK’s House of Commons Speaker’s wife assured us all.

 

Sally, draped only in a bed sheet, thought it would be a good idea to have a photo shoot and talk to the press about how sexy it was to live in a tax payer’s house.

 

“The view from Speakers House is incredibly sexy particularly at night with the moon and the glow from the old gas lamps.”

 

Realising her public flout of position by embracing a whim of fancy had caused resentment among the commoners she hastily sent out a message on Twitter,

 

“Oh bugger, I’ve been done up like a kipper. Mr B is going to go potty.”

 

In a vain connection to reality during a Radio 5 Live interview Sally coined the incident a ‘storm in a bed sheet’ then reflected on her binge drinking days and sex with strangers, and was quick to recommend credence to any self-valuating member of parliament who fancied a quick shag under the wane of a pale moonlight

 

“I feel sexier now I’m older and I’ve stopped drinking.” – Snort snort, my daddy’s got a Porsche!

 

I don’t know what it means either

 

 

 

 

I love the sound of breaking class

Russian police have been captured on video by themselves; drunk, half naked and dancing on their patrol cars.

 

The traffic cops from Krasnoturinsk in Sverdlovsk central Russia were celebrating a colleague’s promotion and filmed themselves guzzling vodka, smoking and dancing on the roof’s of their cars with the lights flashing as a number of civilian cars were trying to enjoy the tranquillity of a popular lake.

 

Traffic chief Yury Dyomin said, “You have to be disgusting people who hold nothing sacred to allow such a shameful thing to happen.”

 

Storm brewing

Ghosts have stopped work on a water ride in a theme park in Britain, as Storm Surge employees have been freaked out by objects moving and cold conditions.

 

The water ride aimed to be built on an ancient monks path dating back to AD666 was surveyed by Jim Arnould of a London Paranormal team who came up with some promising results to get publicity;

 

“Orbs, ghostly images in photography and Ouija reaction results were the strongest around the site where they were proposing to build Storm Surge.’

 

Two lumps please

 

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Heaven 17 came from Sheffield and so did Joe Cocker but let’s not start all that show biz origins again’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘I bought this recently in Singapore. Does anyone out there have the remotest idea what it can be used for? H’

 

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits, they say said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, “I can’t make Tuesday’s or Thursday’s.’

 

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

 Next instalment on Saturday 5th March – yes, I know, it’s moved again!

Starring

Screaming Hypocrites

 

 

Chris & Louise

 

Tap Egavas

 

 

Great raffle prizes - All proceeds to…

 

www.100friends.org

 

Plus Sa’s infamous massaman

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

 

*A pack of wolves in the remote district of Verkhoyansk, Siberia, Russia, amounting to no less than 400 has been eating the regional deer and horses and scaring the shit out of the locals. 24 teams of hunters have been deployed to cull the killers from helicopter at £210 a skin.

Alas it was too late for Tatyana Konstantunovina who was eaten to the bone by a pack of stray dogs before starving to death themselves in a remote region of Russia. Neighbours thought it strange when her property went silent.

 

*14 swans that were cooked and eaten by campfires on the shores of the Black Fen Lakes in Cambs are thought to have been the work of hungry Eastern Europeans. However, regional RSPB head Ivan Polanksi said the notorious stunt swans hit an electricity pylon and were gnawed to the bone by .local wildlife. Damn those carnivorous rabbits.

 

 

Number crunching

 

 

*A Japanese built space net made of metal fibres and measuring a mile wide is to steer debris, such as old rockets and satellites, to earth in order to burn them up. Meanwhile New York authorities are to ban smoking in public places, namely their 1,400 parks, 23 miles of beach and Time Square, which hasn’t got a number!

 

*Epic Meal Time have created a 140k calorie busting burger worth 50lb (20kg); with 20lb of bacon, 13lb of beef, 11lb of sausage all in a 10lb bun. This comes as scientific evidence has proved that fatty food eaten by kids reduces the IQ by up 1.67. ‘What’s for tea mum?’, ‘rabbit. Swan’s off!’

 

I’m off – come on Pig

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out!

 

p.p.s. sport is back – and the mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 

 
 
 

 

Other news